TOMB RAIDER: CHRONICLES - The Absurd Truth

storyline discovered by Triangular Circle

Disclaimer: I own nothing. The toilet overflowed and destroyed all my possessions.

chapter seven - lung failure and skewer utilization

At once Lara knew there was something wrong. The moment she, in the diving suit, plunged down into the water, her lungs collapsed and kept collapsing in on themselves, creating two black holes. Frantically she struggled to doggypaddle her way around, looking for YaroPez's henchmen. She'd manipulate them into finding the Skewer for her.

She was completely blind, her eyes having turned to X's. Somewhere, faintly, she could hear two kids laughing and playing the song "Hungarian Dances". She ignored it and kept swimming, evetually reaching a small sub pod. Another was coming out of a cave.

Someone stuck his head out of the sub pod, yelling "It's not here! Retreat!"

Of course, Lara couldn't hear him, so she stealthily paddled into the cave. She was met by a wall of styrofoam, which she chewed through. In a small crevice filled with leeches, she found the Skewer. The leeches awoke.

"She hasss the Ssskewerrr," one hissed, latching onto the diving suit. Another broke through the glass in her helmet thingo and attatched itself onto her chin. Waving about wildly, she scrabbled her hands around in a pile of styrofoam to find the Skewer, which she had dropped. At last she had it and she began to swim blindly around to find her way out.

Meanwhile, the leeches had made their way to her eyes, and were clinging to them furiously. They sucked the blindness out of her optical nerves and eventually fell off. By this time, Lara was quite utterly lost in the middle of the ocean.

Her (nonexistent) lungs ached, and her eyeballs ached, she was hungry, and there was an old man in a bikini following her around. She did not believe things could get any worse.

And. . . they didn't. Think about it. You really CAN'T get worse than that.

But, by the time she was on the verge of starving, the old man was dead and she could cannibalize. Her eyeache was gone, and she realized that she wasn't in the ocean at all. She could see YaroPez looking at her from behind a pane of glass. She was in an aquarium.

"You've fallen eento mahee trap, haff yoo not?"

"Hey! I see some pez over there," Lara said, pointing over towards a diving- hole in the floor.

"Reeleh?! Wherrre?!"

A splash was heard and YaroPez was not to be seen. Sergei came running into the room, pulled Lara from the aquarium, and latched the diving-hole closed. Unfortunately, an immense amount of water had flooded the ship while the hole had been open. Wires had been ripped loose from control panels, sending a deadly electric wave through most of the submarine. Several men died in that split second.

"THIS IS PARADISE!" Sergei cried, plunging himself into the live water. Lara watched in horror as the overweight man caused a tsunami to rise and pummel out one of the windows. More water rushed in.

"AAAH! Sergei you idiot!" she screamed. She ripped the giagantic battery from her diving suit and shoved it in his mouth, as if it would pacify him. She then swam as fast as she could, being in need of air now that the leeches had sucked the death from her.

Making her way down a dark hallway, she found herself wondering what had become of YaroPez.

'He was a brave man,' she thought. 'Well, not really.'

At last she reached the only remaining air pocket. Sergei had swam after her, and surfaced at her side.

"What d'you think you're doing?!" Lara screeched. "I'm not going to let you take up all the air!" She slammed him back underwater and struggled to hold him there, but he was too musclebound. He surfaced again and spit the battery out into her head. It hit her square in the right temple and knocked her unconscious.

***

"Lara! Wake up! Quit being a useless lardbag!"

She felt a brisk slap across her face and woke to see Baldy standing over her. They were on a snowy beach with a frozen ocean.

"Wow, you look like you turned into a black hole," he said, repulsed. "So, do you have the Skewer?"

"Yes," Lara said. "And I picked up a Happy Meal while I was at it." She attempted to throw a soggy chunk of hamburger up in the air and catch it in her mouth, but it landed in her left nostril. She spent a good few minutes rolling around in the snow blowing her nose like a foghorn.

Baldy just stared at her.

"Er. . . let's go home, shall we Lara?"

"What, do you live at my house now?"

"No, that's not what I--"

"OOOO I got the hamburger out!"

". . ."