Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion. All characters and related material is the property of Gainax.
**Note: Unspoken thoughts will be displayed with [ and ] for clarification. Also the story flows from Shinji's perspective to Asuka's perspective, so often the same scene will be shown from two different viewpoints.
Shinnyo / Die Wirklichkeit Reality
"Mr. Ikari, you do realize that the third impact did not, has not, and will not, occur. It's impossible, you yourself defeated the angels."
Shinji Ikari did his best to acknowledge what the man had said to him. He was a psychologist, and probably a very good one at that so as to be allowed to know about NERV.
"I know," Shinji lied.
The third child was at this point very confused. He could see it all so vividly. ["Was it all just a dream?"] he asked himself. He had wanted Asuka to save him, and had been unable to move. He had simply sat; sat at listened to the screams of the German girl as she was ripped apart by the SEELE Evangelions. He had been in unit-01 on the cross, and then third impact had occurred. Everyone had become one. But it wasn't what he had wanted, and then he was on a beach; on a beach with Asuka. Shinji couldn't remember anything after that.
"Well good," the psychologist responded, "I'm glad that you are thinking straight again."
Shinji Ikari looked to his right to see Misato Katsuragi looking in to the window in to his room.
"Well Shinji I think that will be all for today," he said, "We will talk soon."
Shinji watched as the man exited his room.
"So how is he, doctor?"
"Well, Ms. Katsuragi, he seems to have suffered a very real and extreme hallucination. I can hardly blame him after all that he has been through."
"A hallucination of what?"
"He seems to have imagined the third impact occurring."
"Really?"
"Yes. Though he described it quite differently than how I would have pictured it."
"How so?"
"Well, he seems to have imagined that he was crucified inside of his Evangelion. And then he went on to tell me that he after this took place, he had complete control over the outcome of the world."
"What does it mean?"
"Well. As far as I can tell it seems to be some bizarre sort of defense mechanism. As far as what caused it, I have a theory. I think that Shinji found that he had some sort of a decision to make; a big decision; a life altering decision. I think that he couldn't handle what was taking place, and instead imagined himself as God. And in being God, imagined himself as completely in control of the situation he was in; completely able to make the decision for himself. I think that once he made his decision or whatever it was that he felt he had to do, he awoke back to reality."
"Does he remember what happened?"
"No, not a thing."
"Amnesia?"
"No, he hasn't actually forgotten anything. His mind simply saw something else during that time."
"I see. Perhaps that is for the best."
"Perhaps. Though, he seemed unable to confront some of what he saw. The last thing he told me was that he woke up on a beach. But he said he couldn't remember any more, and the next thing he knew he was in the NERV hospital."
"A beach?"
"Yes. I think something happened on that beach. Something very important to understanding why the hallucination occurred in the first place, and as to what the decision he felt he had to make was."
"I understand. If he remembers anything I will be sure to tell you. Thank you for all your help doctor."
"He doesn't remember anything?"
Asuka Langley Soryu could barely believe what she was hearing.
"No. None of it. At least, he doesn't remember what you saw in any case."
"What?"
"Never mind. Look Asuka, things will be for the best if you don't tell him what happened."
"Why? Misato I haven't even told you what happened!"
"I know. It's okay. Whatever it is that happened…he doesn't know about it, so things will be okay as far as I can tell. So I guess the secret can just be safe with you."
"Alright."
"Except, well, there is a message on the answering machine for you."
"About what?"
"It's a lawyer."
"A lawyer?"
Misato had a sad expression on her face.
"Since I called an ambulance there is a public record that Shinji attacked you. Therefore you can press charges. I…I would understand if you feel threatened by Shinji staying here now or…"
Asuka watched as Misato began to tear up. The second child knew what she was trying to tell her. Shinji could be taken to prison or even declared insane.
"Excuse me," Misato said.
Misato Katsuragi departed to her room, leaving the second child with her thoughts.
Asuka looked over at the answering machine. [It wasn't his fault; I was the one who treated him so horribly.] Asuka felt that she understood Shinji more than she ever had. [His hope…all he had hoped for was that I could love him.] Asuka realized that there was nobody else that he had. [He was abandoned by everyone he has ever known. Was I the only person he felt he had left?] Asuka then realized something else. [I was the only one he felt he had left, and I rejected him. He could have killed me; he had my life in his hands. But he didn't. What did I do? I touched him. Did I show him love? How is that possible unless…Do I love him? No, of course I don't. How could anyone love that Baka?]
Asuka stood from the table and began to walk towards the answering machine. She was again halted by her thoughts. [I told him that anyone could satisfy him. I told him that he was just trying to escape to me to cause me pain. Maybe I was the only one he wanted?]
Asuka shook her head, continuing her walk to the message machine. [Why am I always thinking about him? Why did I kiss him? That's, simple, I kissed him because I like tempting him. What a moron.]
Asuka took another step. [But, why do I see him when I sleep?] Asuka's mind struggled to find an answer for this question, and found that it could not before another was posed. [Why do I make love to him in my dreams? Why do I look at him when he isn't watching? Why did I hold him after he let me go? Why did I kiss him after he released me? Why didn't I care about the glass? Why did I disregard the pain?]
Asuka glanced down at her legs. Both were bandaged. She had pulled herself through broken glass simply to hold him. [Why was it so important? Why did I hurt myself just to hold him?]
Asuka took another step. [I'm such a coward. Do I love him? No…or am I just afraid that I love him? I'm such a bitch. I'm ashamed of him. Why? He is stronger than me, better than me; he always was. I hate him for that. I'm horrible. I hate him just because he is better than I am.] Pride. [What pride? I have lost everything. Is he all I have left? I could never admit that I dream about him; I could never tell him I think about him. I'm such a coward] It was at this time that Asuka came to a realization. [He loves me. I know for a fact now that he does.] She realized that she didn't have to tell him these things to know if he loved her in return. The second child realized that all of her questions about his feelings toward her had been answered. He did love her. [Do I love him?"]
Asuka now stood before the answering machine. It blinked at her, indicating there was one message to be played. She watched it for a time, and then reached her hand down to it. Asuka found that she couldn't press play. The second child instead reached to the left and pressed delete.
Shinji Ikari watched as trees and other scenery flew by as he rode home in his guardian's car. Shinji's mind found itself strangely lighted, as if something that had long weighed upon him had been lifted. Despite this feeling of elation however, the third child still found that his memory was fractured. He could remember almost nothing of the previous day; nothing but the "dream."
Shinji had asked Misato what happened but she seemed evasive, saying only that he had "passed out on the kitchen floor." The response had seemed reasonable enough to him despite the tone of its deliverance, so Shinji had simply left it at that.
Minutes later the third child found himself climbing the stairs to his apartment home. Upon entering the building he headed immediately towards the comfort of his room. He didn't quite make it.
Asuka Langley Soryu managed the courage to speak up just before he entered his room.
"Are you okay?"
The second child could almost feel herself trembling as she asked her question. She was showing concern. Even worse, she was showing concern for Shinji Ikari. Asuka hoped to God that he could not tell.
"Are you okay?"
[What?] Shinji Ikari turned to see his red headed roommate behind him. [Did she just ask if I was alright?] Shinji found himself quite shocked at these words. He examined her face, but found nothing but the confidence that normally presided there. It took Shinji another moment to realize that this expression had been absent upon the face of the second child for quite some time. Shinji found himself strangely enthused by the appearance of her old demeanor.
"Yah, I'm alright," he said, "Though from what I hear I must have really freaked out yesterday."
Shinji gave a smile after saying this. With the return of Asuka's old look he felt he wanted to express happiness. Somewhere deep down Shinji wished to return to the days when they had first met, before all of the horrible things had happened. Things had been simpler then. She had been arrogant and proud, and gorgeous. He had been shy and boring, yet looking back Shinji sensed that it had been the happiest time of his life.
"Yah, I'm alright," Shinji said, "Though from what I hear I must have really freaked out yesterday."
Asuka Langley Soryu suddenly felt as if she wanted to hit him as he flashed her an idiotic smile. [How can you possibly be smiling?] It took Asuka another moment to recall that Shinji remembered nothing of the previous day's events.
"Well I'm…[say glad to hear it say glad to hear it say glad to hear it say glad to hear it] sorry you didn't have to stay at the hospital longer, it was nice having you out of here [don't add baka don't add baka don't add baka don't add baka] baka."
[Damn it. I hate this. I'm so stupid.]
"Well I'm sorry you didn't have to stay at the hospital longer, it was nice having you out of here baka," she said.
Shinji Ikari felt no sting from these words; he was used to them and their like. And in truth, Shinji felt for the most part as if they meant nothing, though he knew she was probably telling him the truth. [She always was brutally honest.]
"Well I'm sorry to disappoint you," Shinji said with a sad eyed smile.
"Well I'm sorry to disappoint you," Shinji said.
There was that smile again. Asuka felt as if she no longer even had the power to hurt him, while, at the same time, feeling as if she would never have the courage to love him either.
