~ To start anew ~

by Ola

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A/N~ Really really sorry about not posting earlier. I meant to do it in the beginning of last week, but got very busy. I have good excuses too!: exams, study for exams, essays to write, and lots of administrative stuff to take care of for next year (rooming, classes, and the inherent problems coming with each…) and I was tired, and got sunburned, and got a blister on the palm of my hand, and I'm babbling… =) ok, I'll stop. Thank you VERY much for everyone who reviewed. I promise I'll upload the next chapter sooner. I'm glad you liked Laurenor's point of view =) and now, for those who are still sticking to this story, here is the next chapter:

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Part 3~ From dark shadows…to darker reality

Darkness.                     Soothing darkness.

And soft murmurs at the edge of consciousness. And…a presence. Sometimes more. But always that one…the one that never left.

                        Shadowy fog, thinning and thickening in alternation.

                                    Voices receding.

            Coolness on his face.

                                                                         A trickle of warm water.

Then again the overpowering darkness where no thoughts penetrate.                  No thoughts…              and no light.

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He felt a soft, warm blanket resting just underneath his chin. A blanket, a safe heaviness. A dim light filtered through his glazed and unfocused eyes, and his thoughts percolated in his empty mind like two pebbles in a large, empty metal box. He instinctively turned away form those thoughts, and let the darkness take him yet again, with that presence still at his side.

Many times he came to the edge of wakefulness, and many times he dropped back into the dark of the abyss…until one time, there was no darkness to turn too, no soothing obscurity to embrace him and lull him back to sleep. Only the ever-growing light…and the presence next to him.

"Legolas?" the voice was soft, and…uncertain? Uncertain of his wakefulness? Was he awake?

He slowly turned his head toward the sound. So slow. So tired. And the thoughts coming back. And images. Images of trees blurring by, of Laurenor's straining neck, of… of the wave of black. The sound of hooves, of clawed pads, of…of horrifying growls of rage.

And the pain.

And the memory of the…

"Yrchs! Ada! The attack! The message! Lord Elrond's message! The…"

"Sshhh, my son. Laurenor arrived in time. Mirkwood defeated the attack. Think no more of it." He felt a warm and callused hand stroke his hair from his forehead. "Peace. Sleep my little sunshine. I'll be here with you." His father's hand continued the caress, while the other lay on the mattress near his own hand.

So sleepy…so…

                                                so…tired…

Ada was here.                                                 

                                                                                    … Everything was all right…

He smiled; his eyes slightly lost their focus again. He turned his head back to stare absently at the ceiling, and a strand of golden hair slid onto his face, ticking his nose. He smiled again, feeling like a little elfling waiting for his ada to begin a good night story, while he was snuggled in his warm blankets, and his eyes were half glazed already.

He snuffed at the offending hair, only managing to tickle himself further. He meant to sweep it away with his hand, but only managed to jerk his shoulder. Was he so tired he could not even move his limbs? That had to be it. He was unaccustomedly tired. A feeling as if the world would blur and spin away at any minute.

But the hair still tickled. And he could not move it away.

He turned his head back toward his father…and saw in his eyes…sorrow? Pain?

Why?

He looked down at his father's other hand.

It was not near his own.

It was on it.

And he didn't even feel it…

Nor did he feel the weight of the blanket below his shoulders… or the mattress beneath his hands.

            …he didn't feel anything at all.

Except fear.

Because it all made sense.

The chase, the arrow, the agonizing pain in his back…the…he…

"Sunshine?" his father's eyes. The sorrow. The pain. Yes, it all made sense; a horrible, unthinkable sense.

He didn't know his father had taken his hand into both of his, and was rubbing it gently, until he glanced at it and saw what was happening to it. And that simple gesture brought tears to his eyes.

He turned his head away.

"Sunshine. I'm so sorry." A whisper, full of pain and unspilled tears.

"Why are you sorry." Legolas' voice was flat even to his own ears.

"I …I should have forbidden you to run that message. It was too dangerous. And I knew it. And I let you go. I'm sorry. I…"

"No ada. Please. I…I was so happy when you allowed me to join the messengers of the crown. I was happy you respected me as a grown up and believed in me. Please…don't take that away from me."

"Oh, sunshine…my son. I will always be proud of you. I love you more dearly than my own life. Never you forget that." There was a desperate force in those words even thought the voice was barely a whisper.

"I love you too ada. I always will. Don't…don't blame yourself. It wasn't your fault. You couldn't have known."

"You know me better than that sunshine."

A faint smile. "I do. But I also love you too much to make you sad."

"You never gave me cause to be angry at you Legolas. You were and still are a darling elfling."

"I'm not that young anymore ada." His lips stretched a little more, although the smile did not reach his eyes.

The elf King sighed. "No sunshine, you are not."

"Ada? Could you please leave me alone for a little while?"

"Of course." Thranduil kissed his son's forehead, and gently squeezed his shoulder before he stood up. "I'll be right outside. Call if you need anything. I'll come." He lingered for a moment, his worried eyes on his son's pale face, until Legolas turned his head away.

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The elven King softly closed the door behind him, and leaned his back against the wall.  His sorrow robbed him of his strength, and he slowly let himself slide to the polished wooden floor, where he brought his knees to his chest, and buried his face in his hands. Long he sat outside his son's room, stifling his sobs and tears, although they threatened to spill out at any moment.

His son. His precious little sunshine.

Why? Oh Eru, why? Give me strength. Give HIM strength. He needs it more than I. Please, I…I beg thee.

Guilt, sadness and fatherly love ran around in circles in his mind, shut out form the rest of the world. The rest of the world did not matter at this moment. It would go on turning. But Legolas…

Aii, Eru. Do not let him die of grief, for I will follow him. Give him strength. And hope.

The king startled at the sudden appearance of his son's healer. Had he been so immersed in pain as to fail hearing the faint footsteps? But there he was, his hand on the doorknob, his eyes respectfully turned away from his prostrated ruler.

"Healer Vanyar."

"My king?" The elf nodded his greeting, awaiting what he sensed was to follow.

"Please… leave Legolas a little time for himself… He knows." The healer nodded again, understanding and a sorrow of his own for his young prince shining clearly in his keen eyes.

"I will come back in half an hour to check on him."

"Thank you Vanyar."

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On the other side of the wall, Legolas stared at the ceiling, lying motionless.

But what else could I be doing? His mind voice dripped with sarcasm. And then, there was again pain, but the pain of the mind and the inner self. The self-loathing at what he would no doubt become, the fear, the sadness of what he would never be able to do, the sorrow he knew this must be causing his father.

His vision blurred, this time from tears that silently slid down his cheeks. Tears he could not wipe away. And that made them fall the faster. But even pummeled by emotions as he was, he caught the words that drifted from the hallway into his room.

"He knows."

Oh yes. He knows. And how he hates it.

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A/N~ so? Is that what you expected? The next part hopefully is coming soon. (hey, I hate waiting for stories, so I understand your pain. …or the lack of it for those of you who don't like this story =) please review! (what author doesn't like those? *wink wink*)