TOMB RAIDER: CHRONICLES - The Absurd Truth
storyline discovered by Triangular Circle
Disclaimer: None of this belongs to me! The plot really happened! Believe me. . . please? .;
chapter three - trashy underground markets
Lara did not have an opportunity to see where Pierre and Larson had disappeared to, for she was much too busy flailing her arms like a maniac as she slid down the smooth limestone of the conveniently-placed incline. When she had at last reached the bottom and had a chance to stand properly, she clutched her head and looked around. Everywhere, every which way she turned her dizzy eyes, she saw gladiator dudes buying fruit or flour, bartering for goods, or raising a general chitchat.
"Welcome to Home's finest market, the TUMs," greeted a friendly gladiator. "TUMs stands for Trashy Underground Markets, but a lot of mean people like to link us with Tums (the medicine). I'm Glad Bag the Trash Bag Gladiator!" And he ran off in a flurry of Glad (TM) garbage bags. Lara blinked once. Then twice. Then walked on through the TUMs, wondering what bizarre stuff might pop out at her next.
Out of nowhere came a half-eaten Pop-Tart, for starters. Then there was a camel with a headcold and a banana who was all peel and no meat. The best attraction of them all, however, was a mousepad with built in windsheild- wipers. Lara was highly fascinated by this artifact, despite its uselessness.
The heart of the TUMs was not crowded in the least. Not crowded with gladiators, at least. For at the centre of the market was the decomposing trash heap; the sacred icon of the TUMs, from which it had taken its name.
Lara made her way past this pile and nearly slipped to her doom as she stepped onto yet another conveniently placed incline. As she pulled herself back up, she found herself face-to-face with a disembodied head effigy. It resembled the gladiators, save that it had glowing green eyes and was a hundred thousand times larger! It hovered before her and cried. . .
"I need glasses! Lord help meee!"
Lara stepped forward and tried to make her presence known. "Hello," she began. "Is there anything I may be able to help you with?"
The effigy just looked down at her and scoffed. "Traitor! You're another one of those cool little human thingys that can see just fine without glasses, aren't you?"
Lara nodded. "Though sometimes I need my sunglasses to see when it's really bright outsi--"
"Ohhhhh!" the effigy yelled, "This headache! It feels like there's fire in my eye sockets! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!!" And suddenly, a stream of flame shot from its eyeball and directly towards Lara. Lara slipped on another conveniently placed incline, and accidentally missed the fire, but the effigy had suddenly become a raging pyromaniac and began to laugh and shoot flames at her.
Lara got out a water gun and tried to douse the flames as they came speeding toward her, but they evaporated the water and clung onto her furiously. Lara screamed and let go of the ledge, but landed in a pool of water, where she was attacked by a half-great-white-shark, half-crocodile, half-poodle, half-jellyfish.
She was weary and charred when she came to a nice open place where she could pull herself to dry land (well, partially dry). The Piestuffer's Stone was still nowhere to be seen. She was no longer underground, either. The sun shone brightly upon the brick road and cooked the air to boiling temperatures, which irked Lara's burnt exterior. She trudged uselessy into a nearby building, and was not expecting to run into the gorilla.
"I know you got the Pieshover-or-whatnot Stone, Lara!" Larson bellowed. "Toss it over or feel my wrath!"
"Really," Lara gasped exhaustedly. "I don't have it. But I do have this old peice of crumbling cake from last year's Fourth of July. . ."
"OH! Gimme!" Larson whinnied, dropping his weapon and jumping up and down impatiently. Lara smirked.
"It's mine."
The gorilla-of-a-man stopped being hyper and picked up the gun he had momentarily forgotten about, pointing it at her. He pulled the trigger. Lara dodged and threw the cake at him. It missed his face and landed splat on the ground, and he slid on it and busted his head on the floor.
Suddenly the effigy appeared behind him, smiling like a sweet old grandma. "Larson," Lara cried. "Behind you!"
"My rear end might be as big as a baboon's, but I ain't gonna FALL for that again!" he chortled. "Get it? FALL? Like I fell on the cake? Hee hee hee!"
"GIVE ME GLASSES!" screamed the effigy, and the fire came racing towards the two puny mortals, who were both caught on fire. They wriggled like dying fish, and finally Lara managed to douse them both with the water gun. The effigy had a big tantrum, smashed Larson to his death against the wall, and disappeared disgruntledly. Lara puffed a sigh of relief and headed onward for the Stone.
She slipped yet again on another conveniently placed incline, grabbed the ledge, and looked up to see Pierre standing over her. "Wow, Zip was right," Pierre gasped. "You DO hang by your cuticles in armpit backwater countries."
"Thanks," Lara muttered. "Would you like to stop for tea as well?"
Pierre looked at her bizarrely and pointed his automatics at her. "Nope. But I'd like it if you handed over the Piestuffer's Stone. Else you might find yourself in that deep pit which you are so carelessly hanging over."
"How about you pull me up, I give you the Stone, and we live happily ever after in Cinderella's castle with our pet tapeworm?" Lara offered. "'Cause I definitely have the Stone."
Pierre thought for a moment. "We all live happily ever after? Can we have origamis?"
"Sure," Lara piped up. "But, yanno. . . I'm sorta losing my grip on this ledge. Can you just pull me up now?"
"You must promise," Pierre replied, "That you will not lie a finger on me-- or my lovely leather jacket--once I pull you to safety. Is that clear?"
Lara nodded, and he grabbed her arm and flung her from the pit. "Now give me the pie, Miss Croft!"
Lara smacked a very fresh, undercooked pie in his face, shoved him off the cliff, and ran off giggling. As she made her way through, she found the TUMs exit and a sign that read:
"WOW. YOU ACTUALLY MADE IT THIS FAR? I'D THOUGHT FOR SURE THAT OUR LARSON AND PIERRE ROBOTS WOULD GET YOU BY NOW. OH WELL. PREPARE TO SEE THE PIESTUFFER'S STONE!"
storyline discovered by Triangular Circle
Disclaimer: None of this belongs to me! The plot really happened! Believe me. . . please? .;
chapter three - trashy underground markets
Lara did not have an opportunity to see where Pierre and Larson had disappeared to, for she was much too busy flailing her arms like a maniac as she slid down the smooth limestone of the conveniently-placed incline. When she had at last reached the bottom and had a chance to stand properly, she clutched her head and looked around. Everywhere, every which way she turned her dizzy eyes, she saw gladiator dudes buying fruit or flour, bartering for goods, or raising a general chitchat.
"Welcome to Home's finest market, the TUMs," greeted a friendly gladiator. "TUMs stands for Trashy Underground Markets, but a lot of mean people like to link us with Tums (the medicine). I'm Glad Bag the Trash Bag Gladiator!" And he ran off in a flurry of Glad (TM) garbage bags. Lara blinked once. Then twice. Then walked on through the TUMs, wondering what bizarre stuff might pop out at her next.
Out of nowhere came a half-eaten Pop-Tart, for starters. Then there was a camel with a headcold and a banana who was all peel and no meat. The best attraction of them all, however, was a mousepad with built in windsheild- wipers. Lara was highly fascinated by this artifact, despite its uselessness.
The heart of the TUMs was not crowded in the least. Not crowded with gladiators, at least. For at the centre of the market was the decomposing trash heap; the sacred icon of the TUMs, from which it had taken its name.
Lara made her way past this pile and nearly slipped to her doom as she stepped onto yet another conveniently placed incline. As she pulled herself back up, she found herself face-to-face with a disembodied head effigy. It resembled the gladiators, save that it had glowing green eyes and was a hundred thousand times larger! It hovered before her and cried. . .
"I need glasses! Lord help meee!"
Lara stepped forward and tried to make her presence known. "Hello," she began. "Is there anything I may be able to help you with?"
The effigy just looked down at her and scoffed. "Traitor! You're another one of those cool little human thingys that can see just fine without glasses, aren't you?"
Lara nodded. "Though sometimes I need my sunglasses to see when it's really bright outsi--"
"Ohhhhh!" the effigy yelled, "This headache! It feels like there's fire in my eye sockets! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!!" And suddenly, a stream of flame shot from its eyeball and directly towards Lara. Lara slipped on another conveniently placed incline, and accidentally missed the fire, but the effigy had suddenly become a raging pyromaniac and began to laugh and shoot flames at her.
Lara got out a water gun and tried to douse the flames as they came speeding toward her, but they evaporated the water and clung onto her furiously. Lara screamed and let go of the ledge, but landed in a pool of water, where she was attacked by a half-great-white-shark, half-crocodile, half-poodle, half-jellyfish.
She was weary and charred when she came to a nice open place where she could pull herself to dry land (well, partially dry). The Piestuffer's Stone was still nowhere to be seen. She was no longer underground, either. The sun shone brightly upon the brick road and cooked the air to boiling temperatures, which irked Lara's burnt exterior. She trudged uselessy into a nearby building, and was not expecting to run into the gorilla.
"I know you got the Pieshover-or-whatnot Stone, Lara!" Larson bellowed. "Toss it over or feel my wrath!"
"Really," Lara gasped exhaustedly. "I don't have it. But I do have this old peice of crumbling cake from last year's Fourth of July. . ."
"OH! Gimme!" Larson whinnied, dropping his weapon and jumping up and down impatiently. Lara smirked.
"It's mine."
The gorilla-of-a-man stopped being hyper and picked up the gun he had momentarily forgotten about, pointing it at her. He pulled the trigger. Lara dodged and threw the cake at him. It missed his face and landed splat on the ground, and he slid on it and busted his head on the floor.
Suddenly the effigy appeared behind him, smiling like a sweet old grandma. "Larson," Lara cried. "Behind you!"
"My rear end might be as big as a baboon's, but I ain't gonna FALL for that again!" he chortled. "Get it? FALL? Like I fell on the cake? Hee hee hee!"
"GIVE ME GLASSES!" screamed the effigy, and the fire came racing towards the two puny mortals, who were both caught on fire. They wriggled like dying fish, and finally Lara managed to douse them both with the water gun. The effigy had a big tantrum, smashed Larson to his death against the wall, and disappeared disgruntledly. Lara puffed a sigh of relief and headed onward for the Stone.
She slipped yet again on another conveniently placed incline, grabbed the ledge, and looked up to see Pierre standing over her. "Wow, Zip was right," Pierre gasped. "You DO hang by your cuticles in armpit backwater countries."
"Thanks," Lara muttered. "Would you like to stop for tea as well?"
Pierre looked at her bizarrely and pointed his automatics at her. "Nope. But I'd like it if you handed over the Piestuffer's Stone. Else you might find yourself in that deep pit which you are so carelessly hanging over."
"How about you pull me up, I give you the Stone, and we live happily ever after in Cinderella's castle with our pet tapeworm?" Lara offered. "'Cause I definitely have the Stone."
Pierre thought for a moment. "We all live happily ever after? Can we have origamis?"
"Sure," Lara piped up. "But, yanno. . . I'm sorta losing my grip on this ledge. Can you just pull me up now?"
"You must promise," Pierre replied, "That you will not lie a finger on me-- or my lovely leather jacket--once I pull you to safety. Is that clear?"
Lara nodded, and he grabbed her arm and flung her from the pit. "Now give me the pie, Miss Croft!"
Lara smacked a very fresh, undercooked pie in his face, shoved him off the cliff, and ran off giggling. As she made her way through, she found the TUMs exit and a sign that read:
"WOW. YOU ACTUALLY MADE IT THIS FAR? I'D THOUGHT FOR SURE THAT OUR LARSON AND PIERRE ROBOTS WOULD GET YOU BY NOW. OH WELL. PREPARE TO SEE THE PIESTUFFER'S STONE!"
