Chapter 5: Lust, Actually (a chapter starring the actual stars of Inu-Yasha! woohoo!)
D/C: Don't own Inu-Yasha or aforementioned stars.
"Aaagh! Sango!" Miroku backed away from the woman in front of him. "Help? Please?"
"Why? I thought you liked pretty women." Sango looked decidedly uninterested in the woman smiling coquettishly at Miroku.
"Oh, Miroku!" The Sue threw her arms around the nervous monk. "I missed you!" Sango glowered. "Now we can be together forever!"
"Huh?" Miroku blinked. "Um, I can explain…Sango? Help?"
"Who is she?" The woman turned to look at Sango. "I thought you swore your undying love to me! You said you would never look at another woman!"
"Heh heh…" Miroku looked guilty. "Um…who are you, again?"
"What?" The Sue gasped. "I knew it! You must have amnesia! Oh, my poor darling!"
"Excuse me?" Sango grabbed the collar of the woman's shirt and yanked her away from Miroku. "He doesn't have amnesia, he just doesn't remember you!"
"How could he forget me?" The woman batted her eyes at Miroku, who she had backed against a tree. "I'm his One True Love!"
"What?" Sango blinked. "I didn't know Miroku had one true anything."
The Sue batted her violet eyes at him, smiling sweetly. "Canon characters mean nothing to me," she said. "You don't have to be romantically involved with her anymore."
"We're not romantically involved!" Sango muttered sullenly. "I just think he shouldn't be involved with ANY women. Lechers like him—"
"Miroku is not a lecher!" Tears filled the Sue's eyes. "If only you knew him like I did—how sweet he can be, how kind…he swore undying love to me!"
"Er…" Miroku laughed nervously. "But I haven't met you before." He smiled. "But if you wouldn't mind bearing my child—"
Sango whacked him with her hiraikotsu. "He is a lech, you idiot!" she said.
"Excuse me?" The woman turned to look at Sango. "How dare you? I happen to be an extremely powerful demon sorceress, you know. With a wave of my hand, I can—"
"Oh, dear gods." Sango rolled her eyes. "You're a Sue, aren't you?" She looked thoughtful. "Well, Sues are demons made by Naraku, so..." She threw her hiraikotsu at the Sue, who dissolved in a whirl of pink sparkles instead of the standard blood-and-guts that usually accompanied killing demons.
Miroku sighed. "Sango, wasn't that a little hasty?"
"Why? She was a demon." Sango looked distastefully at the glitter that dusted the floor of the forest (of course they're in a forest!).
"I know." Miroku nodded. "But couldn't you have waited until she answered my question—aagh!" Sango nonchalantly whacked him, sending him sprawling into the glitter. He got up, indignantly brushing himself off.
"At least you stayed in character," Sango muttered. "Pervert."
********random marks to denote changing of scene********
"Mommy!" Shippo ran up to Kagome happily. "Mommy!"
"Shippo's your child?" Inu-Yasha looked shocked. "Kagome! I thought that you were faithful to me, even though I'm a heartless bastard who will dump you for Kikyo and then, when you find somebody new, decide I love you again! How could you do this to me?" He got up and went in the corner to be angsty. Kagome blinked, being very unintelligent in this fic (A/N gawd i h8 kagome she needs—wait a minute. WAIT A MINUTE. DAMMIT. THERE SHALL BE NO AUTHOR NOTES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STORY! And if you DO hate Kagome for random reasons and really wish to tell somebody this, spell the word out. H-A-T-E. h8 is NOT A WORD. Gah. The Sues are getting to me…)
"Shippo, am I your mother?"
Shippo nodded. "Yup! You're also secretly an ultra-powerful mystic sparkly soul dragon demon princess, whatever THAT is."
"Wow. I can't believe I'm secretly a demon!." Kagome blinked, then looked horrified as rational thought disappeared to be replaced by the influence of the Sues. "I can't let Inu-Yasha know! He'll hate me! Oh, the angst!" She tries to go to the corner to be angsty, but Inu-Yasha's already there and it's too much work to go to one of the three available corners…
And now, a sudden change in style occurs!
Inu-Yasha: Kagome! How could you do this to me! I love you!
Kagome: I love you, too! Let's stay together forever, no matter what happens! Oh, Inu-Yasha!
Inu-Yasha: Oh, Kagome!
Kaede: That's horrendous romantic dialogue.
Author (Woohoo! Self-insertion! The Sues are affecting the style of the story!): That's because I haven't ever had a boyfriend…sigh. *goes off to be angsty in the same corner, because apparently there's something wrong with the other three*
And now, Inu-Yasha is hearing voices!
Voice 1: I've loved her for so long…my Kagome…I'm so happy…her scent is so nice…
Voice 2: *throws up at the sappiness of Voice 1 and demands that this outrage stop at once*
Voice 3: I'm the voice of God, Inu-Yasha, and I want you to go on a mission to save the One Ring and maybe get some slash in with Legolas, because nothing attracts readers like poorly written crossovers with slash in them
Voice 2: GAH! *violently beats other voices*
And the style returned to normal…
Inu-Yasha blinked. Why the hell was he holding a very angry-looking Kagome?
"Inu-Yasha, osuwari!" Kagome yelled, because she was suddenly not being held by Inu-Yasha and because torturing Inu-Yasha gets cheap laughs.
"Arrgh, matey!" said Kaede, who had gotten into Pirate Mode while Inu-Yasha and Kagome were being Sued. "Thar Sues are really getting to you."
And then, because the author had no more to say, Naraku suddenly appeared and took the Shikon shards! And the chapter ended! A cliffhanger! Wow! Exclamation points!!!!!111 Badly done exclamation points!!!!!!!11! OMG! Stay tuned for next chapter, when the first literary device shows up!!!!11!!! And the author sporks herself because of the stupidity!!!!! And this particular plot line is totally forgotten because plot is destroyed by Sues!!!11!!! And now, before we go, a few more exclamation points and a preview of next chapter:
Sesshoumaru looked deep into her stormy blue/gray eyes. "I vow to eternally love you," he said to the Sue, who blinked, then was whacked by a furious-looking miko.
"SPLIT INFINITIVES! SPLIT INFINITIVES!" The miko glared. "There shall be no split infinitives, by my decree!"
"Dear gods…did I just say what I think I said?" Sesshoumaru had a sudden urge to kill the Sue. No, wait, he always wanted to kill things. That was his nature as a demon.
"Yes! You said TO ETERNALLY LOVE YOU, not to love you eternally!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!11111!!!!!1111!!!!!
