*****
Later that night, Kirsten finds Sandy in the den, studying Ryan's essay.
"What's going on?"
"I'm reading Ryan's essay. It's good, Kirsten. It's like…beyond college level work."
"Well, I guess you were right about him, Sandy, he's a very bright boy."
Sandy puts an arm around her. "His teacher wants to have it published."
"Really? That's great…why do you look upset about this?"
"Ryan didn't even mention it. I had a talk with him earlier. This doesn't mean anything to him. He said…he said a lot of things…" Sandy mutters.
"That doesn't sound like Ryan," Kirsten responds. "What did he say?"
"I'm just worried about him. Have you had a chance to talk to him lately?"
Kirsten hesitates. "I see him at dinner…"
"He says that he doesn't belong here. He says it's only a matter of time before this is over for him. He said…he asked why we took him in."
"What did you say?"
"He said it along with some other things. He said that I wanted him here because I see myself in him. He said Seth wants him here because he's lonely. And he said that you didn't want him here at all."
Kirsten gasps. "Why would he think that?"
"I don't know. But you could see it in his eyes…he believes it. He really doesn't think that he should be here. He doesn't think school is going to help him at all. But, Kirsten…this essay is amazing."
"God…should I go talk to him?"
"Let's give him some time to think about what I've said. Dr. Kim, when she called today, she said that she is setting up a meeting with him to rearrange his schedule. He's doing so well in his classes that she thinks that he should be in higher level classes," Sandy explains.
"Really? He's doing that well?"
"She said that every one of his professors has contacted her about his success. Every teacher, Kirsten. At the Harbor School…it's just…I don't know how we could have missed this," Sandy admits.
*****
"What's up with you, Ryan?" Marissa asks the next morning. She is curled up beside him in the poolhouse. Both are dressed and ready for school. They are lying on his freshly made bed with their arms around each other.
"What? Nothing. I'm just thinking," Ryan replies. She comes by some mornings and wakes him with her kiss. She always has to go home and this is the only way that they get to spend the mornings together.
"You're always thinking," Marissa responds. "But you won't tell me what you're thinking about."
Marissa and Ryan have been through a lot together and have settled into a tentative yet comfortable relationship. Marissa is very happy with their sexual relationship. Ryan is a very attentive lover and he always seems to make her scream his name. But he doesn't talk to her. He doesn't talk during sex or afterwards, tending to shut down and hold her silently. He rarely tells her anything, preferring to listen to her and focus on her issues. The few arguments they have had are because of his inability to open up. The only person that can get through his emotional walls is Seth and Marissa is extremely jealous of their relationship.
Ryan doesn't reply, sitting up.
"Are you ever going to talk to me?" Marissa asks.
"About what?" Ryan replies blankly.
"About anything!" Marissa retorts, letting his apathetic tone anger her.
"What do you want me to say, Marissa?" Ryan asks, his voice flat. He hates arguing but when provoked, doesn't raise his voice.
Marissa stands up, incensed but taking advantage of the opportunity to speak her mind. "I want you to tell me why you won't look at me when we make love! I want you to tell me why you cry out in your sleep! I want you to tell me anything, Ryan!"
Ryan doesn't meet her gaze.
"God! You're like a robot!" Marissa says, frustrated.
"Then why do you bother?" Ryan asks suddenly. "Why do you bother with me if I'm such a robot?"
"Because…because…god, Ryan, I love you…" Marissa gasps.
"You don't even know me, Marissa…you don't know anything about me…how can you say you love me? Because I make you feel good?" Ryan's voice is low as he stands up and moves beside her, taking her hands in his. "Tell me one thing that you know about me that makes you love me…" For once, his blue eyes are unshielded and pleading.
She can see the emotion in his eyes and wants desperately to give him an answer…but she is speechless. "Ryan…"
He releases her hands with an indifferent shrug, stepping away. All emotion is gone from his face. "Let's just stop."
"What?" She asks, confused.
"Let's just stop this. I can't please you, I can't be what you need me to be," Ryan mutters.
"Why are you doing this? I just want you to talk to me…"
"You want me to talk to you, you want me to tell you all my deepest secrets and you can't even tell me why you care about me…" Ryan replies, taking several steps away from Marissa as she reaches out for him.
"Ryan, please, just calm down."
"I am calm. I'm always calm. Have I ever hurt you?" He asks suddenly, his voice dangerously quiet.
"What? Ryan, of course not…"
"Don't give me that chance. Let's just stop," Ryan won't meet her eyes.
"No. I won't let you do this. Not after all we've…" Marissa starts, stricken.
"Sex is nothing, Marissa. It doesn't mean anything…"
"You think I'm talking about sex? Ryan, you stood by me when I almost died! You helped me quit drinking and you've…you're my best friend…I've told you everything about me! You're willing to just throw all that away because I want to know more about you? Because I care about you?" Marissa asks, starting to cry at the thought of losing him.
"It's not throwing it away, Marissa…there's nothing to throw away…" Ryan replies, refusing to meet her eyes. She reaches for him but he takes more steps back.
"You know that's not true. You care about me. I know you do, I just don't know why you're doing this…" Marissa replies.
"Let's just stop," Ryan whispers.
"I won't. I can't. This is too important to me. You're too important to me. I want you to talk to me. I want you to tell me what's wrong with you…" Marissa starts.
"There's nothing wrong with me. I just can't be with you. Not anymore. It's not fair…"
"What's not fair?" Marissa asks, confused.
"I can't be with you. You deserve…you deserve better. Let's just stop. Before it gets too hard…"
Marissa shakes her head at him, confused and devastated. "I don't understand, Ryan…"
"I thought I could do this, I thought I could be what you needed…" Ryan says, looking at her with haunted eyes. "But I can't."
Seth knocks on the pool house door, waving with a smile, oblivious.
Marissa doesn't know what else to say so she grabs her bag and leaves, shaking her head at Seth as she walks past him.
"Damn, it's a little early for drama, isn't it?" Seth asks.
"It's never too early for drama," Ryan mutters, sitting down on his bed.
"You want to talk about it? What am I saying, of course not. What happened?"
Ryan shakes his head, not answering.
"Are you and Marissa okay?"
"It's done. It's over. And that's all I have to say," Ryan says. Seth is stricken. Ryan grabs his backpack and goes to the door. "Are you ready?"
"Dude…" Seth starts.
"I don't want to talk about it. It's for the best. If you don't know anything you won't have to lie to Marissa, okay? Just leave it alone." Ryan sighs. He walks out of the pool house, leaving Seth stunned.
*****
Ryan meets with Dr. Kim during lunch. He sits down in the chair across from her, his hair curtaining his eyes.
"Ryan. It's nice to see you again."
He nods solemnly.
"Ms. Thomas says that you've agreed to let her submit your essay…" Dr. Kim smiles, approvingly.
Ryan nods again. "My attorney gives me good advice," He states. Dr. Kim continues smiling at her interpretation of a joke.
"I want to discuss your class schedule…"
"I haven't missed any classes…" He begins.
"This is not a disciplinary meeting, Ryan," She replies immediately. "Entirely the opposite."
Ryan is confused but doesn't speak.
"I've spoken with your teachers and they all agree that you're too advanced to be in their classes…"
"Too advanced? What exactly does that mean?" Ryan asks slowly.
"Your placement test placed you in classes that aren't fulfilling your potential. We agree that you should be placed in a more advanced set of classes so you'll be on the same level as peers of your intelligence," Dr. Kim explains.
"Okay."
She is surprised. "You…you don't have more questions?"
"Should I ask more questions? I mean…I'll do whatever you think is best," He says, shrugging.
Dr. Kim is startled by his unquestioning acceptance. "Well, you'll be free to choose what classes…"
"Since it's your decision that I'm too smart for the ones I'm taking now, why don't you make the decision of what classes I'll be not smart enough for. I trust your judgment," He replies. "I wouldn't know what's best for me."
Dr. Kim doesn't reply immediately, pondering his response.
"Dr. Kim?" He calls.
"I'll arrange a meeting with Kirsten and Sandy and we'll decide later this week."
Ryan nods.
"Don't you have any preferences at all? Are there any classes that you enjoy more than others?"
Ryan doesn't reply but acknowledges her by meeting her gaze. "No. I 'enjoy' them all equally."
"Okay, Ryan. I'll notify you of the meeting time," She sighs.
"Thank you," He mumbles, leaving quickly.
