"…Prepare myself for a war
And I don't know what I'm doing this for
Trying to let it all go
But how can I when you still don't know?"
-Damien Rice
Ryan doesn't join Seth, Marissa and Summer for the beach, he says he's too tired. He doesn't want to take his shirt off in public yet. He goes into the house and eats to satisfy Kirsten and then returns to the poolhouse to sleep more.
*****
"I am telling you the truth. I don't want to see you anymore."
"You're letting those rich bastards talk for you. Like you're their hired help. They pay you to baby-sit that freak kid of theirs…"
"It's my decision."
"It's not your fucking decision. I have a say in it, too. You're mine. You belong to me. Give me one goddamn reason…"
"You bring me down, Ma."
"What the fuck are you saying? Those people, they're twisting your head up, telling you lies about what they can do for you, can't you see that they're turning you against me?"
"If you call me again, I'll tell the Cohens everything."
"What the hell? You're going to narc on me? You ungrateful punk, I should fuck you up for even saying that…"
"Don't threaten me."
"That's not a threat, it's a fucking promise. I'm your mother, you're my fucking son and if I want to see you, I'll fucking see you one way or the other…"
"I'm not afraid of you."
"Fuck you. I can't believe you're turning on me, I'm your fucking mother! Don't you ever forget that! You're my son. Mine. I can get custody back in an instant, and I'd do it, just so I can remind you of your fucking place in this world…"
"I'll tell them everything, Ma. What you're on, what you're doing for money."
"Fuck you. You'd never tell them that, you wouldn't want them to know your mother's a whore, would you? You might not be their little golden boy, their little perfect son, their fucking charity case, you wouldn't want them to know how fucking dirty and worthless you are, the things you've done…you're a fucking traitor, trash, just like your father…"
"It's done. Just forget about me, Ma."
"You wish I could forget about you. You're like poison that's soaked into everything I do. You're such a fucking disappointment, always doing shit to see how much fucking damage you can cause, you're a fucking waste of flesh. Fuck. I hope you fucking die."
"Yeah. You, too."
*****
"Ryan? Ryan, honey?" Kirsten's gentle voice snaps into his daydream suddenly. He glances around. He's sitting on the bathroom floor.
"Ryan?" Kirsten calls.
"I'll be out in a second," Ryan replies. His hands are slick with blood. He doesn't remember cutting himself. He doesn't have a razor in the poolhouse, the Cohens make him shave in the house.
He stands up and looks at himself in the mirror. Blood is on both his arms and is staining his shirt.
"Are you okay?" Kirsten asks, her voice more concerned.
"Um…" Ryan mutters.
"Open the door, Ryan," Kirsten calls.
Ryan doesn't answer, he's searching his body for wounds. The door swings open.
"Not locked…" She says to herself. She gasps when she sees Ryan.
"I don't know…" Ryan murmurs, his eyes glazed slightly. Something's wrong with him. He doesn't feel okay. He was okay earlier, but he's not okay now.
"Let me see, Ryan. Let me see," Kirsten takes his arms and pushes up his sleeves. "What did you use? Where did you cut?"
"I don't know…" Ryan mutters, confused. He doesn't know what happened. He couldn't sleep so he remembers getting up to go to the bathroom and then he heard Kirsten calling his name.
"Ryan, it's your hand," Kirsten says quietly.
"I don't remember doing it," Ryan murmurs.
"You didn't. Calm down, Ryan, look…" Kirsten holds his hand under the faucet and washes the blood from his hand. The hand that he had slashed a few days earlier is bleeding sluggishly. "Ryan, you didn't do it, you just damaged the scab and it started bleeding…what happened?"
"I don't…" Ryan starts, dazed.
"You've got blood all over you, Ryan," Kirsten acknowledges. "Do you remember what happened?"
Ryan shudders and pulls his hand away from her. "I need to get clean. I need to wash this blood off…" All his brain can tell him clearly right now is to get clean.
"Ryan…" Kirsten protests, not wanting to leave him alone.
"I have to wash this off," Ryan states.
"Okay, Ryan. I'll be right outside. If you're not out in ten minutes, I'm coming back in," Kirsten says.
"Fine," Ryan says.
Kirsten ignores his trembling and walks out of the bathroom. She pulls out her cell phone and starts to call Jackie but hesitates.
The bathroom door opens slightly. "Kirsten?"
"Yes, honey?" She answers immediately.
"Can you…will you call Jackie? I think I need to see her…or talk to her…" Ryan says quietly.
"Of course. Take your shower," Kirsten says, relieved.
"Thanks…" He closes the door.
*****
"What's up? How's the kid?" Jackie answers, recognizing Kirsten's number on her phone.
"Not so good. He asked me to call you…"
"He asked you to call me? What happened?" Jackie asks immediately.
"He stayed home while Seth and some friends went to the beach and I came out to check on him and I found him in the bathroom, covered in blood…"
"Is he cutting?"
"Not that I could see, it was like he didn't remember, Jackie. His hand was bleeding again from where he cut it the other night and he bled everywhere…it was like…he really thought he had cut himself and he can't remember, it was like he was looking for a wound but he didn't feel the pain," Kirsten says quickly.
"Calm down, Kiki. I can't come right now, I'm across town but I want to talk to him. He really asked for me?"
"Yeah. I was about to call you but I thought that he would get mad…and then he asked me to call you…what are you thinking?"
"I don't know, Kirsten, the kid's been off the charts for the last couple of days. It could be that he's finally breaking down completely…I won't know until I see him…"
"Breaking down? What do you mean?"
"It's been building a while, Kirsten. The only reason he started therapy was because of Seth catching him cutting and I think it started him on a spiral. He doesn't have anything that's private anymore 'cause we're always checking up on him and after the other night, I don't think he can handle it anymore…"
"What should I do?" Kirsten asks.
"I could be wrong, Kiki. He could be fine…"
"I don't know…" Kirsten sighs.
"Relax. Just listen to him if he wants to talk. Don't treat him like a damaged kid, treat him like, a normal kid…"
"Okay, Jackie. I'll get him to call you as soon as he's ready."
"I'll come over as soon as I'm done…"
"You don't have to do that…"
"God, you're paying me more than my entire practice combined. Besides, the kid's grown on me. I want him to be okay, too," Jackie admits.
*****
Ryan gets out of the shower and dresses in the clean clothes that Kirsten laid out for him. His hands are still shaking as he bandages his hand. It doesn't hurt but it is still oozing blood.
Something's wrong. He can't seem to get a handle on his emotions. He blacked out and came to covered in blood. He's never done that before. It's almost like he needed to cut so bad that his consciousness shut down and his subconscious took over. He isn't in control.
"Ryan? You okay?" Kirsten's voice calls from outside.
"Yeah. I'm coming out," Ryan says. He runs his good hand through his hair and steps out into the poolhouse. Kirsten embraces him with a hug immediately. He stiffens but eventually puts his arms around her and returns the hug.
"You scared me. Are you all right, Ryan?"
"Yeah," He says. "I'm all right. I'll be okay."
"You sure?" She asks as she releases him.
"Yeah. I'm just…shaky. I don't know…I don't remember what happened to my hand…" Ryan admits. His voice has dropped to a whisper. Kirsten takes his arm and guides him to the couch. She sits down beside him.
"What do you remember?" Kirsten asks gently.
"I…I had to go to the bathroom so I got up and then…then you were calling me and I…I snapped out of my…"
"Snapped out of your what?"
"I guess I spaced out…"
"What were you thinking about, Ryan? When you spaced?" Kirsten asks.
Ryan doesn't reply. He opens his mouth to speak but closes it again. He closes his eyes.
"Ryan?" Kirsten calls. She puts a hand on his shoulder.
"I was…I don't remember…" He replies finally.
"Ryan…" She sighs.
"I can't…" He whispers. He starts to stand up but she keeps her hand on his shoulder, keeping him sitting. She holds out her cell phone. He doesn't try to get up again.
"Jackie can't come right now but she's expecting your call," Kirsten says.
"I'm okay…I don't need…"
"Call her, Ryan. You wanted to talk to her before you got in the shower and I…she wants to talk to you, too…" Kirsten says.
"I don't…I don't want Seth and the girls to see me like this…" Ryan murmurs. "I can't…"
"You want to come inside and let me make you some tea?" She asks gently.
"I think…I think I need to be alone…"
"I don't want to leave you alone when you're this…shaky, Ryan…" Kirsten admits.
Ryan's eyes are dull when he meets her gaze.
"Please call Jackie," Kirsten says quietly.
Ryan takes the cell phone from her but he is shaking so badly that he drops it. Kirsten picks it up and holds it out to him but he doesn't take it. Before her eyes, she sees him regain control. He stops shaking and his eyes harden. He takes a couple of unsteady breaths and meets her gaze. "I'm okay."
"What was that?" She asks. "You were…and now…" She starts.
"I'm okay. You want me to have tea?" He asks.
"Come on, Ryan. Come inside," Kirsten says. He follows her into the house.
*****
Ryan sits silently at the counter drinking the steaming green tea that Kirsten makes for him. He doesn't meet her concerned gaze. She stands by the stove, watching him. Her cell phone rings and she answers it immediately.
"Kirsten Cohen."
"Kiki? What's going on? I thought you were going to call me right back…" Jackie asks immediately.
"Hang on, Jackie," Kirsten says. She holds out the phone to Ryan. Ryan shakes his head and refuses. Kirsten sets the phone down on the counter in front of him. "Talk to her."
Ryan sighs. He puts the phone to his ear.
"Kiki? What's going on?" Jackie is asking.
"Hey."
"Hey, yourself. What's going on?"
"Nothing."
"We're going through this again? Come on, kid. You asked Kiki to call me so you must have something to say…"
"No, it's cool. I'm cool," Ryan mutters.
"Ryan. I want you to look at Kirsten." Jackie pauses and Ryan glances up at Kirsten. "You see how worried she is? She found you in your bathroom covered in blood, kid. Please talk to me. What happened today?" Ryan looks back down at his tea.
"I don't know. I spaced out. Woke up and found that I had split my hand open again…" Ryan says quietly.
"Why'd you want to talk to me?"
"I…I don't know…" Ryan murmurs.
"Are you feeling stressed? Is something…"
"I don't know, Jackie. I'm sorry to bother you on a Saturday…"
"Damn, kid, you know I'd be there if I could, don't you? I want to help you but I need you to help me, too and you haven't really been doing that lately…"
"I'm sorry…" Ryan mutters.
"Stop. I can tell that you've already shut me out again, I guess I missed my window of opportunity…"
"Here's Kirsten," Ryan says, handing the phone to Kirsten and stepping outside of the house onto the patio.
"Jackie?" Kirsten sighs.
"Did he say anything to you?"
"I got about as far as you did before he shut down," Kirsten admits.
"Okay. I'll come by when I get back into town. Make me dinner?"
"Believe me, you don't want that. I'll order something in. Thai?"
"Mark me down. He'll get there, Kirsten. We just have to wait him out," She adds.
"I'm waiting as patiently as I can." She lowers her voice. She keeps her eyes on Ryan who is still standing on the patio. "He was shaking and he could barely talk when he got out of the shower and it was like he flipped a switch, and he was normal again. He stopped shaking and was fine…it was the creepiest thing I've ever seen," She says.
"Yeah, he's good at shutting off his emotions like that. The fact that he didn't have control when he was talking to you at first, that's new for him. Usually, he's totally controlled when he talks to us. He's starting to let his guard down around us and that's good…but like I said, he's not there yet. We can't do anything but wait and hope he comes to us…"
"Okay, Jackie. I'll keep you updated. I'll see you at dinner," Kirsten says, hanging up.
Ryan steps back inside as she slips the phone into her pocket.
"I'm sorry, Kirsten, for worrying you again…" Ryan says quietly.
"That's okay, honey. We just want what's best for you. More tea?"
"Actually, can I crash?" Ryan asks.
"Sure. It's Saturday, you can do whatever you want…I'll tell Seth and the girls that you want some time alone. But I'll check on you in a few minutes, anyway," Kirsten smiles.
"Thanks. I'll…I'll let you know if I need anything."
*****
