act two: doubts ...

my voice dies away, leaving behind nothing else than maybe blissful silence. i look down at the floor for a moment, disgusted about myself. in the name of each god between heaven and earth, what am i doing here, what had i become in the end?

i notice her gaze, she don´t know what to do, somehow helpless like a little child. i shifted my own gaze to meet her eyes, to meet her unasked questions. each one of them hurts more than a dagger or a bullet that´d be right in my heart. i cannot stand it any longer; i cannot endure it one more second. she tries to read in my eyes, tries to search my soul for her answers. i´m afraid, she´d be able to do it, to open my soul completely and find more answers than she´d maybe asked for. i take some steps back, trying to hide myself in darkness, but she only follows, still wanting to study me, all those things running through her mind.

i close my eyes, trying to hide myself somewhere between my own darkness; hoping more than everything else, that she´d fail. she simply has to, she must.

oh gods, why? where was my sense of reason? and in one thoughtless moment i did everything wrong, that would be done like that. i destroyed something that was as frail as a thin figurina made of ice. what a fool am i ... and yet, what will this all turn out?

her gaze is still locked in mine, her eyes having the color of a deep dark sea during a storm. how could i demand something like that, when i know the answer for sure? there´d only be one. the question is, how´d i deal with her rejection. i deserve it more than anything else does ...

some more steps, which allow me to hide in darkness. her eyes leave mine and turn over to the vicomte. she tries the same with him, tries to find out how her life could look like. once more, i leave her and turn my thoughts into myself.

it is all so very wrong, so false, and so full of lies. whatever she´d say, she´ll only do it for saving his precious life ... but does she love one of us, maybe in the same way as we ... well he ... does? i´m not allowed doing such things, i remember my teachers, very well. we´re not like them, we are different from them and above all concepts, we don´t have their weakness ... darn life ... to live it in hell, trying to deal with something you´d never experienced ... strange tangled thing, this emotion ... truth be told, i´m more than afraid of this concept, how to handle this.

she wanted something to hold onto, something that´d make her believe in herself. little child, so enthralled of all those fairytale-stories ... how she clinged to this one of the angél dai lèar, how precious was it to her ... and in the end, the angél betrayed her trust, simply because he´s no angel ... he´d ne´er be one, he couldn´t, just look at the hideousness of his reflection ...

my fists clenched and i feel my knuckles go white. so much of this darned violence, always this sea of blood, somewhere trailing behind wherever i may go, haunted by my passed deeds. i lost the trace of time long ago, as much as i lost everything else. i can only destroy, but i´d never be able to love, would i? i´m nothing else than ... evil, am i not? lost somewhere in my own darkness, somewhere on the other side of the edge.

yet, isn´t she standing there, face to face with me? although there seems to be nothing left of ... no, she never trusted me, she never thought about the idea of love ... the only emotion she knows in my presence is nothing else than naked fear ... oh gods, what have i done?

i feel my knees going weak, somehow it´s becoming hard to keep my dignity. i want to die, to leave this place and this world. i cannot stand it any longer.

her gaze return to me rests somehow on me, but she looks into herself, hoping to find her answers at last. one of her thoughts seems to be open to the one who is able to read them. after a moment of hesitation, i open my heart a bit and read it. ... so she thinks over the idea of an independent life? hmm ... good girl, but i´m afraid, she´d not survive for such a long time. she´s a woman, after all ... and society is always cruel.

suddenly she bends down, picking up the veil and letting it run through her hand. what does she want to do with it? tearing it apart in thousands of tiny shreds? throwing into the fireplace?

she comes closer to me, the veil still clutched between her fingers. i feel myself shiver, here it will come, the last word, the last move. again, i back away some more steps, turning my face to somewhere else. i don´t want to look in her eyes when she´s going to tear my heart apart. so i was wrong ... in every little thing i once believed ...

we´re not allowed to be like them ... so we´re just as cold as a stone ...

please, if there´s something like justice, let me die ... in this very moment ... for what do we live, for moving to the other side of the edge? for doing the things which are forbidden to us?

please, just let me ... die ...