TOMB RAIDER: CHRONICLES - The Absurd Truth

storyline discovered by Triangular Circle

Disclaimer: I'm not gonna say it again! Go look at the previous chapter if you want a disclaimer! x.x

chapter six - sergei's absurd secret

"AHAH! A feeltheh can-loving Y-CAN spy among theh blessed drink contyeners of the young," shouted YaroPez unneccessarily loud as he and two gunmen burst into the hold. Lara stood and put her hands up submissively as the two gunmen came toward her.

"You have no idea what Y-CAN is, do you admiral?" she poked.

"Old senile ledde," YaroPez insisted. "Who yeh are and what yeh know is of very leetle concern to meeh." He suddenly had a VERY Russian accent, as opposed to the slightly Russian accent that he had adopted when conversing with Sergei. "Eef I was cyaptain of thees sheep, I might leesen to you. But unfyortunateleh, the poseetion I find mysyelf een DOESN'T ALLOW ME THAT PRIFELAGE! IYAM UNDER THEH MERCY OF A RAGING MAFIA PSYCHO, YOU HEAR MEH?! Now get in the trash bin."

Lara obediently stepped out of the hold and down into the waste receptacle at gunpoint, and the gunmen locked the bin opening shut.

"Whatever yeh do," Lara heard YaroPez telling the gunmen, "do NOT open thees door! Understyend?"

After the footsteps of the crazed admiral had died away and recieved their funerals, Lara looked around for a way out. There was a tiny lady with suction cups for feet inside the trash bin with her. The tiny lady had ice- blue skin and dark orange hair that resembled a clown wig. She was staring at Lara, holding a peice of lint with the two suction cup hands.

"It's my lint!" she cried in a yodely voice. "Mine, all miiine!" And with that she buried into the garbage and took a nap huggling her piece of lint. At once, Lara knew where she had seen the lint lady...

"You're from Jay Jay the Jet Plane!" Lara screamed, digging into the trash after her.

"No, you trashbin invader!" cried the lint lady. "I was subjected to genetic testing in the laboratory of an evil gerbil! Don't you know anyth-- HEY! QUIT TOUCHIN' MAH LINT!!!"

Lara was suddenly attacked with terrible ferocity as the lint lady clung to her face, suction cup feet sucking the circulation from Lara's face and giving her big blue spots on her forehead and cheeks. "MADWOMAN," Lara cried, prying the lint lady from her face and suddenly (and unintentionally) falling down a hole. The hole led down to the submarine's ventilation ducts. "Whomever built this ship was a madman," Lara said to no one in particular. "Who puts air conditioning ducts belowdecks?!"

"I do," came the menacing reply. Sergei was sitting down in a deep pit in the submarine's interior, chewing some live wires.

"Stop trying in vain to consume us," cried the live wires, but Sergei ignored them and continued to chew. His hair was standing on end from the electric volts that were entering his saliva.

"What on Earth are you doing?!" Lara exclaimed, hardly believing what was strewn before her eyes.

"Shhh," Sergei pleaded with a tiny whimper. "Please do not tell YaroPez! He would kill meh!" He chewed the wires some more, causing them to shriek in agony.

"YaroPez locked me in a trash bin with a vile little blue woman who has deadly feet," Lara said firmly, hoping to move this adventure along a bit. "Now I need to find the Skewer of Coincidence, and I have no idea how to get to it."

"I'll help you out," Sergei said between convulsions from the electricity. "But you must agree to kill YaroPez for me."

"I wouldn't half mind that," Lara said, quite amused. "He needs to die for throwing me in with that lint-loving maniac. But... why exactly do you want me to kill him?"

"He's the one who posesses the most powerful battery on the sub," Sergei explained. "I need--and I mean, NEED--that battery. If only I could sink my electrically aching teeth into it..." He began to drool, and the live wires became even more frantic. At last Lara nodded in agreement.

"Where is YaroPez?" she asked, hoping he was nearby.

"I have no idea," Sergei admitted. "But he has a pet flying camel that follows him around, leaving droppings everywhere it goes. Find a trail of camel dung, and you'll likely find YaroPez." He nodded with finality.

"Thanks," Lara said with a delirious smile. "Have fun with your wires whilst I'm gone." And she proceeded to climb down into the depest reaches of the sub.