NOTE: This story was originally posted on the GameFAQs Advance Wars 2 board. This story has been taken from that unedited except for a few spelling/grammar corrections. The different were originally posted seperately, and have been joined together in this edition. HTML tags have not been removed due to laziness. Enjoy the story.
iAdvance Wars 2.5, Part 1/i
In the Black Hole base...
Hawke: Adder! You're standing crooked!
Adder: So?
Hawke: So you'll need to stand up straight or I'll be forced to put a painful back brace into you!
Adder: *stands up straight*
Hawke: Good! Now let's see what I can criticize Lash for!
(Hawke goes to Lash's room)
Hawke: Lash! What are you doing?
Lash: Um...top secret! Yeah, top secret!
Hawke: If you were going to those web sites again...
Lash: Oh, this is probably a bad time to tell you, but I ordered a deneuralizer off ebay and charged it to your account.
Hawke: How much was it?!
Lash: $10.
Hawke: Oh well. I guess that's not that bad.
Hawke leaves.
Lash: Oops! I misread that. It's really $1,000,000. Oh well, what difference can five 0's make anyway?
Hawke runs into Flak.
Flak: Hawke, I was doing some thinking, and I realized that what's been going on blatantly and completely contradicts Advance Wars 2. Thus, this discussion should not actually be taking place by the laws of logic. Of course, theoretically we...why are you looking at me like that?
Hawke: Flak, you're an idiot.
Hawke leaves.
Flak: Oh well. Might as well finish up reading War and Peace. Then I'll listen to Beethoven's Fifth Symphony again.
Later...
Sturm: Is everyone clear on the plan?
Flak: I want a hot dog!
Everyone stares at Flak.
Flak: What?
Sturm: Okay, the plan is, we all go out for hot dogs.
Adder: ...and conquer Blue Moon while we're at it?
Sturm: Sure, why not?
Orange Star...
Andy: Where's my lucky wrench? I need my lucky wrench!
Sami: You don't HAVE a lucky wrench, Andy.
Andy: That's besides the point! I need it to fix this wall to protect us from those killer Typhoons and Tsunamis I've seen on the news!
Sami: That's just Drake using his CO Power.
Andy: I sure wish we'd had this discussion 8 hours ago.
Max: Everyone! Listen up! Black Hole is planning to attack Blue Moon! And get a lot of hot dogs!
Sami: So? What's your point?
Max: I don't know. I just wanted to share that news.
Speaking of Blue Moon...
Olaf: Where's Colin?
Grit: He's in school.
Olaf; SCHOOL?! He's a Commanding Officer in the Blue Moon army! Why does he need to go to school? When I became a Commanding Officer, I never went to school again!
Grit: Exactly when did you stop going to school?
Olaf: It was in the 13th grade.
Grit: What is the lowest prime number?
Olaf: 42!
Grit: Maybe Colin should stay in school a while longer...
(In school)
Colin: What?! I couldn't have gotten an A on this test! I studied all night for it!
Teacher: But an A is a great grade!
Colin: No way! I want an S!
Teacher: Well, how about an F?
Colin: Well, that's closer to S than A is, so...okay!
Teacher: I hate my job.
Classmate: Hey, are those tanks outside?
Sturm: Surrender immediately, and give us all your hot dogs!
Teacher: HOT DOGS?! We don't have hot dogs here, this is a school!
Sturm: Oh? Oh well, let's leave, then.
Hawke: I have a better idea. DESTROY THAT SCHOOL!!!!
Sturm: What? What's the point of staying here if they don't have hot dogs?
Hawke: Well, think about it. If they don't have hot dogs, then if we destroy the building, we know we won't be harming any hot dogs.
Sturm: Good idea! All tanks, ATTACK!
Teacher: TO THE BUNKER!!!
Colin: We have a bunker?
Teacher: We do now!
Meanwhile...
Olaf: Oh no! The Black Hole army is demolishing a school! What if it's the one Colin is in?
Grit: Don't worry. The chances of it being that school are 1 in...1.
Olaf: Phew! I was worried it was going to be 1 in 1,000!
Grit: Maybe Colin should continue until he's in college...
bWill Colin be destroyed along with his school? Will Andy find his non-existant lucky wrench? Will Olaf ever understand math? Find out the answers (maybe) in the next episode of Advance Wars 2.5!/b
iAdvance Wars 2.5, Part 2/i
In our previous episode, Black Hole was in the process of destroying Colin's school in their search for hot dogs. Let's see what's happening now...
Olaf: Hurry up! We've got to save Colin!
Grit: ...and the rest of the people?
Olaf: Yeah, them too!
Grit: Okay, let's get the Rockets and Artillery ready!
Olaf: Wait, you think I'm letting YOU assume command? Don't be ridiculous! I'm the one who's going to fight off Black Hole, just like before!
Grit: Actually, it wasn't you who fought them off...
Olaf: INSUBORDINATION! I sentence you to...to...oh, I'm not good at thinking of punishments! Punish yourself, and I'll get back to you later! All right, let's get the whole army ready! This should take only 1 day.
Grit: But one day is too late!
Olaf: Fine then! Two days!
Grit: No, one day is okay...
Back at the (destroyed) school...
Lash: Haha! We now have all of you students...and teachers...and principals...and COs surrounded!
Adder: COs?
Flak: Yeah! Isn't that kid over there Colin?
Sturm: You're right! Take him prisoner! NOW!
Flak: Hey, wait a minute, Lash...you said COs. That's plural. There's only Colin here, so that's only one CO.
Hawke: You're an idiot, Flak.
Flak: Genius is never understood in its own time.
One day later...
Olaf: We're here! The entire Blue Moon army is here! Not even Black Hole can defeat this force! Um...er...where is Black Hole?
Grit: They must've left already.
Olaf: What? All those preparations for nothing? Oh well, let's just go back to the base.
Grit: But don't they have Colin?
Olaf: Good point. Let's go back to the base and have some hot cocoa.
In the Black Hole base...
Sturm: Tell us all of the top-secret information about the Blue Moon army you know, as a Blue Moon CO!
Colin: Never! You can kill me or torture me, but I'll never tell you!
Sturm: How about I pay you?
Colin: Sure thing! But it'll cost you an arm and a leg.
Sturm: How much?
Colin: I just told you. An arm and a leg.
Sturm: Lash, find a soldier willing to give up an arm and a leg!
Lash: Sure!
Lash leaves.
Sturm: There has to be at least one dolt dumb enough to do that!
One hour later...
Lash: Nope! They all refused!
Sturm: Oh, why did I ever set the minimum IQ level for soldiers at 100? Where are we going to find an arm and a leg at this hour?
bWill Sturm find an arm and a leg? Will Colin give Black Hole the secrets of the Blue Moon army? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5!/b
iAdvance Wars 2.5, Part 3/i
In our previous episode, Colin was kidnapped and refused to tell Black Hole any of the Blue Moon's military secrets unless Sturm gave him an arm and a leg. Let's see what Grit and Olaf are up to...
Grit: We've got to rescue Colin!
Olaf: Why?
Grit: Well, it's the right thing to do.
Olaf: So?
Grit: So, if we rescue him, he can give us more money using Gold Rush!
Olaf: Good idea! Let's save him! And we'll do it all by ourselves! But first, we're going to need some help.
(Black Hole base)
Colin: Heh, heh. They'll take so long to find an arm and a leg, in the meantime I'll be rescued! I am SO smart.
Sturm: I found the arm and a leg you asked for!
Colin: I am SO dumb.
Sturm: Now, about those secrets...
Colin: Um, yeah. (must tell him false information) Well, for starters, we have a secret CO named...um...Lord Seth! Yeah! And his troops are really, really strong in offensive, but they're really, really weak in defensive. And his CO Power increases his already insanely strong troops, and his Super CO Power is basically his CO Power, only stronger! Yeah!
A while later...
Grit: Sturm! We have the entire Blue Moon army here! Release Colin and we'll give you hot dogs!
Sturm: Sure thing! (heh, heh, now I know all of Blue Moon's secrets! Conquering them will be a cinch!) OK, OK, here's Colin.
Olaf: WHAT?! There are two Colins!
Grit: One of them must be a clone.
Sturm: Right you are! You have to pick only one to take with you!
Grit: Okay...which is stronger, a Md. Tank or an Infantry?
Colin 1: Infantry!
Colin 2: Md. Tank!
Grit: It's the first one.
Sturm: Drat. Now get out of here before I make you give me more hot dogs!
Grit: Okay, okay...*leaves*
Sturm: Mwahahaha! Little did they know that BOTH Colins were clones!
Lash: Hey, Sturm! I got the second Colin clone you asked for! Sorry it's a bit late!
Sturm: WHAT?! You mean they got the real Colin?
Lash: I guess so...
Sturm: Oh, who cares? I have all the military secrets!
One day later...
Colin: Oh no! Black Hole's invading again!
Grit: Why are they going right when our HQ is to the left?
Sturm: Okay Lash, do we go to the left?
Lash: Right.
Sturm: Okay, to the right it is! Hey, where are Flak and Adder?
Adder: We've barely been appearing in this! We're on strike until we get a larger role!
Flak: Whatever he said!
Sturm: Oh well. Let's see, according to what Colin said, their HQ should be right here. Go there!
A while later...
Hawke: I have bad news. It looks like we've fallen into quicksand.
Sturm: WHAT?! But Colin said that the HQ was here!
Hawke: Maybe he lied?
Sturm: Oh. Right.
Hawke: Any ideas on how to get out of this quicksand?
Lash: Not one.
Well, most of the action has occured in Blue Moon. Let's check up on Green Earth.
Eagle: NO! And you can't make me!
Drake: Eagle, everyone has to swim sooner or later.
Eagle: I refuse! I hate water!
Drake: But it's an important lifelong skill!
Eagle: Hey, I've survived so far without knowing how to swim!
Drake pushes Eagle into the pool.
Eagle: Help! I'm drowning! Ahhhh!
Jess: Eagle, stand up!
Eagle: *stands up* Oh wait, the water was one foot deep. Nevermind.
Drake: Hey, there are some Battleships that are attacking Green Earth! Who deals with them?
Jess: I know! Let's draw straws!
One hour later...
Hachi: Well, it looks like Eagle's drawing of a straw was the worst. He has to go!
Eagle: Whose idea was it to have him be the judge anyway?
Hachi points at Drake. Drake points at Jess. Jess points at Hachi.
Eagle: Oh, forget it! I'll have to deal with the Battleships myself. Ready the Fighters!
Drake: Eagle, they already destroyed the Fighters while we were drawing straws.
Eagle: But Battleships can't attack Fighters!
Drake: WHO CARES?! They still destroyed them! And Fighters can't attack Battleships anyway!
Eagle: Okay...ready the B Copters and Bombers!
Jess: They were destroyed, also.
Eagle: Okay...ready the Submarines!
Drake: Sure thing!
Eagle's Submarines attack the Battleships and get creamed.
Drake: I TOLD you you should have learned to swim...
Eagle: What does swimming have to do with Submarines?
Drake: I don't know, but I'm sure I saw it somewhere in the instructions manual!
Jess: You and your instructions manuals.
Eagle: Drake, you send YOUR submarines to attack the Battleships!
Drake's Submarines attack the Battleships and are creamed by Cruisers.
Eagle: Where did those Cruisers come from?
Drake: Probably from metal.
Eagle: You take everything too literally. JUST SEND OUT THE ENTIRE GREEN EARTH ARMY!!!
The entire Green Earth Army goes out and is clobbered by a combination of Battleships, Cruisers, and Bombers.
Eagle: Drat.
bWill Green Earth survive the assault? Will Sturm escape from the quicksand? Will Eagle ever learn to swim? I have no idea, but be sure to see the next episode of Advance Wars 2.5!/b
iAdvance Wars 2.5, Part 4/i
In our previous episode, the entire Green Earth army was annihilated by some Bombers, Cruisers, and Battleships that appeared unexpectedly. Let's see who controls them...
Kanbei: Yes! Yes! We have conquered Black Hole!
Sonja: We're at Green Earth!
Kanbei: Well, when I say we're at Black Hole, we're at Black Hole! So this is Black Hole! Attack! Attack!! ATTACK!!!
Sonja: No way! We'd be attacking our allies!
Kanbei: INSUBORDINATION! Throw her in the brig!
Sonja: But...but..
Kanbei: And you're not coming out until you write I will not question Kanbei, the great, spectacular, brilliant, wise, amazing, strong, genius, popular Emperor of Yellow Comet 1,000 times!
Sonja: But...
Kanbei: 10,000 times! TAKE HER AWAY!!!
Yellow Comet soldiers drag Sonja away.
Kanbei: Now, ATTACK BLACK HOLE!
Meanwhile in Green Earth...
Kanbei: It's Black Hole!
Okay, okay, Black Hole...
Eagle: Oh darn. We have to evacuate the country.
Drake: But we don't have an evacuation plan!
Jess: Yeah! I kept telling you we should have an evacuation plan, but you kept saying that we wouldn't need one!
Drake: What will we do?
Jess: Fortunately, I created my own evacuation plan!
Eagle: WHAT?! You went behind my back and created your OWN evacuation plan?
Jess: Yes.
Eagle: You...you...you...genius! Remind me to promote you!
Drake: But if you promote her, she'll have a higher rank than me!
Eagle: Good point. I'll have to demote you, instead, Jess.
Jess: Can't you just keep me in the same position?
Eagle: What a great idea! I'm so glad I thought of it!
Jess: Now, about that evacuation...
Eagle: Don't worry. I've watched TV long enough to know that for some reason the enemy does absolutely nothing while we have conversations like these.
Loud booms are heard.
Eagle: Well, you can't believe everything you see! EVACUATE!
You know, I just realized that we haven't seen what's going on with Orange Star. Let's check.
Nell: The entire Yellow Comet army is attacking Green Earth! Do you know what this means?
Andy: We stay here, sitting on our butts, doing nothing?
Nell: Good idea, but I have a better one. Let's attack Yellow Comet and take it over!
Max: But wouldn't someone else take over our country?
Hachi: Good point. Let's stay here, sitting on our butts, doing nothing.
bWill Orange Star get tired of doing nothing? Will Sonja ever finish writing...um...er...well, you know what! And what's Sturm up to in the meantime? How did Hachi get from Green Earth to Orange Star so quickly? Will I ever run out of questions to ask? Find out next time on Advance Wars 2.5!/b
iAdvance Wars 2.5, Part 5/i
Last time, Green Earth managed to evacuate while Kanbei (who thought Green Earth was Black Hole) attacked. Everyone in Orange Star were mostly just sitting on their butts, doing nothing. Let's see how Green Earth is...
Eagle: OK! Everyone is loaded into the T Copters? Evacuate!
Jess: But the enemy Fighters will attack the T Copters!
Eagle: That's what you think! LIGHTNING STRIKE!
The Copters move twice as fast as before.
Eagle: See?
Drake: But how will WE escape?
Eagle: I hadn't thought of that...
Drake: Swim for it!
Eagle: But I can't swim!
Drake: I TOLD you you should have learned to swim! Fortunately, I saved a few Landers for this occasion! LET'S GET GOING!
Later...
Eagle: But why did you have 10 Landers?
Drake: Easy! The other 9 are decoys. They won't know which one to attack! I got this idea from the way they protect the President of the United States!
Eagle: What's a President and what are the United States?
Drake: Well, they're-
Jess: Bombers are attacking the Landers!
Eagle: Don't worry. In every cartoon I've seen, ours is always the last to be attacked. So, all we have to do is wait for the others to be destroyed, and then we'll be miraculously rescued.
After all the other Landers are destroyed...
Drake: Hey! The Bombers are retreating! And there's land ahead!
Eagle: Aha! Just as I thought! The Bombers ran out of fuel and retreated!
Jess: Really? Then you sure did a great imitation of crying like a puppy back there.
Eagle: I'd reprimand you, except for the fact that we need to figure out where we've landed.
Jess: It's Blue Moon!
Eagle: How'd you know?
Jess points to a sign that says Welcome to Blue Moon!
Eagle: Oh well. Maybe we can get some help from Olaf. No, scratch that. Olaf probably needs help himself.
bHave I run out of questions to ask? Will I think of more next time? Why am I asking THESE kind of questions? Find out next time, in Advance Wars 2.5!/b
iAdvance Wars 2.5, Part 6/i
Last episode, Eagle, Jess, and Drake managed to make it to Blue Moon. Let's check on Sturm...
Sturm: Is it just me, or is this quicksand working really slowly?
Lash: I'll say! It's been more than 2 episodes since we've even appeared, and we have barely sunk any deeper!
Sturm: There's only one thing to do!
Hawke: What?
Sturm: Steal the script and rewrite it!
Hawke: ...
Sturm: What?
Hawke: That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard! But I'm desperate, so I'll try it.
Flak: Wait a minute, that won't work.
Hawke: Where'd you come from?
Adder: We were still on strike, but we came to see if we would be getting better parts, and we fell into this quicksand.
Sturm: In any case, that script idea is great! Wait a minute...how are we going to get out of the quicksand to do that?
Lash: Good point...
Flak: That's what I was just going to say!
Adder: I know! Let's take all the hot dogs and put them together to make a rope, then use it to get out of here!
Sturm: NOOOOO!!!! Not the hot dogs! Ha! You can't take them away from me! I'll eat them all first!
Many, many, MANY hot dogs later...
Sturm: Ha! I ate all the hot dogs! You'll never use them to free us! Oh no! I'm sinking more rapidly!!
Lash: That's because of your increased weight.
Adder: Well, I took some hot dogs from Sturm, and let's use them to free ourselves.
Sturm: NOOO! LET ME EAT THEM!
Adder: I'll let you eat them after we escape.
Sturm: OK.
Sturm, Adder, Lash, Flak, and Hawke use the hot dog chain as a rope and escape.
Sturm: Let me eat those hot dogs!
Sturm eats all the hot dogs.
Flak: Have you ever seen anything so disgusting?
Adder: Yeah. Once I saw him in a swimsuit.
OK, OK, let's see what's going on with Kanbei...well, he just completely conquered Green Earth-
Kanbei: Black Hole!
Er, yeah, Black Hole. When we last saw Sonja, Kanbei sentenced her to writing I will not question Kanbei, the great, spectacular, brilliant, wise, amazing, strong, genius, popular Emperor of Yellow Comet 10,000 times. Let's see how she's doing...
Sonja: Phew! Finally finished!
Kanbei: Not true! You only wrote it 9,999 times!
Sonja: Okay, I'll write it one more-
Kanbei: NO! For your failure to count, you must remain in the brig until you write it 20,000 times!
Sonja: But...
Kanbie: 30,000!
Sonja: But...
Kanbie: 40,000!!
Sonja: But...
Kanbie: 50,000!
Sonja: I hate you.
Kanbei: Ordinarily I'd say 60,000, but right now I have other things to do.
Anyway, let's check up on Orange Star...they're still sitting on their butts, doing nothing.
Nell: Doing nothing is boring.
Eagle: I'll say!
Nell: What are you doing here?
Eagle: Well, Kanbei thought Green Earth was Black Hole, so he attacked. We managed to evacuate everyone. And by the way, change your signs. It said we were in Blue Moon!
Hachi: Oh. Yes. We forgot to take those down after we repelled Blue Moon's attack.
Speaking of Blue Moon...
Olaf: The Black Hole army managed to free themselves from the quicksand! Someone has to go fight them! And that person should be Andy!
Grit: But Andy isn't even in the Blue Moon army...
Olaf: DON'T QUESTION MY ORDERS! GET HIM IN HERE NOW!
Grit: But...
Olaf: INSUBORDINATION! You'll have to write I will never question Olaf 100,000 times!
Grit takes out a gun and shoots Olaf.
Colin: You killed Commander Olaf!
Grit: Nah, just hit him with a tranquilizer dart. When he wakes up, he won't remember this conversation.
Colin: Brilliant thinking, sir! So brilliant...
Colin grabs Grit's gun and shoots him with it, and Grit falls asleep.
Colin: Oh, now I don't have anything to do without those two.
Colin shoots himself with the gun and falls asleep.
One hour later...
Olaf: Oh...what happened? Did I fall asleep? Grit must've been telling me all about the Orange Star army in nauseating detail. No wait, Grit's asleep also. No, wait, he's waking up.
Grit: Ow...what happened?
Colin: I don't know. I forgot.
Olaf: I remember! We need to attack the Black Hole army!
Olaf discovers that he, Grit, and Colin are all surrounded by Black Hole soldiers pointing guns at them.
Olaf: Uh-oh.
Sturm: I want revenge on Colin for the false information he gave me!
Lord Seth walks in.
Sturm: Who are you?
Lord Seth: I'm Lord Seth, who else?
Sturm: Wait...you really ARE a CO in the Blue Moon army?
Lord Seth: Of course!
Sturm: KILL HIM!
The Black Hole army shoots at Lord Seth and all the bullets harmlessly bounce off.
Sturm: What?
Lord Seth: Being immortal and invincible has its benefits!
Sturm: I bet he's not really invincible! GET HIM!
Sturm's troops try to attack Lord Seth but he disappears.
Sturm: Drat. And we used up all our ammunition.
Colin: So you'll let us go?
Sturm: Never! KNOCK THEM OUT AND TAKE THEM PRISONER!
Olaf: Where is Lord Seth now anyway?
Colin: I don't know. He only shows up when you really, really need him.
Grit: And we don't need him now?
bWho is Lord Seth, is he really immortal and invincible, will he appear again, will Sonja ever get out of the brig, and what is it with Sturm and hot dogs? Find out next time on Advance Wars 2.5!/b
iAdvance Wars 2.5, Part 7/i
Last time on Advance Wars 2.5, Colin, Grit, and Olaf were captured by the Black Hole forces, and Lord Seth made a brief appearance.
Nintendo Executive: I demand you free the prisoners at once!
Sturm: Why?
Nintendo Executive: Because if you don't, we'll delete you as a character!
Sturm: You can't do that!
Nintendo Executive: Oh yes we can!
Sturm disappears for one minute, then reappears.
Nintendo Executive: Now free them!
Sturm: Fine *grumble* Stupid Nintendo...
Sturm frees Colin, Olaf, and Grit.
Nintendo Executive: Oh well. Now it's off to force Bowser to let Peach go!
The Nintendo Executive tries to leave in a dramatic fashion, but trips and lands on his face.
Nintendo Executive: I'm suing!
Grit: Man, that must have been the dumbest escape ever.
Um, well, yeah. Anyway, Kanbei has conquered Green Ear...er, I mean Black Hole, and has sent half of his army back to Yellow Comet to keep it safe. Unfortunately...
Sensei: Who put me in charge of this anyway?
Soldier: These orders come directly from the top.
Sensei: Kanbei?
Soldier: Some guy named Lord Seth.
Sensei: Ah.
Unfortunately, Yellow Comet has been conquered by Orange Star in the meantime (guess they got tired of sitting on their butts, doing nothing). Let's see what the Orange Star COs are up to...probably a lot of really important stuff.
Max: Got any 3's?
Andy: Go fish.
Max leaves. He returns a few minutes later with a fish.
Max: Ha! Top that!
Andy: Got any 4's?
Max: Go fish.
Andy leaves, and returns with an even bigger fish.
Max: Drat.
Andy: You lost, so that means you have to do my bidding for 24 hours! First, clean my room. Then take over all my CO duties.
Max: I'm not playing Go Fish with you again.
Okay, forget what I said about really important stuff. Anyway, let's check back at Green...sorry, Black Hole.
Kanbei: What? The enemy has seized control of Yellow Comet?
Sensei: Unfortunately, yes. Wait...what's Yellow Comet again?
Kanbei: Did you take your memory pills today?
Sensei: I would've, but I forgot where they were!
Kanbei: That has got to be the most overused joke ever!
Sensei: No, the most overused one was the one about the chicken crossing the road. Incidentally, why DID it cross the road?
Kanbei: It is just one of the many mysteries of the universe.
Sensei: You mean like how the remote control always vanishes?
Kanbei: Exactly!
Sensei: Speaking of which, where is the remote control? I want to change the channel!
Sensei spends 1 hour straight looking for the remote.
Kanbei: You know, you can just go up to the TV and switch it...
Sensei: No. Too much work.
Kanbei collapses (you know, like they always do on animes?)
All right, all right now let's get back to Black Hole (the REAL Black Hole)...
Sturm: Not only did we fail to conquer Blue Moon, but we didn't get all the hot dogs I wanted! Let's conquer someplace else. I know! Let's conquer Black Hole!
Lash: We can't conquer ourselves!
Sturm: DON'T QUESTION MY ORDERS! DO IT!
bHow can Black Hole conquer itself? Will Sensei ever find the remote? Will Green Earth ever get their country back? Will Yellow Comet ever get THEIR country back? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5!/b
iAdvance Wars 2.5, Part 8/i
In our previous episode...a lot of stuff happened. Most of it had to do with conquering.
In the brig of one of the Yellow Comet's Battleships...
Sonja: Phew! It took forever, but I finally managed to write I will not question Kanbei, the great, spectacular, brilliant, wise, amazing, strong, genius, popular Emperor of Yellow Comet all those times. Maybe I can come out now. Hello? Anyone out there? Hello? Hello?
Meanwhile, on another Battleship...
Kanbei: Uh-oh! That Battleship's anchor came loose and it's floating away. What should we do?
Sensei: Who cares? No one's on it.
Kanbei: Good point.
On said Battleship...
Sonja: Hello? Hello? Anyone there? Hello? Anyone?
In Black Hole...
Sturm: Are you done conquering Black Hole?
Flak: I have a better idea! Let's conquer Orange Star! They sent their whole army to conquer Yellow Comet.
Sturm: Excellent idea. I'm so happy Hawke thought of it.
A short while later...
Adder: Dang. We can't conquer Orange Star.
Hawke: Why?
Adder: Because Blue Moon conquered it.
Sturm: Then let's conquer Blue Moon! SEND THE ENTIRE ARMY!!!
So Black Hole goes and conquers Blue Moon.
Meanwhile...
Eagle: Well, Yellow Comet conquered Green Earth. And Orange Star conquered Yellow Comet. And Blue Moon conquered Orange Star. And Black Hole conquered Blue Moon. Let's go and conquer Black Hole.
Drake: But our army was destroyed, remember?
Eagle: Who cares? We'll just make a NEW army. I mean, how long could that take?
1 year later...
Eagle: Phew! We're finally 1/100 done.
Drake: Oh, forget it. Black Hole is vulnerable without its army, so let's go conquer it.
So Green Earth conquers Black Hole, which conquered Blue Moon, which conquered Orange Star, which conquered Yellow Comet, which conquered Green Earth.
Colin: OK, OK, at one point this was funny, but right now it's just stupid.
Olaf: Good point. Let's just go back to Blue Moon and take it back.
Meanwhile, in Blue Moon...
Sturm: Let's go back to Black Hole. I don't like the fact Green Earth is in control of it.
In Black Hole...
Eagle: I don't like Black Hole. It's too black. Let's return to Green Earth.
Well, you can probably figure out the rest. All the armies return to their home countries and celebrate for absolutely no reason.
Drake: Great news, Eagle! We're now 2/100 done with the new army!
Kanbei: Sorry about thinking you were Black Hole. No hard feelings?
Drake: You destroyed our entire army and nearly killed us! You think we'll forgive you?!
Kanbei: Well...
Drake: Well, we do!
Kanbei: Thanks! But I keep getting the strange feeling that I'm forgetting something...
Out in the middle of the sea, in the brig of a Battleship...
Sonja: Hello? Anyone there? Can anyone hear me? HELP!!!
Anyway, we need to keep this story going, so let's see what Lash is up to.
Lash: Mwahahaha! With this super-strong laser, I'll be able to take command of the Black Hole army, and then the world! Wait a minute...I need Chaos Emeralds to use it? Where'd this come from anyway? *rummages around some* Oh, wait, this was the laser from Sonic Adventure 2? Drats. Oh well, I'm certain I can get an alternative source of energy.
Later...
1,000,000,000 hamsters are all running on wheels, supplying power to the laser.
Lash: Yes! Yes! Now I can conquer Black Hole! Wait, which button shoots anyway?
Lash pushes the red button, then the blue button. The red button points the laser toward her, and the blue button fires it. Lash is disintegrated.
Adder: I wonder what this cannon is for?
Adder presses the blue button and is disintegrated.
Adder: Nuts.
Lash(?!) comes in.
Lash clone: Mwahahaha! Now that I've finished off the original Lash, I can take her place! And no one will suspect a thing! Well, no need for this laser anymore. Maybe I'll sell it on eBay.
Sturm: Lash, where's Adder?
Lash (really the clone): Disintegrated into a pile of ashes?
Sturm: Well, tell me if you see him.
Orange Star...
Andy: Woohoo! I won a giant laser off eBay! Well, there's still half a minute to go, but what are the chances someone will outbid me?
Meanwhile...
Colin: That laser is mine! *Enters a higher bid than Andy's* Ha! Now I own the giant laser and can do what I want with it!
Grit: What are you going to do with it?
Colin: Probably nothing. I just wanted to outbid Andy.
Speaking of Andy...
Andy: WHAT?! Colin outbid me! From this day forward, I will not stop until I have brought horrible revenge upon him!
bWill Andy get revenge on Colin? Can this story get any more pointless and idiotic? Why do I always ask such silly questions? In case you're even interested in this anymore, tune in next time for Advance Wars 2.5!/b
iAdvance Wars 2.5, Part 9/i
In our last episode, Colin outbid Andy on a giant laser on eBay, and Andy swore bloody revenge.
Andy: INVADE BLUE MOON!!!
Nell: We can't just go and invade Blue Moon! We need a good reason!
Andy: Colin outbid me on eBay!
Nell: Now THERE's a reason! ATTACK!!!
The Orange Star army tries to attack Blue Moon but are fried by Colin's giant laser. Nell, Max, Sami, and Andy are all taken prisoner.
Andy: Don't worry. We'll be rescued soon somehow.
1 year later...
Andy: I hate being wrong.
In Yellow Comet...
Sensei: The last year really went by, didn't it?
Kanbei: I'll say! It felt like only a few seconds! Hey, where's Sonja anyway?
In the brig of an abandoned Battleship 10,000 miles from anyone...
Sonja: I hate my life.
Back in Yellow Comet...
Kanbei: Oh well. I'm certain she'll turn up soon. I mean, it's not like we haven't seen her for over 2 years, right?
Sensei: Don't ask me. I have a bad memory.
Kanbei: I know.
Sensei: Wait...what were we talking about again?
-Orange Star-
Hachi: So I'm now leader of Orange Star? Cool!
Soldier: Now, sir, being leader is a very big responsibility-
Hachi: I declare myself president-for-life! And I'm abolishing Congress and the Supreme Court!
Soldier: We don't HAVE a Congress or a Supreme Court!
Hachi: That's besides the point! I'm President-for-life until I'm dead!
Soldier: That can be arranged...*shoots Hachi*
Citizen: Down with the tyrant! Now we're going to form our own, democratically elected government! Down with King George III!
Citizen 2: Who's King George III?
Citizen 1: Enh.
-Black Hole-
Sturm: Where IS Adder? He's been missing for a while.
Lash: Don't ask me.
Sturm: You can make clones, right?
Lash: Yes...
Sturm: Then make me an Adder clone!
Lash: Coming right up, sir! It'll be a perfect copy! It won't be like that Colin clone I made earlier! You won't even be able to tell the difference between this and the real Adder!
(One hour later)
Adder clone: Why do I have such large blanks in my memory...I can't remember anything that happened for the last year!
Sturm: Hmmm...let's see if you're just like the real Adder.
(A short time later)
Sturm: So you hate Flak, Lash, Hawke, and me, and you're planning to kill me, right?
Adder: Yep.
Sturm: Great job, Lash! Unfortunately, this Adder seems a bit too truthful. Can you make another one a little more deceitful?
Lash: Can do! *takes out a gun and shoots Adder with it, and he turns to ash*
(A short time later)
Lash: What do you think of THIS Adder?
Adder: Adder? I'm not Adder. My name is Vapor.
Sturm: Too deceitful! Find one between the two!
Lash: Okay, okay... *turns this Adder into ash also*
bWill Lash ever find an Adder just like the one? What will Orange Star be like in a democracy? Will the Orange Star COs ever be freed? Find out next time, on the next increasingly pointless episode of Advance Wars 2.5!/b
iAdvance Wars 2.5, Part 10/i
In our previous episode, Lash tried to make an Adder clone to replace the now-disintegrated Adder. But, unfortunately, she seems to be having a little trouble on how deceitful he is...
Lash: How's this one?
Sturm: Too truthful. Next!
Lash whips out a raygun and hits the Adder clone with it, turning him into dust.
Lash: This one?
Sturm: Too deceitful! Next!
MANY Adders later...
Sturm: Perfect! I'll take him!
Lash: Any more clones you want? My cloning is now fine-tuned perfectly!
Sturm: No. But I'll tell you if I want one.
Sturm leaves.
Lash: Little does he know that I'm really a clone of Lash, and I've killed the real Lash...mwahahahaha! It's only a matter of time until I replace them all with clones...I think I'll try Hachi next...
Meanwhile in Orange Star...
Newsperson: Chaos in the streets! Anarchy reigns! Hachi resumes control! Wait, I thought you were dead.
Hachi: You can't believe how good I am at faking death. Okay, I'm leader of Orange Star again now.
Newsperson: So, what do you plan to do?
Hachi: Being leader is boring! I'm going to get the other COs back.
Another Hachi comes in.
Newsperson: Which is the real Hachi?
Hachi: I am, and I'll prove it! Here's a fun tip: Whenever a clone dies, they turn to ash. So...
Hachi shoots the clone and he turns to ash.
Hachi: Now to liberate Andy, Max, Sami, and Nell! As soon as I take a nap. Zzzzzzzzzz...
Meanwhile in Blue Moon...
Grit: I've got bad news! Clones of all sorts of important people have been showing up lately!
Colin: So? That's a bad thing?
Grit: Hey, I bet you're a clone! *shoots Colin and Colin turns to ash*
Olaf: Great job. Now we just need to find the real Colin.
Grit: Wait, how do I know you're not a clone?
Olaf: Well, you could shoot me...
Grit: Great idea!
Olaf: No! No! Bad idea!
Grit: Let's see...I saw this on a TV show once. To find out if someone is a clone, you have to get a weird fish and cast a spell on it and chant some weird thing...nah, too complicated. There's got to be a better way...
bWill Grit find a way to tell the difference from a clone and a real person? Will Lash's evil plan to take over the world with clones succeed? Find out next time on Advance Wars 2.5 II: Attack of the Clones! And THIS time, it's personal!/b
