TOMB RAIDER: CHRONICLES - The Absurd Truth
storyline discovered by Triangular Circle
Disclaimer: I did not conceive this plot, nor did I make up any of the characters, etc. Seriously. It's all ver much nonfiction.
chapter four - crumblingcheeseon
Lara would have pretty much guessed that there would be a conveniently placed incline waiting for her, had she been sane. But, being mentally unstable (and we love her for it), she had hoped there would be lime Jell- O. There was not any. Aww.
She slid down the incline, and almost yelped with joy when she found herself lying in a pile of squishy something. . .not quite Jell-O, but. . .
"CHEESE!" she cried. "Cheese is very nice. Better than origamis." She began to eat some, but a gladiator ran out and slapped her.
"Darest thou eat the construction materials of the Great Crumblingcheeseon?!"
"It's CHEESE," Lara said, annoyedly. "You EAT cheese. You don't 'construction materials' with it." She began to eat some more, her tastebuds deciphering that it was parmesan, but the gladiator picked her up by her backpack and pointed at the wall.
"Do you not see that of which this venue is built?" he demanded rather than asked. "Thy hunger or pleasure, whichever it may be, shall prove our suffocation if you act out the mouse and consume the cheese!"
Lara stared at him and began to scream for help. She had no idea that the gladiator had said a fancy version of, "The building is made of cheese! If you eat the cheese, the whole place will cave in, silly girl!"
"Thouest obviously are having much trouble in hearing my tongue. I shall place you before my ruler, who speaks your strange language with great elaborance." And the gladiator dragged her off to see the emperor.
The emperor was not. In fact, he had never been. It was the gladiator's primitive imagination that had created this concept of "emperor", so Lara had a chance to escape while the gladiator stared in horror at an empty throne (the throne being a rundown, oversized banjo).
Lara went along her way, stuffing her backpack with cheese, and stopped dead in her tracks when something shiny caught her eye. She peered around and finally saw an aluminum can lying half-buried in some cheese that had become shredded.
Now, most people would see a can and either ignore it or kick it. Kick-the- can is quite the national sport. But Lara looked at the can and saw an object of utter perfection; brilliance. And it was wonderfully rusting, besides. Kneeling down on all-fours, she picked the can from its cheesy prison and looked at it admiringly.
"I should start a collection of used, abandoned, and lonely cans," she said aloud. She searched for a label, found not any, and placed the can in her backpack. "How I love cans."
***
"We have much reason to believe that there is a cheese-crazed maniac on the loose within the Crumblingcheeseon," said Glad Bag the Trash Bag Gladiator. "This maniac was also spotted rescuing an unidentifiable aluminum can not long ago."
"Send in the Swiss Lions," called another gladiator, "and lure the cheese maniac to a Cheese Deprivation Management class."
Glad Bag went in search of Ms. Croft and found her opening the vault that contained the Piestuffer's Stone (she had no idea what was inside, and was hoping to find some cans).
"Get yer grubby piestealin' hands outa thurr!" cried Glad Bag in another flurry of Glad (TM) trash bags. He hurled himself forward and grabbed ahold of her meat-legs, whereupon he dragged her to the edge of the building. Lara stared out from the window.
"This looks just like the Coloseum," she mused, "Except made of cheese."
"The outside world thinks it's called the Coloseum, and that it's made of stone," Glad Bag replied. "We had to keep the Crumblingcheeseon a secret, or else Wisconsin and Switzerland would have taken over by now." He stared into space as if remembering fond pasttimes, and Lara escaped his clutches. She ran back to the vault, reached inside, and--without knowing what it was- -pulled out the Piestuffer's Stone.
Suddenly everything was chaos; Glad Bag bellowed, several hundred other gladiators burst from a nearby doorway, a pack of Swiss Lions jumped in from lofty positions on the window sills, and a glass of water fell over. Before she could do anything, Lara had to refuel her depleting energy level. With nothing better at hand, she shoved the Piestuffer's Stone into her mouth and consumed it in one bite.
Now endowed with Ubercool Superhero Strengths and Weaknesses (U.S.S.a.W.), she pushed the gladiators, Swiss Lions, and glass of water aside easily and sped home. Home to Surrey, that is. Her adventure in Home, Italy, was over. The memories faded and we once again see ourselves in the Croft Estate with Father Patrick and Jeevo.
storyline discovered by Triangular Circle
Disclaimer: I did not conceive this plot, nor did I make up any of the characters, etc. Seriously. It's all ver much nonfiction.
chapter four - crumblingcheeseon
Lara would have pretty much guessed that there would be a conveniently placed incline waiting for her, had she been sane. But, being mentally unstable (and we love her for it), she had hoped there would be lime Jell- O. There was not any. Aww.
She slid down the incline, and almost yelped with joy when she found herself lying in a pile of squishy something. . .not quite Jell-O, but. . .
"CHEESE!" she cried. "Cheese is very nice. Better than origamis." She began to eat some, but a gladiator ran out and slapped her.
"Darest thou eat the construction materials of the Great Crumblingcheeseon?!"
"It's CHEESE," Lara said, annoyedly. "You EAT cheese. You don't 'construction materials' with it." She began to eat some more, her tastebuds deciphering that it was parmesan, but the gladiator picked her up by her backpack and pointed at the wall.
"Do you not see that of which this venue is built?" he demanded rather than asked. "Thy hunger or pleasure, whichever it may be, shall prove our suffocation if you act out the mouse and consume the cheese!"
Lara stared at him and began to scream for help. She had no idea that the gladiator had said a fancy version of, "The building is made of cheese! If you eat the cheese, the whole place will cave in, silly girl!"
"Thouest obviously are having much trouble in hearing my tongue. I shall place you before my ruler, who speaks your strange language with great elaborance." And the gladiator dragged her off to see the emperor.
The emperor was not. In fact, he had never been. It was the gladiator's primitive imagination that had created this concept of "emperor", so Lara had a chance to escape while the gladiator stared in horror at an empty throne (the throne being a rundown, oversized banjo).
Lara went along her way, stuffing her backpack with cheese, and stopped dead in her tracks when something shiny caught her eye. She peered around and finally saw an aluminum can lying half-buried in some cheese that had become shredded.
Now, most people would see a can and either ignore it or kick it. Kick-the- can is quite the national sport. But Lara looked at the can and saw an object of utter perfection; brilliance. And it was wonderfully rusting, besides. Kneeling down on all-fours, she picked the can from its cheesy prison and looked at it admiringly.
"I should start a collection of used, abandoned, and lonely cans," she said aloud. She searched for a label, found not any, and placed the can in her backpack. "How I love cans."
***
"We have much reason to believe that there is a cheese-crazed maniac on the loose within the Crumblingcheeseon," said Glad Bag the Trash Bag Gladiator. "This maniac was also spotted rescuing an unidentifiable aluminum can not long ago."
"Send in the Swiss Lions," called another gladiator, "and lure the cheese maniac to a Cheese Deprivation Management class."
Glad Bag went in search of Ms. Croft and found her opening the vault that contained the Piestuffer's Stone (she had no idea what was inside, and was hoping to find some cans).
"Get yer grubby piestealin' hands outa thurr!" cried Glad Bag in another flurry of Glad (TM) trash bags. He hurled himself forward and grabbed ahold of her meat-legs, whereupon he dragged her to the edge of the building. Lara stared out from the window.
"This looks just like the Coloseum," she mused, "Except made of cheese."
"The outside world thinks it's called the Coloseum, and that it's made of stone," Glad Bag replied. "We had to keep the Crumblingcheeseon a secret, or else Wisconsin and Switzerland would have taken over by now." He stared into space as if remembering fond pasttimes, and Lara escaped his clutches. She ran back to the vault, reached inside, and--without knowing what it was- -pulled out the Piestuffer's Stone.
Suddenly everything was chaos; Glad Bag bellowed, several hundred other gladiators burst from a nearby doorway, a pack of Swiss Lions jumped in from lofty positions on the window sills, and a glass of water fell over. Before she could do anything, Lara had to refuel her depleting energy level. With nothing better at hand, she shoved the Piestuffer's Stone into her mouth and consumed it in one bite.
Now endowed with Ubercool Superhero Strengths and Weaknesses (U.S.S.a.W.), she pushed the gladiators, Swiss Lions, and glass of water aside easily and sped home. Home to Surrey, that is. Her adventure in Home, Italy, was over. The memories faded and we once again see ourselves in the Croft Estate with Father Patrick and Jeevo.
