title: Marriage, Sunnydale-Style
author: Heather (heather@hella-good.org)
rating: R
spoilers: none...completely an au/fantasy fic except for things borrowed from the Buffyverse (seasons 1-7) that are twisted to fit in this universe.
disclaimer: If I actually owned anything, I probably wouldn't be doing this :)
summary: After almost 10 years of dating, Buffy and Spike finally find themselves in the midst of planning a wedding and remembering the long journey that got them there.

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Chapter 27

Opening his eyes was not the best of plans as the bright morning sunlight made his head hurt even more. Spike closed them quickly and turned to lie on his back. Fragments of the night before flooded his brain. He fought with Buffy about Angel, he went to the bar, talked with Dawn, drank an obscene amount of alcohol, Buffy came to get him and then she packed a bag. Why would she...

"I don't need you."

"Well, that's unfortunate because I need you."

"Fuck," he groaned out, his voice raspy from lack of use. "Wanker."

He felt movement beside him and slowly opened his eyes and moved his head. Relief washed over him when he saw her sleeping beside him. He moved to her as best he could without causing his head to explode. He wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her tightly to him, not caring if he woke her or not. All he could hear was the pain in her voice from a statement he stupidly made and didn't mean.

Buffy turned to her side, moved her hand to his back and buried her face against his chest. She didn't want to wake up. She didn't want to talk about what happened but she knew that forgetting wouldn't be an option. She wanted to stay here, half-asleep, comfortable and ignorant to the awakened world. They've had their fair share of arguments over the years but never in any of them had Spike told her he didn't need her or talk to her with such contempt in his voice. Drunken ramblings she had told herself as she waited for sleep to come to her.

"Are you awake?" she heard him ask and she nodded her head. "Don't want to be?"

"No."

"Then go back to sleep." He released his hold on her and moved away. She felt her chest constrict as he moved slowly to sit up.

"What...where...are you leaving?" she finally asked. She didn't like the sound of her voice. It reminded her too much of her time spent with Angel. Soft, meek, afraid. She didn't think she even had that girl in her anymore.

"Bathroom, aspirin, wat-" he stopped talking when he saw the water bottle on the table. "You brought me water?"

"And a bucket. You were substantially drunk."

"Do you want anything?"

For you to come back to our bed quickly. "No," she answered, closing her eyes again.

"Buffy, I-"

"Go do what you need to. I'm not going anywhere."

Spike rose from the bed and went to the bathroom. Buffy sighed and rolled onto her stomach, burying her face in his pillow. She had never felt more uncomfortable in his presence as she did this morning. She didn't know what he had been about to say, all she knew was that she couldn't hear it right then. She wasn't angry with him for his actions the previous night; she wasn't even angry about what he had said. It was the residual pain that was left from his statement. Although she knew it wasn't true, couldn't be true, the sting was still there.

Buffy rolled onto her back just as the phone rang. She didn't want to talk to anyone. It was probably Dawn to see how Spike was or maybe it was Angel. Please don't let it be Angel. Please. Can't deal with him right now. It's too early to be him, right? I'll refrain from buying any new clothes for a month if it isn't him.

The answering machine beeped on and Buffy sighed in relief when she heard Dawn's voice. "Hey guys, sorry to call so early but I'm heading back to the dorm today and need a ride. Mom has gallery stuff to do and I have about three weeks of laundry to heft back-"

"Hey, Dawnie," Buffy interrupted.

"Good, you're up. I didn't wake you, did I?"

"No, I've just been lying here. You need a ride?"

"Can you help a sister out? Pretty please?" Dawn begged.

"Sure, what time did you want to head back?"

"Whenever it's good for you. I know it's right across town but I have way too much to bring back on the bus."

"Dawn, don't worry about. What are sisters for?"

"How's Spike doing? You two get everything worked out?"

"I don't know. We still have to talk..." Buffy didn't finish as Spike reentered the room and stood at the end of the bed. They looked at each other for a few moments until Buffy realized Dawn was talking to her again and she looked away. "What, Dawn? I didn't hear you."

"I said just remember that whatever he said or didn't say or however he acted was all induced by alcohol. Take it easy on him, Buffy."

"Yeah, I will," Buffy said, softly. Her mind was no longer on her conversation with her sister. She was trying too hard to ignore the burning look from the man at the end of the bed.

"Do you know what you're going to do about Angel?"

"Look, Dawn, I have to go. Uh, we'll talk all about it when I drive you back to the dorm. Maybe we can get a late lunch? One good meal before heading back to Sloppy Joe's and Mystery Meatloaf."

"Sure. I'll give you the brush-off pass this one time but you will talk to me about it later, right? I hate being left out on things."

"I'm well aware. I'll come to get you around 1:30." They said their goodbyes and Buffy hung up the phone. She moved over to her side of the bed and turned her back to Spike. She felt him settle back into the mattress behind her. They both lied there, neither saying anything, neither knowing where to begin. Buffy stared at the wall; Spike the ceiling and each heaved a sigh every once in a while, hoping to get the other's attention. Buffy decided that this was worse than talking it out. The silence was killing her and she had no doubt that it was having the same effects on Spike.

"Did you mean it?" she asked softly, not turning to look at him. "Just tell me you didn't mean it, Spike. Otherwise, there's something seriously wrong with us."

"No, I didn't mean it. I...it was-"

"Don't say it was the alcohol. Most of the time it acts like a truth serum so don't say that."

"Can't you look at me, luv? I don't want to have this conversation to your back."

Buffy turned onto her back and looked him out of the corner of her eyes. "This is as good as it gets." Spike sighed and she instantly felt bad. She moved onto her side with a sigh of her own and asked, "Better?"

He nodded before moving his body to face hers. He reached out slowly and ran his fingers down her face. "I'm sorry. I was a bit of a nutter last night."

"Is this all about you know who?" Buffy asked, remembering that he didn't want to hear his name last night and doubted that feeling had gone away this morning.

"I think that's fairly obvious, don't you?" Buffy closed her eyes and nodded in response. "I don't mean to make you feel badly, Buffy. And, honestly, your friendship with him has never been a problem until the other night."

"But, Spike, just because he's feeling whatever he's feeling does not mean that I feel that way."

"I know that," he said, strongly. "I know. I'm not completely off my rocker. Look, when he was only Angel, boss and friend, it wasn't anything. That nagging part in my head went away as time went by and then to hear him...He threw me for a loop."

"And I didn't help any by needing to talk to him alone," Buffy continued.

He nodded. "Or saying with the chits that you thought about life with him."

Buffy's eyes widened and she shook her head. "Then you weren't listening very well because I said even when I do consider it, you take over and all thoughts of him go right out the window."

"You say that and I hear it but-"

"But you still have trouble believing it?" she asked.

"I'm a berk," he mumbled. "It's not that I don't believe you or don't believe in us...I...I think I've been waiting for us to crash and I saw this as that moment."

"Okay, I understand what you're saying. We have been floating high the entire time we've been together. And it's funny because when it comes to relationships or men, in general, I always thought the same way. Just waiting for the day when it implodes...But with you, I've never..." Buffy trailed off, not sure how to continue to say what she wanted. She didn't know if anything she would say would make him feel better or bring them back to the place they were before Angel had a slip of the tongue. "I'm not going to be his friend anymore."

"No, Buffy, I don't want-"

"Don't be all noble, Spike," she told him with a small smile. "I appreciate it but it's not necessary. I like us friction-free...or fighting friction-free, that is." He quirked his eyebrow and smirked. "You and I...we made a pact a long time ago to always be upfront with each other. With that in mind, I'm going to tell you that I don't fully understand what it is you're thinking or feeling and last night sucked. You left in the middle of a discussion to get drunk, to drink away non-existent problems and then when I try to help, all you can say is that you don't need me. That you're not 'pussy whipped'...lovely expression, by the way. I don't know why you said that but it hurt. I felt like I was stabbed in the gut."

"I didn't mean it," Spike cut in. "I was trying to convince myself."

"But why?"

"Because I thought you were going to leave me-"

"But why?" she repeated, her voice rising in anger. "I made one stupid joke and you think I'm going to throw away our life together? It makes no sense! It's completely irrational. Where's the man who wouldn't leave? Where's the man with all the confidence? The one who was so sure he could get me to love him? Who did, who got me over my own fears of men and being with someone...We're getting married, Spike. I think it's been made pretty clear that I don't jump into these things without knowing exactly what I want first."

"You think I don't know all this, Buffy? Because I do and I hate myself for having even the tiniest doubt because you've never given me reason to. I haven't...this isn't something that's been harboring in me all this time. I can't even tell you at what point in the night I was convinced that we were over and I began to think that I needed to not need you. I had to believe that I didn't. I feel too dependent on you, on this life that we've built...a life we've built off your life."

"Do you want to move? Get away from here and begin our married one some place else?" She winced inwardly at the desperation in her voice. Twice now she had reverted to being seventeen again and twice she scolded herself for doing so.

"No, that's not...bugger...how do people do this? I don't know how to do this with you." He rubbed his hand over his face in frustration. "Can't I just apologize and we can move on for the day?"

"Because we can't. You're the one who just last week went through all that trouble about Warren and this is so more important than that was. You're feeling things that we need to talk about. We can't just brush them away." She sat up and moved her legs Indian-style. "Are you angry about our life here? Or disappointed?" Spike went to interrupt and she held up her hand. "Wait a minute. I'm trying to work this out in my own head-"

"Me, too."

"Shouldn't we be doing that together, then? I never thought we were one of those couples that don't say something out of fear. We've always been honest with each other. To me, this seems like a very important thing and I don't understand why you wouldn't talk to me about it. If you're feeling the least bit suffocated or I don't know...whatever it is you're feeling about our life together-"

"Buffy, please...stop." The look in his eyes was beyond pleading and she snapped her mouth shut. "First off, I don't feel suffocated. Secondly, I'm not angry or disappointed. Thirdly, I don't think I even knew I felt any of this...not that I feel any of the things you're saying I do. I am as confused by all this as you."

"Do you still want to get married?"

Shock passed over his face before he bent over to her and grabbed her, bringing her to him. "There is nothing I want more in my life than to be your husband."

Buffy stretched her body out beside him and rested her head on his chest. "Then what is this all about? Tell me what to do, Spike, because I am so confused right now. None of this makes any sense to me."

"Can I try to explain without interruption?"

"Hey, I'm not the one who's constantly butting in," Buffy argued lightly, feeling some of the pressure in her chest leave her body.

Spike only gave her his "sure you don't" look before he took a deep breath and slowly let it out. "I've never had anything. For the first twenty years of my life, I didn't have a thing. I move here, I meet you and life suddenly happened. I never expected it to and on occasion, I think how did I end up here? I was a loner, planned on being one for the rest of my life. Maybe it's like how you may think of life with Angel every once in a while...I think of what my life would be like without not only you but everyone that came along with you. And it's nice to muse on but I wouldn't trade this for all the tea in China, pet. When I say I feel dependent on you, I mean that so much of me is wrapped up in you that if you were to go, where would I be? I have no back-up plan for life. I'm banking on us only and I don't think that's good."

Buffy looked up at him. "Can I say something?" He nodded for her to continue. "I wonder that same exact thing. As much as your life is, mine is, too."

"No, Buffy, it's different. You can agree and you can sort of understand but if something were to happen with us...you would still have everyone."

"And you think you wouldn't?"

"Well, seeing as it would probably be my fault and every single person I've met here would want to behead me, I'm going to stay with my original assumption."

"I don't emasculate you in some way, do I? Because I've read about bruising a man's ego or wearing the pants and I don't want to wear the pants. I like my skirts and you like my skirts and you look good in your pants and I don't want it to seem like I'm taking away your power as a man because your life has become based on my life-"

"Kitten, you need to breathe," Spike interrupted, chuckling. Laughing feels good. She lifted her head from his chest and turned to look at him. He pushed her hair back from her shoulder and cupped his hand along her neck. "Buffy, you treat me like a man and that's..." He paused, collecting his thoughts. "There has never been anyone who could make me feel like more a man than you do. You have a wonderful way of making me believe I am the best man in the world by just a look or a simple touch."

"Same here...but you know, woman," she said, sheepishly. "So...where do we go from here?"

"I think we take a breather. It's almost 12:30 and you need to get ready to go out with Dawn. I'm guessing I'm not invited."

"Oh, you're invited but then I won't be able to talk about you." She smiled slyly and leaned into him again; wrapping her arms as best she could around his back. "A bit of a time-out...that might be good. You can think about what it is you need and I can think of the best way to relay all this to Dawn without telling her everything." He smiled at that and nodded his head, understanding perfectly well that Dawn was like a dog with a bone. "How about dinner tonight? Just the two of us?"

"I'll cook," Spike offered.

"Mmm...Spike cooking. Sounds good. Around five sound good?"

"How about 6:30? I have an errand to run."

"Sure, I'm easy. I'm not even looking at you right now and I know you have that 'oh, yeah' look on your face. Get rid of it," Buffy said, playfully.

"Go, shower. Don't want to keep the princess waiting." He helped her into a sitting position and then leaned over, kissing her gently on the lips. As soon as he started to pull away, her hands flew to his face bringing him back to her. She didn't say anything after she released her hold on him. She grabbed her robe and went into the bathroom, turning to look at him briefly before she shut the door.

Spike threw himself back on the bed and groaned. He wanted to scream. He wanted to cry. He wanted the aspirin to kick in and take away the horrible feeling of an extreme hangover. Tequila is not my friend. He sighed before he reached over to grab the phone from the bed stand. He dialed the number quickly and waited for someone to pick up.

"Yeah?"

"You busy this afternoon?" Spike asked, dismissing any small talk that neither would have wanted to make.

"No. Are you coming here?"

"Indeed I am. We're going to have ourselves a little sit down."

Angel sighed into the phone. "Am I going to need weapons?"

Spike allowed the laugh to escape him before asking, "Do we really need weapons for this?"

"Does she know you're coming?"

"Has anyone ever told you it's rude to answer a question with a question? And no, she doesn't. I'll tell her tonight but this isn't about her. This is about us."

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