AN: This is about done. I'm not sure yet. Maybe an epilogue later. Thanks for all the reviews and for the readers who have hung tough with me on this one. I tried to stick with inspirational lyrics using the word "go" but I had to include this tidbit since it's the song that inspired it all. "Footsteps" by Pearl Jam. Let me know what you think if you have time. Hope you enjoy!
"I've got scratches all over my arms
one for each day since I fell apart"
--Pearl Jam
Ryan wakes up with a gasp. It's dark outside and he's drenched in sweat. He doesn't remember what the nightmare was about but it doesn't really matter. It's the residual feeling from the dream that's got him shaking. He gets up and goes into the bathroom. He washes his face and runs a shaking hand through his hair.
"Ryan?" Seth's voice breaks into the bathroom.
Ryan steps out. "Hey, man."
"What happened to you today? When we got back, mom said you needed some alone time. Everything okay?"
"Yeah. I'm okay."
"You sure? 'Cause Jackie's inside," Seth says, sitting down on the edge of his bed.
"Yeah. I figured," Ryan sighs.
"You want to talk about it?"
"No, Seth. But thanks. How was the beach?"
"Entertaining. Beach equals girls in swimsuits. Very entertaining. What happened to you?" Seth asks quietly.
"I don't want to talk about it, Seth."
"Dude, you never want to talk. I thought that was the whole point of you meeting with Jackie…to get you to start talking."
"Seth, can you just leave me alone?" Ryan asks suddenly. The poolhouse is dark but Seth can see him trembling from across the room.
"Are you sure? You're asking me to leave but it really doesn't look like you should be alone," Seth hesitates.
"I'm okay."
"Ryan. Come on, man…" Seth protests.
"I need you to give me some space, Seth."
"Oh. Okay. Sorry…"
"Don't apologize, Seth…sometimes I just can't be social…" Ryan mutters.
"That's fine, dude…but you're freaking me out. You're freaking us all out…"
"Sorry…" Ryan whispers.
"We just want you to be okay, man. But you won't talk to us…" Seth continues.
"I can't…"
"Why? Don't you trust us? Don't you want to get better?"
Ryan can't handle Seth's questions anymore. He rushes past Seth and disappears down the driveway.
"Ryan! Ryan, wait!" Seth calls after him, but Ryan is running. He's running again.
*****
"I messed up," Seth says as he steps inside the kitchen.
"What? What's going on?"
"I upset him. He took off," Seth says.
"He took off? Seth, what did you say?" Sandy asks.
"I…I just don't understand why he won't talk to us. Why he can't just tell us what's wrong," Seth says in frustration.
"Some things are deeper than words, Seth. With Ryan…it's like…he's got years worth of stuff saved up…he's never had anyone to talk to before, no one that's really been interested in what he has to say…and it's hard for him to open up those gates and let all that out…he doesn't know how," Jackie says quietly.
"So what am I supposed to do? He just took off…" Seth says.
The phone rings in the kitchen and Sandy answers it. "Hello?"
"Hey."
"Where are you?"
"Down the street. I didn't mean to take off but I had to…everything's okay, I just needed a walk…or a run…whatever…"
"So, you're okay."
"Yeah. I didn't want you to worry but I couldn't stay…" Ryan starts.
"Ryan, slow down," Sandy says quietly.
"I just need to take a walk." He hangs up abruptly.
Sandy stares at the phone in his hand.
"Was that Ryan?"
"He's taking a walk," Sandy sighs. "He says he's okay, he just needed a walk."
*****
Ryan walks into the main house later that night. Jackie, Sandy and Kirsten are sitting in the den.
"Hey, kid. Have a nice walk?" Sandy asks immediately.
"Yeah. Until I had a disagreement with a wall. I think I busted my hand," Ryan sighs, sitting down in the chair beside the couch. He holds up his swollen hand. Kirsten leans over, immediately concerned.
"What happened?" Kirsten asks.
"Did you ever have so much stuff swirling in your head that you can't get it to slow down enough for you to actually think? 'Cause I can't think. I'm thinking so much that I can't anymore," Ryan says quickly.
"What happened to your hand?" Jackie asks quietly.
"I busted it. Punched a wall. I missed the guy I was aiming for, though, so that's new, right?" Ryan mutters.
"Where'd you go?" Sandy asks.
"For a walk. I ended up down near the beach. I picked a fight with this…punk but I changed my mind before I went off on him…I don't know what I was thinking, I just needed something…I needed some kind of release…"
"So you picked a fight," Jackie nods.
"Yeah. So. I'm back. I didn't get into a fight, I walked away…I didn't cut, I didn't snap…I just walked away," Ryan whispers.
"You walked away from us, first, Ryan," Kirsten says quietly. "You walked away from the fight and we're proud of you, but you walked away from this house without talking to us about what was bothering you…"
Ryan isn't hiding his trembling. He can't stop shaking and he stopped trying a few hours earlier. "I came back. I'm trying. It's like going against everything that I've ever known…but I'm trying…" He takes a shaky breath. "I have to try harder…but I'm trying to work this out…"
"Okay, kid. Let's take you out for a smoke," Jackie says, pulling him to his feet.
"Jackie, no smoking…" Kirsten protests.
"Doctor's orders," Jackie replies. "Besides, I need one." Jackie pulls Ryan outside onto the patio.
"I'm sorry, Jackie," Ryan whispers. He's shaking too violently to light his cigarette. She lights it for him and hands it back to him.
"What's going on?"
"I don't know…" Ryan whispers.
"Ryan. What's going on?" Jackie asks urgently.
"I feel like I'm breaking into pieces…like I'm fragmenting into a million parts that I'll never get put back together again…" He inhales desperately off his cigarette.
"So what are you going to do about it?" Jackie asks.
"I'm here…I'm tired of running…I'm tired of feeling this way…I'm here, Jackie. And I have to deal with it. I'm ready to deal with it," Ryan says.
"You're exhausted again, kid," Jackie replies, taking a step toward him.
"I know…but it's different this time…I'll do whatever you say."
"Go lie down. Sleep. Keep ice on that hand. That's what I want you to do."
Ryan looks at her, confused.
"I'm glad that you're ready to take the next step. But you're in no state to deal with anything tonight. You have to rest. You need to rest."
Ryan nods silently.
"We'll work things out tomorrow, okay? Sandy and Kirsten have already invited me over for lunch and we'll talk before that. Okay?"
He nods.
"I want you to sleep. Can you promise me that you'll sleep?"
"I promise that I'll try."
"Okay, kid. You need to relax…chill. Go get ready for bed and I'll let Kiki and Sandy know that you're going to sleep."
"Can I talk to Seth first?" Ryan asks.
"He's already in bed. He was pretty upset when you ran off so he ate and went to bed. He said that he'll see you first thing in the morning," Jackie adds.
Ryan nods. "Okay. I'm going to bed."
*****
Ryan wakes up to the sound of someone raising the blinds. Sunlight floods the poolhouse.
"I figured that would get you out of bed," Seth jokes.
"What's up?" Ryan mumbles, still sleepy.
"You oversleeping, that's up. You're usually up with the sun but it's, like, noon and you're still sleeping," Seth remarks. He sits down on the edge of Ryan's rumpled bed and shakes it, causing Ryan to bounce to the other side.
"You're too chipper for it to be before noon," Ryan remarks.
"You still mad at me?"
"God, Seth, I'm not mad at you. I'm just stressed out. I'm sorry about yesterday. Things…I can't seem to keep a handle on my emotions."
Seth stares at him. "What the hell are you talking about? You always have a handle on your emotions, dude. You're like one of those statues on Easter Island."
Ryan smiles slightly. "Thanks."
"It wasn't a compliment," Seth responds.
"I know. But I appreciate it anyway," Ryan snorts.
Seth grins. "So. You seem better today."
"I feel like a huge drama queen. Like I've been fucking up my own life for the past few weeks when all I have to do is accept this…let's just say I've had my epiphany, Seth," Ryan sighs, stretching.
"Wow. Good for you. So you're back among the land of the living?"
"For the moment. Thanks, Seth. You're a good friend."
"I know. So are you," Seth smiles.
"Now. Get out of my room," Ryan laughs. "I have to get ready to face the day."
*****
