AN: Okay. Ambivalent about posting this, but I got so many reviews so I'll post what I got. I'm totally unsure about where this is going after some interesting and thought-provoking input from Iceworm, but I figured I should at least post this to see if it works. Thanks to everyone who reviewed and read!
*****
"…I've got scratches all over my arms
One for each day since I fell apart…
--Pearl Jam
Ryan has a soccer match after the game. They win, thanks to the impressive teamwork between Ryan and Luke. The two boys are friends now, avoiding the subject of Marissa but bonding over sports and their mutual classes. Ryan is walking behind Luke as they shake hands with the losing team. One of the boys mutters something to Ryan as he walks by and Ryan meets the boy's gaze. He recognizes him vaguely from a fight back in Chino years ago over a girl whose name he can't recall.
"You're a little out of place aren't you, punk?" The boy mutters. Luke glances back as Ryan pauses.
"Excuse me?" Ryan asks, his voice low.
"You heard me…" He hisses. Something flashes in the boy's brown eyes.
Ryan lunges, pinning the boy against the ground, punching him angrily. He can't see for his rage and his vision goes dark as he is pulled off the smaller boy. Somehow, the fight has turned into a brawl, his teammates too blinded by their win to realize that they didn't know what they were fighting about. It only takes Ryan a second to realize that being separated from the boy is a bad idea as several rival players invade his sight.
*****
"What the hell…" Seth and Anna turn around from the line filing out of the bleachers to see the commotion on the field.
Coaches, teachers and various adults are joining the fray, pulling the struggling players apart.
"Do you see Ryan?" Anna asks.
"No, but knowing his luck, he's on the bottom…" Seth mutters, following some other kids onto the field. Anna holds onto him by his belt loop and sticks behind him as he hurries toward the battle.
Luke staggers out of the mass of people, pulling an unconscious Ryan with him by his ripped shirt. Seth helps him, noting the blood soaking Ryan's shirt. His nose is bleeding and his lip is busted, but that doesn't explain the amount of blood.
"What the hell is all this?" Anna asks Luke as Seth goes to his knees beside Luke. Luke is slapping Ryan's abused face, trying to get a reaction.
"One of those fucking kids said something to Ryan and he just…he just snapped…" Luke replies, quiet. Ryan murmurs something and Seth shakes him.
Ryan slowly opens his eyes. "Shit…"
"Did anybody see it?" Anna asks Luke, thinking of Ryan's probation.
"I don't think so," Luke replies.
The visiting coach yells into a bullhorn for his team to follow him immediately or risk prosecution. Newport's coach then yells for his team to report to the locker room immediately.
"Ryan, are you okay?" Seth asks.
"Yeah…I mean, I'm fine but your parents are going to kick my ass…" Ryan says, sitting up. His blue eyes are clouded and dark.
"Why are you bleeding so much? Where's the blood coming from?" Anna asks, concerned.
Ryan winces, trying vainly to pull away as Anna leans between Seth and Luke, pulling up his shirt. His pale skin is sticky with blood but they can all see the jagged gash across his chest and abdomen
"Shit…" Luke gasps as Anna releases his shirt. The coach stands over them suddenly.
"Seth, get Atwood home so he can get patched up. I want him in my office before school tomorrow," The coach instructs, shaking his head in dismay as he passes them. "Ward, you can go with them…"
"You better tell me what the hell is going on right now, Ryan…" Seth says, his voice shaking with worry.
Ryan shakes off their hands suddenly, defensive. "It's nothing…help me up…" Luke obeys, too stunned to do anything else.
"That is definitely not nothing," Anna says quietly. "Somebody cut you up."
"Ryan…" Seth stammers, still on his knees on the field. Ryan pulls him up by his arm.
"Let's go."
"Is this why you broke up with Marissa? So she wouldn't see? So she wouldn't ask questions?"
"Seth." Ryan meets his gaze steadily and Seth stops talking. They don't need words to communicate.
"You broke up with Marissa?" Luke asks slowly. "What's going on?"
"Thanks for everything, guys, but we're leaving. Now." Seth leads Ryan away from Anna and Luke toward the car.
"Seth! Call me!" Anna yells. He waves at her absently.
"I thought we told each other stuff, Ryan…"
"We do…but there's some things that you just don't talk about…" Ryan mutters, leaning against the Range Rover.
"Man, I always have your back, you know that, right?" Seth asks, standing in front of him. Ryan nods. "What's going on with you? What was up with that fight back there? Who cut you up?"
"Can we just go home?"
"Uh, no," Seth replies.
Ryan regards him with clear blue eyes. "If it was anyone else, I'd tell them to go to hell." He's silent for a long moment before sliding to the ground, his back leaned against the Range Rover. "You're the only person…you're the only person I've let myself trust in years…"
"Then tell me, Ryan."
Ryan covers his face and shudders, startling Seth.
"Ryan?"
"There's something wrong with me…something genetic…something that can't be fixed…" Ryan murmurs. "And being here…living like this…it's too much for me…"
Seth pulls him to his feet, unlocking the door. Ryan gets inside. Seth climbs into the drivers seat. Ryan slumps against the window, his eyes closed.
"Who cut you?"
Ryan doesn't reply.
"Ryan. Please," Seth asks.
"I can't tell you," Ryan whispers.
"Why?"
"Because. I can't explain it."
"You have to try, Ryan. This is…I can't deal with this if I don't know what's going on…you said you trust me…"
"I do…I trust you, but this…this is a mistake…you shouldn't have seen it…" Ryan's eyes are slightly glazed and his voice is dripping with emotion.
"Please, Ryan."
"I did it."
Seth barely hears the words. "What? Ryan…"
"I said that I did it."
Seth doesn't know how to respond. He doesn't understand.
"Sometimes…sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode…it's like my skin can't hold in everything…I just go numb…I can't feel…I can't breathe…it's hell…so…so…sometimes this happens…I have to…" Ryan's words are a burst of whispers.
"You have to cut yourself?" Seth asks quietly.
"Don't judge me, Seth…I told you that I can't explain…" Ryan murmurs, not reacting. Seth is stopped at a stoplight.
"Why your chest?" Seth asks suddenly. He reaches out and takes Ryan's wrist and holds it up to the illumination of the streetlights. His arms are peppered with healed scars and fresh slashes.
"Seth, please…I'm begging you…don't tell Sandy…"
"Don't ask me to lie, Ryan…you…man…you shouldn't be doing this…" Seth replies.
"I have to…I don't know…I thought that if I was here, if I tried…if I did everything I could to be a better man…that something would happen…but I'm still…I'm still nothing. I'm still worthless and now, now you're going to show your Dad that I'm crazy, too…where am I supposed to go, Seth?"
Seth glances at him, worried by his tone.
"Can you tell me that you'll stop? That you won't do it anymore?"
Ryan closes his eyes, leaning forward and putting his face in his hands. "I…Seth, please…"
Seth pulls the Range Rover into their driveway. He turns to Ryan, shaking him until Ryan meets his gaze.
"If it was me. If someone was hurting me and I wouldn't talk about it…if you were worried that I was going to die…wouldn't you tell my parents?"
"I'm not going to die…"
"I don't believe you. Marissa swallowed a bottle of painkillers and I didn't do anything to stop it. You have to get help. You have to let me help you."
Ryan tears his eyes away, opening the door. "I can't stop you, Seth."
"But you're never going to forgive me, are you?"
"You're family. You're always forgiven, Seth," Ryan mutters. "I just never thought you'd turn your back on my like all the rest. I thought you'd…"
"Ryan…"
"Oh my god. What happened? Ryan? Are you okay?" Kirsten's voice is laced with worry as she steps out of the house. She yells for Sandy.
"I'm fine, everything's okay," Ryan mutters, ignoring Seth's worried glance. Ryan turns to Seth as Sandy steps out. "You can tell them whatever you want. I'll be in the pool house." He leaves before anyone can stop him, rushing past Kirsten and Sandy into the house.
"Seth?" Kirsten calls, panicked.
Seth is stricken by Ryan's attitude. He knows that he has to tell his parents but he doesn't want to risk Ryan's trust. He doesn't know what to do.
"Seth, what's going on?" Kirsten demands, holding his arms now. Seth doesn't reply. Sandy has followed Ryan into the house.
"Ryan. Ryan stop."
"No. Let me get cleaned up."
Ryan's voice stops Sandy cold. There is no emotion, no feeling at all and Sandy knows somehow that something is very wrong.
"I'm coming with you," Sandy states flatly, following him. He catches up to the hurrying boy and puts a hand on his shoulder. Ryan spins around, defensive.
"Don't touch me. Not right now. Let me get cleaned up," Ryan repeats.
"That can wait. I need you to tell me what happened…Ryan…" Sandy starts again, following him warily as Ryan turns and walks out of the house to the patio. "Ryan, stop and talk to me."
"Talk. All anybody wants to do is talk. Talking doesn't change anything. It's just words. They're just fucking words." Ryan slams the door to the pool house, leaving Sandy stunned.
"Seth. Seth, what's going on?" Kirsten is shaking her son in the driveway.
"I don't know," Seth replies finally. He embraces his mother, hugging her tightly. "I don't know…"
"Tell me what happened…are you hurt?" Kirsten demands.
"No…I'm fine…but Ryan…Ryan's all fucked up…I don't know what I'm supposed to do…" Seth whispers.
"Tell me…" Kirsten says.
"Something's wrong…" Seth mutters. He pulls away from his mother. He walks into the house, leaving his mother stunned and worried.
Ryan feels shattered. He falls to his knees in the bathroom, vomiting. He has to purge his system. He is pulsing with rage. He isn't angry with anyone except himself. Only he could fuck up something as simple as his life with the Cohens. Seth thinks he's crazy. Sandy thinks he doesn't care. And Kirsten…she doesn't care at all. He vomits again. He has to make this stop. He has to get control. He can't let them see him like this. He vomits.
*****
