Chapter 9—Wish Upon A Shikon
Or…the Orange of Doom apologizes in advance for the sheer idiocy contained with this chapter as she falls even further into degradation and insanity as she attempts to write without grammar, style, or common sense.
Forgive me. That should be grammer.
Disclaimer: Fortunately, I don't own Inu-Yasha. If I did, I think I would shoot myself after reading how horribly Suethors butcher my masterpiece.
***Jade Vision***
I was really, really getting sick of Style, who solemnly refused to stop speaking in haiku. At least the grammar was correct.
"I think that we are/Getting closer to the end/Of our long journey," she said. I ignored this, since I didn't see how a five-minute walk could be called a long journey. Must be poetic license…
***Style Vision***
I think that she is/Getting irritated with/My brilliant work.
I wonder if she/Has long been with tEh 3VIiL/Whom I call the Sue?
She seems much angered/I imagine that she was/With her far too long.
Amazing! She speaks/Telling me to be quiet/Before she kills me.
Such violence is not/Right…I need more syllables/To finish this off.
***Sesshoumaru Vision***
I wondered vaguely why Grammar was twitching every few seconds, but decided very quickly that I didn't care. After she corrected me for the twelfth time, though, I realized that to remain in-character, something had to be done.
***Grammar Vision***
I'm not really sure why the author keeps switching between past and present tense. Nor am I sure why Sesshoumaru is scowling. Perhaps it was something I said?
Did he just growl? I'm not sure if that's grammatically proper or not…are there special exceptions for dog demons…or should that be inuyoukai, from Fangirl Japanese? Should 'Fangirl Japanese' be capitalized? Should 'inuyoukai' be italicized? Should my right eye be twitching?
And why are his eyes glowing? Why did I start that sentence with a conjunction? Why—
***Sesshoumaru Vision***
I had to admit that it was satisfying to drop Grammar off that cliff. Chances are that she survived, of course, because she is a goddess of sorts. I would have killed her myself, but apparently that would give those hellish Sues far more power.
"Sesshy!" The shrill voice grated my ears. "Sesshy, look!" I turned, dreading the sight that I knew awaited my still-glowing eyes. Indeed, there was a Sue, her long dark hair shining stupidly in the glow that I suspected she herself was giving off. In her petite, thin-boned hands she clutched what appeared, to my surprise, to be the Shikon Jewel.
I knew, however, that my brother's woman and the demon Naraku had most of the Jewel. Clearly, something was wrong.
"Sesshy, I got the Jewel! Now I can be a full demon and you can marry me!"
Since when do demons get married, I wondered. And since when was I even interested in this idiot?
Without hesitating, I drew my blade and sliced the Sue's head off. The false Jewel disappeared even as the Sue dissolved into a puff of pink glitter.
My face impassive, I turned back towards my path, ignoring the telltale perfumed scent that meant that even more Sues were hot on my trail—probably all with their own fake Shikon shards, which most definitely didn't make their owners any stronger.
***Jade Vision***
In the end, I had to gag Style to get her to shut up. Despite my efforts, though, she kept talking.
"Mmph-mmph-mmphum-mmph/mm mmphum mm-hmm mmphum/mmph mmph mmmmphum!"
I ignored that, deciding instead to focus on the rather battered miko who was sitting by the side of the road glaring at me. I couldn't hear her saying anything, but her thoughts seemed to be mostly about ellipsis.
***Grammar Vision***
That bastard…er…that baka…no, no fangirl—Fangirl—Japanese…is that right? Should I take out some of those ellipsis? What's making that muffled sound? And do I need a few nice, long complex sentences in here? Were those commas correct? And I really shoud do something about all these ellipsis…
***Style Vision***
Is that not Grammar/Who sits there scowling as if/She was quite confused?
I wonder if she/Has recently escaped a/Sue or other beast?
And why is she so/Upset about ellipsis/Place syllables here.
I need to be more/Creative about what I/Say in these haiku.
***Grammar Vision***
The first person hurts my mind…augh! Ellipsis! MUST-DESTROY-ELLIPSIS! MUST-HYPHENATE-WORDS-THAT-ARE-IMPROPERLY-CAPITALIZED. Or, should, I use, too, many, commas?
The, commas, burn, my brain,!!!11!one!
***Jade Vision***
These people are all nutcases. And could we stick with a single person's viewpoint for at least five sentences for once?
***Grammar Vision***
That, does it.
I must, take, a stand. I must grab the bull by the horns, the wolf by the ears, the tiger
by the tail, and various and sundry other clichés. I must do something, about this horrible writ,ing and end, my turn speaking,
as this is my fourth sentence, and I should try to obey ,the limit, set upon
such things.
***Style Vision***
If only there was/Some way of getting this thing's/Point of View restored!
***Jade Vision***
This is ridiculous. Style keeps grunting in syllabic sets that sound suspiciously like they could be haiku, and Grammar is using commas as if she was addicted to them. Isn't one of the handmaidens of Canonica supposed to be Point of View? What the hell did she do to cause this mess?
***And, in a burst of foreshadowing that creates an enormous plot hole, the story switches back to third person without any sort of explanation***
***Random asterisks here for no reason at all***
***There is no more Jade Vision, so the following symbols will be used to indicate who's thinking: (…) is Jade, *…* is Sesshy-san, +…+ is Grammar, !!!one1!!!...!!!one1!!! is Style, ***…*** is the author, who thinks saying that 'he thought' and 'she thought' are overly complicated.***
Jade sighed in relief, noting with glee that not only was point of view restored but that the author had already forgotten the daft thought system she had dreamed up. Two of the handmaidens of Canonica, Grammar and Style, had been rescued from the Sues, even though Grammar seemed to think that she'd met somebody almost as terrifying. Happily, though, she had declined further comment, choosing instead to berate her sister Style about the slashes she used when denoting line changes in her haiku.
*~*~*those funky chapter-ending marks*~*~*
Orange of Doom's Notes: Personally, I'm thrilled that Style and Grammar are back in the picture, as it makes my job much easier. For starters, it gives me an excuse to revert to my regular writing style (I'm a grammar nazi at heart). It also means that I'll get fewer headaches from trying to force myself to overuse commas.
Spelling, unfortunately, isn't a handmaiden of Canonica and is therefore fair game, as it were. sO ph33r m3 (or some of my characters, as the case may be) 4 i sp33k teh 3vil!!1!one
Dammit, that makes my head hurt even worse than the commas did…
