iAdvance Wars 2.5 V, Part 1/i

A massive blackout erased all data in electronics last time. But we've managed to rebuild with the help of UnErase and Volume Recoverer, a part of Norton Utilities and Norton SystemWorks, from the fine people who brought you Norton AntiVirus. This has been a paid advertisement courtesy of Symantec.

-Black Hole-

Sturm: Mwahaha! THIS time I can't loose!

Lash: That's 'lose'.

Sturm: OH. THIS time I can lose!

Lash: That's 'can't lose'.

Sturm: THIS time I can't not lose.

Lash: That's a double negative, which means you're saying you can lose. It should be 'I can't lose'.

Sturm: Grrrr...this time I can't lose!

Lash: Sorry, the microphone wasn't on. Could you repeat that?

Smoke starts coming out of Sturm.

Lash: Uh-oh.

Sturm chases Lash around the room.

Sturm: When I catch you, I'm going to pound you and stomp you and hit you and kick you and squash you and jolt you and swat you and maim you and maul you and destroy you and whack you and strike you and do really nasty things to you!

Lash: That's a rambling sentence, Sturm.

Sturm: Shut up. Um, why aren't I moving?

Lash: You're stuck in my glue trap.

Sturm: Uh-oh.

Lash pounds, stomps, hits, kicks, jolts, swats, maims, mauls, destroys, whacks, strikes and does really nasty things to Sturm.

Lord Seth: You left out squash.

Lash: Good point.

Sturm: I hate you.

Lash pounds, stomps, hits, kicks, squashes, jolts, swats, maims, mauls, destroys, whacks, strikes and does really nasty things to Sturm.

Sturm: I think I'll have to put my plans on hold...at least until I stop being dead...

-Green Earth- (some time later)

Drake: I've got bad news.

Eagle: What?

Drake: Black Hole is launching a massive attack on every single country.

Eagle: How massive?

Drake: On the force attacking Green Earth alone, they have 1 million Infantries, 1/2 million Mechs, 1/3 million Recons, 1/4 million Transport Copters, 1/5 million APCs, 1/6 million Artilleries, 1/7 million Tanks, 1/8 million Anti-Airs, 1/9 million Battle Copters, 1/10 million Landers, 1/11 million Missiles, 1/12 million Rockets...

Some time later...

Drake: 1/18 million Bombers, and 1/19 million Battleships.

Eagle: You COUNTED them?

Drake: Yes.

Eagle: You really need a life. Well, rally the troops! Defend Green Earth!

The Green Earth army attacks and is demolished.

Eagle: Uh-oh.

Jess: Wasn't this from Season 1?

Drake: How about we ask for help from the other countries?

Eagle: Great idea! I always come up with great ones, don't I?

Drake: *grumble*

Soldier: Bad news, sir! The other countries' armies are in really bad shape! They can't help us!

Jess: I guess we're doomed, then.

Drake: C'mon! Think positively!

Jess: Fine. After capturing us (assuming they don't kill us first), if we're incredibly lucky, maybe they won't kill us immediately.

Drake: That's the spirit!

Jess: Oh drats, now they're almost right outside our window. No wait, they are.

Eagle: Is this the end?!

bActually, it is! Of this part, anyway. To find out of it's the end of Green Earth or the rest of Wars World, though, tune in next time to Advance Wars 2.5 V!/b

iAdvance Wars 2.5 V, Part 2/i

Last time Black Hole launched a massive attack on all of the countries and obliterated Green Earth's army. Oh, and did I mention the Green Earth COs are all surrounded?

-Green Earth-

Eagle: Oh great. Now we're doomed.

Sturm: ATTACK!

The tanks all fire at the COs, but the COs duck and the tanks hit each other.

Sturm: That must be the oldest trick in the book!

Hawke: It is.

Hawke pulls out a book called "The Book". On the first page is a picture labeled "Oldest Trick" and has a picture of tanks hitting each other while Eagle, Jess, and Drake duck.

Sturm: Grrrr...NO MATTER! My Bombers will destroy you!

Drake: Don't worry, I bet we'll be miraculously rescued again.

The Bombers bomb Drake, Eagle, and Jess and kill them all.

Drake: Nuts.

Sturm: Yes! Yes! Green Earth is finally ours! I wonder how the other countries are doing.

-Blue Moon-

Olaf: Well, Colin, you've made a remarkable recovery! You only have one layer of bandages left!

Colin: And how long until they're taken off?

Olaf: The doctors say it could be anywhere from a day to a year.

Colin: Well, what's YOUR best guess?

Olaf: 2000 years.

Colin: *sigh*

Grit: Bad news. The Black Hole army is attacking.

Olaf: Who are they being led by?

Grit: I don't know the name, it's that really annoying little girl.

Olaf: Oh, Lash.

Grit: That's her name.

Lash (outside): In the name of Lord Sturm, I demand that you unconditionally surrender immediately! Or you can just give us all your hot dogs.

Colin: THAT joke hasn't been done for a while.

Olaf: Never! We shall never hand over all our hot dogs!

Lash: Okay. Kill them.

Olaf: Um...can I reconsider?

Lash: Sure!

Colin: Well, that's not normal. Usually the bad guys refuse to negotiate after you refuse.

Lash: Good point. KILL THEM ALL!

Olaf: If we don't survive this, Colin, I'm going to kill you.

Lash: DESTROY THEM!!!!

Soldier: We can't.

Lash: Why?

Soldier: Someone seems to have filled all of our tanks' cannons with hot dogs.

Lash: Who would do that?

Grit suddenly stands straight and starts whistling a tune.

Lash: Oh come on. Who thinks I'm dumb enough to fall for that?

Everyone suddenly stands straight and starts whistling a tune.

Lash: Well, then use the Bombers!

Soldier: No good, either! The bombs have been replaced with giant hot dogs!

Lash: Grrrr...I wish Sturm would store his hot dogs in better places. Oh well. I have a good idea.

The tanks all shoot the hot dogs out and all the Blue Moon soldiers eat them. Soon they're too fat to move.

Grit: Wasn't this an Evil Con Carne episode?

Lash: Now, OPEN FIRE ON THE COs!

Soldier: We can't. We used up all our gunpowder on the hot dogs.

Lash: Well, just TIE THEM UP!

Soldier: Brilliant! We never would have thought of that!

bHow will the Blue Moon COs escape? What's going to happen to Green Earth? What's happening in the other countries? Tune in next time to Advance Wars 2.5 V!/b

iAdvance Wars 2.5 V, Part 3/i

Previously, all the Green Earth COs were killed and all the Blue Moon COs were taken captive. Let's see what's happening in Yellow Comet and Orange Star...

-Yellow Comet-

Kanbei: Black Hole is invading.

Sensei: Are they being led by Adder?

Kanbei stares at Sensei.

Sensei: What?

Kanbei: You remembered something!

Sensei: I did?

Kanbei: Yes!

Sensei: What did I remember?

Kanbei: *sigh* Could you please cut to someplace else? Please?

-Orange Star-

Hachi: Now for my latest money-making scheme! It's easy: Bring out toys that hypnotize people into buying them. More toys sold, more money for me!

Employee: I have bad news, sir. The workers intend to strike unless you raise their wages.

Hachi: How much?

Employee: Well, you're paying them 30¢ an hour...they want a nickel increase, which makes it 35¢ an hour.

Hachi: 35¢?! I was decent enough to pay them more than the 22¢ an hour I wanted to pay them, and this is how they repay me?

Employee: Well, they're going to go on strike if you don't listen to their demands. What will you do?

Hachi: What the monopolists in the United States did: Hire new workers!

Employee: What are monopolists and what is the United States?

Hachi: Oh no you don't. I'm not going to repeat that joke again.

Some time later...

Employee: Bad news, sir! No one will take the jobs at the price you're paying them.

Hachi: Oh well. How long can this strike last anyway?

Employee: I'm not sure we want to find out, sir.

Employee 2: Bad news! Black Hole is attacking!

Hachi: Fortify the defenses against the mauraderers!

The employees stare blankly at Hachi.

Hachi: Press the blue button.

Employee: Oh.

The Employee presses the blue button, and a shield goes up around Hachi's tower.

Hachi: Now let's see if those workers are enjoying their strike NOW...

Workers (outside): AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Hachi: I love being powerful.

-Yellow Comet-

Kanbei: They're back to us! Quick, do something!

Sensei: Okay.

Sensei goes out and destroys all of the Black Hole forces invading Yellow Comet using a machine gun. He then comes back in.

Sensei: How was that?

Kanbei: What's that thing you're supposed to say when you can't think of anything to say?

Lord Seth: It was either "supercalifragilisticexpealidocious" or "..."

Kanbei: Supercalifragilisticexpealidocious. Uh-oh.

Kanbei passes out from lack of breathing.

Sensei: Where's this fake corpse come from anyway? Oh well, might as well throw it out.

Sensei throws Kanbei into the trash.

Sensei: What was I doing again? Oh yeah, I was emptying the trash!

Sensei empties the trash and Kanbei wakes up.

Kanbei: I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!

Kanbei starts chasing Sensei around.

-Orange Star-

Nell: What's the status report?

Andy: I love it when you sound all professional.

Nell: Well, what is it?!

Sami: Green Earth has been conquered and its COs are dead, Blue Moon has been conquered and its COs are captured, Yellow Comet has repelled the Black Hole army, and we're fighting the Black Hole army.

Max: So what do we do?

Nell: How about we PULVERIZE THE @!#%@# OUT OF THEM?!

Max: Hey! That's my line!

Nell: Okay, okay.

Max: How about we PULVERIZE THE @!#%@# OUT OF THEM?!

bWill Orange Star pulverize the...um, you-know-what out of the Black Hole army? What's going to happen to the captured Blue Moon COs? Will Hachi give his workers a raise? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5 V!/b

iAdvance Wars 2.5 V, Part 4/i

Previously, Sensei single-handedly destroyed the Black Hole army that was attacking Yellow Comet, and Orange Star did a lot of pointless things.

-Orange Star-

Nell: ATTACK!

Andy: Why can't you attack?

Nell: Haven't you been paying attention? I never actually fight in a Campaign.

Andy: That does make sense in its own bizarre way...

Max: Well, I just destroyed 1/5 of the army attacking Orange Star.

Andy: How?

Max: Believe it or not, it was made out of cardboard!

Flak (outside): No, it was made out of wood! Not cardboard!

Max: Cardboard!

Flak: Wood!

Max: Cardboard!

Flak: Wood!

Max: Wood!

Flak: Cardboard!

Max: You admit it! It was cardboard!

Flak: I'm no match for your logic! *cries and runs away*

Nell: Well, let's CRUSH THE REST OF THEM!!!

The Orange Star army attacks and is crushed.

Nell: Drat.

Max: Is there any way to stop them?

A meteor hits Wars World and, by pure coincidence, wreaks havoc only on the Black Hole army in Orange Star. No, really! We're not making this up!

-Blue Moon-

Lash: All right, you're going to tell me EVERYTHING!

Colin: Okay, okay! This is Part 4 of Season 5. Lord Seth is the author of this story. Your name is Lash. My name is Colin. The names of the other Blue Moon COs are Olaf and Grit. The names of-

Lash (with Colin still rambling on): I REALLY need to phrase my questions better.

-Green Earth-

Hawke: Well, we have completed our conquest of Green Earth.

Eagle stabs Hawke in the back. Hawke is killed.

Sturm: What? I thought you were dead!

Eagle: You'd be amazed what band-aids can do these days!

Sturm: That's my cue to get out of here. *runs away really quickly*

Eagle: Cut to someplace else already!

-Yellow Comet-

Kanbei: Today is a very important day.

Sensei: Why?

Kanbei: I thought YOU knew!

Sensei: I thought you did!

Kanbei: Maybe Sonja knows. Where is she?

Sensei: I don't know.

Meanwhile, in a prison cell in the dungeon...

Sonja: Now I know what Dib felt like in that episode of Invader Zim...

The rabid monkey continues bonking Sonja on the head.

Sonja: Ever notice Lord Seth has a thing for borrowing-

Lord Seth: Yes.

-Blue Moon-

Colin: ...and that's everything.

Lash: Somewhere in that drivel there must have been something useful, but I wasn't paying attention.

Colin: So I don't have to tell you anything?

Lash: Yes.

Colin: Wait, do you mean "yes, I don't have to tell you anything" or "yes, I do have to, and I'm saying yes because saying no would mean I don't have to, so logically saying yes would mean-

Lash: SHUT UP! I'll get information from Olaf instead.

Olaf: Well, I do know all about Blue Moon's army. I'm the head of it, you know!

Lash: Fine. Tell me everything you know.

Olaf: ...

Lash: WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

Olaf: I just told you: ...

Lash: Okay...how about you, Grit?

Grit: You won't get to me! I'll never tell you that we've secretly been developing a bomb that explodes by breaking atoms in two and using their energy!

Lash: You just did.

Grit: Oops. (heh, heh, I just made that up. It's just science fiction, so they'll waste time building something that won't work at all)

bWill Black Hole's resources be sapped in trying to create an 'impossible' bomb? Will the Blue Moon COs be rescued? Is there any point to these questions? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5 V!/b

iAdvance Wars 2.5 V, Part 5/i

Previously, Grit told Lash that Blue Moon was secretly creating a new type of bomb in the hopes that Black Hole would attempt to create the bomb but would fail because Grit thought it was impossible to and thus sap its resources and energies.

-Black Hole-

Sturm: All right Lash, are the plans ready?

Lash: Yes, Lord Sturm! Now all we need to do is find some atoms!

Sturm: Good point. Where are we going to find atoms?

Lash: That's a toughie. How about we try the Atom Delivery Service?

Sturm: Excellent idea! Let's look them up in the phone book. Let's see...it says they promise speedy delivery, and-

The Atom Delivery van screeches to a halt next to Sturm and Lash.

Sturm: ...

Lash: ...

Atom Delivery Guy: Isn't technology great? Anyway, here are the atoms you ordered.

Sturm: Fine. Just charge the bill to Black Hole.

Atom Delivery Man: Sure thing! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have several billion quarks to deliver. *drives off in the car*

Sturm: Now begin the research!

Lash: This might take a while, though...

Sturm: How long?

Lash: About half a season. Check back in Part 10.

Sturm: Okay, but I expect to see results!

Lash: So what do we do with the Blue Moon COs?

Sturm: Let them go.

Lash: Why?

Sturm: Have you SEEN how much money we have to spend on their expenses?!

Lash: How much?

Sturm: Let's see...10,000 for cable, 50,000 for food for Colin, 10,000 for food for Grit, 100,000 for food for Olaf, 15,000 for books, and 1,000,000 for some thing they're building called "The Unlocker".

Lash: Why don't you just refuse to give them their luxuries?

Sturm: You know, that never occurred to me.

Lash: So there's no need to let them go.

Sturm: Actually, I already did.

Lash: Drat.

Meanwhile...

Grit: Are you sure Sturm letting us go isn't some kind of trap?

Olaf: Don't worry. I'm sure we can trust him.

Colin: TRUST HIM?! Didn't he kill us all?!

Olaf: You sure? I thought that was just because the planet blew up.

Colin: Oh.

Grit: In any case, could we just get back to Blue Moon already?

Colin: While we were talking, we already walked there.

Grit: But Black Hole isn't connected to Blue Moon! It isn't possible to walk from there to here!

Olaf: Well, a lot of things have happened that should be considered impossible, but they've still happened.

-Orange Star-

Nell: Well, it looks like the only countries that have to worry about Black Hole's advances are Blue Moon and Green Earth. No, wait, we don't have to worry about Blue Moon anymore, we just found out they won.

Andy: Notice that it doesn't actually show them winning, we only find out indirectly?

Max: Isn't that the cue to cut to another-

Meanwhile...

Eagle is running after Hawke.

Hawke: Okay, okay, I surrender! Just stop CHASING ME!

Eagle: Whoever would have guessed that Hawke's biggest fear was of being chased?

Lord Seth: I would. That's why I told you.

Sturm: Um, Hawke?

Hawke: Yes?

Sturm: Try standing still. Then he can't chase you.

Hawke: Great idea! *stops moving, and Eagle collides with him, causing both of them to go flying*

Lord Seth: How the heck did you get to Black Hole from here and then back again so quickly?

Sturm: Internet.

Lord Seth: But how could...nevermind.

Hawke comes back.

Sturm: Wait, Hawke, didn't you die?

Hawke: You won't believe what band-aids can cure these days!

Sturm: Oh.

Hawke: Oh, but I have bad news, Sturm! All of our units have retreated to Black Hole!

Sturm: WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT?! We were winning!

Hawke: The orders came from you!

Sturm: I didn't give any orders to retreat!

Hawke: Then...who did?

bWho gave the order? Is this the end of Black Hole's current ambitious plan to take over Wars World? Will Lash succeed in creating the Ultra-Bomb 3000 (her name for it)? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5 V!/b

iAdvance Wars 2.5 V, Part 6i

A long time ago, in a galaxy far away...er, sorry, wrong story. Let's see, what story is this? Mystery Science Theater 4000? No. A Test of Wills? No. Space Battles? No. Smithy's Successor? No. Who can tell me what this story is named?

Lord Seth: *sigh* Must I do everything?

EVERYTHING?! I'll have you know we narrators work very hard!

Lord Seth: The story is Advance Wars 2.5!

Fine, fine. Anyway, previously the Black Hole army retreated to Black Hole. And Sturm wants to know where the orders came from...

Sturm: WHO GAVE THE ORDERS TO RETREAT?!

Hawke: You don't have to yell. I'm right next to you.

Sturm: Fine. I want a full inquiry into where those orders came from, typed up in triplicate and on my desk by 1530 hours tomorrow.

Hawke stares at Sturm.

Sturm: What?

Hawke: You actually sounded like someone in the military!

Sturm: I did?

Hawke: Yes.

Sturm: Must have been a mistake. Anyway, FIND OUT THE DARN CULPRIT AND TELL ME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!

Hawke: That sounds more like you.

At 1530 hours...

Hawke: Well, here's the memo you requested.

Sturm: You don't have to sound all professional, Hawke.

Hawke: Okay.

Sturm: Fine. You can go.

Hawke leaves.

Sturm: Let's see...the orders to some of the soldiers came from him, and he said those orders were given to him from...WHAT?! THIS CAN'T BE RIGHT! HE COULDN'T HAVE GIVEN THOSE ORDERS! SOMEONE GET IN HERE!

A random soldier wanders in.

Sturm: You're promoted! Now go and give this encoded message to Hawke, Lash, Flak, and Adder.

Soldier: Sir, it's only written backwards. Anyone can read it.

Sturm: I don't care! Just deliver it, former-private-now-lieutenant whatever your name is!

bWho is the mystery person that gave the orders? Why can't Sturm believe who it is? To find out, keep reading Advance Wars 2.5 V!/b

Some time later...

Adder: Hmmm. So Sturm is asking us to send all our armies just to capture this one person? Strange. Oh well, an order's an order.

Soldier: That doesn't sound like you. You usually aren't so...obedient.

Adder: It seems a lot of people don't sound like themselves lately. Oh well, let's go and find this person and capture them. Maybe Sturm will promote me!

Soldier: But sir, the only person above you other than Sturm in rank is Hawke!

Adder: That's the point!

Meanwhile...

Lash: I'm supposed to go and trap this person? But I'm in the middle of working on the Ultra-Bomb 3000!

Scientist: I thought it was called the 'Atom Bomb'. You know, because the theory is that by splitting atoms we can make enough energy to deal a lot of damage.

Lash: You can nickname it whatever you want, but the official name is the Ultra-Bomb 3000! How are we coming along on it?

Scientist: We've made some amazing progress. We now have actually learned how to split atoms!

Lash: Good. Keep working. I have to help out Sturm. You're in charge until I get back. And you're in big trouble if you screw up somehow!

Scientist: Don't worry. I'll keep in on track.

The scientist points to a toy train on tracks.

Lash: Fine. I'll be back in under a few weeks.

Lash leaves.

Sturm: All right. Everything is in place. Now we just need to spring the trap.

-Blue Moon-

Olaf: Well Colin, all the bandages are off, and you're almost as good as new. Almost.

Colin: So how long do I have to go around with this crutch?

Olaf: Oh, I don't know.

Grit: Am I the only one that noticed we're only in here to prevent this entire episode from being only about Black Hole?

Olaf: Yes.

Colin: No.

Grit: *sigh*

bDid anyone else notice what Grit noticed? Who is the mysterious person? Will Lash perfect the Ultra-Bomb 3000? Did anyone notice this episode was only for building suspense? Do I have too many questions? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5 V! /b

iAdvance Wars 2.5 V, Part 7/i

Previously, Sturm ordered an enormous army advance with one objective: to capture the individual who gave his armies the false orders to retreat from Green Earth to Black Hole. Talk about overkill!

Sturm: All units prepare to capture the enemy! If we're careful, we may be able to catch our enemy unaware!

Hawke: Wouldn't we have a better chance if you didn't use that megaphone?

Sturm (using the megaphone): I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. Could you speak up?

Hawke: STOP USING THAT MEGAPHONE! IT'S BAD TO MAKE SO MUCH NOISE!

Sturm (still using the megaphone): What?

Adder: Wasn't this a Jurassic Park episode?

Sturm: Well, just ATTACK!

The army surrounds the house. A tired-looking Lord Seth comes out.

Sturm: All right, Lord Seth, you can come quietly. I know you gave the fake orders!

Lord Seth: I was just trying to advance the plot!

Sturm: Too bad! TAKE HIM AWAY!

The soldiers try to drag Lord Seth away but an invisible forcefield prevents them from touching him.

Sturm: WHAT?!

Lord Seth: Being the author has its benefits!

-Blue Moon-

Grit: Well, I guess we have to think of something to do.

Olaf: What do you mean?

Grit: Well, we're on, and we need to be DOING something. Besides, this sitting around annoys me.

Olaf: We have to sit around. Someone glued us to our chairs.

Colin: I wonder who did.

Meanwhile...

Soldier: Mwahahaha! With the COs incapacitated because of the glue I used, I will take control of Blue Moon's army!

Soldier 2: No! I will! *shoots Soldier 1*

Soldier 1: Ow! My spleen!

Soldier 2: Now I am the leader of the Blue Moon army!

Soldier 3: No! I am! *shoots Soldier 2*

Soldier 2: Ow! My stomach lining!

Soldier 3: Now I am the leader of the Blue Moon-

Soldier 4 shoots Soldier 3.

Some time later...

Olaf: Well, we finally got free of those chairs. How's the army doing?

Grit: They've all been shot.

Olaf: Oh well. Nothing a band-aid shouldn't cure!

-Orange Star-

Nell: Spies in the Black Hole army told me that Black Hole is working on an important new weapon.

Andy: What kind of weapon?

Nell: I don't know! You think I'm made of spies?

Max: Oh, don't worry. Odds are the weapon will just blow up when used.

-Yellow Comet-

Kanbei: So everything is back to normal.

Sensei: Well, as normal as it ever gets, anyway.

Kanbei: Quick, say something funny! That's how all of these things are supposed to end before cutting to another place!

Sensei: My cat's breath smells like cat food.

Kanbei: Well, that is a total rip-off, but who cares?

-Black Hole-

Sturm: Well, I guess we won't gain anything here. Let's go back to the base.

Lash: Wait, you mean we organized the entire army to capture Lord Seth and now you're giving up?

Sturm: Good point. KILL HIM!!!

Bombs, shells, bullets, and so on all hit Lord Seth. When the smoke clears, he's gone.

Sturm: Yes! We've killed him! Let's get back to base.

Lash: Well, I guess I'd better get back to working on the Ultra-Bomb 3000.

Flak: That's too long a name. Why don't you call it the Atom Bomb? After all, you're splitting atoms to make it work.

Lash: Oh, come on. A name like that? It'll never catch on.

bWill the name catch on? Is Lord Seth really dead? Where will this story go from here? Tune in next time to Advance Wars 2.5 V!/b

iAdvance Wars 2.5 V, Part 8/i

Previously, Sturm ordered a massive strike on Lord Seth. After some intense firing, he SEEMS to have been killed...

-Black Hole-

Lash: Well, did you screw up too badly in my absence?

Scientist: No.

Lash: Good!

Meanwhile...

Lord Seth: Heh, heh. I bet Sturm actually thinks I'm dead! I'm not dead, just mortally wounded.

Vapor (a friend of Lord Seth): You're not wounded at all!

Lord Seth: Oh yeah. Good point.

Vapor: So, when will you show up in the story again?

Lord Seth: Aren't I right now?

Vapor: Oh yeah. Good point.

-Orange Star-

Employee: Sir, the workers still want their 5 cent raise.

Hachi: Never! I will never increase their wages! Never!

(a pause)

Hachi: Okay, you can raise them.

-Blue Moon-

Grit: Well, it's that time of year again.

Olaf: What time of year?

Grit: Time to pay our taxes.

Olaf: What do you mean? We paid our taxes a year ago!

Grit: We have to do it again.

Olaf: Again?

Grit: Olaf, did you ever get visited by the IRS?

Olaf: You know, come to think of it, every year there were these people who took away a lot of my money because I forgot to do something about maxes.

Grit: Taxes.

Colin: Woohoo! I'm too young to have to pay taxes!

Grit: Hey, isn't that the school bell?

Colin: Okay! Okay! I'll pay taxes!

Grit: No, you made up your mind. Now GET TO SCHOOL OR YOU'RE FIRED!

Colin: *grumble* Stupid...

Colin leaves.

A short time later...

Teacher: Well, I have bad news. It turns out that we've discovered that some students--though we don't know who--have been cheating by using

DO NOT ADJUST YOUR WEB BROWSER. WE ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.

Teacher: ...so we therefore will be taking certain steps to prevent it from happening.

Colin: (oh great. That's how I aced all my tests)

Teacher: We also will be looking for whose grades drop dramatically because of this, because that will probably be the culprit(s).

Colin: ...drat.

Teacher: Did you say something?

Colin: No! Nothing!

Later...

Colin: Grit! I need help! They've figured out how I've been cheating and I need to keep getting good grades or else they'll know I was the one who was cheating!

Grit: Try studying.

Colin: Has it really come that far? I need to STUDY?!

Grit: Yes.

Colin: Great. Just great.

-Yellow Comet-

Kanbei: I just remembered! We locked Sonja in the dungeon. No wonder she hasn't shown up for a while.

Sensei: Should we let her out?

Kanbei: I'm too lazy. How about you do it?

Sensei: Okay.

A short time later...

Cowboy: Excuse me, sir, but what are you doing out here in the Orange Star desert?

Sensei: I don't remember.

Cowboy: What's your name?

Sensei: I don't remember.

Cowboy: Oh well. We'll get you home. Where are you from?

Sensei: I don't remember.

Cowboy: Well, I guess I'll just have to ask around and maybe we'll find out who you are, if you're someone important.

bWill Sensei remember his identity? Will Colin manage to do well on his tests? Will people manage to pay their taxes in time? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5 V!/b

iAdvance Wars 2.5 V, Part 9/i

Previously, Colin discovered he'd have to actually study for his tests, and Sensei got lost and forgot who he was.

-Blue Moon-

Colin: Must...study...harder.

Grit: How much do you have to study?

Colin: Everything that we learned after I used my new cheating method that I can't use anymore.

Grit: How long do you think it'll take you to catch up?

Colin: If I study 24 hours and don't go to sleep...I'd say about a year.

Grit: Well, best of luck to you, then.

Meanwhile...

Worker: Ratings for this story are going down!

Lord Seth: Really?

Worker: Yep.

Lord Seth: So what do we do?

Worker: Well, we could always turn this into a lem-

Lord Seth: NEVER! WHAT KIND OF SICKO DO YOU THINK I AM?!

Worker: Not one at all, but-

Lord Seth: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D EVEN SUGGEST SUCH A THING!

Worker: But-

Lord Seth: You're fired.

Worker: Oh well. I'll just get another job.

Lord Seth: You can't. I just bluelisted you.

Worker: Not...the blue list!

Lord Seth: Yes, the blue list.

Worker: Noooo! Have mercy!

Lord Seth: Fine, I'll just blacklist you instead.

Worker: Thank you!

Lord Seth: Um, you're not a worker anymore. You're fired.

Ex-Worker: Oh.

Lord Seth: Now let's get back to the rest of the story.

Vapor: And prove that Lord Seth is warped, not sick!

Lord Seth: What?

Vapor: Well, only a truly sick person would write what you just said you'd never write. But only a truly warped person could write something like this.

Lord Seth: Ah.

Vapor: We now return you to your non-offensive, appropriate-for-all- audiences story!

Lord Seth: About time. We need to get back to Wars World before this message is modded for being off-topic!

Vapor: I thought individuals posts couldn't be modded for that...

Lord Seth: Well, you have to remember that

[The remainder of this conversation was deleted by a GameFAQs Moderator]

-Green Earth-

Eagle: They haven't been on us for a while.

Jess: Why is it we're featured so infrequently?

Drake: Well, Orange Star, Yellow Comet, and Blue Moon all have young COs. We don't.

Eagle: Excellent point! Go and recruit some young COs!

A short time later...

Drake: Well, I put a sign up in front of headquarters asking for a young CO.

Eagle: Oh come on, that won't accomplish-

Several hundred kids about the age of Colin all rush in.

Drake: This could take a while.

Some time later...

Eagle: So you hate war, and if you become a CO you'll do your best to dismantle the army?

Kid: Yes.

Eagle: Next!

Later (MUCH later)

Drake: None of them fit our qualifications. Now what?

Jess: We wait for it to cut to someplace else.

Eagle: We're still here! Yes! Maybe we're finally getting the attention we deserve!

Sorry about that, our technology wasn't working right. Now let's see what's going on in Black Hole.

Eagle: Wait! I didn't mean that-

-Black Hole-

Hawke: How goes the progress on the atom bomb?

Lash: How many times must I tell people? It's called the Ultra-Bomb 3000!

Hawke: Well, it'll always be unofficially known as the atom bomb.

Lash: Whatever.

Hawke: So, how's it going?

Lash: I'd say we're about 80% done.

Hawke: Good. Keep me posted.

Lash posts Hawke to a postboard.

Hawke: That's not what I meant.

Lash: Oh.

Hawke: How long until these posting things come off?

Lash: About the length of one part.

Hawke: Good.

-Yellow Comet-

Kanbei: Sensei got lost and is in Orange Star?

TV: Yes, that's what we said.

Kanbei: Where is he?

TV: We were just getting to that. Be more patient.

Kanbei: Kanbei is never patient!

TV: and stop referring to yourself in the third person. ANYWAY, he's in Orange Star's biggest desert, the Orange Star desert, named so because the namers didn't have creativity.

Kanbei: I'm going to bring him back for no reason!

Later...

Sensei: Who are you?

Kanbei: I'm Kanbei! Your former student and current superior!

Sensei: Oh. Wasn't I supposed to be doing something before I got lost?

Kanbei: Yes, but I forgot what it was.

Sensei: I thought forgetting was MY thing.

Meanwhile...

Sonja: Man, being stuck in this cell stinks. And I wish they could at least stop the rabid monkey from bonking on my head. Hey, wait a minute...

Sonja paints a picture (where she got the paint and paintbrushes, I have no idea) of her head on the door. The monkey promptly starts bonking on it.

Sonja: Hopefully he'll knock it down eventually.

bWill the monkey knock the door down? Will the atom bomb/b

Lash: Ultra-Bomb 3000!

ber, yes, the Ultra Bomb 3000/b

Lash: The Ultra-Bomb 3000. You forgot the dash.

bARGH! As I was saying, will the Ultra-Bomb 4000/b

Lash: 3000.

bWill I ever get the name right? Find out next time, on the season finale of Advance Wars 2.5 V!/b

iAdvance Wars 2.5 V, Part 10/i

Previously, Green Earth failed in its attempt to get a new, younger, CO in order to gain more screen time.

-Green Earth-

Eagle: Well, it gave us some screen time, at least.

Lord Seth: For the record, not having any young COs isn't the reason you're not on very often. It was because I just think you're boring.

Eagle: I hate you.

Lord Seth: I know.

-Black Hole-

Sturm: How goes the "Ultra-Bomb 3000"?

Lash: We have one ready to use.

Sturm: Not enough! I want four, one for each enemy country!

Lash: I'm not sure if we'll have them done before the next season...

Sturm: Just hurry up!

Lash: All right, all right, I'll try.

-Blue Moon-

Colin: Well, I studied nonstop for one whole week. I'm gonna ace that test!

Test day...

Colin: Zzzzzzzzzzzzz.............huh? Oh yeah, the test!

Some time later...

Colin: Well, I finished the test. Guess I'd better....Zzzzzzzzzzzzz......

-Yellow Comet-

Sonja: Yes! The monkey finally knocked the door down!

Sonja leaves. The monkey trips and falls back into the cell, and the door slams shut behind it. Loud chattering is heard behind it.

Sonja: Well, better go back.

-Orange Star-

Nell: My spies have informed me that Black Hole has completed their weapon.

Max: What is the weapon?

Nell: They don't know. They're not well-enough placed in Black Hole to know.

Meanwhile...

Spy 1: Man, all those spy movies make the spies look all cool and have fancy gadgets. But it's really nothing like that!

Spy 2: Yeah, we never get Quantum Fluctuators. We only get special wristwatches that have 1000 different uses, not counting telling time.

Spy 1: Aren't we supposed to be finding out the name of some weapon?

Lash and Sturm walk by, talking about the Ultra-Bomb 3000.

Spy 2: Yeah, but the information is too well hidden. We'll never even find out the name of it!

-Blue Moon-

Teacher: Well, only one students' grades fell drastically, so I guess we know who the cheater was.

Colin: *gulp*

Teacher: Come along, Chris.

Chris: *sigh* You caught me.

Colin: (What?)

Chris: But I wasn't the only one cheating on the tests! There was at least one other!

Teacher: Yeah, yeah, tell it to the judge.

Chris: Judge?

Teacher: Yes, cheating now carries capital punishment.

Chris: The death penalty?!

Teacher: No, just punishment with a capital P.

Chris: What difference does that make?

Teacher: None, but who cares?

-Black Hole-

Lash: We now have two bombs ready.

Sturm: Well, hurry up and make two more!

Lash: I know this part is supposed to be building suspense and all, but it's kind of hard to take it seriously with all the jokes going on.

Sturm: Hee hee, those puns. They're very punny!

Lash: That is the worst joke I have ever heard. Hey, there's an idea, make a bomb that causes really bad jokes to be told. I'll have to try that sometime.

-Orange Star-

Hachi: Yes! My newest plan to make even more money is complete! At last!

Employee: What is your plan, sir?

Hachi: I'll just use the stock market. After all, stocks can't go down, can they?

Employee: Er...

-Black Hole-

Lash: The four bombs are now created and ready for your use, Lord Sturm.

Sturm: Excellent. Target the capitals of Green Earth, Yellow Comet, Blue Moon, and Orange Star.

-Orange Star-

Andy: With that new weapon Black Hole is making, aren't you worried about our capital? Shouldn't we have some kind of protection?

Nell: Oh, come on. What kind of weapon could destroy the whole city?

-Black Hole-

Sturm: Begin the countdown. 1000, 999, 998, 997, 996...

995 later...

Sturm: 1, 0. Fire!

Four bombs simultaneously strike and destroy the capitals of four different countries. Tens of thousands are dead and/or injured. Horrified citizens watch the carnage.

The atomic age has begun.

bTo Be Continued.../b