TOMB RAIDER: CHRONICLES - The Absurd Truth

storyline discovered by Triangular Circle

Disclaimer: None of this belongs to me. It's all true. Honest! ::crosses fingers::

chapter two - streets of home

When they reached the mansion of Croft Estate, Jeevo and Father Patrick met an unidentifiable bald man doing yoga in front of the main hall's bookcase. He was blue-eyed with a bit of stubble on his chin and upper lip. His clothes were of norm and he slightly bulged at the waist.

"Err... who are you?" Jeevo asked, but the man only shushed him and continued with his yogic stuff.

"Don't mind Baldy," Patrick whispered, coming to stand next to the butler. "I let him in the back door earlier. He wouldn't stop scratching to get in. Quite the peculiar creature, he is. Walks around on all fours and wails like a dying grouse."

Jeevo suddenly realized that Patrick's accent was Irish. "Father Patrick!" he cried, "What happened to that odd western accent you so very recently adopted?"

"I lost it in the car," Patrick said with a shrug. "A slippery little beast, it is. Crawled right from the tip of me larnyx. Now, let's go into the study and reminisce a bit over Ms. Croft's gruesome, mutilating death." He began to pull Jeevo into the study, which had replaced the kitchen.

"But we've already done so on several previous--" Jeevo began, but Baldy threw a sock at him and it landed conveniently in his mouth.

In the study, the two males sat at a spotless table and began to talk about Lara Croft's past adventures. The first of these adventures which they began to relive inside their brains was her quest to acquire the Piestuffer's Stone (don't ask how they managed this even when they had not been there to witness the adventure, for I have no clue).

The Piestuffer's Stone had been named for its creator, a young Roman boy who had stuffed a pie into the microwave and had forgotten about it for several years. The microwave ran for all several of these years, and when the pie came out it was hard as stone. There was nothing very important or intriguing about this stony pie, except that it was very burnt. So why anyone would risk rusty spikes and magical statuesque gladiators to find this pie is a baffling mystery indeed.

For whatever reason, perhaps a very rash appetite, Lara Croft had decided to go in search of the Piestuffer's Stone, and that is where the good part of this story begins. . .

***

"I like rocks that look like money," came Larson's very western voice from behind her as she watched the opera being performed below (the opera was called 'Listen to my Hideous Voice'). "But I like money more. Hand it over, stonethief."

Lara Croft turned around and smiled sarcastically. "I'm not a thief. Pierre's the one who lured me here for that piece of cra--"

"That ain't a nice thing for a polite gun-toting murderer like you to be sayin', now ain't it Miss Lara?" Larson said lazily. "Anyway, yeah. The cash? I got the Moolah Stone." He pulled a rock that resembled a dollar bill from his tuxedo shirtpocket.

"You're a gorilla," Lara said bluntly. "Where's Pierre?"

"I thought I killed him a while ago...?" Larson pondered aloud, holding his chin between his thumb and index finger.

"I'm right here, you baboon," Pierre said, slipping out of the shadows and pointing a revolver at Lara's head. "The resin statue of Ms. Croft is the one who got turned to bronze, not me."

"Oh, I 'member now!" Larson said, becoming very hyper and bouncing up and down in his seat. Pierre slapped him with an animal food-bowl and took the money from Lara. The money was in a floral basket.

"What the...?"

"I thought maybe you'd like flowers, too," Lara said, shining a clean smile. "They're daffodils. I picked them myself."

Pierre's eyes shone with unspilled tears and a wide smile spread across his face as he observed the hundred-dollar-bills that had been folded into origami rabbits and ducks. "How thoughtful."

Suddenly Lara grabbed the Moolah Stone from Larson and made a break for it, snickering. She hopped onto the balcony railing, which gave way under her and sent her plummeting. She managed to grab onto the stage curtain, but it ripped and tore, sending her (as well as one thousand pounds of red velvet fabric) falling into the crowd that had gathered for the opera.

"NO!" shouted Pierre. "It was supposed to be a backstabbing trick!"

Larson was giggling with joy and singing a virulent song.

Lara managed to pull herself free from the pile of hostile fabric, and fled the area after stealing Haruko's yellow vespid. Pierre and Larson had jumped onto the scooter from Dumb and Dumber, and were in hot pursuit.

The chase momentarily halted when Lara crashed into an old man's fencepost and ran along the sidewalk by foot. She made her way to an area with a fountain, and nearly lost an arm to a rabid girl (the doberman just watched and yawned). Longing to take a breather, she trekked through courtyards and found a shadetree, where she sat for several hours.

When she decided to continue looking for the Piestuffer's Stone, she found herself wandering amongst the people of the village. "Welcome to Home," they would call, and it was not until Lara saw a sign reading "Home's Best Bakery" that she realized this city was literally called Home. She wondered why.

Finally there was a place where no one else had dared to go--behind the gold fence. So Lara went there to escape the nagging townspeople, and it was by accident that she found the location of the Stone. There was a locked door on the side of a building, and next to it stood a tourist-guide plaque. It read:

"HERE LIES THE LEGENDARY PIESTUFFER'S STONE, A LEGENDARY ARTIFACT THAT IS SOUGHT ONLY BY THE MOST VORACIOUSLY MALNUTRITIONED. IT WAS CREATED IN 200 A.D. BY A YOUNG ROMAN (NOW HOMAN) BOY WHO LEFT A PIE INSIDE OF A MICROWAVE FOR FIVE CONSECUTIVE YEARS. IT IS NOT CERTAIN WHY EXACTLY THIS STONE IS SO LEGENDARY, BUT I'M NOT ALLOWED TO SPEAK NEGATIVELY, LEST I MISS OUT ON MY PAYCHECK. BESIDES, IT MUST BE GREAT IF SO MANY PEOPLE COME TO SEE IT, RIGHT? ANYWAYS, THE FUNNY THING IS THAT MOST PEOPLE COME HERE NOT KNOWING THAT THE PIESTUFFER'S STONE IS BEHIND A LOCKED DOOR THAT CAN NEVER, EVER BE OPENED. HAHA. SUCKERS."

Lara looked around, suddenly hearing the sound of a dying grouse.

"Birds, I wouldn't wonder," she said quietly to herself. "BIG birds. Like on Sesame Street. Oh, let's all go to SESAME STREEEEEEET!" And she skipped merrily along the next alleyway.

Up on a nearby rooftop, Pierre was dragging Larson back up onto the solid shingles after a particularly dangerous slip. "Sacrebleu!" Pierre cried, being of French decent. "Croft was right! You are a gorilla, not a baboon!" He was struggling to pull the three-hundred-pound man to safety, but was failing miserably. Finally, when Larson decided he would rather not be a splatter on the elegant brick road, he heaved himself back up onto the roof.

Upon regaining his footing, Larson began to shoot at the alleyway that Lara had disappeared into, hoping the tiny bullets would somehow break through the stone and locate her.

"DIAPER!" Pierre cried, smacking Larson with the now-trademark pet food bowl. "What are you doing, trying to kill her?!"

"Duh, boss. What else would I be doing when I shoot a gun at her?"

"That's not what I meant, gorilla! We cannot kill her!" Pierre stormed, smacking the gun with the now-trademark pet food bowl.

"Why not?" Larson demanded.

"Well," Pierre stuttered. "I--I-- well, the origamis were very nice. . . But we need that woman to collect the rest of the Stones for us. You know, the ones that are used to open that unopenable door that leads to the Piestuffer's Stone. How could you overlook that crucial bit of detail?!"

"I'll let you know, after I figure out why you don't know what happens when you shoot people," Larson smirked.

Wow, he got really technical all of a sudden, didn't he?

"You WERE kicked in the head by a horse, oui?" Pierre said maliciously, playing on his partner-in-crime's western accent. "So the brain doesn't work correctly?"

"No," Larson said, beaming proudly. "It was a cow."

Pierre smacked himself in the forehead and shook his head in dismissal. "Nevermind," was his hasty reply. "Now, let's get off this roof. And. . . I will buy you a milkshake."

"I don't like milkshakes," Larson whined. "I want a Mc Flurry!"

"Fine, fine!" Pierre screamed frustratedly. "Just quit being so technical!!!11one"

***

Even though Lara stayed out searching for the rest of the Stones for two days, the sky never grew dark and the Earth never rotated around the sun properly. But this was of no concern to her, for she had already found three Stones: the Plastic Stone, the Shredded Wood Stone, and the Tapeworm Stone. Now that she had all four, she headed to the tourist-guide plaque.

At first she thought maybe there were some cleverly-hidden slots in which to place the Stones, so that the door would open. But this seemed insane, so she used a more logical technique. She threw the Stones at the door and demand that it open, or she wouldn't be its friend anymore.

As the door opened, Pierre and Larson came out of nowhere and pointed their guns at her.

"To protect the world from devastation--!" Pierre began, but cut himself off. "Oops. I guess having more than one show to do is more complicated than I thought. Ahem. The Stones, Miss Croft?"

"To unite all people within our nation-- OW!" Larson yelped as Pierre smacked him with the pet food bowl once more. "The OTHER script," Pierre whispered. Lara stared at them like they were both nutcases, and continued throwing rocks at the door, even though it was open.

"Hand over the Stones, Miss Croft!" Pierre roared. "Or--oh! The door's open!" And he ran inside, dragging Larson behind him. Lara did not notice until the sun had finally decided to go down, whereupon she followed and found herself where no human had been before. Literally.