AN: Just a little update. Everything else is still on hold.
*****
Ryan settles back into life with the Cohens. Seth deals with Ryan's breakdown by treating him exactly the same and it seems to work for them. They are still closer than brothers. Sandy and Kirsten take a stronger interest in Ryan's academics after meeting with Dr. Kim. He had accepted the new schedule agreed on by the Cohens and Dr. Kim and seems to be keeping up with his studies. Sandy had been disappointed when Ryan dropped off the soccer team but Ryan's state of mind is more important. Ryan sees Jackie twice a week but rarely discusses his sessions with the Cohens. He is back to normal. He doesn't start dating Marissa again, but she visits almost daily.
*****
Kirsten is in the kitchen a few weeks after Ryan's return. She notices lights on in the poolhouse and a telling cloud of smoke from beside it. It's after midnight on a school night so she decides to investigate.
"Ryan? It's late. What are you doing out here?" She calls.
He doesn't respond immediately. "Honestly?" His voice is hoarse from the shadows.
Kirsten hesitates. "Yeah."
"Smoking," He says, stepping out of the shadow of the pool house.
She relaxes. "Okay. Is everything okay?" She instinctively puts her arm around him. He doesn't flinch and lets her lead him to the patio.
"Jackie says I should talk to you guys more," Ryan says slowly.
"Okay…about what?"
Ryan sits down, flipping a lighter nervously in his trembling hands. Kirsten hasn't seen him this unguarded since the night he came back after disappearing.
"I started smoking when I was nine, Kirsten. When you told me to quit…I don't think I told you, it was like, a six-year habit," He says quietly.
"I should have asked," She acknowledges, surprised.
Ryan is silent. Kirsten gives him a small smile but he just sighs.
Finally he speaks. "I'm a little shaky."
"Want to talk about it?"
"I don't know why. I guess…things are so calm that I'm just expecting a storm."
"Haven't things been better?"
"Things are great, Kirsten. You and Sandy have been, like, double-nice lately and Seth is still, like, my best friend…"
"But you're still waiting for the storm," Kirsten realizes.
"Am I doing okay?" Ryan asks quietly.
"You're doing great, Ryan. You don't have to prove anything to us…we love you just like you are."
He nods solemnly. "Can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"If my mom came back…" He whispers. "Would you make me go with her?"
"I wouldn't make you do anything, Ryan. Sandy and I would…we would try and do what's best for you."
"What's best…" He mutters. "I'd have to go with her if she asked me."
"Ryan, I hate that you're separated from your mother but, I'm glad that you're here with us and not her. It might be selfish, but I hope she doesn't come back," Kirsten says honestly.
He smiles slightly at her. "She's my mom and I have to love her. Unconditionally."
"You can love her, Ryan. But you're old enough now to look out for yourself and…she might not be good for you," Kirsten says slowly.
"She's not good for me," Ryan replies.
"Why would you 'have' to go with her, Ryan?"
"Because she's my mother. I belong to her."
"Ryan, you're a person, not property," Kirsten says slowly.
Ryan glances at her.
"What?" Kirsten urges.
"Nothing."
"No, you were going to say something."
"She used to tell me that I belonged to her. She made me and I was bound to her."
"Bound?"
"That way, her problems were my problems. He debts were my debts. I was an extension of her." Ryan pauses. "That's one reason I'm so shaky here. I guess…it's the first time that I'm on my own…like, it's just me."
"Is that wrong?" Kirsten asks.
"It's not wrong, it's just different. I'm used to blending into the background. Stay quiet and invisible and nobody gets hurt. But here, it's like, I'm on display. Everyone wants to know what makes me tick…who I am…but I don't know…" Ryan whispers. "I don't know who I'm supposed to be now…"
"You're Ryan. Ryan Atwood."
"What does that mean to you?" He asks quietly.
"You're smart. Sweet. Loyal. You'll do anything to help your friends…" Kirsten starts immediately. "You're Ryan."
He nods.
"What does it mean to you, Ryan?"
"I don't know," He replies.
"You want to come inside?"
"I think I'm just going to lie down. I've got school tomorrow," He sighs.
"Okay. Try and get some sleep, okay?" Kirsten stands up and embraces him, holding him for a long moment. "Really. Sleep, okay?"
"I'll try. Thanks."
She watches as he returns to the pool house and turns out all the lights. She goes into the main house.
"What are you doing outside?" Sandy asks, finding her in the kitchen.
"Talking to Ryan. He was out, smoking, and I went to check on him," Kirsten replies.
"Is he okay?" Sandy asks immediately.
"He said he was a little shaky. He talked a little. He asked what would happen to him if his mother came back…if we would make him go with her," Kirsten adds.
"What did you say?" Sandy asks.
"I said that if it ever came to that, that we'd do what was best for him," Kirsten replies. "I didn't know what to say. He said that he would have to go with her if she came because…because he belongs to her."
"He doesn't belong to her, he's not a piece of property," Sandy mutters. "Why did he say that?"
"He said that she told him that he was bound to her," Kirsten replies. "He says he's been smoking since he was nine, Sandy…nine years old and he was smoking."
"He's had a hard life. I can't even imagine what he went through before he came here…" Sandy starts.
"Let's go to bed. We'll talk to him in the morning," Kirsten sighs.
*****
Sandy and Kirsten are alone in the kitchen the next morning.
"There must be a reason he's worrying about his mom coming back…" Sandy thinks aloud.
"Maybe he's been talking to Jackie about her…" Kirsten responds. They didn't hear the door from outside until Ryan closes it behind him.
"Hey," Ryan says.
"Morning, Ryan," Kirsten smiles.
"Dawn's been calling me," Ryan states quietly. "I heard you guys talking…"
"She's called you?" Sandy asks.
"I didn't say anything last night because…" Ryan starts.
"It's okay, Ryan, you're telling us now," Kirsten says.
"Ryan, what does she want?" Sandy asks suddenly.
He sighs, sitting down. "She says she misses me. Says she needs me."
"She needs you? Who?" Seth walks in, dressed for school.
"My mom," Ryan answers indifferently.
"What does she need you for? She ditched you, she should've thought about that before…" Seth mutters.
"Seth," Sandy scolds.
"Sorry," He apologizes.
"Did she say where she is?" Kirsten asks.
Ryan's face flickers with anger for a moment. "She's at AJ's. Back in Chino."
The kitchen is silent.
"Do you want me to get her to stop calling you?" Sandy asks.
Ryan glances at him. "I don't know…"
"Is she bothering you?" Kirsten asks.
Ryan hesitates, clearly uncomfortable.
"Maybe he needs some time to think about it," Seth offers.
"Okay. That's fine," Sandy says.
"I need to go see her," Ryan says quietly.
"What?" Seth asks first.
"She's just going to keep calling if I don't go see her," Ryan says. "I just need to see her."
"Okay. Let's have breakfast," Kirsten says, trying to break the tension. The Cohens are all shaken by Ryan's final words.
*****
"Seth." Ryan stops him after school.
"Yeah?" Seth asks, sensing Ryan's veiled emotion.
"I'm going to take a quick ride to Chino," He says.
"Is that a good idea?"
"Probably not. But…I have to go. I'll meet you back at the house later, okay?"
"You don't want me to go with you?"
"No thanks, man. It's just something I need to do."
*****
Jackie encourages Ryan's visits to his mother after the first trip. Ryan doesn't speak of the visits but Jackie believes that the interaction with Dawn will help him deal with his pent-up issues. Seth realizes that Ryan is becoming quiet again, much like when he melted down the first time. It's been three weeks since his first visit to Dawn when Seth follows him to the poolhouse.
Ryan is sitting on his bed with his hand over his face.
"Hey. You okay?"
"Yeah."
"Really? Because I don't think I believe you," Seth replies.
Ryan glances at him.
"You feel like talking about it?"
"I feel like all I do is talk," Ryan mutters.
"Okay, but you never really talk about the important stuff, Ryan. Like what's got you all broody again," Seth says slowly.
Seth sits down beside him.
Ryan sighs. "I tried to tell Jackie today…but I couldn't…" He whispers.
"Tell her what?" Seth urges, sensing the importance. Ryan won't meet Seth's gaze. "Come on, man. You can trust me…"
"I have to do something, Seth…and I really don't want to…but I don't know what else to do, you know?" Ryan whispers.
"Bounce it off me, Ryan. I can listen, I promise I won't say anything until you're finished…" Seth offers.
Ryan is trembling slightly. "Dude, seriously…will you not talk about this? I mean…can I just explain this to you?"
"Sure, Ryan. I'm listening…" Seth says.
"So…I've been going to see my mom…Jackie says it's a good idea, that it's helping me work out my issues and shit…but she doesn't know what happens when I go to see her…she doesn't know my mom and…" Ryan's voice is low and serious. He rolls the sleeve of his shirt back slightly to reveal fresh scars on his arms. Circular scars that could only have been made by a cigarette.
"Wait, Ryan…wait, just a second. I just want to be clear…" Seth interrupts.
"I didn't do this. Seth. I swear…" Ryan says.
"I believe you, Ryan. Your mom?"
Ryan nods slowly. "She only does it sometimes but…the things she says to me…I don't want to see her anymore, Seth…I don't want to listen to her anymore…"
"You haven't told anyone?"
"I just take it, Seth…I mean…I'm sixteen, I'm not a fucking kid anymore…I let her do this to me…so it's like my fault…" Ryan mutters.
"This isn't your fault, Ryan, she's hurting you…"
"I'm too old for this…" Ryan mutters. "It's ridiculous…"
"Ryan. What are you thinking?" Seth asks.
"I'm thinking that I don't want to see my mother anymore and the only way I can do that is…is to pick a fight with AJ…" Ryan whispers.
"Can't you just stop going to see her?"
"It's not that easy…" Ryan mutters.
"Okay. Let's think about this rationally…" Seth says slowly. "You don't want to see your mother anymore and you don't want to tell my parents about it."
"How do you think this makes me look? Like a pathetic abused kid…" Ryan says quietly.
"Do you really think that they think of you like that? Because they don't. They want what's best for you and I guarantee that if they knew about this, they would find a way to keep her away from you," Seth says slowly.
"It was my decision to go see her. If I had taken Sandy up on his offer to keep her from calling me then none of this would have happened…" Ryan murmurs.
"Dude, this isn't your fault, you just wanted to see your mother, you can't help it that she's mean to you. Come on, dude, you know this is wrong."
"I know. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do about it…you think I should tell your parents…"
"Yeah. As a sign of trust. You trust me to give you good advice, right?"
Ryan nods slowly. "Yeah. Tell your parents. Don't get into a fight with AJ…even though it would solve the problem without getting anyone else involved…"
"Dude, you could seriously get hurt and that wouldn't be cool for anyone, you know? Why would you challenge him, Ry, if you know he'll hurt you?"
"Ma always puts her boyfriend first. She'll choose AJ over me if it comes down to it…she always has before…I thought I could just get him pissed and then she'd leave me alone…" Ryan sighs. He meets Seth's eyes. "Bad idea, huh?"
"Yeah, I'd say so," Seth smiles slightly. "Do you want to talk to Jackie about it first?"
"I think I'd rather tell your parents and see what they recommend. Trust, right?" Ryan asks.
"Yeah," Seth smiles. "You want me to come with you while you talk to them?"
"I need to do it alone. Are they in the house?"
"Mom is. Dad's not home yet."
"Maybe if I talk to Kirsten I can keep the legalities out of it. You think she'll freak?"
"Yeah, I think she's definitely going to freak out, but she'll get over it. Go on. I'll wait for you out here."
"Thanks, Seth. I mean it. Thanks for listening…"
"Thanks for talking. I mean, you feel a little better, don't you?"
"Yeah, Seth. I do."
*****
