Author's Note: I feel that I must warn you all before you read; this chapter is different from the first in just one way. While the first chapter was more thought-based and focused on exploring Beast Boy's mind and feelings, this one was written in a more feel-of-the-moment style. The heart rather than the head. I'm sure there will be times when what you're reading makes absolutely no sense…but no one ever said the heart made sense, or even possessed sense. Beware of major 'shippiness…not fluff, but some very interesting personal revelations. Also, because of the emotional madness (the chapter's called "Undone" for a reason), I recommend that those of you who are particularly sensitive grab a few tissues now…
-Alys
Dedication: For my reviewers, who have provided such encouragement and support. My first reviewer actually caused me to scream and hyperventilate into a pillow for twenty minutes…lol…you would not believe how excited and incredulous I was just knowing that someone had taken the time to read my fan fiction. I was absolutely thrilled to discover that even the great Sunshine10 thought something of it! This is such a new experience for me…and each of you have made it all the more blissfully rewarding. Now, to reply to some reviews:
Raven Grey Ghost: The song is "Bring Me to Life" by Evanescence. ^.^
Toast: I am honored to be reviewed by you! I'm a big fan of your "Accounts From the Tower", and your compliments really flattered me. I agree with what you said about the entire show being OOC. Por ejemplo, they drop a bunch of painfully obvious BB/R-inclined hints, then forget about them like they never existed and make episodes like "Car Trouble." Aagh! I could go on and on about that, but I'll save you the trouble…anyway, I also agree with what you said about Terra…damn that Terra…lol…but that's my mission: to keep the faith in BB and Raven alive. As long as there are still a few of us who still believe in it, there's reason to keep fighting! ^_^ About the we-writers-should-really-talk-and-help-each-other-out-more-on-this-section topic…if you would like to e-mail me, please feel free; I would love to make contact with you as a writer. I really look up to you and admire your written style, and it would be wonderful to have your advice and encouragement on things.
Rainbow Phoenix: I'm also happy to be reviewed by you…while I was waiting for reviews, I remember thinking, I hope Rainbow Phoenix reviews me! I have noticed that you review lots of fan fiction, and you are always avidly supporting Raven/BB. Thank you.
Scarred Phoenix: Oh, good! ^_^ I'm glad you were listening to the song as you read…actually, I was listening to the song as I wrote! It was a marvelous inspiration.
SperryDee: BB and Raven are made for each other, and you're blessed for realizing that. Don't ever let your friends tell you otherwise! XD
Samantha-1434: I updated, so you can't kill me now! XP I am also happy that I inspired you. That makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside…
Le Chat: Thanks so much for telling me about the anonymous reviews thing. I didn't even realize!
ROBINROX!: Woo-hoo! The faith is alive! ::runs around waving her lighter maniacally:: XP
Leviathan680: Thank you for the compliments, Levia. I'm so glad to have all my friends at TV Tome, especially you and ROBINROX!
Luna-Kitsune-Blu: Sorry if I caused confusion…actually, I was implying that it had been one year since the Titans had first formed, suggesting that it had been a year since Beast Boy and Raven first met. She hasn't been in a coma for an entire year! That would suck…but no, she's only been gone for three days so far.
Vega Obscura 666: Thank you! I look forward to reading your story; please let me know when it is up. ^^
To everyone else: Thank you for everything.
Now, on with Chapter 2!
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Playground school bell rings
Again…
Rain clouds come to play
Again…
Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello.
I'm your mind
Giving you
Someone to talk to
Hello…
If I smile and don't
Believe
Soon I know I'll wake
From this dream…
Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken!
Hello.
I'm the lie
Living for you
So you can hide.
Don't cry…
Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping…
Hello.
I'm still here, all that's left of
Yesterday…
-"Hello", Evanescence
**************************************************************************************
A wisp of vibrant auburn hair fell into Starfire's face, and it dampened instantly, soaking up the moisture of her tears. She pushed it back behind her ear softly and continued to write, her pen whipping across the lines of the yellowing paper. She was not sure why she was writing this; Raven could in no way read it now, and if she awakened there would be no need for her to read it anyway. But Robin had said it was a good idea.
All around the girl the walls were a lifeless white, the ceiling and tiles mimicking the neutrality. A wastebasket sat beside her stiff chair, and it was filled to the brim with crumpled balls of yellow paper—failed attempts at expressing precisely how she felt. This time, though, her thoughts seemed to be coming clearer, and she had no intention of throwing this version of her letter away. In fact, she was going to leave it here for Raven…yes, for Raven's eyes only.
Starfire's jade-green eyes shifted downwards to look upon her friend. Raven was white-clad from head to toe: her wounds bandaged with white gauze, the sheets around her the same dire shade. A countless number of thin, plastic tubes concealed her face slightly. Her eyes, normally dark and deep, were closed in a horrific surrender, and her gray lips were sealed all too peacefully, all too lifelessly. A torrent of violet hair fell all around her pillows, vibrant against the white. For the first time in her life, Raven was completely helpless—utterly dependent.
Starfire was ashamed of the tearstains that continued to blot the words in some parts of her letter, but she did not allow this to discourage her. Tears were a good thing, Robin had said. They helped you feel better, eventually.
The alien girl's eyes fluttered, pining to give in to the one thing she desperately needed: sleep. Starfire was sure that she had not slept a second for three days, and the lack of rest was now taking a toll on her body. She wished to take sleep by the hand and let it lead her away, to gather it all to herself and gobble it up greedily. She wished these things, but they were selfish, and she had promised herself that she would not let her eyes close a moment until someone else was here to watch over her friend.
Starfire concluded her written thoughts finally, signing the letter with a youthful flourish and slowly tearing the paper from its pad. Settling back into her chair, she prepared, for the millionth time, to read over her soul:
Dearest Raven,
It is I, Starfire, your friend. I do not wish to make this a long letter, but merely to express to you all of the things I am thinking while you are away from us.
Oh, Raven, it is not the same without you! I do not recall ever being so disheartened. There is a gaping hole in me…I do not even feel like myself any longer. I feel more as if I am someone else, watching myself from across the room, rather than Starfire.
It saddens me to gaze upon you—you do not appear well. I hope desperately that you shall wake up and return to your friends who love you, but I am fearful that you never will…
The Teen Titans are not the same without you to hold us all together. Robin always said that you were the one who kept us from "losing it", and that is true. Raven, our very sanity seems to have disappeared before our eyes.
Cyborg does not sleep. He reads magazeens (I hope that I spelled that correctly) in the room of waiting, and he does not turn his eyes upward. I do not think he is truly reading. Robin appears worried. His eyebrows are creased often, and I cannot cheer him. Even Beast Boy has ceased the telling of his jokes, and he does not speak. Raven, I believe that he lo admires you more than he chooses to think.
All of us are in a state of deep missing. There is no consolation for us anyplace. We are saddened, and wish only for you to return to us. Especially I, Starfire—I am missing you greatly. You are my friend, and one of my best. I recall all of the times in which we went to the mall of shopping to accomplish the "hanging out", and even our brief bouts of "girl talk" (which I presume you did not enjoy, but you contributed to anyway. Oh, Raven, you are so very generous!) I wish for us to be able to do these things again. They were much fun.
You cannot leave us, Raven. We all depend upon you. You are the missing piece that makes us complete, and we are not the Teen Titans without you. Please, Raven—awaken soon…
Love, your friend
Starfire
The girl brushed away a fresh tear and folded her letter carefully. It rested limply in her palms, and she stared down at it with all the immeasurable force of sadness…slowly, the red-haired Tamaranean began to finger the creases, searching for some revelation that she felt she had lost, and could not reclaim.
"Star?"
Startled, Starfire whirled around in her chair with a short gasp, then exhaled in relief at the sight of Robin, who looked apologetic. "Whoa—I'm sorry—didn't mean to scare you…" he began.
"It is all right. I was merely surprised," Starfire replied, forcing a smile. It came more easily than she had expected, and the girl allowed her grin to remain on her face one hopeful moment longer. She only remembered that she was crying when a new tear popped up and streamed down her cheek. Embarrassed, she chuckled nervously and bowed her head to wipe it away.
Robin cringed. "I, uh, know you weren't expecting me, but…" he rubbed the back of his head uncomfortably, "apparently, Cyborg didn't get much sleep last night. Beast Boy and I couldn't wake him up this morning, so we came instead." Starfire did not look up. Choosing his words carefully, Robin hesitantly whispered.
"Are you okay?"
Starfire nodded violently. "Yes, I am—I am—" she inhaled sharply, "okay. I apologize for my overreaction…"
Suddenly, Robin looked slightly more confident. He extended a reassuring hand.
"It's not an overreaction, Star. It's natural for you to be upset. When something bad happens, people are supposed to cry. There's nothing wrong with tears…remember?"
Starfire smiled weakly. "Yes, Robin. I remember." There was silence for a moment before she added softly, "Where is Beast Boy?"
Robin nodded in the direction of the waiting room. "Out there," he replied, looking slightly annoyed with the fact.
"But why? Does he not wish to join us and visit—"
Once again, Robin rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "I don't know why. He hasn't come in to see her yet. I keep telling him he should, but you know Beast Boy…he won't listen unless you prod him with a hot rod or something." Robin pulled up a chair beside Starfire's and sat down.
"Well, perhaps we should prod him with a hot rod…" Starfire suggested, grinning, and Robin laughed. He turned to look at her. Her face was reddened and stained, but optimistic, and her emerald eyes still shone with the moisture of tears. Though he had scarcely even admitted it to himself, Robin loved Starfire's eyes. There was a certain light in them, a heat that he wanted to touch.
It was only then that he noticed she was holding something. Starfire absently clutched a folded sheet of yellow paper between her thumb and forefinger. Robin raised a quizzical brow. "What's that?"
Automatically, Starfire looked down at the paper and blushed a faint shade of pink. "Well…Robin, you said that we should all have something to give to Raven when she awakens…therefore…I have written her a letter," she finished quickly. She winced slightly, awaiting the answer of her friend. She was sure he was going to ask to read it, and the simple truth was that she did not want him to…
To her surprise, Robin smiled. "That's good, Star," he said softly, then hesitated. "Do you want an envelope to put it in? I think they've got some at the front desk…"
Starfire cocked her head. "An…en-ve-lope?"
"You know, those folded pieces of paper that the mail comes in."
"Oh…oh," the girl returned, happy for the clarification. She brightened. "I would be delighted to have an en-ve-lope."
Robin grinned and stood from his chair, placing a hand on her slim shoulder. "Okay. I'll be right back," he declared, and sprinted out the door of Patient Room 124, eager to fulfill her request.
"Many thanks, Robin!" Starfire waved him off, wearing a smile in spite of herself. That was the mere magic of Robin. His very presence was enough to turn the tides of her mood from discouraged…to hopeful…to simply happy.
***
Wake me up inside!
Wake me up inside!
Call my name and save me
From the dark.
Bid my blood to run
Before I come undone,
Save me from the nothing
I've become…
Beast Boy muttered under his breath in annoyance, pacing the length of the hospital waiting room. This was really beginning to get old.
That song had haunted him for three days now, preventing sleep, making any kind of contentment impossible. He had tried his best not to let the prevailing tune or the dark lyrics get to him. But no. It had to keep pounding in his head at the most inconvenient times, popping up out of nowhere, creeping menacingly from the shadows and threatening to be the end of all sanity.
Desperate to put an end to this self-torture, Beast Boy padded over to the front desk, where Robin had been just a moment earlier asking for an envelope. Of course, the Boy Wonder had already disappeared back into Room 124…he and Starfire must be having one of their 'moments', Beast Boy predicted with a smirk.
Noticing the anxious-looking Beast Boy leaning over the counter, a petite blonde nurse approached him. "May I help you?"
"Uh…yeah," he replied, gazing around at various items behind the nurse in anticipation. "Do you by any chance have some paper? And a pen?"
The nurse smiled at the boy's simple request and headed toward the back of the area, where her coworkers were chatting amiably, breaking out into hysterical laughter at intervals. She fetched a small pad of paper and a fountain pen, strode back up to the front desk, and placed the items into Beast Boy's awaiting hands. "Here you are."
"Thanks," he said gratefully, making sure to flash her the most charming smile he could muster before walking away and plopping down into a cushioned chair.
He'd heard somewhere once that if you wrote the lyrics to a song down and trashed them, the song wouldn't be stuck in your head anymore. Okay, so it was a naïve idea, but surely worth a shot…after all, he'd tried everything else, and he wasn't at the point of giving up yet.
How can you see into my eyes
Like open doors?
Leading you down into my core
Where I've become so numb…
Beast Boy's hand eagerly flew across the small pad of paper. It was providing a little relief just to write the song down; maybe this wasn't such a stupid idea after all.
A dangerous glint of madness gleamed in his dark eyes as he let the song pour out of his brain all in a rush. It could bother him no more. Once it was gone, it would stay gone, and maybe he would be able to sleep tonight…his pace quickened at the thought. Beast Boy's handwriting was growing so carelessly horrible that it was now little more than chicken scratch…not that he cared. The sooner it was gone, the better.
"Bring…me…to…life," he spoke aloud, eyes glazed with a psychotic mist. The nurses abruptly stopped talking and turned to look at the boy in utter confusion, exchanging incredulous glances with one another.
A heavyset woman with curly hair raised an eyebrow and cocked her head slightly. She leaned in closer to her circle of friends. "D'you think he's alright?" she whispered, her eyes still averted in the direction of the illustrious superhero, who was scribbling madly.
Her coworkers barely had time to shrug before a victorious Beast Boy jumped up from his seat, ripping his sheet of used paper off of the pad with a vociferous thwip that echoed through the waiting room like a pebble in the Grand Canyon. The pad fell to the floor with a thump, and quite rabidly the boy began to tear the paper to shreds, causing ripping sounds to pierce the still air like needles into skin.
This felt vaguely familiar…
***
/Hey. I'm sorry./
Beast Boy's chewed-down pencil scratched the last letter quickly before retracting from the paper and being placed, once again, into his awaiting mouth. He bit down hard in concentration, tasting wood as he contemplated what else to write. Raven wasn't one who normally melted beneath his charm…this wasn't going to be an easy task. What else could he write that would get through to her? Nothing. Beast Boy sighed before finally deciding that the feeble apology was good enough, and thrusting it under the crack of Raven's foreboding door.
The boy folded his arms across his chest and slid even further down the wall. It would be better to do it like this, he supposed, than to knock and suffer Raven's wrath, which he had had the misfortune of awakening in the past. He wasn't about to do that again. Best to just get this over with quickly and quietly…she'd forgive him as long as he could keep his cool.
Slowly the pencil began to degrade in his mouth, but Beast Boy took no notice. He gnawed at it vigorously, not willing to admit how nervous he was, but not stupid enough to tell himself that there was nothing to be afraid of.
Well, maybe she was just reading. Or meditating. If that was the case, she would have no idea about the little slip of paper that had been so reluctantly delivered at her feet. She would go on in her merry little world, and he could just—
The tiny scrap of paper shot back out from under the door and slid with a vociferous whoosh right toward Beast Boy's cupped palm. It stopped there at his fingertips, suddenly motionless in the silent hallway. Tentatively, he reached for it.
/Go away./
Beast Boy's eyebrows furrowed as he read the small, meticulously spaced ink words. Now that was just rude. Determined to get through to the dark girl, he removed the dangling pencil from his mouth and began to scribble a reply.
/Come on, don't be like that. Open the door. Please?/
He shoved the note under her door once again and exhaled a huff of annoyance. He honestly couldn't believe he was doing this again. This was exactly how it always happened. He would piss her off and she'd flip out over nothing, then Robin or Starfire or Cyborg would send him off to apologize. As of yet, he had never succeeded. The only reason Raven ever forgave him was because, eventually, her mind would lose track of the argument, and she'd start treating him as she always did…just another member of the team. Just another annoying comrade for her to have to put up with.
/No./
Beast Boy rolled his eyes. It wasn't his fault she had left that poetry notebook of hers lying around. Anyone in their right mind would have taken a peek.
He just didn't understand how she had known it was him. Raven had the aggravating tendency to know EVERYTHING.
/Why not?/
/I don't want to talk to you. You know why. Don't be an idiot./
Beast Boy emitted a low growl. An idiot: that's what Raven always called him.
/I'm not an idiot!/
/Then don't act like one./
The boy repressed his frustration, and replied with the most dignified response he could muster.
/I'm not. I'm trying to be nice./
/Whatever./
/Can you open the door now?/
/No./
Beast Boy banged the back of his head against the wall exasperatedly in a vain attempt to get his point across. He waited a brief moment for a response, but when none came, he started it up again. She couldn't ignore him this way; a few good pounds on her wall would definitely get her to emerge from her dark lair.
This frame of mind was abruptly shattered as a single pound resonated back to him through the wall. Slightly apprehensive, Beast Boy hung his head at Raven's ominous response. Though he did want her to come out, he wasn't about to grate on her nerves any more than was absolutely necessary…at least, not at the moment.
Beast Boy heaved a sigh of defeat, deciding to take this little squabble in a different direction.
/If it makes ya feel any better, I thought they were really good./
A wide grin sprawled over his face as he pushed his most recent response beneath the door. He could almost see her mouth falling open in surprise. That was what a compliment did to Raven: made her stare at you in disbelief, like you had suddenly contracted leprosy. Then she would get defensive, unable to handle the fact that someone had said something nice about her.
Not that it was a lie…
/Stop it./
Beast Boy covered his mouth as a giggle threatened to surface. Precisely the answer he'd been expecting.
/Why? I'm serious. You should publish it or something./
/Your flattery doesn't work on me. I thought you had learned this by now./
/Nope./
/Leave me alone./
/Uh-uh, not till you open up./
/Not happening./
/Guess we'll just have to do this forever, then./
/Fine, go ahead. Sit there. See if I care./
/Fine, I will./
/Fine./
Beast Boy fingered the creases of the segment of paper absently. What was there to say now? He had already told her that he wasn't leaving, so he couldn't just go away…he wasn't about to give up on her that easily. Surely if he said the right thing, she would realize how sorry he really was, and open that stupid door. Did she really have to be so…cold? The least she could do was talk to him face-to-face.
A light bulb flickered on suddenly in his vacant head, and Beast Boy received a flash of inspiration. There was one thing he had been meaning to ask her, a question that had been weighing on his mind ever since he'd found that notebook of hers. Now was the perfect time. Cautiously, the boy began to write.
/Hey, Raven…that poem…that you wrote…the one called "A Savior"…I've been meaning to ask you…what was it about?/
Satisfied with his wording, Beast Boy shoved his question under the impending door and waited. Raven could respond to this in one of two ways. One, she told him what the poem was about, and the conversation went on just peachily from there. Two, she ordered him, for the millionth time, to go away. Either way, as long as they were on different sides of the door, no physical pain would be involved.
In his moment of curiosity, the mutilated pencil in his hand was plopped back into his mouth, and he chewed nervously. He hoped she would tell him about that poem. That was the one that had stuck with him, the one he couldn't shake from his mind, despite all the times he'd tried. He was sure he could remember how it went, if he concentrated…
"Yours the way and yours the light,
Mine the darkness of the night.
Yours the frenzied charm of youth,
Mine the deadly, haunting truth."
That was it—the first verses, anyway. Beast Boy had never been one too strong with memory, but this was different. It was something worth remembering. It was something he needed to remember, because he knew that he would never see it again.
Quite ominously, the slip of paper shot back out at him, sliding across the floor with so much force that it hit the opposite wall. Beast Boy's eyes widened in apprehension. Okay, that couldn't be a good sign. Slowly, he crawled towards the foreboding scrap of paper and took it in his hands…
/Let me get this straight. First, you have the nerve to read my personal poetry. Key word: personal. Meaning, not for anyone else to read. And now you WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT'S ABOUT??? Are you seriously asking me that? It's none of your business! Don't you have any concern for anyone besides yourself?! Do you think you could stop being selfish for one single second?! I can't believe you! You have invaded my privacy and just…you know what? Never mind. Just forget it. You are not worth the time or the emotion. Go away, before I make you./
For a moment, the boy merely sat there against the wall, gaping at the wrinkled slip of paper in astonishment. But it didn't take long for this immediate effect to wear away and be replaced by a much stronger, unsuppressed one. Beast Boy felt the anger bubble inside of him like a pot of boiling water—one that was on the verge of exploding.
Thwip.
He jumped up from the floor and tore the paper right down the middle, the sharp sound slicing through his ears and through the stillness in the air. "Fine! I don't even know why I'm doing this! You freak out about every single little thing, then blame it on me! It's not my fault that you left your stupid notebook lying around…yeah, you call me selfish, but you're the one who never thinks of anyone else! You won't even open that stupid door! You don't open up to ANYONE, you're always just hiding in the shadows, being all dark and depressing and weird…you don't even care about what anyone else thinks, do you? What is your deal?!"
Silence. Who was he kidding? She wasn't going to answer him.
Thwip.
Beast Boy balled the mangled remains of their conversation into a green fist, then opened his hand and let it fall to the floor. Whatever. If she was going to be like that, he wasn't going to bother wasting his time. Swiftly, he turned on a heel and stormed down the hallway.
In all honesty, Raven angered him. She was so incredibly rude and unfeeling and dangerously dark. It was like nothing could get through to her, nothing could break her, nothing could make her open that damn door. There was ALWAYS a door between them. There was a door between Raven and everyone. She just couldn't let her guard down, she just couldn't open up to anyone. Why did she have to be like that? She was so maddeningly calm, it made Beast Boy want to wring her neck. Sometimes he swore he would have, had he gotten the chance.
He turned a corner in the hallway and proceeded towards his destination. No matter what he did, Raven would never acknowledge him. He could be screaming at the top of his lungs and she wouldn't even look up from her book. He didn't exist to her! Nothing he did mattered, unless it was something that she couldn't forgive…something like reading her "personal poetry."
Beast Boy slowed his pace and focused in on his thoughts. "Was that why I did it?" chimed a voice somewhere inside his head. Well, maybe. So what? It seemed like the only attention he would ever get from Raven was negative, but it was better than none at all. Beast Boy couldn't tolerate being ignored. It made him feel horrible, like someone had shoved him alone into an empty white room and left him there to die.
She was the only one who continued to stand firm against him. All of the other Titans had eventually melted beneath Beast Boy's crazy antics and silly charm. Robin and Cyborg loved him as a friend. Starfire was completely elated with him. Even random people he met in the city couldn't help but like him, the green guy who, though slightly egotistical, was a real trip. It was only Raven who continued to resist him. It was almost as if he was raging in a silent battle with her, trying to bring her down, to find some weak spot and dissolve her right there. But she just wouldn't give in.
This had two very different effects on Beast Boy. One, he felt devastated. Insecure. He started doubting himself, wondering if he really was as great as he made himself out to be. Raven had a way of chopping his ego right in half the moment she walked into the room, and he didn't like it. Some secret part of him knew that she was winning their battle.
Two, he felt…impressed. Enamored. Overtaken, in a good way, if that was possible. No one before had managed to resist him in the way that Raven did, and he admired this. She was strong; a challenge that he couldn't turn down. Every day he continued to chase after her in his vast world of wishful thinking; somehow he kept on fighting to win her over. She was a toughie, but not one that he couldn't melt in the end.
How had that poem gone? Beast Boy struggled to remember the next verse…stupid memory…it was something like…
"Yours the chaos and the thrill,
Mine the silence louder still.
Yours the warm, assuring touch,
Mine the cold that longs for much
More than this suppressed emotion,
Worthless life, unsaid devotion—
Will you ever realize me,
Release these chains and set me free?"
Beast Boy's head began to spin at the rush of words that had suddenly hit him. The haunting lines of poetry rang a familiar bell. Did she really think she was worthless? Now, that was just a scary thought. Raven was a great number of negative things, but 'worthless' was not one of them.
Beast Boy strolled around a corner, his anger continuing to purge him. He knew he needed somewhere to vent, but he couldn't think of anyone who would be willing to listen…Starfire, maybe? She tended to be good for things like that.
Unfortunately, BB strode into the main room to see not Starfire, but Cyborg, clamoring around the kitchen as he made what appeared to be lunch. None of the other Titans were in sight, and Beast Boy was desperate.
"Where's Star?!" he practically yelled at the metal man, fists clenched at his sides in frustration.
Cyborg whipped around to stare at his obviously angry friend. "Hey, take it easy, man…what's up?" he asked slowly, in the tone of voice that you use with a mental patient who has just broken out of the padded walls. Beast Boy waved his hands in the air once, then proceeded to the couch, which he threw himself onto unceremoniously.
"I asked you, where's Starfire? I need to talk to her!" he shouted, annoyed, before crossing his arms over his chest defiantly and glaring at the floor.
"I think she and Robin went out somewhere," Cyborg replied good-naturedly, before adding mischievously, "if you know what I mean." He chuckled slightly and plucked a jar of mayonnaise from the refrigerator.
"Figures," Beast Boy huffed quietly. "You always win."
"Precisely, little man, meaning YOU owe me twenty bucks." Cyborg smirked as he opened the lid of the mayonnaise and retrieved a butter knife from one of the many drawers. "So, what's up with you?"
"Oh, nothing, only Raven is completely freaking out over nothing again and saying everything's my fault and keeping her door locked 24-7 like she's some kind of recluse and being all dark and gloomy and I-am-above-you-so-just-leave-me-alone-you-little-green-idiot."
Cyborg raised an eyebrow. "Um…okay. Sorry I asked."
"Yeah, well…you shouldn't have."
"I can SEE that."
Beast Boy sprawled out over the sofa, grateful to have the space completely to himself while still talking to someone considerably farther away. "You know, she always does this to me. No matter what I do, it's not good enough for her."
Cyborg gave a sigh. "Well, you do know that it was wrong of you to go snooping around in her poetry…right? Think about it. She kinda has an excuse for being mad."
Beast Boy sat upright, suddenly directing his anger towards his half-metal friend. "No, no, no, you don't understand! Okay, I shouldn't have done that, but the least she could do is let me apologize! I can't even tell her I'm sorry without her reliving the entire problem! I mean, she seriously has some issues. Doesn't she know how to forgive people?! Forgiveness! It's a good thing! But NO, Raven is just too perfect for forgiveness, since she's ALWAYS RIGHT and all. God…I hate her!"
Satisfied, Beast Boy resumed his previous position and stared at the ceiling, waiting for his friend's response. At first, silence passed between the two, and he could tell that Cyborg was thinking about what to say. The clatter of jars and silverware resonated through the quiet room before the metal man finally looked up. "Look, man, I can't believe I have to tell you this, but you don't hate her."
Beast Boy raised a quizzical eyebrow and twisted around to look at his friend. "How would YOU know? Are you me?"
"No. Thank God." Cyborg chuckled as his green friend's eyes narrowed at him menacingly. "Look, all I'm tryin' to say is…she gets on your nerves, yeah. But you don't hate her. She's your friend. Oh, this is wonderful…I'm starting to sound like Robin…" the cybernetic man trailed off and completed the finishing touches on his sandwich before carrying it over to the couch and relaxing into it.
Beast Boy twiddled his thumbs absently, his anger dying down. Cyborg was, of course, right. He definitely didn't hate Raven, no matter how much he told himself that. It was a downright lie. He loved Raven; she was, after all, his friend, and as Robin and Starfire often preached, "We will all be friends forever." Inwardly, he giggled. Those two…they were the sheer optimism of the team.
What was the last line of that poem? If only he could remember it, he could write it down somewhere and…he'd never forget it again. He needed the last verse. Beast Boy allowed his eyes to drift closed quietly as he focused on what he'd seen last night, the words that had been written in that notebook in her small, flourished handwriting.
"Your soul alone has the power to save
Mine from the dark, conquering grave."
Yes!
The green boy folded his hands behind his head and sighed, partly out of satisfaction, partly because of the fact that he was preparing to disclose his thoughts. "Okay, you win," he told Cyborg, utterly defeated. "I don't hate Raven. She just…agh, she just really makes me mad sometimes."
Cyborg swallowed an enormous bite of his sandwich. "That's the spirit," he said loudly, a half-grin plastered on his awaiting face.
Beast Boy took this as a sign to continue. "I guess we just kinda…uh…clash. I mean, we're complete opposites. Nothing in common."
Abruptly, the metal man rose with his half-eaten sandwich and started back towards the kitchen. "Come on, that's not true," he called over his shoulder, waving away Beast Boy's comment as if it were a bothersome fly.
"Um…yeah, it is," retorted the boy defensively. "Name one thing we have in common."
Cyborg set the unfinished snack down on the counter and looked his friend straight in the eye. "Well, you both liked that song."
***
Finally he lifted his hand high above his head and let the butchered wad of paper fly through the air. Every last one of the nurses gasped as it landed smoothly in the wire wastebasket on the other side of the room.
Wake me up inside!
Wake me up inside!
Beast Boy bit his lip and quivered. The nurses' incredulous eyes followed him as he made a mad dash for the door.
***
A few cars hissed past on the road before him, but the chill in the air was all-stopping, as if it could freeze time at any moment. Beast Boy watched an ambulance zip into the emergency loop hurriedly, its siren blazing through the still, damp air. It came to an abrupt halt and two paramedics jumped out of either door, rushing to open the back, where they smoothly wheeled out a rolling white cot that held within its grasp a person…a young girl, it looked like, whose face was concealed by streaks of blood. The girl lay unconscious, her hand hanging over the side of the cot lifelessly, as if reaching for something that she couldn't quite touch.
After the rolling bed emerged a minor flood of people: more paramedics, a young man, and a woman, who was clutching her face in her hands and murmuring something that Beast Boy couldn't completely discern. The man had an arm around the woman, and he was whispering something in her ear: words of comfort, BB presumed, as he looked at the couple from a distance. He wondered vaguely if the girl was their daughter.
His thoughts were interrupted abruptly by a sharp, overwhelming cry of anguish. "No!" It took him a moment to realize that it was the woman who was screaming, her arms reaching out for the unmoving figure on the white cot. She struggled in the man's arms, shouting and crying. "No! Don't take her away! Please, it's not time yet, no! Get off of me, get off, let her GO!" The woman's screams rang out through the silent air, and they became all that Beast Boy could hear. He pressed himself fearfully against the hospital wall, wrapping his arms about himself and staring at the distant gathering of people. A few paramedics were restraining the woman now; they held her back as the girl was wheeled towards the door of the emergency room and maneuvered inside. Her mother began sobbing helplessly behind her.
"Bastards! You can't do this to my baby! She's not gone yet! For Christ's sake, help her!" Where were they taking the girl? Was she already dead?
The woman writhed within the man's arms, struggling to break free. Now Beast Boy could see the tears that streamed down his face, too. He began to whisper to her again. The woman's lip quivered and she began to sob, turning towards her husband and burying her face in his shoulder. They stayed in that position for what seemed like an eternity, the position of complete hopelessness, of utter defeat. Beast Boy turned away and stared at the pavement beneath his feet.
I took her for granted. I argued with her way more than I should have. All those times I could've just told her that I appreciated her…I never took advantage of any of them. She could die, and I'll have to live forever knowing that she never knew…
Slowly, Beast Boy turned to face the forbidding hospital doors. His legs moved beneath him, and he started back inside, hoping to reclaim some kind of sanity.
***
The streetlights illuminated the darkened sky above a grand parade of dancing lights and moving vehicles. The heavens were clouded, and not a single star could be spotted in the black layer. A chill bit the faces of the multitudes moving through the street…one that threatened snow. Sure enough, as if he himself had made it happen, Beast Boy watched a tiny, perfect flurry fall from the vast sky and dust the sidewalk.
It had been four torturous days since the mad paper-mutilating incident, and though he wasn't about to forget the way it had caused that memory to sweep over him, Beast Boy allowed his mind to dwell on other things for the moment. He hugged himself even tighter and pushed his way through the streaming crowds, past a few homeless people warming their hands over a feeble fire. BB didn't let the cold get to him; he was on a mission, and nothing was going to stop him now…not even the omnipotent force of the weather. Normally his ideas weren't all that great, but he was sure that this was the most brilliant plan ever.
The sounds of nearby car horns and laughing people filtered into his keen ears, and he smiled slightly. It had been a while since he'd felt happy, but now he was positive that the emotion growing inside him had to be joy. Getting out of the hospital had done him some good, and the rosy faces of other people were constantly there to remind him that he wasn't alone in the world…that, in itself, was comfort.
Even the thought of Raven didn't spark his sadness at this moment…after all, he was doing this for her, and she would be happy to see the surprise when she woke up. He could just see the look on her face now. She would remove the CD from the labeled plastic bag and turn it over and over in her palms. And her mouth would be wide open, like she couldn't believe he had done something so thoughtful for her. She might even smile at him…the thought made Beast Boy's heart skip a beat as he made his way through the crowd.
It felt like her right now. Beast Boy exhaled and saw his own breath vaporize before him, only to fade away as quickly as it had come. He remembered his winter landscape image from a few nights before and grinned contentedly. It was almost like she was here.
At the corner of Main and Fifth Avenue, Beast Boy stopped and abruptly veered to the right, careening steadily into the familiar music store with a smile. Inside, it was warm, and he let his arms drop to his sides as he gratefully basked in the heat. CDs were stacked chaotically all over the shelves, each screaming different colors and names, and the boy wandered in further to look for the one song that had seemed to possess his entire being for the past week.
Beast Boy reached the section labeled 'E' and ran a green finger up and down the rows. Eagles…Eiffel 65…Eminem…Enya…Evan and Jaron…Evanescence.
Grinning victoriously, Beast Boy pulled the chosen CD out from the rest and studied it carefully. The cover portrayed a very dark-looking young woman with a face pale as death. Her silvery eyes were heavily lined, and from her head fell sprigs of hair black as night. Behind the woman was a medley of white and blue metal and what appeared to be droplets of water. In the upper-left hand corner of the CD, two ivory words fell, looped, and curled around themselves: Evanescence: Fallen.
Definitely creepy enough, the boy thought to himself, turning the CD over. He shrugged and remembered who it was for. The colors alone reminded him. Blue, white, silver, black. It was all so…Raven.
BB, you've struck gold this time. She's going to love this!
With a delirious, almost psychotic grin plastered on his face, Beast Boy fingered his pocket for some money and strode up to the checkout, CD in hand. He had the delicious feeling that he was finally doing something right.
Upon approaching the counter, the boy eagerly pushed his purchase towards the cashier: a pale teenaged girl who bore a striking resemblance to the one on the cover of the CD he was buying. She was adorned with random body piercings in her nose, lips, and eyebrows, and her expression gave Beast Boy the feeling he sometimes got around Raven—the one that made him want to shrink away and hide somewhere.
He bit his lip in apprehension as the girl snatched his purchase from the counter and ran it under a scanner, eyeing him suspiciously. "Good CD," she muttered darkly, her eyes shifting away from him. "Doesn't seem like your type."
Beast Boy raised an eyebrow at the insult and fought back the urge to tell her off. "Actually, it's for my friend," he began eagerly. "She's really dark and depressing, ya know, that kind of thing…and she's really hurt right now, so this is like a get-well present…hey, you might know her! She's a Teen Titan…Raven…of course you know her. Well, you know me then too, right? I—"
The anonymous girl bagged Beast Boy's purchase quickly and shoved it back across the counter. "I don't want your story, kid. Pay up."
***
Beast Boy's eyes pored over the water. Each tiny ripple in the black liquid rolled quietly over the last, overlapping onto the golden shore where he sat, idly looking out over the river. It was only a matter of time before the tide would rise, and he would have to leave this quiet place and return to the dreaded hospital, crawling with doctors cloaked all in white.
The girl at the music store had trodden over his good mood quite a bit, and he no longer felt that there were tons of people in the world who were willing to help him out. Around Beast Boy miniature flakes continued to fall silently, only now beginning to stick to the ground. It was an odd combination—the snow and the sand. He liked it.
The boy shivered in the cold, though not really minding it. Across the dark water was an even darker shape…a looming building in the shape of a T. He smiled slightly at the somewhat obvious "dwelling place", as Starfire would call it. But its once-lit windows were now a gloomy black, conveying the message that nobody was home…there was no longer anyone whom the troubled could call.
All of the Titans were staying at the hospital tonight…after only a few nights of taking shifts, they had decided that it was best for all of them to be near their sleeping friend, despite the chunks of time it took out of their sleep. It was worth it for Raven.
Beast Boy sighed and tossed a nearby shell into the tranquil water. The impact of the object caused a tiny ripple to surface and roll outwards, growing larger until his eyes could discern it no longer.
That's how everything starts, isn't it? Small.
Like this feeling.
He dropped his head in his hands and gazed thoughtfully at the water. Lately, he had surprised himself at his own thoughts. He had to admit, he had never been much of a thinker; but now his musings swirled around in his brain like storms that wouldn't subside. Maybe it was something about the absence of Raven…normally, she thought enough for the both of them. Now that she was gone, his own thoughts bore in heavily on his inexperienced mind. It was driving him crazy, much like that song…
Curiously, Beast Boy averted his gaze to the plastic bag that lie abandoned on the sand beside him. Through it a flash of penetrating blue was visible…the precise color that Raven always wore. It was maddening that the song was right there next to him, but he couldn't listen to it. He was sure that if he could only listen to it, some of this weight would be lifted off of him, and he would be able to sleep.
But he couldn't sleep. She haunted everything. As long as she slept, he could not…why was it that only a Raven who was not there made him feel like she was everywhere?
Why was it that time seemed to be passing more slowly than ever, and without her, as slow and calm and quiet as she was herself, there was no way he could speed it up? That made absolutely no sense.
While he was at it, why was a song that wouldn't go away slowly driving him insane? Why did he feel like someone had stabbed him in the chest and left him there to bleed? Why was her absence weathering him away on the inside…why was there this deadly, empty whiteness that seemed to be consuming him slowly without her darkness to counter it?
And why was it that he felt so damn alone?
Beast Boy knew he wasn't. He still had all the other Titans, and he knew they loved him like family. But what he felt was something entirely different.
One thing was for sure: he had never felt like this when she was around. Beast Boy had seen her nearly every day for the past year. And even when he didn't see her, she was there…that presence of hers hovering over him like an angel, looking out for him. Making sure he didn't drive himself crazy. Keeping him sane with her own sanity…
The truth was, she canceled him out. She balanced him. She was his sanity. Every single thing Raven said…the sarcasm to retort against his jokes, the quiet replies of wisdom to his thoughtless logic…over the past year, she had become like a second part of him that he needed as much as water or air. Before he knew her, he hadn't needed that. But now that she was a part of his life, he could not let her go.
Whoa…
Realizing the serious—well, sappiness of his thoughts, Beast Boy felt his face grow hot with personal embarrassment. This wasn't like him. He wanted desperately to snap himself out of it, but he knew he couldn't. Not until she had woken up, and made him feel like himself again.
She was cynical, and moody, and depressing. She was always so out of touch, so shut out from the world. But she possessed a cold that he longed for, because he was too warm…she had a darkness all around her that he needed, because he himself shone so brightly. And not once had she forsaken him.
Somewhat relieved at being able to finally disclose his thoughts, Beast Boy looked around him. It was the exact place that they had all been standing on long ago. After the H.I.V.E. had "borrowed" their Tower, and the Titans (minus Robin) had washed up on the shore, Cyborg had been furious. BB remembered everything like it had happened yesterday: he'd cracked some joke in a feeble attempt to lighten things up, and the half-robot had exploded on him. Beast Boy gave a slight chuckle. He could hear him now:
"Man, now is not the time!"
"Hey, I was just trying to—"
And then a hand. A cool, quiet, reassuring hand that stopped him in mid-sentence. Beast Boy looked up at Raven in defeat. That was her magic working. Not another person on this earth could have made him accept defeat…
Casting another extended glance at the bag beside him, Beast Boy stood abruptly, swinging down to pick up his gift in one hand. A few white flakes drifted down and melted on his cheek as he turned his face towards the wind.
He was ready now.
***
The automatic doors swished closed behind him, and a rush of warm air greeted Beast Boy upon his reentrance into the hospital.
His feelings no longer confused him.
He was going to get through this madness. He knew he was. And sooner or later, Raven was going to wake up.
There was hope in the boy's dark eyes as he brushed past the front desk in the lobby and waited for the elevator. When its doors flew open invitingly, he stepped on inside, allowing himself a deep, rejuvenating breath before pressing the button labeled 'Floor 2.'
Everything is going to be fine.
As he told himself this, he somehow knew that he wasn't lying. Raven is up there, and she's asleep; but she's going to get better. She is strong. She would sooner burst out laughing hysterically than give in to an untimely death.
The dirges of hope welled inside him, and suddenly he felt a deep, honest ability to survive. He was not dependent on Raven. Yes, he loved her, because she was his friend…only his friend. But he would give up this inner battle. Nothing he could do was going to wake her up, and it wasn't up to him to decide her fate. All he could do was hope for the best.
Beast Boy felt the elevator slow to a stop. He knew she was going to be all right. The world would not turn if Raven wasn't there, and she couldn't just die. That was an impossibility. She was omnipotent, and nothing brought her down so easily. He stepped out of the elevator, fearing her no longer.
Returning to his white surroundings, Beast Boy strode into the waiting room, his grin already prepared for his friends. He expected to see them sitting around doing random little things: reading magazines, playing Game Boys, listening to music. Instead, the sight of the other Titans brought a rather different image.
Cyborg stood with his arm against the wall, one hand covering his face in a gesture of a man stricken with grief. His cybernetic body was as still and unflinching as if he were asleep. Confused, Beast Boy's eyebrows furrowed, and he looked at each of the others in turn. Starfire had sunken into a chair, and was staring at the wall before her with wide, fearful eyes that did not blink. Her tanned fingers writhed nervously in her lap, and she looked almost like she was shaking. Beside her, Robin ran his hands through his charcoal hair and muttered something incomprehensible to himself. Suddenly, he lifted his eyes and saw Beast Boy.
The leader offered no words of explanation to his friend, but he continued to stare at him intently, as if his gaze would tell Beast Boy something that he himself could not. Sensing Robin's odd behavior, Starfire too looked up and allowed her emerald eyes to linger upon the green boy. Cyborg remained against the wall.
Looking from Robin to Starfire to Cyborg, Beast Boy gathered the courage to say something.
"What's goin' on?"
Cyborg turned around slowly to acknowledge his friend's presence, his arms dropping to his sides. Starfire's lip quivered, and she drummed her fingers together while gyrating to face Robin. He looked at his friends in desperation.
Beast Boy's voice cracked slightly. "What's goin' on?" he repeated softly, though some secret part of him already knew the answer.
Starfire continued to look at Robin pleadingly, and he grew uncomfortable underneath her expectant gaze. Each of the Titans stared at him in turn, begging their leader to admit what the rest of them were afraid to say. Finally, unwillingly, Robin spoke.
"Er…Beast Boy…there's something we have to tell you…" the Boy Wonder trailed off, apparently unable to continue in the unpleasant direction of the conversation. He looked to Cyborg helplessly.
"Well? What is it?" Beast Boy asked, annoyed with his friends at the secret they were keeping from him. "Spit it out!"
The cybernetic man shook his head softly at Robin and looked away, demonstrating that he could bear the news no better than his leader. There was a deadening silence in the room that seemed to strangle Beast Boy, and though he wanted desperately to break it, he couldn't seem to find the words.
At last Starfire stood from her chair and started toward Beast Boy, looking down directly into his eyes. She took him by the arm and led him to a seat. "Beast Boy, perhaps it would be best if you sat down first." There was a tremble to her voice that made the boy very afraid…something was definitely not right, and they weren't telling him what it was.
He lowered himself into the cushioned depths of the hospital chair and clutched its arm, a deadly hole seeming to grow in his stomach. Something was devouring him on the inside, and he bent over with the pain of it, his eyes wide and wandering. Starfire knelt down before him and took his green hand in hers.
"Beast Boy, the men of healing cannot allow Raven to stay here any longer."
Beast Boy sucked in his breath, waiting for the rest. However, the Tamaranean girl bent her head in defeat, pain etched over her features, and did not utter another word.
"And?" the green boy choked out. He reached up and began to rub his throat, as there was a considerably large lump in it that seemed to be growing by the second.
Starfire jerked her head up again to face Beast Boy, but she could not meet his eyes. The girl looked to the side slightly and began, so softly that it was barely a whisper, to tell the one thing that no one wanted to talk about; the one thing that the others were afraid to say.
"They say that if…if she has not awakened by the morning…they will have to…to…cut off the support of life. She has only tonight, Beast Boy."
Beast Boy's face became distorted in puzzlement. He looked away from the alien girl who continued to grasp his hand, and averted his gaze towards Robin, then Cyborg, in hopes that his other teammates could grant him an explanation. They could not. There was no other explanation. That was it. That was it?
Abruptly Robin spoke up, drawing strength from Starfire's grasp on the situation. "It's been a week," he began softly, nodding slowly with his eyes out of focus. "There isn't much more they can do for her."
Cyborg covered his face and dropped into a chair, shaking slightly.
Beast Boy did not see or hear any of them. Suddenly, his friends ceased to exist. He felt the paper bag slip from his grasp, but he did not try to pick it up again. What were they saying? Everything was becoming a whirling blur, an insane medley of white…everything seemed to turn to white…that was what was consuming him…
"What…what did ya say?" Beast Boy heard himself say. He watched himself from across the room. He heard himself whimper quietly. He was no longer in control of his body or anything he said; he watched helplessly as something possessed him and ate him away on the inside, taking over him, making the gaping hole in his stomach multiply in size and dominate everything that he once had in him. He tried to breathe, but no air came. He tried to cry, but all that emerged was a giggle.
Now that he thought about it, there really was something deliriously funny. He couldn't put his finger on it, but it was there…this was unbelievable…it was hilarious…
"That's…that's funny!" Beast Boy choked out, lost in convulsions of giggles. "No…it's really…hilarious…oh God…what did you say?"
Cyborg lifted his head from his hands and stared at the green boy, who was now laughing maniacally. The cybernetic teen's mouth fell open, his eyes narrowed dangerously, and he stood in defense.
"Man, what in the hell are you laughing about?" Cyborg began, starting toward his friend angrily. His mechanical hands were abruptly balled into menacing fists, and Starfire's eyes widened in fear. Beast Boy continued to giggle uproariously, unable to control this feeling, unable to stop what had taken over him. This was all a dream…
"Have you completely lost it?! Shut up!" continued Cyborg threateningly, one fist pounding into his open hand. "I swear to God, if you don't stop laughing like that…"
Starfire hovered in front of her friend defensively. "Cyborg, please! Do not harm him! I do not think he remembers…how to cry." At her own suggestion, the girl bit her lip and began to shiver, tears threatening in her eyes. She turned back to her green teammate, once again reaching for his hand.
"Beast Boy…please, allow us to assist you…"
"NO!"
One hand swatted the air furiously, narrowly missing Starfire's face, and Beast Boy held it there as if it could keep his friend away. He did not want her here. He did not want any of them. They were all unreal. Nothing was real anymore. He was going to wake up any second…in Titans Tower, where he would head to the kitchen and start breakfast, and Raven would walk in fifteen minutes later, hair tousled, eyes weary, cape fluttering around her ankles…and she would look at him with the eyes that bore into the most untouchable soul, and smile…
Partly because of the roughness of the gesture, partly because of the sting of the single word, and partly because of the overwhelming grief that radiated off of her friends, Starfire began to cry. She sank to the carpet and cupped her face in her hands, sobbing quietly and helplessly onto the floor. Above her, Beast Boy's giggles subsided, and he stared at Starfire in puzzlement. Why was she crying? What had happened?
Robin stood suddenly, but could not move from the spot—his feet seemed to be rooted to the ground, and though he opened his mouth to speak, no words emerged. Cyborg looked around, unsure of what to do, before practically fleeing to the elevator and disappearing down the shaft.
Raven was not here, and the only color that ever existed was white.
***
"Tell me that didn't just happen."
Beast Boy rubbed his leg anxiously, his eyes all but brimming over with the pain he felt—physical, emotional. The inside of Titans Tower was large and looming and dark, and he felt ready to succumb to it. He wondered if he had broken a bone…
"It did happen. But we cannot change the truth, no matter how much we dislike it."
Beast Boy did not look up. Her eyes were all too truthful. They held all the pent-up suffering of years. They contained all the darkness of ages.
Suddenly her hand reached out for him, as it had done many times before. A soft white glow formed around Raven's palms, and she touched his skin quietly, allowing his body to absorb the healing power.
Quickly, her hands retreated from Beast Boy's thigh, and she knelt before him, not asking for anything in return for her deed.
Beast Boy grinned at her. "Who knew we had a doctor in the house? Thanks."
Raven looked away. She stood.
"No problem."
***
Beast Boy trembled.
He was alone again.
It was cold in here…
We cannot change the truth, no matter how much we dislike it.
Slowly, the boy lifted his eyes to look around the room. Against the wall opposite him, Starfire and Robin were fast asleep, Starfire's head resting lightly on Robin's steady shoulder. Neither one of the two were really aware of their contact—it was a natural, harmonious thing that seemed to have come along out of the blue. The best friends, possibly more, unconsciously wrapped up in the comfort one another. Beast Boy inwardly scoffed. They looked so peaceful, sleeping like that…
A twinge of—what was that?—jealousy?—spread over his mind like some sort of brain-sucking alien. How was it fair that while they were asleep, oblivious to everyone and everything but each other, he was here all alone? Why had he been the one cursed with this? Why hadn't some unseen hand loaded his pain onto Robin or Starfire instead? Beast Boy suddenly wanted someone's shoulder to lay his head on, someone's arms to wrap around him and hold him there. He didn't want to face this alone. It struck him abruptly how much he ached for the touch of another person to soothe him; the brushing of human skin against his.
Surely he didn't deserve this. He hadn't done anything to deserve this…
An almost-physical pain shot up from somewhere in Beast Boy's chest. It was so bright in here—the whiteness leaping off the walls was threatening to dissolve him—he felt so blank, so numb—where was Cyborg?
He left. He got mad at you. Remember? When he said Raven was going to…and you laughed…he took the T-Car somewhere…he's gone…you don't have to deal with him anymore…
This is all such a nightmare…God, this is not happening…Raven…
Beast Boy began to feel sick. He was swimming in an ocean of white, and no one was there to throw him a lifeline. He squeezed his eyes shut, desperate for a color. Any color. Pining for the grains of color that sometimes filled his dreams, Beast Boy tried to sleep…just sleep…
This is a dream. Somebody pinch me…I just want to wake up…
Beast Boy's clenched fists were numb, and they shook with all the dire force of unreality. He bit his lip, longing to feel something, anything. Thankfully, after a few moments, he tasted the salt of his own blood.
Slowly, Beast Boy pressed an assuaging finger to his wound, and averted his unblinking gaze to the plastic bag in the chair beside him. Somehow, it seemed to…beckon.
Bid my blood to run
Before I come undone
Save me from the nothing
I've become…
Beast Boy let the song that wasn't there deluge his ears. He didn't care anymore. Let it kill him. Death brought peace anyway, right? Wasn't that what they always said? If he was dead, there would be nothing left to mourn…she wouldn't matter to him anymore…
Without a thought
Without a voice
Without a soul
Don't let me die here, there must be something more…
Beast Boy closed his burning eyes. She does matter to you.
Bring…me…to…life!
What happened next was as simple and clear as a pin drop in a silent room. A certain faith began to grow from somewhere within him, and Beast Boy's hand flew to his chest as if he were in terrible pain. In truth, he felt the numbness slowly melting and giving way to something vulnerable beneath. Something that had been devastated, but remained hopeful…some force that had lain dormant for a long time, waiting for its moment to burst free.
With the help of every last ounce of strength, determination, and courage he had left in his body, Beast Boy opened his eyes.
If anyone had been awake to witness this small act, they would have known what force it was that glinted deep in the pools of his dark orbs. They would have been able to diagnose the ailment that prevented Beast Boy from surrendering. They would have known the one thing he would go to the end of time and beyond for…
He stooped over and harnessed the plastic bag in his left hand. With his right he pushed himself up from the chair, faltering slightly.
Nothing mattered anymore. He had to see her.
Grasping a plastic bag and the scattered remains of his hope, the boy stood, and began in the direction his heart led him. Raven was still alive. As long as she was still breathing, her heart still beating strongly despite the frail condition of her body, he knew he had a prayer.
With a sharp inhalation of breath, Beast Boy swung open the door of Patient Room 124…
**************************************************************************************
To Be Continued…
Ah, cliffies. Don'cha love 'em?
While you are waiting, I have two things you can do.
Review. I promise, the more reviews I get, the faster the next chapter will come.2. Visit R&B 'Shippers United, the first R/BB coupling site on the web, which is now open to the public! It's amateur, yes, but all sites have to start somewhere. We've got evidence, fan fiction, even a photo gallery…you are all invited to join! ^^
