Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion. All characters and related material is the property of Gainax.
**Note: Unspoken thoughts will be displayed with [ and ] for clarification. Also the story flows from Shinji's perspective to Asuka's perspective, so often the same scene will be shown from two different viewpoints.
Shin / Wahrheit Truth
Shinji Ikari opened his eyes, issuing a sigh as he did so. He found it almost depressing to come to the daily realization that he was in fact still alive. Shinji lifted the covers off of his body, and slowly stood from his bed. Despite being a morning person Shinji had found lately that he was groggy; stuck in a haze as it were. He walked to his door and continued into the hallway. She emerged from her room at the same time. Her; she; Asuka; hope.
"Good morning," Shinji said.
These were the first words he had spoken to her since she had returned the day before. The third child was unsure of why he had said this. It was a pointless gesture to be sure; he knew that nothing of her outlook on the morning would change due to him having said something. Yet he had said it anyway. ["Please don't hate me."]
She turned to face him. She held an expression of disgust upon her face. Shinji could almost feel his spirits plummet, yet at the same time he found it strangely comforting; it was as if things were perhaps returning to the way they had been before.
"It was," she said.
Asuka Langley Soryu awoke suddenly from her slumber. She sat bolt upright in bed, breathing heavily. She found that she had been, was, sweating. ["Why? A dream?"] She remembered now. The dream. She had viewed the kiss…and then things had gone farther. She had slept with Shinji.
"Ughh. What is wrong with me?" she said to the soft light filtering through her window. Asuka rubbed her eyes with her hands, took a deep breath, and then stood from her bed. The second child knew that it was highly important to take a shower, she couldn't stand the smell of her sweat, or the memory it was bringing her. She walked to her door and continued out into the hallway. He emerged from his room at the same time. He; him; Shinji; guilty pleasure.
"Good morning," he said.
These were the first words he had spoken to her since she had come home the day before. The second child found her expression brightening for a brief moment. She quickly put on a scowl. ["Baka, like I need your sympathy….please don't ignore me again; please don't hate me."]
"It was," She said.
Shinji Ikari watched as Asuka Langley Soryu quickly entered the bathroom and closed the door. Perhaps he watched the door for a time; he was unsure by the time he was moved from his glance.
"You really like her a lot, don't you?"
Shinji turned suddenly. Misato Katsuragi was regarding him thoughtfully from a few feet away. ["How do I respond? This feeling is personal, it shows that I have an affinity for her; I do have an affinity for her. Then why am I afraid? This isn't Misato's business. Does showing affinity show weakness? Am I weak? Yes, I am. I need her. This makes me weak. Misato asked me a question. I don't have a response, or, I do; I don't wish to express my feelings to her. But she asked me, I am inclined to give a response;"] Embarrassment.
"Well I uh…Like her? Who? Me? HA Ha ha…" Shinji could feel his face go red as he gave his guardian an idiotic smile. Shinji watched Misato laugh, turn, and then walk towards the kitchen.
Asuka Langley Soryu turned quickly and entered the bathroom, closing the door behind her. She took a deep breath, and shook her head from side to side, trying to get the images of the dream out of her mind. She quickly undressed, and turned the shower on, testing the water temperature as she did so. Asuka noticed that there were no towels out, and walked to the small cabinet to grab one. On her way back to the tub she caught her image in the mirror.
Asuka knew that she was attractive; she knew that she was beautiful. Yesterday a beautiful woman had kissed a man. That man had felt nothing despite the beauty of his attacker; that's what she had done, she had attacked him. He had known, Asuka was sure, how hollow the kiss had been. She knew that Shinji must have realized what had taken place; he must have known that it had not been a kiss of love. The kiss had been one of temptation; one of deception. Shinji must have felt that she had merely tried to take his life; his emotion, his feeling, to feed her own. Asuka found Shinji's rejection infuriating. ["The dream."] Asuka knew that the dream must have come for this anger. She had taken her lust, her search, farther and farther still. And still she had found nothing, except perhaps his hope. And hope she knew, could never truly be taken away.
"Shinji?"
"Yes?"
"I forgot to tell you, Kensuke called."
"Kensuke? Is he back?"
"It sounded like he was. Your father officially announced that there are no more angels expected to arrive. So I imagine a lot of people will be returning."
"I see."
Shinji stood and retreated back to his room. He looked around for his SDAT, but couldn't find it. ["Kensuke…"] Shinji was unsure of how to take this news. Ever since he had killed Kaworu he had sunken into a deep state of depression. He had been taken by loneliness and fear. He had been unable to face Ayanami after learning of the secrets behind her creation, and he had been unable to face Toji since the incident with Unit-03. That had left only Asuka. He had hoped that she could save him from whatever this thing, this "life" was. He had wished for this even though she was in a coma, and couldn't possibly help him. Shinji Ikari did not understand himself; he didn't understand himself in the least. The mind of the third child suddenly became aware that Asuka had kissed him again. It was like he had not even realized it had happened. ["I don't understand you Asuka."] The kiss had been forceful. ["Is that just how it is?"] No. Shinji didn't think so. A kiss was supposed to be soft. A kiss was supposed to lack purpose; it was just supposed to be in and of itself. What Asuka had done had purpose. She had done it for a reason. ["Was that why you shoved me? Did I do something wrong? Were you trying to save me? Did I miss my chance? Am I too far gone for salvation?"]
"No. I'm sorry, Asuka. I didn't understand. I'm so sorry, I understand now."
Asuka Langley Soryu sat quietly at the dinner table. She was lost in her own thoughts. Unsure of what she was doing, or why. He entered. He; him; Shinji.
"I want to help you, and I want to be with you forever," he said.
Asuka made no movement to face him. ["What? I hate you. No I don't. It just…it hurts,"] she thought.
"Then don't do anything. Don't come near me. You will only hurt me," she responded.
"Asuka! Help me, only you can do it."
Again she heard him ask. ["Leave me alone. You have nothing to offer me; go find what you are looking for somewhere else. Why can't I stop thinking about you?"]
"That's a lie," Asuka said, standing from her chair as she did so, "For you anybody will do. You are afraid of Misato and Rei. You are afraid of your father and mother, too."
Asuka began to follow Shinji around the small kitchen, her words becoming more intense.
"Your just escaping to me, aren't you Shinji? You think I'm going to let you hurt me as you want?"
"Asuka! Please help me!"
"You never think of anyone but yourself!"
Asuka again reached out for Shinji's chest; again shoving the boy away. This time he stumbled. She watched as Shinji collided with the coffee pot on his way to the floor. And on this floor he lay, wet and pitiful.
"You look really pathetic," she said.
Asuka realized that she had made him this way. This was the result of her actions. She had control; she had done this.
Asuka watched as Shinji slowly began to stand again.
"Help me. Please save me. Please! Please!"
Shinji was on his feet now, and without looking up reached for the table. He flipped it over violently in a quick upward swing. The chairs came next. He swung them crazily about himself, smashing all that was inside of his radius. After several moments of flailing about he finally gave up and dropped the chair. Shinji stood before Asuka, panting.
"Please save me."
Again Asuka found the question posed to her. This was too much to give away so simply. This control. No she would not throw it away so idly. Yet at the same time she only wanted it because she knew she could have it.
"No."
Asuka watched through calm eyes as Shinji Ikari placed his hands around her throat and began to squeeze. Suddenly Asuka realized that all of her control was gone. Her life was now in his hands. All she could do now was hope.
Shinji Ikari could feel his wrists burning; bleeding upon the cross. His screams echoed to infinity; to no one. All the pain in the world was his, such so that all the pain in the world could be taken away. It was far too much. Shinji Ikari issued a scream such that the world had never heard before, and that it would never hear again. The very souls of the world trembled before him; broke before him. His sanity was taken; this was his last stand, alone for none to see, and all. For God to Judge? No Shinji was the master of this world; this man made heaven born of nothingness; this heaven; this paradise of escape. Impossible. It wasn't real. Shinji could feel everything caving in upon him. Loneliness; yet all were here. ["No this isn't right."] Visions. ["My life. I need this pain."] Silence.
Shinji Ikari found himself on a beach. She was there. ["What do I do? Life or death. It's one or the other. She rejected me, therefore, there is no longer a point for her to live."]
Shinji Ikari gripped the German girl's throat.
Asuka could feel her toes lift slightly from the ground.[ "Death. This is how mother would have wanted it. Yes.] Silence. [No, this isn't how I want it."]
Asuka used the last of her strength to lift her hand to the side of his face.
Shinji Ikari could feel the touch come. ["How? Why? Will you save me after all? Is this how it will come to an end? Mother! Is this what you meant?"]
The second child felt release, and soon she was upon the floor. He had let go. She looked at him. He was on the ground as well. Shinji was breathing heavily, and seemed to be staring at something that neither could truly see.
"Shinji!" Asuka could feel tears in her eyes. He had had her life in his hands and had chosen not to take it. ["Was this your hope? Do you wish to be here in this place with me?"]
Asuka pulled the boy close, letting the top of her forehead touch his; holding him. She hardly cared or noticed the pain in her legs. She had dragged them across the floor and the broken shards of glass from the spilled coffee pot had stuck in her legs and cut her. ["It doesn't matter."] Asuka didn't care. She began to kiss him again, holding him still closer.
Shinji released her, marveling at the touch she had given him; the love he had felt.
"What a disgusting feeling," she said.
"This place?"
"Yes. Though it doesn't have to be this way."
"It doesn't?"
"No. If you can find truth in your heart you can return."
"I know. My truth… I understand."
Shinji Ikari leaned down and placed a kiss upon the forehead of the girl beneath him.
"If I live, will I be able to see you again?"
"Is that what you believe?"
Shinji nodded, closing his eyes as he did so, allowing the tears to come. When he opened them again he found himself on the floor in his kitchen. He was out of breath. She was hugging him; kissing him. He could feel her lips upon his own. Lips. He could remember this feeling now. Feeling. It had returned to him. He no longer felt empty. ["Is this what you meant mother? Is this the truth within my heart?"]
