Acherontia Atropos Part 9

I didn't have a lot of choice. I slouched to the front of the

classroom with my hands stuffed firmly in my pockets. The mousy

counselor guy waved me on, and I followed him out of the classroom

and down the hall to the lair of the school administrators. All it

was missing was the skulls and a plaque that read 'Abandon All

Hope, Ye Who Enter Here.'

Next thing, I was seated in front of the rather large and imposing

wood desk of a rather large and imposing woman that was introduced

to me as Ms. Mimura. She had to be at least ten centimeters taller

than me, and her shoulders were twice as broad as mine. Her hair

was iron grey and pulled back so tightly that it gave her a

permanently surprised expression. Still, she didn't really

intimidate me, because she was a little too -- to put it politely

-- rounded to look threatening.

The polite, blank look in her eyes and the too understanding smile

that she seemed to have permanently fixed on her face didn't

really help the look either. I wondered if she'd had to practice

her smile in the mirror in order to get just the right amount of

detached, superior sympathy into it.

The mousy counselor disappeared quickly after the introductions

were complete, leaving me alone with Mimura. She smiled at me. "I

suppose you're wondering why we pulled you out of your class,

Duo."

Actually, I wasn't. But I didn't bother saying anything. I had a

feeling that this was a memorized speech for her, and didn't

really need my input. So I just sat up straight in my chair and

smiled vacuously at her. That's me, Duo Maxwell, the perfect

student. Trust me.



"We were told that you were one of Yan's close friends, and we

thought that it would be a good idea to have a little talk with

you, just to make sure you're doing alright after such a tragedy.

Unfortunately, you weren't in your room yesterday, so we had to

pull you out of class. This is very important, Duo."

I nodded and kept smiling.

"Grief is a natural part of losing someone. Now, I know that there

is a lot of pressure, especially among men of your age group, to

keep that grief bottled up inside and present a good face to the

world. It's perfectly all right to let it out, though, Duo. That's

what we're here for... blah blah blah... "

For a moment, I considered dredging up some fake tears, because

maybe she'd let me go sooner. I didn't feel up to it, and who knew,

she might try to hug me or something. I was too angry to deal with

that. So I settled for neutrality. "I understand, Ms. Mimura."

It wasn't the response she'd been looking for, apparently. Her

smile stiffened a little. "One of the other students saw you climb

out of your window yesterday, Duo. Were you running away from us?"

Shit. If I could find who'd squealed on me, I'd give them a piece

of my mind. A LARGE piece. Since my little escape out the window

couldn't possibly be interpreted as anything else, I decided to be

honest. "Yes I was."

"Why?"

"I don't feel like talking."

"Now, Duo." Mimura grabbed a pencil off of her desk and absently

began rolling it between her pudgy fingers. "It's not healthy to

keep your feelings bottled up inside. You need to let them out...

blah blah blah... "

I had to disagree with her there. Killing someone and ending up in

jail didn't sound real healthy to me.

"Why are you so afraid to admit that you feel pain and loss over

the death of your friend?"

True, I was upset about Yan dying. Upset enough to commit felony

arson and use a lot of bullets, at least. But in my experience,

death happened all the time and there wasn't a lot to be done

about it. I was planning to take care of the rest of the things

that had killed him soon, so no problem. I couldn't very well tell

a psychiatrist that, though. Not if I wanted to stay out of the

loony bin. Besides, I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I

can't stand it when someone acts like they know everything. "I'm

not afraid to admit that I'm upset. I just don't feel like talking

about it."

"Now, Duo... "

I sighed. "Why do you find it so hard to believe that I'm okay? I

am, you know." I stood up. They couldn't really do anything to

stop me from leaving, and I didn't feel up to putting up with this

shit.

Mimura's lips compressed, and she looked at me piercingly for a

moment. "Fine, Duo. You know where to find us if you change your

mind. Don't be afraid to express yourself... blah blah blah... "

"I am expressing myself." I don't know why I bothered to argue.

Masochism, probably.

"I don't understand how you can hide your true feelings like

this."

I pulled the door open. That was it. "I am not hiding my true

feelings. Death happens, Ms. Mimura. It sucks, but there's no

point in useless chest beating because it won't bring anyone back.

Besides," I added, without really thinking it through, "I've got

it taken care of. This will all be over real soon." I hoped.

I heard a sound behind me. Mimura had dropped her pencil.

Quickly, I ran over the last bit I'd said and tried to think about

it impartially.

Oh shit... had I really said that? I let out a very soft,

exasperated sigh, and resisted the temptation to bonk my head

against the wall. "Christ on a crutch... " I muttered softly. Me

and my big mouth.

"Duo, I think you'd better sit down. It seems that we still have

some issues to work out."

I knew that I couldn't escape now. So I closed the door and sat,

hoping compliance would get me somewhere. Fat chance. Mimura fixed

me with a look that was about on the level of Heero's death glares,

as far as intensity went. "Duo, you are a very bright young man.

You have a lot of friends, you're doing very well in your

classes... blah blah blah... "

I wondered since when did sliding through count as doing very well.

I had a feeling that good ol' Mimura hadn't done her homework.

"... and you're extremely popular with the girls in your age group.

I'm sure you have several dying to go out with you... blah blah

blah... "

Well... she was probably right on that one. I idly wondered what

Mimura would do if I told her I wasn't interested in going out

with girls. Now, my roommate... I quickly discarded that idea. It

would certainly change the topic of the conversation, but I had a

feeling that it would have been out of the frying pan and into the

fire. I really didn't need a lecture from some quack on proper

sexual roles.

"You have so much to lose. There is no need to be self-

destructive... yaddah yaddah yaddah... "

If only she knew she was saying that to a Gundam Pilot. I had to

fight off the urge to laugh. Somehow, I had a feeling that she

would take it the wrong way. So I plastered my most disarming grin

on my face. "I don't suppose you would believe me if I said that

you completely misunderstood what I said and I have absolutely no

intention of being self destructive."

She eyed me disbelievingly. "Denial is an ugly thing, Duo."

So much for honesty. I had a feeling that this was going to take a

while.

***

It was after dinner before I managed to extricate myself from

Mimura's office. My poor hand was cramping up so horribly that I

was afraid I'd never be able to straighten my fingers. That

stupid... PSYCHO had made me write a twenty-page essay on how I

had so much to live for and would promise not to kill myself no

matter what. Basically, she stood over my shoulder and dictated to

me, then hovered until I signed it.

ARGH!

Heero was sitting at the desk, working on the laptop as always

when I flung the door open. "You're back late."

I glared at him. He actually blanched. I cradled my screaming hand

against my chest and slammed the door as hard as I could. The

window rattled.

Heero recovered quickly from my glare and raised an eyebrow.

"Don't even THINK about asking." I snarled before stalking to the

bathroom with the intention of soaking my hand in warm water. I

slammed the bathroom door, too. It felt really good. So I opened

the door back up and slammed it again. I glared at my own

reflection in the bathroom mirror for a moment. I was actually

panting with rage, like I'd just gotten done with a marathon. I

had the gleam in my eye that I've only seen before in pictures of

me when I'm fresh out of Deathscythe's cockpit.

With a great deal of deliberation, I opened the bathroom door, and

then slammed it again. Harder. The doorframe cracked loudly, and I

grinned, imagining that Mimura's face had been there.

INo, Ms. Mimura, I am not feeling even remotely suicidal.

Homicidal, though, that's a different matter entirely... /I

As I slammed the bathroom door for the fifth time, a long, thin

splinter of wood broke off the frame and hit the floor with a soft

click. I grabbed the doorknob with my good hand and pulled the

door open again. God, it felt good. When in doubt, take it out on

an inanimate object. They can't take you to court.

I think Heero picked up on how upset I was quickly, probably

because it couldn't have been more obvious if I was wearing a neon

sign that broadcasted my mood. Before I could slam the door again,

which would probably have knocked it off its hinges, he had one

hand against the other side of it. I tried to pull the door open

wider to knock him off balance or make him back off, and he

grabbed the knob as well.

Even at my most pissed off, I couldn't match for Heero's strength.

I pulled ineffectually at the door for a moment before I gave up

and just snarled at him.

He didn't budge. "Want to talk?" he asked simply.

It was such an un-Heero-like thing for him to say that it shocked

me out of being pissed for a moment. Normally, he left me alone if

I was that upset. Hooray for social mal-adjustment. Like I was a

fucking poster child myself.

I was having too much of a bad day to be happy that Heero was

actually showing signs of concern for me. Uncharitably, I thought

he was probably just asking because he didn't want to have to

repair the bathroom door. "Not really." I growled, clenching my

right hand into a fist and trying to shake some feeling into my

left hand.

"Do it anyway." Heero pushed the bathroom door the rest of the way

open and glared at me. "What's wrong with your hand?"

"Severe muscle cramps and spasming because that stupid bitch made

me write so much." I muttered. "I oughta report her to the

authorities for child abuse." Really, my hand wasn't the only

thing that was having muscle problems. My back and neck were

screaming with tension from the stress of spending a day with the

MIS-guidance counselor from hell. The mere thought of my afternoon

made my anger boil up again, and I made a grab for the door.

Slamming it in Heero's face would've felt good. It wouldn't have

been a smart idea, but at that point, I didn't care.

Thankfully, Heero grabbed my wrist firmly and prevented me from

royally screwing myself over. I tried to jerk out of his grasp

until it was obvious that he wasn't going to let go.

The entire day came crashing down on me. Until then, I'd been

running on the remnants of my morning caffeine and pure anger.

When it became clear that Heero not only wasn't letting go, but

also that he was serious about wanting me to talk, all of my anger

just drained away and left me with nothing. I became very aware of

the fact that I was dead tired, emotionally drained, and the

hungriest that I've been since I got off the streets. I wavered on

my feet and let myself slump.

Heero let my wrist go and grabbed my shoulder instead, propelling

me out of the bathroom. "Sit." He ordered, giving me a gentle

shove toward me bed. I didn't so much sit as my legs gave out. My

hands shook.

Heero handed me a sandwich and a little bottle of tea. I almost

inhaled the food. The tea was extremely, almost sickeningly sweet,

but I gulped it down anyway and felt better, good enough for a

little of my normal humor to return. I pulled the corners of my

lips up in the tired semblance of a smile. "Thanks."

Heero shrugged and sat down on his own bed. "Trowa stole that from

the cafeteria for you. He said you'd be tired and upset when you

got back."

Trowa? I chewed on that thought for a moment while I finished the

bottle of awful tea. I couldn't really imagine him doing something

like that, but then again, I'll be the first to admit that I don't

know Trowa at all.

Heero waited until I was done before he spoke again. "Talk now."

I heaved a sigh and threw myself back on my bed. My braid slid

over the edge as I glared at the ceiling, anger stirring again now

that I had the energy for it. "You know what happened."

"If I did, I wouldn't ask." He pointed out.

"The guidance counselors decided to have a little chat session

with me."

"And... ?"

"And what."

"Something obviously happened, or they would have let you out

before now."

I sighed, and muttered something incoherent. I could feel him

glaring at me, so I gave up and told him. Heero can be a

persistent little cuss. "I opened my big mouth and now they think

I'm suicidal. So I had to sit there and get preached at, then

write a twenty page paper on how I wanted to live." I snarled.

Heero snorted, and I turned my head to the side so I could see him.

He was smirking. "What the hell's so funny?" I demanded.

"Out of all of us, they told you not to be suicidal."

I had to admit, I saw the humor in it. Sure, I've tried to self-

destruct my fair share of times, but out of all of us, I was the

least suicidal. Well... except for Quatre and maybe Wufei. Wufei

hadn't tried to blow up Shenlon before, but then again, he was the

one that kept telling people they could go ahead and kill him.

Death before dishonor and that other Klingon-type bullshit, I

guessed. "Yeah, I guess that is kind of dumb, huh?" I laughed. It

felt good after being so angry. My laugh got cut off, though, when

one of the muscles in my left hand started to spasm. "Jesus, that

fucking hurts!" I whined, and tried to shake my hand out.

Heero got off of his bed and grabbed my flailing hand. He found

the muscle that was giving me so much trouble and pressed down on

it until it stopped jumping. It hurt like hell, but I knew it was

necessary to get my hand to stop spasming. That didn't stop me

from balling up my right hand into a fist and hitting Heero's arm

as hard as I could, though. I've never been one to deal

gracefully with pain.

Heero just grunted and didn't let go until my hand was finished

trying to cramp up. "The rest of you that tense?"

I made a face to hide my growing confusion. "Not quite."

Heero disappeared for a minute into the bathroom and came back

with a funny orange pill and a little cup of water. He handed them

to me, and I eyed the pill distrustfully.

"Muscle relaxant." He said. "You might as well get some sleep, too.

You didn't last night."

I glanced up quickly, a little surprised.

"I could hear you while I was resting." That seemed to close the

subject off, because Heero went back over to the desk and turned

the laptop on.

I shrugged and took the pill. Just when I was beginning to think

that Heero didn't feel anything at all, he went and did something

like this. My roommate, the walking enigma.

***

The next day started out a lot more brightly. I actually got some

sleep, for one. And it was Friday. I was feeling so good that I

managed to choke down a couple pieces of dry toast along with my

morning round of coffee at breakfast. Quatre was in a good mood,

as always, and Wufei was... Wufei. Neither of them asked me about

what happened, even though everyone in my dorm must have known

that something was up, considering I hadn't tried to be the least

bit circumspect in expressing my displeasure. Thank Heaven for

small favors.

Breakfast came and went without anything interesting happening.

I'd forgotten my calculus book back in my room, though. By the

time I was speeding toward class, the bell had already rung. The

halls were empty.

So it was a bit of a shock when a girl came up one of the halls

perpendicular to mine and popped up right in front of me. I plowed

into her, knocking both of us to the floor. I spun out on the

slick tiles before I managed to scramble to my feet, apologies

falling rapidly from my lips. Papers were scattered all over the

hall -- all my old, half-finished homework assignments had fallen

out from between the pages of my textbook.

The girl was still on the floor, so I scrambled over to her and

offered a hand up. She stood slowly, ignoring my hand, a dazed

expression on her face. It was the girl in the turtleneck from

yesterday. She was still wearing it.

"Oh man, I'm sorry. Are you okay?" I bowed a couple of times for

good measure.

She looked at me for a long moment like she didn't quite see me.

Her face was pale and she had dark circles around her eyes like

she hadn't been sleeping. "Oh, it's alright." Her words were

slightly slurred.

I wondered if I'd run into her a little harder than I'd thought.

"I'm really sorry, I didn't see you coming. Are you sure you're

ok?"

"Yes, thank you." she replied tiredly. "I wasn't looking where I

was going. It's my fault entirely. Excuse me." Without another

word, she turned and walked slowly away.

I grabbed my book and most of my papers off of the floor before I

followed her. We were going to the same class, after all. When I

caught up, she didn't even look at me. "So... how about the

weather. Nice day out, isn't it?" I asked lamely.

"Yes." Was all she said.

"So... ah... what do you think of class?"

She didn't even bother to reply to that. I gave up and we finished

the walk to class in disturbing silence. I had a hard time

concentrating as the teacher started up about differentials again.

There was just something about the girl that was really bothering

me. When I looked into her eyes, I didn't see anything, just a

terrible kind of blankness. The lights were on, but nobody was

home.

***

Class let out after what felt like a hundred years. The girl got

up and left in a hurry, even though I called to her. "Hey! Wait

up!" I tried to follow her through the hall, but she lost me

quickly in the crowd and left me trying to push my way up against

a steady stream of other teenagers, all of whom seemed to be

intent on blocking my way.

Someone rammed their shoulder into my chest, knocking my breath

out. I stumbled back and ran into another kid. I looked up as the

person that had run into me went past, expecting them to at least

apologize or something. He just looked at me as he walked by, his

eyes never leaving my

face. I froze at the look in his eyes, ignoring the crowd that was

shoving me and pressing in on all sides. The collar on the jacket

of his school uniform was buttoned all the way up to his chin.

I let the crowd flow around me and suppressed a shiver.

By the end of the day, I was starting to truly get scared.

Everywhere I went, there were other students bumping into me,

watching me, shoving me. I shouldn't have cared, since plenty of

that went on in the halls every day. But this was different.

Every single one of them had a mirrored glass wall right behind

their eyes.

I was more than ready to escape back to the safety of my room when

the last class of the day let out. The halls were even more

crowded than normal. Someone shoved me from behind, hard, and I

stumbled forward and had to catch myself against another student.

He stopped, right in the middle of the hall and turned to look at

me. I immediately jerked away, mumbling incoherent apologies as he

continued to stare. Behind the blankness of his eyes, I could see

a kind of muted malevolence that was too disturbing for words.

Someone grabbed my arm and I jerked around to find myself face to

face with a pretty blonde girl, whose name, I thought, was Mika.

She smiled at me, and I smiled back for a moment, but then I could

feel my expression slipping, fading. She was looking right through

me. "What's wrong, Duo?" Mika asked softly, then let go of my arm.

A touch on my shoulder, and I was spun around to face one of the

guys from my gym class, Shigeru. He was so tall that I barely came

up to his chin. He looked down at me and smiled. "You look a

little disconcerted." he said.

I took a step back. Shigeru didn't talk like that.

I was yanked around to face another boy, a nerdy guy with glasses

that I recognized from chemistry. He always kept to himself and

didn't normally speak unless spoken to first. "Is something

bothering you?"

I wrenched my arm out of his grasp and backed away until I ran

into someone that was standing behind me. I yelped and turned to

find myself face to face with Kaori, the junior class president.

"Sorry, I didn't see you there." I said. Kaori was a nice girl,

but she tended to get a little

touchy if people weren't polite to her. I guess her position was

going to her head or something.

Kaori just smiled at me, not saying anything. She was wearing a

white turtleneck under her normal shirt. When she spoke, her voice

was soft, and the inflections were very un-Kaori-like. "Are you

going somewhere, Duo?"

Without really knowing why, I reached a shaking hand out and

tugged the neck of her shirt down, revealing part of her pale,

smooth neck. Her skin was so delicate that I could see the thin

blue lines of her veins just under the surface. Marring the soft

perfection of her skin was a dark bruise.

In the middle of it sat two small, neat puncture wounds.

I yanked my hand away and took an involuntary step back, my breath

catching in my throat. I could feel my eyes widening, my stomach

clenching, my body getting ready to run like hell if the need

arose.

Kaori didn't bother pulling her shirt back up. She just kept

smiling. Soft footsteps came up behind me, and a heavy hand fell

on my shoulder. I bit back a startled yelp as a wash of cool

electricity flowed through me. Lips touched my ear, and a guy

whispered. "You seem real tense, Duo."

I jerked out from under the hand and took several quick steps away,

resisting the urge to rub my arms. I was suddenly very, very cold.

I looked at the little group in front of me with wide eyes. There

were four of them... wait... now five of my fellow students

standing there, watching me. I looked into their eyes and saw

Yan's face, right before he'd kneed me one. Kaori slowly licked

one of her fingers and then touched the mark on her neck, a little

smirk on her face.

They weren't human, not right now. I ran for the dubious safety of

my room. I'd thought I was safe at school, because my fellow

students were normal, more normal than me. They couldn't hurt me,

they could be my buffer between myself and what I did every day.

That buffer was gone, and my friends were now enemies.

There was no way I could strike back at them, because they were

still in there, somewhere. I was powerless. Again.

I ran as fast as I could, even though I couldn't hear anyone

behind me. It was only a short distance to the dorm's entrance.

Right before I reached the double doors, though, I ran into

someone for the second time that day. We went down in a tangle of

arms and legs and slid across the polished tile floor. I ended up

sprawled on top of the person -- girl, actually, the fact that she

had breasts made that pretty obvious. I pushed myself up so that I

wasn't laying on her, apologizing profusely.

She grabbed the collar of my uniform as I tried to get up, and her

other hand brushed along the inside of my thigh. She was the girl

from my calculus class, the one that I'd run into earlier.

"Don't you want to play with us, Duo?" Her hand cupped my groin.

I threw myself away from her with a startled gasp, tearing my

shirt out of her hands. A button snapped off of my collar and went

bouncing across the floor. I couldn't get through the dorm doors;

she was blocking them. I shot a glance down the hallway, back into

the school. The other students were walking toward us, their pace

very deliberate. There was nowhere for me to run.

The girl rolled to her stomach and stretched languidly, sticking

her bottom in the air like a cat before she started crawling

toward me. It would have looked pretty damn ridiculous if she

hadn't been staring through me like I was made of glass. I scooted

across the floor, away from her until my back met the wall with a

solid thud. She giggled.

Vampires, I could handle. But not this. Oh God, not this.

They were all around me now, pressing me in against the wall. I

suppressed the urge to whimper as a sudden surge of claustrophobia

hit me. Trapped with no escape or recourse: this was the stuff of

nightmares.

Kaori reached forward and caressed my cheek with the tips of her

fingers. The cold, electric power that I now knew was the master

of the vampires jolted through me, and I did whimper, half from

pain, and half from the fact that there was something about it

that felt really good. Something that called to me. Mika moved in

close until our bodies were pressed completely against each other.

"Why are you running away?" She slowly rolled her hips against

mine.

My stomach clenched and a tiny moan slid from between my lips. I

wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. There were guys that would

pay good money to have something like this happen to them but I

sure as hell wasn't one of them. I was shoving myself back into

the wall so hard that it was a wonder I didn't melt through it. I

didn't know what to do, but my goddamn body seemed to. There was a

definite warmth starting up in my groin.

"No... please don't... " I whispered hoarsely.

Shigeru leaned in close and rubbed one of his hands slowly across

my chest. "You can't escape us."

The girl from my calculus class was pressing in on my other side,

trapping me completely. "You owe us the blood price now,

murderer?" Her hand slid under my waistband, warm fingers wrapping

around my penis.

I started hyperventilating and shut my eyes, trying to concentrate,

trying to ignore what was happening around me. For the first time

in years, my fear had escaped, becoming a living, malevolent thing

as the walls closed in. The girl's fingers tightened, and a wave

of sick pleasure ran up my spine. This couldn't be happening.

Someone was whispering "No no no no no no no... " continuously in

a high, thin voice. It took me a moment to realize that the voice

was mine.

"We're always watching you." Kaori was so close to me that her

breath puffed against my lips as she whispered.

The hand in my pants slid up the length of my member, then back

down, and my knees almost gave out. I couldn't breathe. Oh God, I

couldn't breathe. Oh God... oh God... oh God...

"Duo! Are you ok?"

Suddenly, I was free. All the pressure of the other student's

bodies against me was abruptly gone. My eyes snapped open. I could

feel how wide they were; the whites of my eyes were showing, I

knew it. Slowly, I slid down the wall, hyperventilating, my hands

clutched to my chest.

I could dimly hear Mika say, very brightly "Duo wasn't feeling

very good, Quatre. We were just helping him back to his room."

"Thank you." Quatre said. There was a strange note in his voice,

one that didn't belong there. It was hot with anger. "We'll help

him now."

I saw the other students walk past me, back into the school. The

all stared at me as they went by.

"Duo!" Rough hands grabbed my shoulders.

"NO!" I screamed, clawing at the hands on my shoulders. "No! No!

Don't! Don't touch me! NO!" I kept screaming and tried to push

them away, tried to cover my face and hide so they couldn't hurt

me.

"Duo, it's me!" I was shaken roughly, and I found myself looking

into intense blue eyes. Heero's eyes. "What happened?" He demanded.

I could only shake my head. I was breathing too fast, and the

world was starting to tilt at a crazy angle. I could still feel

them watching me, touching me. I tried to push Heero's hands off

of my shoulders, letting out a choked sound that might have been a

sob on a happier day. The other guys were dim behind him; my

vision was starting to black out around the edges. The panic

refused to release me. It had already coiled itself around me and

was squeezing until I couldn't breathe.

I was so afraid.

I was terrified.

Blurrily, I thought I saw Trowa grimace, his eyes narrowing. He

brought up on hand to clutch the side of his face... and suddenly,

Heero was shoved out of the way and one of Trowa's thin, delicate

hands was rushing toward me. It cracked solidly across my

cheekbone, and I lost my balance and half fell, tasting blood in

my mouth.

I heard Quatre yell "Trowa!" and Heero turned and shoved him away,

his face twisted into the first truly angry expression I've ever

seen on him.

I touched my cheek gingerly. It hurt, a lot, but the pain was mine.

It was all mine. It was clean. I held it to me and focused on it

until my breathing slowed. Heero turned back toward me and tried

to help me stand up. I jerked away from him and stumbled to my

feet, running down the hall to my dorm room. I scrabbled at the

doorknob until I was able to force the door open. I think I must

have broken the lock. I didn't care. I had to get away. I had to

hide.

I ran into the bathroom and slammed the door behind me, locking it.

I half struggled out of my uniform, popping more buttons off of it

and ripping one of the seams open, then gave it up as a lost cause

and stumbled into the shower, turning the cold water up full blast.

It hit me like wall, leaving me drenched, shivering, and gasping

for breath through my chattering teeth. But it was real.

I slid down the shower wall until I was under the freezing spray,

curling into a tiny, shivering ball. It was real. Oh god, it was

real.

The last normal thing in my life was gone. I didn't have anything

left that wasn't tainted.

"I can't do this." I whispered softly to the empty air before I

put my face in my hands and cried.