TOMB RAIDER: CHRONICLES - The Absurd Truth
storyline discovered by Triangular Circle
Disclaimer: Lalala. . . I do not own this. . .
chapter seven - sergei v.s. diving suit
Making her way down a hall, Lara came across several mafioso filths. Each one was tatooed with some sort of strange insignia on his forehead that was a can in a circle with a line crossing through it. The Anti-can symbol. Blasphemous, indeed.
Strangely, none of the mafia saw her. Perhaps it was her blinding good looks, or maybe it was because the nerves leading through their foreheads and to their eyes had been damaged in the tatooing process. Probably the latter.
As she crossed a room and went back inside some ventilation shafts, she began to find random objects; a crowbar, a car muffler, a slinky, and a copy of the book 'Mafia Skillz fer Dummies'. Finally she reached the end of the vent and looked down through an opening. She saw down into a kitchen, in which a chef was preparing something which smelled like marshmallow stew. With extra limes. His back was facing her, so she wagered she could probably sneak down into the room without him noticing. . .
With a great clattering and manic laughing, Lara toppled down into the kitchen. The chef did not hear all of the commotion, however. In his years of being chef for various mafioso organizations, his ears had been rendered useless by the screams of "Gimme more food or ELSE!" that were uttered during dinnertime (and breakfast and lunch, for that matter). After she had stood, Lara soundlessly crept behind the chef. With one swift movement, she whacked him upside the head and killed him. . . with the slinky.
Suddenly someone else began to open the door that led to the kitchen. Thinking quickly, Lara threw herself on the flaming stove. She could pretend that the chef had been preparing her for dinner. She ingored the sizzling and blistering of the flesh on her back.
"Mmm. Something smells good," a voice said after the person had entered. Another person added, "Hey! Chef's dead!"
"He's probably just unconscious," Person 1 said, quite confident that he was correct.
"Do unconscious people bleed a lot and have chunks of their skulls missin'?"
"Sure, why not? They're a mysterious species, yeah?" Person 1 walked over to the stove and poked Lara. "Hey! I think Chef finally got my point when I told him I was a cannibal!"
"Lucky you," Person 2 answered. "He never did give me the crayons I wanted."
Lara's back began to explode with heat, and her hair was smelling bad. Finally she was unnable to take it anymore. She leaped off of the stove and threw herself in a sink, which was full of chocolate pudding. The two mafia men did not think this odd.
"Cool. She's one of those self-maintenance dishes," said Person 2. "I wonder if she adds barbeque sauce on herself too?"
The two men walked out, perhaps leaving Lara for a midnight snack. They locked the door upon their exit.
***
For one entire night, Lara gnawed at the door, walked around, meowed, and sifted through mafia diaries that she had found in a nearby janitor's closet. She found out many important details from these diaries, and some of them were just plain hilarious. One entry, belonging to the diariy of a man named Donny, read:
"Frebruary 0, Wendnensday, 1884
Dear Forsaken Cardboard Flap that I Call Diary,
Susie wouldnt quit pulling my pigtails. Life sucks. I need to commit suicide. I can't take this anymore. She's so. . . carefree. I cannot live like this. Not anymore. I was fine with her telling me I was going to spend my spirit life in eternal torment. But this? This is too much. Goodbye.
Love (and farewell), Donny T. R."
Anywho, Lara finally got the door open and slithered into the feeding area. Several men in white lab coats were passing food to mafia men in cages, and then recording the mafia behaviour with clipboards and pens. Amongst the haybales and toddler cups, she spotted a pile of droppings; perhaps camel droppings. She followed the trail and found herself at the door of YaroPez's office.
YaroPez soon came out, a floating camel trailing behind him. When they had gone from sight, Lara snuck into his office and began to search for the battery that Sergei was in such desperate need of. While she searched, she wondered how and when she would kill YaroPez.
She located the battery in a desk, along with a scrap of paper that read:
"For those of you who may be stealing this battery while the Alaskanmalamute ship is underwater: It is vital to your own survival that you use it to activate the diving suit located in the ship's diving area. If you use it for any other purpose, the ship will automatically explode."
Suddenly the situation became increasingly more complicated.
***
"I'm sorry, Sergei," Lara said, having returned to his place in the air ducts. "I MUST use this battery to activate a diving suit. I need that Skewer."
"But. . . but I cannot live my life knowing I missed out on chewing the most delicious battery in all the world," cried Sergei. "How, oh how, could you even CONSIDER doing such a thing to me?!"
"Um. . . you do look rather forsaken. I guess I'll have to let you use it. AFTER I use it for the diving suit," Lara affirmed.
"Thank you for at least compromising," was Sergei's grateful reply. "As for YaroPez. . . well, let's just say he won't be here when you return from your Skewer hunt." He smiled an electric grin of malice.
Lara nodded and ran off to the diving area.
storyline discovered by Triangular Circle
Disclaimer: Lalala. . . I do not own this. . .
chapter seven - sergei v.s. diving suit
Making her way down a hall, Lara came across several mafioso filths. Each one was tatooed with some sort of strange insignia on his forehead that was a can in a circle with a line crossing through it. The Anti-can symbol. Blasphemous, indeed.
Strangely, none of the mafia saw her. Perhaps it was her blinding good looks, or maybe it was because the nerves leading through their foreheads and to their eyes had been damaged in the tatooing process. Probably the latter.
As she crossed a room and went back inside some ventilation shafts, she began to find random objects; a crowbar, a car muffler, a slinky, and a copy of the book 'Mafia Skillz fer Dummies'. Finally she reached the end of the vent and looked down through an opening. She saw down into a kitchen, in which a chef was preparing something which smelled like marshmallow stew. With extra limes. His back was facing her, so she wagered she could probably sneak down into the room without him noticing. . .
With a great clattering and manic laughing, Lara toppled down into the kitchen. The chef did not hear all of the commotion, however. In his years of being chef for various mafioso organizations, his ears had been rendered useless by the screams of "Gimme more food or ELSE!" that were uttered during dinnertime (and breakfast and lunch, for that matter). After she had stood, Lara soundlessly crept behind the chef. With one swift movement, she whacked him upside the head and killed him. . . with the slinky.
Suddenly someone else began to open the door that led to the kitchen. Thinking quickly, Lara threw herself on the flaming stove. She could pretend that the chef had been preparing her for dinner. She ingored the sizzling and blistering of the flesh on her back.
"Mmm. Something smells good," a voice said after the person had entered. Another person added, "Hey! Chef's dead!"
"He's probably just unconscious," Person 1 said, quite confident that he was correct.
"Do unconscious people bleed a lot and have chunks of their skulls missin'?"
"Sure, why not? They're a mysterious species, yeah?" Person 1 walked over to the stove and poked Lara. "Hey! I think Chef finally got my point when I told him I was a cannibal!"
"Lucky you," Person 2 answered. "He never did give me the crayons I wanted."
Lara's back began to explode with heat, and her hair was smelling bad. Finally she was unnable to take it anymore. She leaped off of the stove and threw herself in a sink, which was full of chocolate pudding. The two mafia men did not think this odd.
"Cool. She's one of those self-maintenance dishes," said Person 2. "I wonder if she adds barbeque sauce on herself too?"
The two men walked out, perhaps leaving Lara for a midnight snack. They locked the door upon their exit.
***
For one entire night, Lara gnawed at the door, walked around, meowed, and sifted through mafia diaries that she had found in a nearby janitor's closet. She found out many important details from these diaries, and some of them were just plain hilarious. One entry, belonging to the diariy of a man named Donny, read:
"Frebruary 0, Wendnensday, 1884
Dear Forsaken Cardboard Flap that I Call Diary,
Susie wouldnt quit pulling my pigtails. Life sucks. I need to commit suicide. I can't take this anymore. She's so. . . carefree. I cannot live like this. Not anymore. I was fine with her telling me I was going to spend my spirit life in eternal torment. But this? This is too much. Goodbye.
Love (and farewell), Donny T. R."
Anywho, Lara finally got the door open and slithered into the feeding area. Several men in white lab coats were passing food to mafia men in cages, and then recording the mafia behaviour with clipboards and pens. Amongst the haybales and toddler cups, she spotted a pile of droppings; perhaps camel droppings. She followed the trail and found herself at the door of YaroPez's office.
YaroPez soon came out, a floating camel trailing behind him. When they had gone from sight, Lara snuck into his office and began to search for the battery that Sergei was in such desperate need of. While she searched, she wondered how and when she would kill YaroPez.
She located the battery in a desk, along with a scrap of paper that read:
"For those of you who may be stealing this battery while the Alaskanmalamute ship is underwater: It is vital to your own survival that you use it to activate the diving suit located in the ship's diving area. If you use it for any other purpose, the ship will automatically explode."
Suddenly the situation became increasingly more complicated.
***
"I'm sorry, Sergei," Lara said, having returned to his place in the air ducts. "I MUST use this battery to activate a diving suit. I need that Skewer."
"But. . . but I cannot live my life knowing I missed out on chewing the most delicious battery in all the world," cried Sergei. "How, oh how, could you even CONSIDER doing such a thing to me?!"
"Um. . . you do look rather forsaken. I guess I'll have to let you use it. AFTER I use it for the diving suit," Lara affirmed.
"Thank you for at least compromising," was Sergei's grateful reply. "As for YaroPez. . . well, let's just say he won't be here when you return from your Skewer hunt." He smiled an electric grin of malice.
Lara nodded and ran off to the diving area.
