AN: I'm still on sabbatical but I'm really trying to work on my unfinished stuff. Really. Expect an epilogue on this when I come back alive in a few weeks. Let me know what you think of Jackie. I know that Ryan's got a ways to go to get back to 'normal' but hey, anything's a start.

*****


"…And I know that god exists
because I feel him sometimes
when she takes up the sheets
or my telephone lines, but
when I'm home she says:
"Baby you're a lie..."
"You're not really here."
"You've gone away..."

--7 Mary 3

Two days later, the Cohens haven't found Ryan. Seth is devastated. He hasn't left his room since his parents told him that Ryan stormed out. He won't eat or come out of his room unless he's using the bathroom or taking a shower. He refuses to go to school. Kirsten won't let Sandy call the police because it will jeopardize Ryan's probation. She has hired private investigators to search for the teenager.

Seth's cellular phone buzzes. He hasn't been answering it for the past few days, unable to deal with Marissa, Summer, Luke and Anna's constant phone calls asking about Ryan. He glances at the caller ID and doesn't recognize the number. He answers it. "Yeah?"

"Hey," Ryan says quietly.

"Hey," Seth sighs, relieved.

They don't speak. Seth waits for Ryan to say something.

"So. I kind of freaked out," Ryan whispers.

"Yeah. I heard."

"You mad?" Ryan asks.

"God, Ryan…I'm not mad…are you okay?"

"I…I think so. I felt like I was going to explode so…so I ran. I don't know…"

"But you're okay, right?" Seth asks again.

"I don't want to die," Ryan states quietly.

Seth pauses. "Okay, so that's good…"

"I don't know what to do."

"Can I…can I come get you?" Seth asks.

"Are your parents pissed?" Ryan whispers.

"No. Worried sick. They've got these private investigators looking for you and they're worrying the hell out of me but…they're not pissed, Ryan."

There is a long silence on Ryan's end of the phone.

"Ryan. Let me come get you. Please," Seth pleads.

"Okay. Will you tell your parents that I'm okay?"

"Yeah. Where are you?"

Ryan gives Seth an address in Chino of a bus stop and hangs up. Seth realizes that he is shaking. He dresses and leaves his room, going to the kitchen to find his mother and father picking at a tray of food prepared by Rosa.

"Seth?" Kirsten reads something on her son's face.

"I'm going to get him," Seth says flatly.

"He called you?" Sandy asks quietly.

"Yeah. Said he flipped out. He told me to tell you guys that he's okay."

"Can we come with you to get him?" Kirsten asks.

Seth hesitates. "I don't know…I don't want to smother him right away, you know? Let me try to bring him home…"

"Is he okay?" Sandy asks.

"He says he's okay. I'll call you if I need you," Seth promises, accepting Kirsten's keys.

*****

Ryan is smoking a cigarette on a bench when Seth pulls up in the Range Rover. Seth rolls his window down and parks on the curb. "Get in."

Ryan doesn't protest. He climbs into the passenger side of the Rover. He's wearing the same clothes from when he left the Cohen's two days earlier and he looks as if he hasn't slept at all. There are dark bags under his eyes and he is trembling.

"Hey," Seth nods.

"Hey," Ryan replies.

"You don't look so good," Seth says as he pulls away from the curb.

"Thanks," Ryan smiles slightly.

"Hey, at least I'm honest," Seth shrugs.

Ryan covers his face and leans against the window. "I'm sorry, Seth."

Seth hesitates. "What's going on with you, man? You…you kind of melted down on me and I have to admit…I don't know what to do for you…" He admits.

"I'm so fucked up, man…It's like…everything is spiraling out of my control…I finally was doing well at school and they want to fix my schedule to make it harder for me to do anything…and then Marissa…god…"

"Just chill out, Ryan, okay? Relax for just a second." Seth forces himself to be calm. "I had no idea that you were so stressed out…"

"I…everything just got out of control, Seth and I just…I couldn't stop myself…I have to stop," Ryan states quietly.

"So…you're ready to come home?"

"Yeah," He whispers. "Your home…it's time I started thinking of it as my home, too…"

"Yeah, dude. My parents…they're going nuts over this. They want to help you. Will you let them help you?" Seth asks.

Ryan nods. They ride to the Cohen house in silence.

*****

"You ready for this?" Seth asks as he takes the keys out of the ignition.

"Ready or not, we're here." Ryan takes a deep breath. He steps out of the truck and follows Seth inside.

Kirsten embraces Ryan immediately, not giving him a chance to speak before crushing him in a hug. "I'm so glad you're back, Ryan."

"I'm sorry…" Ryan whispers before collapsing into sobs. He lets Kirsten lead him into the living room. He continues to cry in her arms.

*****

A few hours later, Ryan goes to the pool house and takes a long shower and gets dressed. Kirsten and Sandy spent a lot of time explaining to Ryan that they wanted to help him get better and he had agreed to see a counselor. They were setting things up for him while he got cleaned up.

He had spent the last two days wandering around Chino, thinking. His mind was spinning with conflicting ideas and feelings and he's exhausted. Finally, he realized that Seth and his family were trying to help him and he needed their help. He was scared. He hadn't been scared in a while but he's scared.

Ryan sits down on the bed and stares at his shaking hands. In the bathroom, he had spent a long time staring at his scarred body in the mirror before making it to the shower. He can't stop his hands from shaking. It's like his body is rejecting his soul suddenly. He's not comfortable in his own body anymore and in return, his body is shutting down.

"I brought you some lunch," Seth announces as he steps inside with a tray.

"I can't eat anything," Ryan replies honestly.

"When's the last time you ate something, dude?" Seth asks.

Ryan hesitates. He can't remember.

"Don't lie to me. When's the last time you ate something?" Seth repeats.

"I don't know."

"Okay then. We've got soup and sandwiches and a salad that Mom insists you need to eat for iron," Seth says as he sits down beside Ryan on the bed with the tray.

"Seth."

"Yeah?" Seth asks.

"Thanks," Ryan replies.

"I just want you to get well, Ryan. I want you to be okay. I mean…I don't have any experience with this…"

"I know. But you're helping. You're…thanks," Ryan sighs.

"You're welcome. I heard the 'rents talking and somebody's coming over to the house to talk to you. Like, a counselor. Are you sure you're cool with that?"

"Yeah. I need to talk to somebody, Seth. Somebody that can make some sense of the mess in my head, you know?" Ryan says. He accepts the sandwich Seth holds out for him.

"Well, it helped Marissa. The counselor, I mean…" Seth pauses. "Have you thought about Marissa, Ryan?"

"I should probably call her, right?"

"Yeah. She's been really worried about you," Seth replies.

"You want to hang out while I call her?" Ryan sighs.

Seth nods immediately as Ryan goes to the phone. He dials the number of Marissa's cell phone.

"Hello?" Marissa answers.

"Hey. It's Ryan…"

"Ryan, are you okay?" She asks immediately.

"I'm better. I'm…I'm not okay, though. I…kind of…lost it for a while."

Marissa is quiet. "But you're better?"

"Yeah. I'm back…"

"Seth wouldn't confirm that you'd disappeared but I figured that you'd taken off considering how upset he was. You're back now?"

"Yeah. I…I came home."

"Will you talk to me?"

Ryan pauses. "I'm trying."

She waits.

Ryan sighs. "Things just got out of my control and I panicked. I…I let things get so fucked up that I couldn't fix it…"

"Okay, Ryan…" She interrupts. "I know how that can happen. But you're back now and…"

"I'm sorry, Marissa," Ryan says.

"Me, too. I'm sorry you couldn't talk to me and I'm sorry that I didn't see that you were in trouble…you took such good care of me that I didn't stop to think that you might need me to take care of you a little, too…" She admits.

"It's okay. I'm sorry."

"Can we start over? I mean…I'll wait for you to get better."

"Marissa…" Ryan starts.

"No, Ryan. I mean it. Let me stand by you…let me help you…" She says quietly.

Ryan meets Seth's steady gaze. "I…I'm not really there yet, Marissa."

"Let me be your friend, then. We'll take it slow. All I know is that I don't want you to have to go through this alone. You're not alone. I care about you…Seth cares about you and Sandy and Kirsten care about you. I'm here if you need me," Marissa adds.

"Thanks, Marissa," Ryan says.

"You're welcome, Ryan. So…if I wanted to come by and see you for myself…can I do that?" Marissa asks.

"Well…can I call you back?"

Marissa hesitates.

"The Cohens have a counselor coming by to talk to me, Marissa and I don't know how long…I don't know where that's going to take me," Ryan sighs.

"Oh. Okay. I'm glad you're okay, Ryan. I'll talk to you later…if you feel like calling me, that is," Marissa replies.

"I'll call you, Marissa. Thanks. Bye," He says, hanging up.

"Not so hard, right?" Seth says, smiling.

"Right. She says that she'll wait for me, Seth. What am I supposed to say to that?"

Seth pauses. "I think you handled it well. As well as I would have handled it. Eat."

Ryan sticks his tongue out at Seth but continues eating his sandwich.

*****

"Ryan. This is Dr. Jacobs. She's a family friend," Kirsten says nervously when Seth brings Ryan into the house later that night.

Ryan nods politely to the well-dressed lady that is sitting in the den with the Cohens. "You must be a good friend to make a house call," Ryan says.

"Kirsten and I have been friends for years," Dr. Jacobs says. "Do you mind talking to me, Ryan?"

"No. I don't mind," He replies quietly.

"Let's take a walk," She suggests.

Ryan pauses.

"I promise I don't have the men in white coats with me. I didn't have enough notice," The doctor smiles.

Ryan walks with the lady down the driveway.

"So, call me Jackie and let me bum a smoke," She says, sitting down on the curb.

"What?" He asks after a beat.

"I work with teenagers all day, I know you smoke. Cough it up, kid."

Ryan passes her a cigarette and she lights it. He lights one of his own.

"Kirsten would kill me if she caught us," Jackie says. Ryan nods. She waits a long moment. "You really don't talk much. Come on, I'm getting paid for this so make me earn my money. Who are you and when did Kirsten get another kid?"

"What did Kirsten tell you?" Ryan asks slowly.

"That her son was cutting himself and needed help."

Ryan sighs. "Sandy's my attorney. He got my case when I got busted stealing a car."

"You stole a car?"

"My brother, Trey, he was the…yeah. I stole a car. Sandy gave me his card and when my Mom kicked me out, I called him." He pauses.

"Go ahead, Ryan. I'll pick apart your words later," She urges.

"Okay. So I stayed here and…I ran away and burned down this model home and…" He sighs, unable to listen to himself talk.

"Your mom, she ditched you and now you live here. Got it. What's happening now?" She asks quietly.

"I'm…I'm losing my shit." He inhales deeply off his cigarette. Jackie watches him carefully, sizing him up.

Jackie snorts after a long moment. "I need a little more, kid."

He sighs. "So, I've got this sweet life, now, right? Straight A's at this nice school. I'm getting an essay published and I've got the prettiest girl in town all over me and a real family for the first time in my life and…"

"You melted down," She says.

"No. I mean…" He takes a long moment to put his words together. "It's just cutting…it's not…I'm not suicidal but…there was this fight at the soccer game and Seth, he saw my cuts and…" Ryan whispers.

"What'd you do?" Jackie asks.

"I told him…I mean, it's Seth…I told him and he told me that I should go to his parents…"

"Aren't they your parents now, too?" She asks.

Ryan is quiet. "I don't know. So I ran. But…"

"You came back."

"I don't have anywhere else to go," He whispers. "And I want this to be home."

Jackie nods.

"So you're going to make me all better?" Ryan asks, looking at her.

She sighs. "There's nothing wrong with you, Ryan. You're maintaining your balance the only way you know how. You cut because it relieves all the pressure you've got inside. The pain, it's probably comforting for you?" Ryan nods slightly and she continues. "It's familiar to you. But it's not…it's not healthy, Ryan. It's not normal. It's not okay."

"I know…but…I don't know what…I don't know how to be…I just don't belong here…I feel like I'm coming apart…" He breathes.

"Why, Ryan? I mean, do you know?" She asks him quietly.

"The longer I stay here…with the Cohens…in this life…the more I feel sick."

"This is your life, Ryan. It shouldn't make you sick," Jackie replies.

Ryan is silent.

"So what are you going to do?"

Ryan speaks slowly. "I'm going to shake this off and keep moving."

"You're just going to shake this off. Does that work?" She asks.

"Yeah," He answers.

"Where's your mom, Ryan?"

"Gone."

"Dad?"

"Jail," Ryan replies. "My family history could be a 'Cops' clip show."

"But you're…you're not like them."

"I know," Ryan replies.

"You're a smart kid. I've got that much." She stands up. He offers her another cigarette and she accepts, lighting it. "Why do you think Sandy and Kirsten took you in?"

Ryan pauses. "Sandy thinks…he thinks that I'm like him, like, I'm special or something. And Kirsten…I don't know why she lets me stay…" He answers honestly. "Because of Seth, I guess."

"You don't think she wants you here?" Jackie asks.

"I've never brought anything into her home but trouble. I mean, she's great, she's awesome but I don't expect her to want me," He snorts. "I'm here because I don't have anywhere else to go and they pity me."

"Ryan, I don't know you, but I know Kirsten. She wouldn't have you around if she didn't love you," Jackie says quietly.

"Seth…he's more of a brother to me than my real one. Kirsten doesn't want to do anything that's going to alienate her from him. He gets what he wants," Ryan mutters.

"Okay, Ryan. I'm here to try and find out why you have to hurt yourself to feel normal. When's the first time you remember doing it? The cutting?"

He doesn't reply.

"Don't shut down on me now, Ryan."

"God…I must have been like…ten or something. I got drunk and thought I wanted to off myself." He pauses, thoughtful at his confession. "But I was shaking so much and I missed my vein completely…but just the sight of blood…it helped. So…when I'd get shaky…I'd just cut a little…and I'd be okay again."

"Do you drink?" She asks.

"Socially. Not…not like my mom or dad. I watch myself," He replies.

"Drugs?"

"I don't drink but you think I do drugs? No. I don't." He is defensive now.

"Okay, Ryan. I didn't mean to offend you. We were actually talking for a while there." She sits back down beside him. She looks at him.

He sighs. "I don't want to die, Jackie. I don't want to screw this up and I don't know how to fix this. Things have been out of control in my life for months, since I got arrested and now…when stuff seems to be going okay…I have to be able to fix this…"

"Fix what? What are you going to fix, Ryan?"

Ryan takes a deep breath. He looks at Jackie curiously. "I'm talking to you because the Cohens think you can fix me. Don't get confused about what's going on here. I know that something's wrong with me, I'm not the one that thinks it can be fixed."

"Let's go inside," Jackie says, standing up and offering him a hand.

He accepts her hand and they walk to the door.

"You look half dead so I'm willing to let you rest for tonight. Will you come and talk to me some more?"

"Can you help me?"

"Will you let me?" She asks in return. He meets her gaze evenly.

"I'm trying."

"Good," She smiles, following him inside.

"Jackie! Did you let him smoke?" Kirsten accuses immediately.

*****

"Ryan. Is it okay if I talk to the Cohens about you? I'd like to take a look at your file," Jackie says once they are inside.

Ryan shrugs. "I don't have to hang out for all that, do I?"

"You can go lie down, Ryan. Seth's waiting in the pool house with some more food for you," Kirsten says.

"He thinks you're thin," Sandy nods.

"I'm not thin," Ryan replies, smiling slightly.

"You can't tell Seth or Rosa any different," Kirsten insists. Ryan shakes Jackie's hand politely and disappears to the pool house.

Jackie sits down.

"Did he talk to you?" Kirsten asks.

"A little. He's like, emotionally fractured, Kirsten. I mean…I could tell that he was really trying to be honest with me but his face was blank and his eyes were just…controlled. He's a kid with too many years on him."

"Are you a real doctor?" Sandy asks immediately.

"Where'd you get him, guys?" Jackie questions.

"Jackie, it doesn't matter, Ryan's my son, now…" Kirsten starts.

"He doesn't think so. He thinks you tolerate him because he's good with Seth. Ryan is trying so hard to be Seth's hero and Sandy's protegee and your charity case that he can't even tell you that he's breaking down," Jackie says quietly.

"Jackie, what are you talking about? Did he say that?" Sandy asks.

"No, but that's what I get," She replies quietly. She opens the file that Sandy offers her.

"You think he's breaking down?" Sandy asks.

"If Seth hadn't seen his cuts, I don't think anyone would ever know that he does it. He's good at hiding his emotions."

"Can you help him?" Kirsten asks, tears on her face.

"You guys have to help him, too. He's got huge issues with family…you've done something right though, because he values what you guys think over everything else. He really wants to be a part of your family, but he doesn't think that he's supposed to be here."

"You talked to him ten minutes, Jackie," Sandy says.

"I just want you guys to know that you're going to have to be there for him," She says.

"We are. Anything we can do," Sandy replies.

"Good. He can come by tomorrow, say four o'clock?"

Kirsten walks Jackie to the door.

Sandy embraces Kirsten when she returns.

"How do I show him that I love him, Sandy? How do we make him better?" Kirsten asks.

"Let's go say goodnight, okay?" Sandy suggests. They knock quietly on the pool house door and Seth waves them inside.

"He's sleeping. Wouldn't eat but he had some juice," Seth whispers. Ryan is asleep, facedown on the bed. Kirsten lays a blanket across him and leads Sandy and Seth back into the main house.

*****