RE 1 Spoof part four
Late Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil or any of its characters. I don't know why I posted this because if I did, then why would I make fun of
my own game? Have fun.

Jill walked into the kitchen and started to look around for food when she saw a figure on the floor with a sign on its back that read, "no, I'm NOT a zombie!" Jill, being a little thick, didn't get the obvious clue. Luckily she did step on the head killing it. She walked into an elevator then a closet. This when she saw a battery.

Jill: That must be important because it's sparkling! Now I can go run around aimlessly some more to get more worthless items with no help from those other dolts.

Jill hopped off the elevator and headed towards the waterfall (the entrance to the underground area)

Jill: Hope it's not too cold.

Time slowed down as Jill ran slowly towards the entrance (think Baywatch) as her chest went up and down, the water cascading all over her body as she went down the ladder. Barry stared at Jill for a very long time before answering.

Barry: Jill!

Jill: (Pointing her gun at Barry) Oh no! Don't even think about pulling that off with me again!

Barry: What is this?

Jill: (Aims gun at Barry)

Barry: Whoa this could be dangerous.

Jill: Oh! Just get behind me so I can get the "Great Ending".

Barry: This must be a cave . . .

Jill and Barry then wonder around aimlessly until they hear a voice . . .

Enrico: Jill . . . Barry . . . help!

Barry: Kneels down and examines Enrico) I hope this isn't Chris' blood . . .

Jill: (Hits Barry) Enrico, what happened?

Certain Somebody . . . (shoots Enrico before he can give his dramatic speech and not just give the traitor's name like a smart person) Whoops! The trigger must have slipped! Sorry Jill, see ya in the lab! By the way, I am not Wesker.

Enrico: No! . . . . Only . . . chance . . . to . . . have significant . . . lines . . .ruined . . .can't . . . keep . . . talking like . . . this . . . (dies).

Jill: Damn it! Well come on Barry, let's go.

Barry: No Jill I need to examine the body.

Jill: What's to examine? See? The message thing at the bottom of the screen says, "He is no longer breathing . . . "

Barry: I hope this isn't Chris' blood . . .

Jill: Forget you!

(After a while) Barry: I think Enrico is dead . . .

Jill: then disembarks on a journey to find the murder, and finds the crank that was "cunningly" left behind by that Certain Someone . . .

Jill: inserts the crank, spins the wall thingy around and enters the next room, after of course, checking it so she doesn't confuse the crank with the other one which she can't get rid of.

There was a large rock and . . . apparently nothing else. Curiosity got the better of her and she ran towards it for reasons that a sane person would not understand. After realizing that she could not go through it, she walked towards the exit. That of course, was before she realized that the giant rock was rolling towards her.

Jill: Time to rip off yet another movie.

And with that she tipped her hat down, cradled the golden idol, and ran towards the doorway. After the ball crashed into the wall she entered the new room.

Jill: (Sees giant, super-sized, spider) Oh crap! Natives! I mean a spider! (Fights it until it dies.) Yeah! (Millions of mini-spiders burst out of it.) Damn!

Jill runs back through the door and re-enters. Somehow, the spiders have vanished; either that, or they just couldn't wait the whole second it took for her to re-enter. Jill then sees that there is webbing on the other door, but instead of using her hand and brushing it away, she ran back to the last storage room and retrieved her knife, which without this situation, would be totally useless. She wondered around randomly some more and ended up on a lift, which took her to a courtyard with a very large fountain.

Jill: I wonder if I can get to the Underground Lab from here since I can't use the doors to the helipad. (Looks at door with sign that read: "Door sealed shut to annoy future player."

Jill then got an idea. She picked up the floor mat in front of the fountain and sure enough, she found the two medals she needed. After she drained the water, she saw a million coins, several copies of the keys that she had used, and that diamond necklace that the old lady threw away in Titanic for some reason.

She entered the elevator and prepared to enter the abyss below.

She found herself in front of a computer consul now. Apparently, she had to enter in some codes to gain entry to some locked rooms.

Jill: I know! (Types in "Capcom rules" and hits "enter".

Computer: All doors unlocked.

Before she left, she picked up the slide package.

Jill: Maybe this will show what happened here.

Up in the office room, she put the slides in to the machine.

Machine: Umbrella's Spring Break.

Jill: Damn! (Flips though until she finds a picture that looks like . . .) Wesker?

Jill studied the picture closely and put 2 and 2 together. Unfortunately, she got 5.

Jill: So Wesker is on Umbrella's skiing team! No wonder he kept leaving us recently. He was practicing.

(Flashback)

Wesker: I'm sorry, but I have to leave.

Brad: Where are you going? And why do you smell like lab chemicals?

Wesker: I . . . um . . . forgot to shower?

Enrico: (About to say something significant when Jill ends the flashback)

Jill: He he! Try to out-do me, eh?

Jill looked to the wall with a sign that read: "This is not an obvious trap . . ."

Jill walked over to it and pressed the button. A section of the wall moved reveling . . .

Jill: A trumpet! (Starts playing when a key comes out of it.)

Jill: Another key? Jeez you would think that with all these locked doors it's a wonder that any work gets done.

Jill was now in the room with all the steam and electrical stuff.

Jill: (Hears talons on ceiling) Hey! What's that noise? (Looks up and sees mutated monkey with hooks) Oh no! Math teachers! (Runs around and enters room with giant generator.)

Computer: Will you turn on the elevator that somehow turned itself off after a Certain Someone has used it?

Jill: Yes.

Computer: Do you want to activate the circuit that somehow activates after you confront what's-his-face and blows this place ski-high even though if you were smart you wouldn't want to blow this place up? Instead you would want to come back with reinforcements and nail Umbrella. But no, you didn't think about that did you? You stupid blonde!

Jill: (Only read first seven words) Yes.

Computer: (Sigh) Have a nice day.

Jill: Ran out of the generator room and then to the save point where she saved her progress and took out her magnum, her shotgun, and ammo for each gun, along with some herbs. Then she went to the elevator.

Jill: (Pushes button) I hope this elevator doesn't play elevator music.

Speaking of annoying . . .

Barry: Jill: I have come to tell you that Enrico is dead.

Jill: Really (Speaking in sarcastic tone)

Barry: Yes, he's dead all right.

Jill: (Sighs)

Elevator: (Opens)

Jill: Well since you're here let's go down for some more fun.

Jill and Barry enter the elevator and listen to horrible elevator music. At the bottom, they get off and meet a Certain Someone . . .

Wesker: Hello Jill, and Barry.

Jill: Wesker, I think that there is a traitor amongst our ranks.

Wesker: Oh really, well who could that be? (Says in sarcastic tone)

Jill: (Not noticing that gun has been pointed at her for several minuets.) Yes, I think that it's Brad. He's the one who ditched us into this mess.

Wesker: That's a good guess, but it's actually me!

Jill: How could you?

Wesker: Well, Umbrella-

Jill: No, how where you the one who drove the helicopter when you got off with us?

Wesker: Whatever. Anyway, Barry would you leave us alone? I'll take things from here.

Barry: (Leaves)

Wesker: Good boy.

Barry: Woof.

Jill: How could you both-

Wesker: Barry was forced to do this. I threatened something very important of his. But that does not matter. (Steps behind Jill) We're going to- (Gets knocked out by . . .)

Barry: I'm sorry Jill. (Sees blood) I hope this isn't Chris' blood.

Jill: It's okay. What did Wesker threaten you with anyway?

Barry: He threatened to break all my "Silent Hill" games.

Jill: That bastard. Anyway, why don't we go into this room and see this ultimate weapon.

Barry: Good idea. Then we can start randomly hitting buttons like drunken chimps and see what happens.

Jill and Barry then enter the room and look at the giant monster in the back of the room. Scary music starts playing as the camera does a close-up at the horrible and unfinished skin that could only be compared to a peanutbuttersunshine fanfic. Only the Tyrant looked much cooler.

Barry: This looks dangerous . . .

Jill: (Starts randomly banging on computer keyboards) I just know that one of these damn things has got to have the Internet . . .

Both of them hear banging noises and see Tyrant bust out. It attacks Barry.

Jill: Wow! That was cool! Oh, wait! I mean, bad Tyrant!

Tyrant: (Whines and sits in a corner with a dunce cap on its head.)

Barry: (Wakes up and sees his blood) I hope this isn't Chris' blood.

Jill: Come on Barry let's get going.

Barry and Jill run out into the next room where they find that Wesker is gone.

Barry: Jill, I'm going to leave you again for no apparent reason. See ya at the top.

Jill, now alone, decided to check out the only area that she hadn't checked out in hopes that she would find a bathroom. She found Chris instead.

Chris: Hello Jill, can you get me out of here?

Jill: Well I guess I'm going to have to if I want to get the "Great Ending".

Jill: (Opens the door, which apparently unlocked the whole time.)

Chris: I was about to try that before you got here . . .(Runs ahead of Jill for some odd reason.)

Chris: See you at the heliport!

Jill: Can't any of these guys just wait for me?

Chris: No that would be something logical. And you know we can't have that.

Jill runs to the 1st floor basement and meets Barry and Chris. All three of them run into the corridor with the last elevator when . . .

Tyrant: Roar!

Chris: Oh boy! An opportunity for me to try to fight the monster and look like a hero even though Jill will end up fighting it anyway. (Runs off)

Barry: What the hell. (Runs off after him)

Jill goes into elevator and faces more bad music and gets off. She is now at the heliport.

Brad: Blah blah blah blah blah Jill Blah blah!

Jill: What? I can't understand you!

Tyrant: (Rips out of ground)

Jill: I can understand that! (Pulls out guns and starts blasting away at Tyrant until . . .

Brad: (Drops rocket launcher) Jill! Blah blah blah blah monster!

Jill: Thanks I guess . . . (Uses rocket launcher on Tyrant)

Tyrant: (Dies)

Barry and Chris come out just a nanosecond after Jill kills the monster.

Chris: (Speaking in monotone) We're sorry we didn't help you Jill.

Jill: That's okay. I will always look cooler than you anyway.

Jill, Chris, and Barry climb into the helicopter.

Barry: (Looking at Tyrant's blood) I hope this isn't Chris' blood.

Brad: Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah!

Jill: Let's get out of here!

Everyone looks out the window and sees the mansion explode in a shower of confetti. Jill falls asleep on Chris' shoulder.

Chris (Thinking) Gee, we look great as a couple. I wonder if people are going to write romance stories about us. Oh, well, it's either that or spoofs.

The End

An Earl "Bad Fashion" McFlanders Production

I would like to thank all the people who read this little spoof and still continued even after the long time delay. Now, I would like to present to you, a sample of my spoof for RE2.

Claire: You know Bruce, I would really like it if you would keep you're eyes on the road. It's just not safe to drive blind.

Leon: Leon: Fine you big baby. Hold my beer would you?

Claire: (Looks at bottle wide-eyed.)

You'll know why Claire called Leon "Bruce" soon. See you later.