This fan-fic is one half of a prequel to the greatness of John Morey and
Blake Wales. It is the side of the story that involves Armstrong Houston.
---------------------------------
Houston: Cable Guy *A Sailor Moon Parody, starring Houston!*
Chapter 1 - "Funny Bunny"
It was another slow day for Houston. He had no big missions on his agenda,
and his apartment was in its usual state of (SLOB!) condition. He didn't
care about that, though. He wanted to get enough money for this month's
groceries.
"Damn, being a bounty hunter stinks. No real activity from the pirates,
no big criminals to bring in...the usual garbage about Schneider...it's
all old news. Hmm..." Houston looks at an interesting article about
a temp company. "Always have positions available, huh? Need construction
hands, eh? I could do that. My Power Suit's got a Welder Beam on it,
aaand...I'm the guy they need!" He poses triumphantly in his pink silk
boxers with Dryden embroidered on them. "I'M A MMMMMMONEY MMMMAGNET!!"
He charges out the door and stops.
"Oh...wait. First, I need my Power Suit!" He rushes back in after slamming
into the door.
---------------------------------
"WHAT?! You mean to tell me that I CAN'T work like this?!"
"Yah. We get too many bount-ee hunters look-a for work, and we tahn-em-all
dowwwwwwn." The alien at the counter for registry points with what looked
like a thumbs-down movement. "You gotta know aboat whatt-a happen to the
Samus-girl, yah?" Houston looked at the alien quizziacly. Who was this
Samus-girl?
"Who is this Samus-girl you speak of?" The alien motions with it's four arms
partly flailing.
"She-sa nutcase! Blows-en up a restaurant cause of-a secrit society
k'nection! She-sa kahnspirocy theorist!" Houston draws a blank.
"Conspiracy theorist?" The alien nods.
"Yah. She-sa sain da Chairman Keaton was cozee witt-a Nat-zees centur-eez
ago! He-sa gotta Hitler complex, she-sa sayin'!" Houston leaned on the
counter.
"Well...it is a little true. He's just as much an oddball as her. They'd be
perfect together." The alien laughs.
"HAW-HA-HAW! You-is funny! Them two an item! Why, Hah-dee wouldn't
halve it!"
"No...he'd quadruple it." The alien howls in laughter. He probably made
some needed headway in the contacts department.
"Hey-ey! You-is getta kahmedy job! You-is too funny to stay-a here! By tea
way, mine name is Kocha Ruge! You gett-a change outfits, and go-en to...
ahm...Fahny Bahny Kahmedy!" Houston panics. This is a big odd job, even
-if- he is a bounty hunter.
"Funny Bunny Comedy?! That's a little ritzy, I got nothin' to wear for it!
Besides that, I hope I don't screw up..."
"Don't wear-y, I got-ya. You getta paid reel good there. And throwin' a few
t'matos at Keaton ain-ta gon-na hurt!" Houston gets a change of outfit and a
ride to a place the size of a small theater with a neon sign of a rabbit
laughing. He gets out of the limo and walks up to the entrance.
Houston sighs and goes inside the door. "Here we go." He gets stopped by
a bouncer who looks up and down him.
"You fix cable?" Houston grins.
"I could. After all, I'm kind of hurting for any kind of work." The
bouncer recognizes Houston and takes the papers about his job from him.
"Hmmm...you act last. Fix cable now. Give you 500 Credits." Houston
whistles. Credits were a lot. 5000 dollars on the exchange rate. He
didn't even have 25 cents on him. He followed the direction map that
the bouncer gave him, going through the service passages to the transmission
room, where the Internet TV, cable, and sattelite signals were recieved.
While he worked on the cable descrambler, he had a thought about how much
money he was being given for the work.
'This bouncer must get paid real well, tips and bribes and wages. I
could work here all the time, if I wanted to. There, all done.' He turns
around to see the bouncer behind him. "Oh! Heh...I just got done."
"Good. Your act next. Timing perfect. Five minutes, go." The bouncer
tosses a small card at Houston, who catches it and briskly walks to the
backstage. There he saw quite the audience. Keaton had a front table seat,
and Hardy was somewhere in the back, eating sandwiches. He saw something
that gave him a surprise: Adam Malkovich sitting next to Keaton.
'Something big is trotting on. Otherwise a CO for the apprentice hunters
wouldn't be near Keaton. H-hey! That's Locuthis Schneider! Who's he with?'
He looks at a small blonde-haired girl, definitely younger than 18. She had
a look on her face like she was going to murder Schneider at any second now.
"Now that would be a comedy act..." Houston mutters under his breath.
"Speaking of...I've got no jokes right now. Wait. Hardy can get poked fun
at and still not care...most of the time. I've got it." Houston dons a
fruit lady dancer's dress and fruit covered hat, and grabs a couple of
maracas. "This'll knock 'em out."
"And now...Armstrong Houstonnnn!" Houston immediately jumps out of the
curtains and trips on the dress skirt. Sure enough, everyone begins to
laugh...even Keaton and that blonde girl.
"Ow...uh...excuse me for a moment, while I recompose myself." Houston
ahems a couple of times and speaks in a weird falsetto. "And now, for
a song about everyone's favorite cop!" He shakes the maracas and a band
begins playing while he dances. "EVERYBODY LOVES HAR-DY!!!" The song
trails off as Keaton quickly loses interest and talks with Adam again.
"You know, sending Samus on this mission might get her a little publicity.
Other than the occasional news breif about her blowing up a Freemason lodge."
Adam rubs his chin, leaning on the table.
"There were other reasons for this, sir. She needs to learn to cope with...
well, even our worst bounty hunters. After all, erm...this is getting very
distracting with all the laughter. Shall we watch the act, sir?"
"Fine." Keaton sighs. "We'll watch this goofball drag queen."
"He's a healthy eat-er, and that's a 'fat'..." The blonde girl looks at
the stage.
"I guess I can tolerate asking you a question or two." Schneider looks
at Samus with interest.
"Fire away then, Samus." Samus brushes her hair out of the way.
"Who the hell is Hardy?" Schneider's head slams on the table.
"Who is Hardy?" He laughs at that question. "He's that fat guy over there.
James Hardy, the Galactic Federation Chief of Security."
"Oh, a cop." Samus rolls her eyes. "So, who's the joker on stage?"
"Heh...Armstrong Houston, a bounty hunter. He's pathetic. Hardly gets
work because he doesn't come to a CO for commissions, he'd rather they
come to him. Have you even SEEN the condition of filth he lives in?"
Samus squirms a moment. This guy was a slob?
"Gods, I wouldn't wanna work with him."
"Ah, changed your mind about working with Houston, have you? Well, then.
I'd like to give you some information. Work alone or with me, it's your
choice, but in the end, I'll always still be beside you." Samus slaps his
arm.
"Nice try, perv-guy." Schneider grunts and takes a sip from his water glass.
And Houston sang on, to the cheers and laughs of the audience...
---------------------------------
"WHO-HOO! 25,500 Credits in total! What a rake-in! Not even a job with
the Guild pays me that much! I ought to reconsider my career!" Houston
continues with his spree of glee, obviously thinking about what to spend
the extra money on. After paying his bills and buy a few months worth of
foodstuffs, he moves his attention to his Power Suit.
"What should I buy for this? Maybe some extra Missile Packs...Energy Tanks.
No! Wait! Missile and Beam Upgrades! Yah! Missiles and Beams!" Samus
peeks inside of Houston's apartment.
"Oh, gods...what a mess. Worse than Ezzie." Houston turns to face Samus.
"Who's Ezzie?"
"My roommate. Game freak, uber-big-time."
"Wait...Ezzie Watskirchan?"
"That'd be him." Houston trips over a cord.
"Shit! I've not visited him in a month! Never seen you around here, though.
Maybe ya just were locked in your tidy little space of a room." Samus walks
up to Houston and motions to punch him.
"It SO happens that I have lived here for two years as an apprentice bounty
hunter on Alpha Centauri Station! Now, if YOU think that Ezzie is as much
of a mess-monger as you, you're sorely mistaken!" Samus looks at the sink.
Piled with dirty plates. "He DOES do the dishes. And he vacuums the floor,
when there isn't stuff all over it. It's my job to keep stuff off of it
as much as I can while there."
"And what do you do for rent and bills? And food??" Samus folds her arms.
"He's got a steady job as a game designer. Works for Nintendo." Houston
picks up some dirty T-shirts.
"Ooh, big whoop. The oldest and best game company aside of SquareEnix."
Houston throws the shirts into a basket. "It so happens that I'm treating
myself to a clean apartment because I got me a big-ass lump sum of Creds,
and you only get chump change with your job, if you can get one!" That
stung Samus like a hornet's entire nest. She wasn't boiling at this guy
earlier, but now she was, and hit him so hard that he toppled over the
couch that he was knocked into.
"SON OF A BITCH! Don't you DARE diss me! I've been trained to fight, and
quite possibly for years more than you! You're just some filthy asshole
who got filthy rich quick! And how?! By dressing up as the Chiquita Banana
Lady and singing about Hardy! You are so LOW and RUDE!! I would never work
with you on a bounty mission!" Houston struggles up over the couch.
"FINE! I'm quitting the Guild soon, anyway! I'd HATE TO BE YOUR PARTNER!
SOMEONE WHO WOULD BE THE ABSOLUTE SLEAZEBALL PUTTING UP WITH YOUR BULLSHIT,
JUST SO HE CAN TRY TO GET A PIECE OF YOUR ASS!" Samus walks outside the door
and it closes, then punches it, causing a large dent in the door. "...AAGH!
She busted my ******* door! I can't get it open! Gotta call Hardy."
--------------------------------
"You know, I've never heard of her doing property damage that Keaton hasn't
had to complain about. But, aside of that, you musta made her pretty mad,
huh?" Houston sulks by the door.
"Yeah, you could say that. Replacing the door is gonna take all my money.
Dammit, she knew just how to make a hole in my pocket." Hardy nods.
"She does that sometimes. I've seen her handiwork. She's really wild, and
will jump on you the moment you insult her. Samus Aran. Her parents were
killed by pirates, that's the official record. She was the only survivor."
"Anything else?"
"Yeah, joined the Bounty Hunter's guild at the age of-uhm...I think 10 or 12.
She became an apprentice hunter not long after that. They say that she can
take any job that most low-rating hunters won't even go for, and come out of
them alive. Maybe not successful, but alive."
"She's talented for an apprentice, then."
"Yeah, her CO is Adam Malkovich. He's got her on a pirate hunt. It's about
something curious, really. Icers hiring Mother Brain for something. You
want in on it?" Houston looks at Hardy.
"Well, Samus basically drained my cash reserve, why not? I've got a bounty
job...for once." Hardy looks inside Houston's apartment.
'Wow...what a mess...' "Uhb...Houston?" Houston grabs Hardy and walks away,
grinning.
"I know, Hardy...I know..."
------------------------------------
(Nah well, decided to close this chapter after all. I'll do Houston's
superhero thing next chapter, so that both halves of the story are consistent.
Ba-i!)
Katri Mattrix
Blake Wales. It is the side of the story that involves Armstrong Houston.
---------------------------------
Houston: Cable Guy *A Sailor Moon Parody, starring Houston!*
Chapter 1 - "Funny Bunny"
It was another slow day for Houston. He had no big missions on his agenda,
and his apartment was in its usual state of (SLOB!) condition. He didn't
care about that, though. He wanted to get enough money for this month's
groceries.
"Damn, being a bounty hunter stinks. No real activity from the pirates,
no big criminals to bring in...the usual garbage about Schneider...it's
all old news. Hmm..." Houston looks at an interesting article about
a temp company. "Always have positions available, huh? Need construction
hands, eh? I could do that. My Power Suit's got a Welder Beam on it,
aaand...I'm the guy they need!" He poses triumphantly in his pink silk
boxers with Dryden embroidered on them. "I'M A MMMMMMONEY MMMMAGNET!!"
He charges out the door and stops.
"Oh...wait. First, I need my Power Suit!" He rushes back in after slamming
into the door.
---------------------------------
"WHAT?! You mean to tell me that I CAN'T work like this?!"
"Yah. We get too many bount-ee hunters look-a for work, and we tahn-em-all
dowwwwwwn." The alien at the counter for registry points with what looked
like a thumbs-down movement. "You gotta know aboat whatt-a happen to the
Samus-girl, yah?" Houston looked at the alien quizziacly. Who was this
Samus-girl?
"Who is this Samus-girl you speak of?" The alien motions with it's four arms
partly flailing.
"She-sa nutcase! Blows-en up a restaurant cause of-a secrit society
k'nection! She-sa kahnspirocy theorist!" Houston draws a blank.
"Conspiracy theorist?" The alien nods.
"Yah. She-sa sain da Chairman Keaton was cozee witt-a Nat-zees centur-eez
ago! He-sa gotta Hitler complex, she-sa sayin'!" Houston leaned on the
counter.
"Well...it is a little true. He's just as much an oddball as her. They'd be
perfect together." The alien laughs.
"HAW-HA-HAW! You-is funny! Them two an item! Why, Hah-dee wouldn't
halve it!"
"No...he'd quadruple it." The alien howls in laughter. He probably made
some needed headway in the contacts department.
"Hey-ey! You-is getta kahmedy job! You-is too funny to stay-a here! By tea
way, mine name is Kocha Ruge! You gett-a change outfits, and go-en to...
ahm...Fahny Bahny Kahmedy!" Houston panics. This is a big odd job, even
-if- he is a bounty hunter.
"Funny Bunny Comedy?! That's a little ritzy, I got nothin' to wear for it!
Besides that, I hope I don't screw up..."
"Don't wear-y, I got-ya. You getta paid reel good there. And throwin' a few
t'matos at Keaton ain-ta gon-na hurt!" Houston gets a change of outfit and a
ride to a place the size of a small theater with a neon sign of a rabbit
laughing. He gets out of the limo and walks up to the entrance.
Houston sighs and goes inside the door. "Here we go." He gets stopped by
a bouncer who looks up and down him.
"You fix cable?" Houston grins.
"I could. After all, I'm kind of hurting for any kind of work." The
bouncer recognizes Houston and takes the papers about his job from him.
"Hmmm...you act last. Fix cable now. Give you 500 Credits." Houston
whistles. Credits were a lot. 5000 dollars on the exchange rate. He
didn't even have 25 cents on him. He followed the direction map that
the bouncer gave him, going through the service passages to the transmission
room, where the Internet TV, cable, and sattelite signals were recieved.
While he worked on the cable descrambler, he had a thought about how much
money he was being given for the work.
'This bouncer must get paid real well, tips and bribes and wages. I
could work here all the time, if I wanted to. There, all done.' He turns
around to see the bouncer behind him. "Oh! Heh...I just got done."
"Good. Your act next. Timing perfect. Five minutes, go." The bouncer
tosses a small card at Houston, who catches it and briskly walks to the
backstage. There he saw quite the audience. Keaton had a front table seat,
and Hardy was somewhere in the back, eating sandwiches. He saw something
that gave him a surprise: Adam Malkovich sitting next to Keaton.
'Something big is trotting on. Otherwise a CO for the apprentice hunters
wouldn't be near Keaton. H-hey! That's Locuthis Schneider! Who's he with?'
He looks at a small blonde-haired girl, definitely younger than 18. She had
a look on her face like she was going to murder Schneider at any second now.
"Now that would be a comedy act..." Houston mutters under his breath.
"Speaking of...I've got no jokes right now. Wait. Hardy can get poked fun
at and still not care...most of the time. I've got it." Houston dons a
fruit lady dancer's dress and fruit covered hat, and grabs a couple of
maracas. "This'll knock 'em out."
"And now...Armstrong Houstonnnn!" Houston immediately jumps out of the
curtains and trips on the dress skirt. Sure enough, everyone begins to
laugh...even Keaton and that blonde girl.
"Ow...uh...excuse me for a moment, while I recompose myself." Houston
ahems a couple of times and speaks in a weird falsetto. "And now, for
a song about everyone's favorite cop!" He shakes the maracas and a band
begins playing while he dances. "EVERYBODY LOVES HAR-DY!!!" The song
trails off as Keaton quickly loses interest and talks with Adam again.
"You know, sending Samus on this mission might get her a little publicity.
Other than the occasional news breif about her blowing up a Freemason lodge."
Adam rubs his chin, leaning on the table.
"There were other reasons for this, sir. She needs to learn to cope with...
well, even our worst bounty hunters. After all, erm...this is getting very
distracting with all the laughter. Shall we watch the act, sir?"
"Fine." Keaton sighs. "We'll watch this goofball drag queen."
"He's a healthy eat-er, and that's a 'fat'..." The blonde girl looks at
the stage.
"I guess I can tolerate asking you a question or two." Schneider looks
at Samus with interest.
"Fire away then, Samus." Samus brushes her hair out of the way.
"Who the hell is Hardy?" Schneider's head slams on the table.
"Who is Hardy?" He laughs at that question. "He's that fat guy over there.
James Hardy, the Galactic Federation Chief of Security."
"Oh, a cop." Samus rolls her eyes. "So, who's the joker on stage?"
"Heh...Armstrong Houston, a bounty hunter. He's pathetic. Hardly gets
work because he doesn't come to a CO for commissions, he'd rather they
come to him. Have you even SEEN the condition of filth he lives in?"
Samus squirms a moment. This guy was a slob?
"Gods, I wouldn't wanna work with him."
"Ah, changed your mind about working with Houston, have you? Well, then.
I'd like to give you some information. Work alone or with me, it's your
choice, but in the end, I'll always still be beside you." Samus slaps his
arm.
"Nice try, perv-guy." Schneider grunts and takes a sip from his water glass.
And Houston sang on, to the cheers and laughs of the audience...
---------------------------------
"WHO-HOO! 25,500 Credits in total! What a rake-in! Not even a job with
the Guild pays me that much! I ought to reconsider my career!" Houston
continues with his spree of glee, obviously thinking about what to spend
the extra money on. After paying his bills and buy a few months worth of
foodstuffs, he moves his attention to his Power Suit.
"What should I buy for this? Maybe some extra Missile Packs...Energy Tanks.
No! Wait! Missile and Beam Upgrades! Yah! Missiles and Beams!" Samus
peeks inside of Houston's apartment.
"Oh, gods...what a mess. Worse than Ezzie." Houston turns to face Samus.
"Who's Ezzie?"
"My roommate. Game freak, uber-big-time."
"Wait...Ezzie Watskirchan?"
"That'd be him." Houston trips over a cord.
"Shit! I've not visited him in a month! Never seen you around here, though.
Maybe ya just were locked in your tidy little space of a room." Samus walks
up to Houston and motions to punch him.
"It SO happens that I have lived here for two years as an apprentice bounty
hunter on Alpha Centauri Station! Now, if YOU think that Ezzie is as much
of a mess-monger as you, you're sorely mistaken!" Samus looks at the sink.
Piled with dirty plates. "He DOES do the dishes. And he vacuums the floor,
when there isn't stuff all over it. It's my job to keep stuff off of it
as much as I can while there."
"And what do you do for rent and bills? And food??" Samus folds her arms.
"He's got a steady job as a game designer. Works for Nintendo." Houston
picks up some dirty T-shirts.
"Ooh, big whoop. The oldest and best game company aside of SquareEnix."
Houston throws the shirts into a basket. "It so happens that I'm treating
myself to a clean apartment because I got me a big-ass lump sum of Creds,
and you only get chump change with your job, if you can get one!" That
stung Samus like a hornet's entire nest. She wasn't boiling at this guy
earlier, but now she was, and hit him so hard that he toppled over the
couch that he was knocked into.
"SON OF A BITCH! Don't you DARE diss me! I've been trained to fight, and
quite possibly for years more than you! You're just some filthy asshole
who got filthy rich quick! And how?! By dressing up as the Chiquita Banana
Lady and singing about Hardy! You are so LOW and RUDE!! I would never work
with you on a bounty mission!" Houston struggles up over the couch.
"FINE! I'm quitting the Guild soon, anyway! I'd HATE TO BE YOUR PARTNER!
SOMEONE WHO WOULD BE THE ABSOLUTE SLEAZEBALL PUTTING UP WITH YOUR BULLSHIT,
JUST SO HE CAN TRY TO GET A PIECE OF YOUR ASS!" Samus walks outside the door
and it closes, then punches it, causing a large dent in the door. "...AAGH!
She busted my ******* door! I can't get it open! Gotta call Hardy."
--------------------------------
"You know, I've never heard of her doing property damage that Keaton hasn't
had to complain about. But, aside of that, you musta made her pretty mad,
huh?" Houston sulks by the door.
"Yeah, you could say that. Replacing the door is gonna take all my money.
Dammit, she knew just how to make a hole in my pocket." Hardy nods.
"She does that sometimes. I've seen her handiwork. She's really wild, and
will jump on you the moment you insult her. Samus Aran. Her parents were
killed by pirates, that's the official record. She was the only survivor."
"Anything else?"
"Yeah, joined the Bounty Hunter's guild at the age of-uhm...I think 10 or 12.
She became an apprentice hunter not long after that. They say that she can
take any job that most low-rating hunters won't even go for, and come out of
them alive. Maybe not successful, but alive."
"She's talented for an apprentice, then."
"Yeah, her CO is Adam Malkovich. He's got her on a pirate hunt. It's about
something curious, really. Icers hiring Mother Brain for something. You
want in on it?" Houston looks at Hardy.
"Well, Samus basically drained my cash reserve, why not? I've got a bounty
job...for once." Hardy looks inside Houston's apartment.
'Wow...what a mess...' "Uhb...Houston?" Houston grabs Hardy and walks away,
grinning.
"I know, Hardy...I know..."
------------------------------------
(Nah well, decided to close this chapter after all. I'll do Houston's
superhero thing next chapter, so that both halves of the story are consistent.
Ba-i!)
Katri Mattrix
