CHAPTER 3
Twilight was settling down over Sunnydale casting a dim bluish haze over everything as the last bit of light struggled to get out before the sun went down. Xander had searched all of the obvious places for Buffy, but she wasn't at the Bronze, or the Coffee Shop and he was pretty sure she wouldn't have gone to the Magic Box since Anya was never one for comfort. He sighed and trudged on through the cemetery only half paying attention to where he was going. It didn't really matter if he did or not he could find the place he was looking for with his eyes closed. He had gone there enough times himself. The sky was growing dimmer by the minute, but there was still another ten minutes, or so of daylight left so Xander picked up his pace, wanting to find her before dark. He emerged from a small cluster of trees and he saw her, right where he expected to. He mentally kicked himself for not thinking of this place first, it was only logical. When a young woman was having any kind of emotional crisis in her life there was only one person she would turn to: Her Mother.
Buffy knelt on the ground next to Joyce Summers' grave, not crying anymore. She had done that bit already. Her hand rested on top of the marble stone that bore her mother's name, her head pointed down to the base as she sought her mother's strength and wisdom to help her understand this new wrinkle in the fabric of her life. She had run here from her house and nearly collapsed on the ground when she got there. Her emotions were running high and that took a lot out of her, despite her Slayer powers. It had hurt her so much to see Xander and Willow together, in her house no less. She had gone out to talk to Xander so she could try and sort out her feelings, but seeing the two of them together had just made everything more complicated and now she had even more feelings to sort out. Just once, why can't one little thing in my life be simple? She examined her thoughts from earlier and she couldn't escape the truth that he had always been there for her and he'd never asked for anything in return. It was like just being there was enough for him. And that was when her heart broke. How? How could she have missed it all these years? It was right in front of her, staring her in the face. Love, real love, had come calling in the guise of a Xander-shaped friend who had come to mean more to her than she had ever been willing to admit before. Whether it was because of stubbornness, or her own self-absorbment she didn't know, but she saw it now. Xander loved her unconditionally, the kind of pure love she had been searching for while she had been with Angel and Riley. Now she was trying to figure out how to tell him. She knew that it would come as a shock to him and he wouldn't believe her at first, but she would make him believe, she wasn't about to lose him now that she had just found him. A rustling of leaves from over her shoulder made her whirl around, stake in hand only to see Xander walk out from the trees with concern in his eyes. He stopped just short of Joyce's grave and they just stared at each other, neither one wanting to take the first step, even though they both knew it had to be done. Xander closed his eyes and licked his lips and just as he opened his mouth to speak the full moon rose overhead and a pack of vampires descended on them.
Without speaking the pair instinctively knew what to do. They stood back to back as the group formed a circle around them and moved in slowly. Buffy had the trusty Mr. Pointy in hand and a few more stakes in her jacket for good measure. Years of living on the Hellmouth had made Xander the model of preparedness. The Boy Scouts had nothing on him. He pulled a stake from his back pocket, then suddenly wished he had brought the crossbow, or an axe. They each took out the first couple of vamps with ease, but that just served to make the other ones smarten up and revise their strategy, which meant it was also time for Buffy and Xander to revise theirs. Their eyes locked and without a word being spoken a plan was formed and approved. Rather than attacking one at a time the remaining vamps all charged towards them at once. With their backs still together Buffy reached back and locked her elbows with Xander's, then when the vampires were close enough Xander leaned forward slightly, causing Buffy to be pulled up onto his back. She stuck her legs straight out and tugged on Xander's arm, the signal for him to start spinning around. As he did the oncoming vamps were kicked out of the way by Buffy's feet as she spun around with Xander. A few of them managed to get thrown back and impaled themselves on some handy broken tree branches leaving only dust in their wake. When their little maneuver was complete Xander let her go and they stood side by side, ready to take on the last four surviving vampires. But it was not to be. Observing the many scattered piles of dust around them the lingering vamps decided that discretion was the better part of valor and high-tailed it out of there leaving Buffy and Xander alone once again.
They brushed themselves off and turned to each other only to pick up where they had left off, wallowing in the uncomfortable silence that seemed to stretch between them like an impassable river. But this moment, like the last, was to be short lived, because what Giles had neglected to mention to Anya was that in addition to attracting women, the pheromone Xander was still carrying in his pocket, also attracted other Bul'roth demons.
"Are you sure that you should be doing this?" Anya asked. She and Willow were back in the Magic Box sitting on the floor with a variety of dusts and powders spread around them that Willow was mixing into an ornate bowl. They had realized just how futile it was trying to search for Buffy and Xander on foot after checking his apartment and her house again just in case. That was when Willow suggested doing a locator spell to help them find them. Everything she needed was stocked at the shop so back they went, all the while Anya reminded herself that she should get a car…or at very least learn how to drive one. She was still very skeptical about Willow doing any kind of magic, but a small part of her figured that she should at least try to have faith in the witch.
"I'm sure, Anya. It's okay, it's nothing big. I was able to do these kind of spells back in England with the Council's supervision and nothing bad ever happened." Anya chewed on her lower lip nervously and crossed her fingers as Willow dropped a single grain of white dust into the bowl and chanted the spell as it flared into a brilliant white light. Suddenly on the floor between them, what looked roughly like a map of Sunnydale appeared and on it were two glowing dots. The dots were both in the same vicinity, actually they were right next to each other. Willow looked down and smiled, pleased that it had worked. "It looks like they're in the cemetery and doin' just fine."
Buffy fell back onto the ground with a thud. The demon had seemingly come out of nowhere and just started attacking them. It was big, really big 8, or 9 feet tall with thick orange skin and horns protruding from its head, arms, legs and back. Becasue, thought Xander, you can't have a demon without horns, or that wasn't butt-ugly either. He swung his fist around and connected with the demon's stomach, one of the only spots not covered with horns, and then he winced in pain. Hitting it had done more to hurt his hand than the demon. The creature retaliated by picking Xander up by the front of his shirt and throwing him to the ground where he landed right beside Buffy. When the demon had appeared they'd had no weapons other than stakes which they quickly found out did no good against the demon's thick, leathery skin and again Xander cursed himself for not bringing an axe. The only thing they could do was fight it hand to hand, which was swiftly turning out to be an inefficient plan. They were getting nowhere fast. Buffy staggered to her feet and charged at the demon again, this time landing several blows to its midsection, but again it did no good and the demon slashed at her with its arm sending her sprawling against a grave stone that crumbled beneath her with the force of the impact.
Xander's first impulse was to go to her and see if she was alright, but he knew if he did that the demon would get them both, so he tried to lure the creature away to give Buffy some time to get a second wind. He waved his arms around wildly chanting, "Hey there ugly, come and get me!" The demon snarled and turned its back to the fallen Slayer as it began to take slow lumbering steps towards Xander. Okay, good, I've got its attention…Now what do I do? He was totally at a loss. He could just stand there and make witty comments to it, but that wouldn't do him any good when it decided to rip off his arms like the wings off a fly. He could run and hope that it followed him, but there was always the chance that it might stay and go after Buffy and he couldn't let that happen. I have to do something. I can't just let it kill the woman I love. So he chose to fight. He lunged at the demon, trying to tackle it, but as his arms wrapped around its body the horns on its side sliced into him. He let out a cry of pain, but kept moving forward until he head-butted it right in the chest. The Bul'roth was knocked back a bit, still on its feet and angry now at the man-boy who had tried to attack it. Before Xander knew what was happening the enraged demon threw a hard uppercut to his chin, ripping his shirt and tearing several gashes in his chest. The blow sent Xander flying though the air and into one of the nearby trees, which knocked him unconscious.
Buffy shook her head and tried to stand up, but the pounding in her head forced her to wait for a moment. Her vision was a little blurry, but it cleared as she blinked her grogginess away and she tried to stand again, this time supporting herself with what was left of the grave stone. Once on her feet and fairly stable she looked over and her eyes grew wide as she saw the scene before her. Xander was lying, slumped against a tree with fresh wounds bleeding bright red under the light of the moon. He wasn't moving, but Buffy tried to assume the best, that he was just unconscious…not dead. Then she saw his chest rise and fall, very faintly, very slowly, but it had happened, which meant he was alive. Buffy's hear sang with joy when she saw that and for a moment she thought that all was right with the world. And then she saw the demon slowly advancing towards her fallen friend. Then there was nothing in Buffy's heart, but a blind, white hot rage. Her eyes blazing she tore off a chunk of the ruined grave stone beside her and stalked towards the demon. She wasn't very fast, her own injuries had taken a lot out of her, but she was still faster than the Bul'roth and she managed to get herself between it and Xander. The demon threw back its head and roared, thrusting its chest out and beating on it with its fists. It was huge. It was fierce. It was powerful. But Buffy felt no fear, no doubt. She was fighting now with all her heart and all her soul. She was fighting with the passion and the spirit of a woman in love. "You want him," she snarled at the demon in a voice so full of vehemence she almost didn't recognize it as her own. "Then you have to go through me." The next moment passed in a matter of seconds, but to Buffy it seemed to move in slow motion. The demon advanced on her, moving just enough to close the space between them. Her eyes narrowed into cold slits blocking out everything else but the oncoming threat. She raised her hand up and smashed the piece of stone she held into the side of the creature's face. It made a horrible cracking sound as it broke its jaw and a squishing sound as it tore open the side of its face. As the monster stumbled back, it raised its hand to cover the gaping wound on its face and that left its middle open and vulnerable. Buffy pulled back her hand and dealt the final blow. She thrust her arm forward with all the strength she gained from her love and with the combined weight of the stone fragment she punched a hole right into the center of the beast and all she could think was: No one is going to take Xander away from me. I love him. She withdrew her hand tossing the stone to the ground and shaking off any demon goo she might have brought with her and watched as the demon fell to its knees, before uttering one last guttural breath and burning up until only a congealed puddle of slime was left where it had stood.
She turned and ran to Xander, still unconscious by the tree. She dropped to one knee, trying to catch her breath as she looked him over. Pain welled up inside her seeing him like this. She stroked the side of his face, wiping away some of the blood from a cut on his forehead, speaking softly to him. "Xander?…Xander, please wake up…please?" Slowly his breathing became more regular and his eyes fluttered, not opening, but showing that he was at least somewhat aware of what was going on around him. Buffy lay down next to him and took him in her arms, cradling him and rocking him ever so gently, trying to coax him awake. Finally his eyes opened and he saw Buffy there holding him looking much the worse for wear and his heart ached for her. He struggled into a sitting position, checking as he did for any broken bones. Thankfully there seemed to be none. He turned to Buffy and managed a clumsy and horse sounding, "Hey there." She was so glad to see that he was alive that all she could do was smile at him and he smiled back.
That was how Willow and Anya found them. Huddling together under a tree in the cemetery, both bloody and beaten, but at peace and happy for the moment. The two girls rushed up to them. "Are you alright?" Willow asked, her eyes wide with concern. Xander cracked a grin and replied in as much of an off-the-cuff tone as he could muster,
"Sure Wills. This is my favorite way to be, all sore and with the bloody clothes." Willow laughed in spite of the situation, as did Buffy.
"What happened?" Anya asked. Buffy started,
"Well there were a bunch of vamps, but we took care of them in pretty short order,"
"And then this big ole' demon showed up and kinda got the better of us." Xander continued. Willow took a quick look around the immediate area and although she saw the signs of a battle she saw no demon so she asked,
"What happened to it?" Buffy grinned,
"Actually Will, you're standing in what's left of it." The witch stepped back and examined the substance that was now stuck to the bottom of her shoe.
"Ewww." Buffy and Xander both laughed. Anya helped Buffy to her feet and both of them pulled up Xander who winced as he stood, clutching his hand to the wounds on his chest. Buffy looked at the angry red slashes with concern.
"We need to get those taken care of." Xander looked over at her.
"Same goes for you. Slayer healing can only do so much." They started to walk off with their friends behind them when Anya remembered why she'd gone looking for Xander in the first place.
"Do you have that bottle you took from the Magic Box?" she asked him. With a little bit of effort Xander pulled it from the pocked of his coat wondering how his demon ex knew he had it. Anya took it from him, "This little thing has caused enough trouble for one day." Xander and Buffy looked at her puzzled. Anya then proceeded to explain what Giles had told her, with Willow taking over to explain how that affected what had happened between them at the house. Xander nodded. Now the events of the past two days made much more sense. Buffy walked looking straight ahead trying to process what she was hearing and what it meant. They said goodbye to Willow and Anya and walked on to Xander's apartment to try and patch up some of their wounds, their hearts growing heavier with every step they took.
Buffy sat back on the couch as Xander came out of the bathroom with the first aid bag in hand. It was a little better stocked than most kits of its kind, but then it had to be considering the kind of things they had to take care of with it. He set it down on the floor and gave Buffy a once over, trying to assess exactly what he needed to take care of. She had taken her jacket off at the door which left her wearing her tank top. With the impartiality of a doctor he pulled up her top to get a look at her midriff. Her bruises had already started to fade a little and would be gone by morning, the same went for the one or two cracked ribs he felt as he ran his fingers gently up and down her sides; they had already started to knit themselves back together. He turned his attention to the things that needed his immediate attention. There were some fairly deep gashes on her stomach from where the demon had backhanded her and her shoulder had been cut up from the rough edges of the broken grave stone, not to mention the cuts on her hand from clutching the jagged piece of stone. He pulled out the disinfectant and started to work. He swabbed each individual cut and scrape bringing the occasional hiss of pain from Buffy's lips. Once that was done he proceeded to bandage them up. Her hand and shoulder were easy enough, but when he got to her stomach he paused as he felt his mouth go dry as his impartiality left him. Her belly was flat and taunt, the skin so smooth… He licked his lips and took at deep breath as he tried to get himself under control, but one rogue thought escaped: God…She is so sexy… His fingers moved slowly, softly brushing against her skin as he wrapped the bandage around her. He thought he felt her breath in sharply as his hands glided over her belly, but he chalked it up to the pain she was in, she was wincing because he had inadvertently brushed one of her wounds.
Buffy inhaled suddenly as she felt Xander's gentle touch on her belly. He hadn't hit any of her cuts, it was just the feeling of his fingers against her skin, his hands on her body and she could feel herself start to flush. Thankfully he finished before her body could betray her. They switched places and Buffy pulled off his shirt exposing his chest. She looked away as she put his shirt to the side so he wouldn't see the thoughts going through her mind. She turned back with the disinfectant and cleaned the wounds on his chest. They were the only major ones he had. The ones on his arms were small and shallow and the cut on his head had already scabbed over. Aside from some bruises on his back that was all that was wrong with him and Buffy thanked God for that. She didn't know what she would do if Xander ever got hurt badly…well besides killing whatever it was that had hurt him. Her hands moved over his pecks as she traced the scratches with the swab, feeling their hardness under her fingers. She lowered her head and licked her lips, closing her eyes and forcing herself to focus. As she started to bandage up the wounds she looked up at him and started to speak. "Xander I need to talk to you about something." He closed his eyes and nodded,
"I know, Buff. Don't worry about it, you don't have to say anything. You don't have to say anything about the other night, Anya explained it. You were under the influence of that demon scent stuff and you couldn't be held responsible for your actions." His heart broke as he said this, knowing for certain that she could never feel for him the way that he felt about her. Buffy was hurt at his words, but then she could understand why he said them. He didn't want to hurt her, or to be hurt himself, but she needed to tell him how she felt.
"Xander," she said softly as she tilted his head up so he looked at her. That one word said so much, at least to her. It spoke of the feelings she had deep inside her for this man. It told of the desires in her heart of hearts. But she knew that Xander couldn't hear all those things and she would have to explain it to him. She just didn't know how to start. "It may have been that demon juice that made me…do what I did last night, but once I did I started thinking about some things." she paused unsure of just how to go on. While she tried to gather her thoughts Xander spoke up.
"It's okay, Buff. Really I understand…and if you want me to stay away for a while than I will. Whatever you need."
"What are you talking about?" she asked as confusion swirled through her brain.
"It's just…," he stammered, "I understand if you want me to leave you alone for now. I know that you don't need this cluttering up your life again." She stared at him completely puzzled. What is he talking about? I don't need what cluttering up my life? Again? Then, suddenly, she understood and her mind flashed back to a day when she was sixteen and Xander had stood in front of her and stammered in much the same way he was doing now. When he had asked her to the Spring Fling and she had turned him down. She heard his words again echoing in her head, I know that you don't need this cluttering up your life again. But there had been Cordelia and Anya, he didn't feel that way about her anymore…but…
"Xander," her heartbeat quickened and her breath caught in her throat, "do you still love me?" After that there was nothing but silence.
He couldn't bring his eyes to meet hers. He didn't want her to see the tears standing in them. He didn't want her to see the truth about what she had asked. He couldn't tell her. If his heart broke again he wasn't sure if he could survive it. But he had to say something, She was waiting and he couldn't deny her anything. "That was a long time ago, Buffy. It doesn't matter now…but I'll always be there for you…if you need me." She could hear the pain in his voice and she couldn't bear it. She wouldn't let him pass her by. Not this time.
"But it does matter." she said. "It matters because…I love you too…" her voice faded off in a whisper as she said the last three words. He tried his best not to cry, not now. He shook his head causing the tears to shake free from his eyes and fall glittering to the carpet. He choked back a sob and said,
"No Buffy, you don't. Ahn told us it was just that stuff. It was irresistible. You couldn't help what you did, you don't need to try and make me feel better about it by saying this." His voice was shaking uncontrollably now. Buffy felt her own heart breaking. How could he not believe her? But then…why should he? She had brushed him off for seven years now. Treating him more like a piece of furniture than a man and ignoring his feelings for her own selfish reasons. All of this suddenly welled up inside her and the dam broke.
"Damn you, Xander Harris!" she sobbed as her own tears now streamed down her face. "Why can't you believe that someone is capable of loving you like that? Why can't you believe that I do?" He opened his mouth, but she cut him off, her words steeped with passion now. "We were different people then, Xander. I was a different person. I was so caught up in my own life that I didn't see how I was hurting other people. How I was hurting you. You wore your heart on your sleeve and I stamped all over it and I feel terrible for it now. And there's nothing I can do to change the past, but I'm not that insecure little girl anymore, Xander. I'm a woman who can see the truth for what it is and I know what I want, what I need." She broke down and cried. She cried for all the pain she had ever caused the people she loved. She cried for Willow and for Dawn and her mother and for Giles. But most of all she cried for Xander. Her White Knight. Her saviour. Her love.
Xander moved off the couch and knelt beside her on the floor and he held her in his bandaged arms. He stroked her hair and whispered soothingly in her ear as she cried her heart out. He loved her so much, but he didn't know how to say it, he couldn't tell her the depth of it, the scope of it, but for once he knew that his doubts didn't matter. He sensed that she knew it all. He drew her close and whispered in her ear all the things that he had wanted to tell her. He told her what he found in his heart and he was not afraid, not anymore. He wiped the tears from her face and looked into her eyes and gave her his trademark grin and she laughed in spite of herself and then she said seriously, "I love you Alexander Harris."
"I love you too, Buffy Summers." Their lips met almost of their own accord and this time it was different than it had been in the cemetery. There was still passion, but now it was tempered by love and it was deep and meaningful and Buffy could swear that it touched her soul. After a while they parted. Neither one of them knew how long the kiss had lasted and neither one cared. Buffy stood and took Xander by the hand, leading him towards the bedroom. He stopped for a moment and asked, "Buffy, are you sure?" She answered him with a kiss as she pulled him into the room.
