Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion. All characters and related material is owned by Gainax
***Note: Thoughts are displayed with [and]. Also, often times a scene is shown from two different perspectives. This will only occur between certain characters, such as Shinji and Asuka.
Shouheki / Absperrung Barriers
Shinji Ikari tried his best to concentrate on the music flowing from his SDAT player. He found that he was struggling; it was becoming harder for him to push his thoughts from his mind. The escape that usually came was absent. Shinji sighed, and sat up on his bed. He hadn't yet left his room, though it was already about 1:00 pm. Shinji knew that tomorrow he would return to school, and the mixture of emotions stirring within his mind bothered him. Shinji hated to thinking about it. He wished he didn't have to deal with what would take place when he saw everyone again. Toji…Shinji knew that he had been too frightened to visit his friend after what had happened with Unit-03. What did Toji think of him now? Kensuke…Shinji missed him greatly, yet he had not called him when he had been forced to leave the city during the destruction of the angels. The fear. He had been afraid of causing Kensuke pain by trying to enter into his life again. Shinji was unsure of why Kensuke would want to hear from him again. This was fundamentally related to the third child's almost nonexistent self worth. Asuka[…longing…fear…pain…beauty…touch…sensation…feeling…hurt…love…] Shinji turned up the volume on his SDAT.
Asuka Langley Soryu found herself clouded by confusion and depression. The day was bright and beautiful, but the effect seemed unable to spill over into the mind of the second child.
"Shinji…"
[I hate this].
Toji Suzahara slowly flexed his left arm, feeling the cold sensation where the metal met his shoulder blade. He watched silently as his prosthetic fingers moved up and down. It seemed almost robotic. In fact, Toji Suzahara felt less than human. He glanced down at his leg. It was concealed by his pants, of course, but he could still hate it easily enough.
Hikari Horaki dropped the last box upon the floor. This was it. With this last box unpacked she would be completely moved in to her new apartment. She took a deep breath and collapsed upon her bed. Her eyes gazed upon an unfamiliar ceiling, though her thoughts were elsewhere. She was excited to return to school again; she had sorely missed her class rep duties. They were one of two things that provided the young girl comfort. The other was the fourth child, though this was a different kind of comfort entirely. This was the kind of comfort that made your heart flutter and your pulse quicken. It was comfort born from the absolute discomfort of being around a person of the opposite sex. In fact there was almost nothing satisfying about it. It was longing; longing and sadness. Toji had been injured, and she knew that he would never be the same again. Hikari wished she could see him; she wished she could have been with him as he sat alone for those long hours in the hospital; she wished she could have just left her family behind when they had fled Tokyo 3. But that wasn't right; no, that wasn't right at all for a fourteen year old girl to be doing.
Asuka Langley Soryu found her eyes drawn to an unread email message on her account. She opened the link and found a message awaiting her. It was from Hikari Horaki, and had her new phone number and address. Asuka could her spirits rise immediately, and left her room to find a phone.
Toji Suzahara found himself dreading what tomorrow would bring. School. Though he was no longer dreading it for the usual reasons a young boy would. [I have to see everyone again. I will have to face them all. Shinji, Kensuke, Asuka, …Hikari]. Toji could picture them in his mind; he could see their stares, their looks of pity. Toji hated pity. He hated feeling weak; being different. Everyone was always looking at him. They tried to conceal it, of course, but he could tell. They would cough, or look away as he turned to them. They would always act nice to him; sickeningly nice. Toji glanced at his arm. [I hate this]. Toji swung his fist into his bedroom wall, feeling the slight delay in reaction, as well as the soft whir. It was quiet, very quiet, but it was still there. He could still here the sounds of the machine working; to Toji Suzahara it seemed to only get louder every time. The pain from the blow was what came next. It always came last. The pain was always a moment after the contact, and it never hurt as much as Toji hoped it would.
Toji pulled his arm back from the wall and examined it. [It won't ever bleed either] he thought. The fourth child could see the label clearly. Of all the things he hated, he surely hated it the most. It wasn't that large really, perhaps 2 inches horizontally and an inch vertically. It was a small metal square just below where his hand met his wrist. It had an identification number as well as a black barcode imprinted upon it. His arm might have looked completely normal, the others might never have even noticed, if it were not for those small black lines.
"So, Asuka, how have you been?" Hikari asked as brightly as she could. She found that acting happy sometimes made the truth hurt less.
"I've been alright I guess. I don't know, things are different now that the angels are gone."
"You must be so relieved."
"I suppose."
Hikari could easily sense the strangeness in her friend's tone. She was both concerned and excited at the same time. Talking about how others felt and trying to help them helped to push her thoughts from her own problems.
"Is their something going on with Shinji?"
"What! No way! What are you talking about?"
Hikari Horaki knew that when dealing with Asuka Langley Soryu, an outburst such as the one she had just heard almost always indicated a correct guess.
"Oh come one Asuka. I know you like him."
"That is absolutely not true."
More denial. [Why must we always deny our feelings? Is it so wrong to enjoy the presence of another?] Hikari Horaki could sense instinctively that Asuka harbored feelings for Shinji, though she knew that the German girl would never admit it. Such was how things worked. Perhaps on a subconscious level the brown haired Japanese girl knew that she herself tried to escape her own feelings. She felt confined by moral obligations and rules. It was simply easier to listen to Asuka and give advice about Shinji; at least, it was easier than taking the next step and actually admitting her feelings to Toji.
Kensuke Aida found himself smiling, and he knew precisely why. He was home; he was back in Tokyo-3, the most advanced militarily protected city in the entire world. And of course he was excited to see his friends again as well, no matter what shape they happened to be in. Kensuke was a natural optimist, and the way he was feeling today demonstrated nothing to the contrary.
Rei Ayanami found herself in total darkness. All of her lights were off, all of her shades were drawn, and she had made no effort to change this. In fact, she had not yet moved from where she had awoken on her bed. [Why? What purpose exists for me now?]
The first child found herself at a loss for meaning. The angels were gone, and she realized now that the commander had been using her. [What do I have left? Why cant I feel? What meaning is there for my life now?]
Tears. She had cried them. [Why? What does that mean? Is it sadness? But why…why am I sad?]
Shinji Ikari emerged from his room, his thoughts pounding in his ears. His music had provided him with no comfort, though he did not know why. [My name?"] Shinji had heard it mentioned from somewhere beyond the living room. He walked down the hallway and glanced into the kitchen. Asuka was there, her back facing toward him. She was talking on the phone. She must have heard him enter, for she immediately turned around with a disgusted look on her face.
"You weren't listening were you?" She said.
Asuka Langley Soryu ceased her conversation immediately when she realized that Shinji Ikari was behind her, putting on a scowl as she did so. [Did he hear me say anything about him?] The second child suddenly found that she could not recall what had been said of him, good or bad. [find out].
"You weren't listening were you?" Asuka said.
[Listening?] Shinji Ikari came to the realization that he had not been paying attention to what Asuka had been saying on the phone, his words had been drowned out by the sounds of his own mind engulfing his consciousness.
"No, I wasn't listening."
Asuka found her mind screaming with potential excuses for whatever it was that she had said as she waited for his response.
"No, I wasn't listening."
Asuka breathed an inner sigh. [safety. I am safe from his judgment and his opinion. Why are you still standing here? What do you see? Go away. I don't want you hear. I'm such a coward].
"Umm, are you just planning on standing there and staring at me all day?" Asuka said.
"I'm sorry," Shinji said, as he turned from her gaze and left.
"I'm sorry," Shinji heard himself say as he turned from her image. Somewhere inside of himself he sensed that he wanted to say more, yet nothing else had come to him. [and even if it had, would I have said it?] Shinji suddenly felt trapped within himself; held back by the self imposed barriers of his thoughts.
