Interrogating Rose


DAY FOUR


It is early in the morning. Rose's homework was to write a critic on a movie she recently saw (before she was Interrogated by the Agents, of course). But seeing she isn't a very creative person, she decides to steal it from a comic website known as Penny Arcade because she likes Tycho's hair. So there she was, sitting at the table, writing away her little "critic" when the door opens. Smith walks in, surprised to see that she isn't chained, drugged, and drooling. He cautiously moves to the other end of the table.

"What are you doing, Miss Dincht?" he questions.

"NO! IT'S MINE! YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!" Rose sputters, grabbing the paper. Smith blinks.

"What are you writing Miss Dincht!? Is that a message to your unplugged friends!?" he snaps.

"NO! IT'S MY HOMEWORK!!!!" Rose snaps.

"GIVE ME THE MESSAGE!" Smith yells.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Rose falls over in her chair, rolls back and begins to run around the room screaming. Smith jumps out of his seat and begins to chase her. Rose jumps over the table and hides behind a chair. Smith jumps onto the table and tries to grab her, only to have the chair fly through the air and crash into his face.

"MY SUNGLASSES!!!" he shrieks as they fall to the ground, broken in half.

"HERE! TAKE THIS!" Rose snaps and throws her shoe at him. It hits Smith in the head.

"Stop that!" Smith yelled, only to dodge a coffee mug that seemingly belonged to the camera man.

Losing patience, Smith flips through the air and throws Rose into a wall, then snatched the paper.

"Now let's see...... What the hell?" he sputters as he begins to read.


Thirteen Ghosts

By: Warner Bros.
Year: 2001
System: Movie Theater

If you really want to know what happens in the movie Thirteen Ghosts, I can break it down for you.


You give the nice man eight dollars. You could have spent those eight dollars on anything.

When you take your seat, you begin to suffer almost immediately. The vague unease you felt initially about the film solidifies into all-out terror. You aren't looking at the screen, so it's probably not from there.

You will detest every character they introduce, from the moment they introduce them. You see a little boy that makes you hate all little boys, living or dead, past present or future. You wonder if you have what it takes to perform your own vasectomy. In the theater.

This is directed mostly towards the guys in the theatre. After the tenth cliche or so, you have a decision to make - a decision rooted in man's primal nature. It's a fight or flight thing. On the one hand, you did pay, like, eight bucks - maybe there will be a boob. On the other hand, the film is actually beginning to hurt.

Hey! Don't they sell candy here?

You come back to the theater weighed down like a pack burro. You are disappointed to find that they are showing the same film.

You begin to feel as though you have returned to the trenches, and feel a camaraderie with your fellow movie goers borne of shared misery.

Eight Goddamn dollars!

You hatch an elaborate plot to bring those responsible to justice. They're probably really far away, though.

Where am I? Your attention is briefly, painfully diverted to the screen. Some lesbian-ish spirit proceeds to partially disrobe Shannon Elizabeth Doherty (or whoever), but don't get your hopes up, you perverted little boys. You won't see her again until the end of the film, but at least she takes that little urchin with her.

Would it really be so bad if Team Ghost takes this one? Seriously. They'd be doing us a God damned favor. Give me a G!

As the film lurches toward it's inevitable conclusion, they reveal a bunch of things you don't care about. I guess something happens to this guy and he has to jump, or not jump, I don't remember. You won't either.

You come to realize that Matthew Lillard is the best part of this film. It makes you very, very sad.

On your way out, you see the nice man that you gave your money to. He flips you off with both hands.

To conclude:

Matthew Fucking Dumbass - (Shannon Elizabeth Doherty III x Die Kid Die)3 divided by Really Cool Machine + Tired-Ass Insulting Clitches = $8.00


1/2 out of 5



"What is this?" Smith snaps. Rose manages to pull herself out of the wall and slump back into her seat.

"I told you! It was my homework!" Rose protested. Smith roars, crumbles up the paper and throws it at a wall.

"I'm taking the day off... I can't stand this..." he snaps as he slips out of the room.



DAY FIVE


Smith enters the room with a brand spankin' new set of sexy-shades. He eyes the table and sees Rose still in her seat, head on the table, in a deep sleep. She is drooling and snoring. Smith shudders, then eyes the area. A new chair has replaced the old one that had broken across his face, and the wall has been repaired. Walking over to the girl he begins to shake her shoulder slightly.

"Miss Dincht..... wake up."


Nothing....


Shakes again. "Wake up Miss Dincht...!"


"..............."


"WAKE UP!!!"

Rose jolts straight up in her seat, eyes open wide.

"RACE CAR!" she screams, only to slump over onto the table, falling back asleep.

Smith stands there with the strangest look on his face. He shakes his head and glances at a jug of water in the cornor of the room, remembering that humans needed water to survive. He walks over to the jug, lifts it over Rose's head and punches a hole into the container as five gallons of freezing cold water empty onto Rose's sleeping figure. This time she shoots up, tries to scream but it only drowned out by water streaming down her throat, up her nose and through her hair, giving her a huge brain-freeze. Smith throws the jug into the cornor as Rose spits out the water.

"What are you playing at!?" She snapped jumping out of her seat, only to slip and fall on the ground. "OWCH!"


"Give me a good reason why I'm still interrogating you." he says. Rose stands up, still soaked and freezing.

"Because you suck at catching other rebels and I was the only one you could get." is her reply. Smith rolls his eyes.

"Do you even know ANYTHING about the rebels?" he snaps.

"I LIVE WITH THEM YOU FUCKING DUMBASS! I KNOW THEIR GODDAMN UNDERWEAR SIZE!" Rose yells back. Smith wants to hit her.

"Then tell me before I cave your head in! Do you know anything about Mr. Anderson and why he continues to fight!?" he says. Rose lifts an eyebrow.

"Well mostly it's just for the pleasure to kick yer ass, but he's a jock. He wants to show off infront of Trinity with all those nifty moves. Actually I think Seraph could've whupped him but I-"

Smith presses his Desert Eagle against her head. Rose sighs.

"I mean, Neo likes to think that he is a warrior-version of Jesus Christ. He is wrong. He continues to fight because he is The One or so Morpheus seems to think so, mainly because his name all mixed up is One. He's supposed to save the world, make love to the ladies, and save all of the Matrix's children and bring them to Zion. It is a very unoriginal and boring job if you ask me. But if you would've killed him BEFORE he learned all those nifty bullet-dodging tricks... well, you suck at that anyway...." Rose snapped.

Smith is pissed and smacks the Desert Eagle against Rose's head, then charges out of the room.


WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO ROSE!? WILL SMITH EVER STOP SUCKING AT HIS KILLING CAREER?! WILL NEO EVER DIE?!

I'll guess you'll have to wait....