TOMB RAIDER: CHRONICLES -The Absurd Truth
storyline discovered by Triangular Circle
Disclaimer: It's reaaal! Real, I tell you--! Oh, pudding! ^^ ::eats pudding::
chapter five - face
Father Patrick looked into the fireplace of the study and sighed.
"Have I ever told either of you doozers about Lara's adventure on the stricken Alaskanmalamute ship?" asked Baldy, coming in from the front hall. "I'm finished painting graffiti on the hall walls, and would be happy to tell you the story, since I have nothing better to do. Oops. Wasn't supposed to say that. . ."
"Pray tell," Jeevo encouraged.
"Well," Baldy began, "Our dear Miss Croft simply does not know when to give up, does she? After all, that's why she's dead. Also proving this point is the time when she went after the Skewer of Coincidence. Alas, it was no coincidence that the Skewer was at the bottom of the ocean on an abandoned Y-boat. There was quite a storyline imbedded within, including the mysterious owners of the boat: a secret organization called Y-CAN. There is absolutely nothing known about them, so I digress. Anyways, I was with Lara when she had decided to go after this Skewer. . ."
***
"These binoculars are a ripoff," Lara growled at Baldy, looking through them and smiting them occasionally to let them know how bad they were being.
"Hey, I got 'em at the Dollar Store, what do you expect?!" was Baldy's far- from-calm answer. "Do you see any Mafia down there?"
Lara continued straining her eyes with the ripoff mini-telescope. "Not yet," she said. "But there's a really cool spider in that tree."
"Spiders went extinct here in Russia five billion years ago," Baldy snorted. "You must be looking at a crab. They're very plentiful in these parts. In fact, I got attacked by a giant monster crab when I was fishing on Lake Bakail. . ."
"Hold on," Lara whispered hoarsely. "Some freaks just arrived at the base down there! They're--"
"The 'base' is called the FACE," Baldy interrupted. "I believe 'FACE' stands for 'Freakish Anti-airconditioning Can-haters Entrance'. It's the building that serves as the headquarters for an organization also called FACE, which also stands for 'Freakish Anti-can Clowns Et cetera'. The organization FACE is on a quest to destroy all cans in the world and force everyone to drink from toddler cups. You know, the kinds with lids and the little spouts on the top."
"Sounds dangerous," Lara said grimly. "The freaks just arrived in a vehicle that resembles a giant toddler cup." She looked through the binoculars again, but became so frustrated with them that she threw them down in the snow and stomped on them. "I'm going now."
"Hold on!" Baldy cried. "You can't just GO down there! What if they smell you?!"
"Don't worry, Baldy," was Lara's answer. "I can reach the cookie jar by myself now." And then she was off, running down the hillside and toward the FACE, putting on deoderant.
***
Lara slid down the ventilation shaft, already sweating in her grey long underwear pajamas (that was the best she could come up with for a camouflaged uniform thingy). FACE obviously was anti-air conditioning, because the ventilation shaft was as still as a dead fly.
She fell down some stairs, came to an open area, and peered into what looked like a giant warehouse. There was a giant claw on the ceiling, and it was being used to pick up giant toddler cups, loading them onto train carts that were disappearing into dark tunnels. Lara sneaked into another hallway, pressed herself up agaisnt a door to avoid the security worker walking past, and fell over through the doorway as it opened against her weight.
It led to an outdoor balcony, which overlooked a wharf. Parked in this wharf was a large submarine, painted bright toddler-cup-yellow with the words 'Welcome Aboard the Alaskanmalamute Ship'. Below the balcony stood two Russian men, talking. Lara listened closely to the two.
"Your little FACE workers are lazy and inconsiderate," spoke the larger of the two men. "My Mafia dudes could load up this submarine twice as fast!"
"I apologize, Sergei," said the other, who looked offended. "But FACE is rather troubled at the moment, having been ransacked and tied to a flagpole- -"
"Relax, YaroPez," Sergei said, smacking him in the back of the head. "There are two bombs--I mean, two SACKS OF PEZ CANDY inside the submarine, waiting for you. . ."
"Really? Pez?" piped up YaroPez. "Hee hee, thanks. . ."
The two men walked toward the submarine and watched a sunburned guy loading giant boxes of stuff onto the vessel. Lara hopped down once they had gone into the sub, and followed after them.
She found that she had to have a special object to get in--a toddler cup with a computer chip in it. So she ran back into the building and made her way to a control room where two security guards were sitting around, guarding a stash of the toddler cups. She listened to them talking.
"I really, really wish I woulda had one of these toddler cups when I was a toddler," said Guard A (named such because his mother had really bad taste).
"I had one," said Guard B. "I was the unluckiest thing in the world."
Guard A stared at him and frowned. "I thought we were all supposed to love them?" he asked. "Else YaroPez wouldn't have hired us."
"Oh, right! Did I say I was UNlucky? I meant LUCKY. . . heh. . ."
Lara suspected that there was something fishy going on, but dismissed it. She waited until the two guards had looked away, and snuck into the room to snatch one of the toddler cups. Just as she got ahold of one, a guard turned around and looked at her. She froze, but all he did was smile and look away. Lara noticed a toddler cup full of beer on his desk, giggled at his drunkenness, and leaped away to the submarine.
She used the cup to gain access into the sub, fought off some rabid sunburned guys with really yellow hair, and sat down in the hold along with the giant toddler cups, hoping the Alaskanmalamute Ship would take off soon; the Skewer of Coincidence wasn't going to wait forever. . .
storyline discovered by Triangular Circle
Disclaimer: It's reaaal! Real, I tell you--! Oh, pudding! ^^ ::eats pudding::
chapter five - face
Father Patrick looked into the fireplace of the study and sighed.
"Have I ever told either of you doozers about Lara's adventure on the stricken Alaskanmalamute ship?" asked Baldy, coming in from the front hall. "I'm finished painting graffiti on the hall walls, and would be happy to tell you the story, since I have nothing better to do. Oops. Wasn't supposed to say that. . ."
"Pray tell," Jeevo encouraged.
"Well," Baldy began, "Our dear Miss Croft simply does not know when to give up, does she? After all, that's why she's dead. Also proving this point is the time when she went after the Skewer of Coincidence. Alas, it was no coincidence that the Skewer was at the bottom of the ocean on an abandoned Y-boat. There was quite a storyline imbedded within, including the mysterious owners of the boat: a secret organization called Y-CAN. There is absolutely nothing known about them, so I digress. Anyways, I was with Lara when she had decided to go after this Skewer. . ."
***
"These binoculars are a ripoff," Lara growled at Baldy, looking through them and smiting them occasionally to let them know how bad they were being.
"Hey, I got 'em at the Dollar Store, what do you expect?!" was Baldy's far- from-calm answer. "Do you see any Mafia down there?"
Lara continued straining her eyes with the ripoff mini-telescope. "Not yet," she said. "But there's a really cool spider in that tree."
"Spiders went extinct here in Russia five billion years ago," Baldy snorted. "You must be looking at a crab. They're very plentiful in these parts. In fact, I got attacked by a giant monster crab when I was fishing on Lake Bakail. . ."
"Hold on," Lara whispered hoarsely. "Some freaks just arrived at the base down there! They're--"
"The 'base' is called the FACE," Baldy interrupted. "I believe 'FACE' stands for 'Freakish Anti-airconditioning Can-haters Entrance'. It's the building that serves as the headquarters for an organization also called FACE, which also stands for 'Freakish Anti-can Clowns Et cetera'. The organization FACE is on a quest to destroy all cans in the world and force everyone to drink from toddler cups. You know, the kinds with lids and the little spouts on the top."
"Sounds dangerous," Lara said grimly. "The freaks just arrived in a vehicle that resembles a giant toddler cup." She looked through the binoculars again, but became so frustrated with them that she threw them down in the snow and stomped on them. "I'm going now."
"Hold on!" Baldy cried. "You can't just GO down there! What if they smell you?!"
"Don't worry, Baldy," was Lara's answer. "I can reach the cookie jar by myself now." And then she was off, running down the hillside and toward the FACE, putting on deoderant.
***
Lara slid down the ventilation shaft, already sweating in her grey long underwear pajamas (that was the best she could come up with for a camouflaged uniform thingy). FACE obviously was anti-air conditioning, because the ventilation shaft was as still as a dead fly.
She fell down some stairs, came to an open area, and peered into what looked like a giant warehouse. There was a giant claw on the ceiling, and it was being used to pick up giant toddler cups, loading them onto train carts that were disappearing into dark tunnels. Lara sneaked into another hallway, pressed herself up agaisnt a door to avoid the security worker walking past, and fell over through the doorway as it opened against her weight.
It led to an outdoor balcony, which overlooked a wharf. Parked in this wharf was a large submarine, painted bright toddler-cup-yellow with the words 'Welcome Aboard the Alaskanmalamute Ship'. Below the balcony stood two Russian men, talking. Lara listened closely to the two.
"Your little FACE workers are lazy and inconsiderate," spoke the larger of the two men. "My Mafia dudes could load up this submarine twice as fast!"
"I apologize, Sergei," said the other, who looked offended. "But FACE is rather troubled at the moment, having been ransacked and tied to a flagpole- -"
"Relax, YaroPez," Sergei said, smacking him in the back of the head. "There are two bombs--I mean, two SACKS OF PEZ CANDY inside the submarine, waiting for you. . ."
"Really? Pez?" piped up YaroPez. "Hee hee, thanks. . ."
The two men walked toward the submarine and watched a sunburned guy loading giant boxes of stuff onto the vessel. Lara hopped down once they had gone into the sub, and followed after them.
She found that she had to have a special object to get in--a toddler cup with a computer chip in it. So she ran back into the building and made her way to a control room where two security guards were sitting around, guarding a stash of the toddler cups. She listened to them talking.
"I really, really wish I woulda had one of these toddler cups when I was a toddler," said Guard A (named such because his mother had really bad taste).
"I had one," said Guard B. "I was the unluckiest thing in the world."
Guard A stared at him and frowned. "I thought we were all supposed to love them?" he asked. "Else YaroPez wouldn't have hired us."
"Oh, right! Did I say I was UNlucky? I meant LUCKY. . . heh. . ."
Lara suspected that there was something fishy going on, but dismissed it. She waited until the two guards had looked away, and snuck into the room to snatch one of the toddler cups. Just as she got ahold of one, a guard turned around and looked at her. She froze, but all he did was smile and look away. Lara noticed a toddler cup full of beer on his desk, giggled at his drunkenness, and leaped away to the submarine.
She used the cup to gain access into the sub, fought off some rabid sunburned guys with really yellow hair, and sat down in the hold along with the giant toddler cups, hoping the Alaskanmalamute Ship would take off soon; the Skewer of Coincidence wasn't going to wait forever. . .
