Acherontia Atropos Part 10

It's impossible to understand what I was thinking at that time.

The only reason I can remember anything is because while my main

self was cowering in the shower and whimpering like a lost three-

year-old, there was a tiny part of myself that was merely watching,

not caring about what was happening in the slightest. I've always

found that part of myself disturbing; it's the part of me that

lets me kill people and be able to sleep afterwards, or blow up

buildings and not think about how many people died. It was white,

neutral blankness that was the essence of nothing.

I didn't want to know what had happened to me. I wanted to erase

the last fifteen minutes of my life. My friends - no, I guess they

weren't my friends any more - had touched me, in ways that I never

wanted anyone to touch me.

And I had enjoyed it. God forgive me, on some deep, primal level,

I had been aroused by it.

I was dirty, and it wasn't dirt that the shower could wash away. I

wanted to hide where no one would ever see me, so that no one

would be able to see how dirty I was. I wanted to scrape the filth

off with my fingernails, only I couldn't seem to make my hands

unclench.

I don't know how long I sat beneath the freezing spray. It could

have been a minute, it could have been an hour, a day, a year. At

first, the cold water made my skin sting, given me pain that I

could cling to - it wasn't tainted by the touch of monsters. All

too soon everything went numb, and all I could do was shiver. I

shook so hard that I was having a tough time breathing; every now

and then my body jerked and I hit the back of my head against the

shower wall. My uniform was clinging to my body like a second skin

of ice. The cold reached down through my soul until I was afraid

that I would never be able to be warm again.

The monsters under the bed were real, and they could look just

like my classmates.

I couldn't do this.

The first thing I heard, other than the hiss of water, was someone

knocking on the bathroom door. By that time, I was too cold to

move, too cold to think. Too cold to care.

Whoever it was knocked again, louder. "Duo?" Quatre's voice was

muffled by the wood of the door. "Are you okay?"

Any other time, I would have laughed at the question, because it

was just too stupid. I wasn't sure if I was ever going to be okay

again.

I guess my lack of response worried Quatre, because he knocked

again, even more loudly. "Duo, can you hear me?" The knob rattled.

"Please open the door." Even if I'd felt like it, I don't think I

could have gotten up. I couldn't feel any more, which was almost

comforting. The knob rattled again, and the door creaked as Quatre

pushed against it experimentally. "Duo!" Quatre yelled. "Say

something!" Idly, I wondered why he sounded so upset. Maybe he

thought I was trying to kill myself again. I'd promised Wufei that

I wouldn't ever try again, no matter what. Quatre didn't have to

be worried.

I just needed to get away for a little while. That was all.

Something was happening beyond the bathroom door. Quatre yelled,

though I couldn't make out the words. After a moment, he fell

silent, and then someone pounded on the door. It was Heero. "Duo,

open the door." He sounded very angry, but there was something in

his voice that I couldn't really understand. In anyone else, I

would have said it was fear. But Heero Yuy didn't feel fear.

I tried to answer; no matter how upset I was, I didn't mean to

spread it around. And Heero sounded more than upset. Nothing would

come out of my mouth except soft gulping sounds. There was another

pause, another excited discussion, and then something slammed into

the door once, then again, harder. With a tortured crack, the lock

broke and the door was flung inwards, slamming solidly into the

wall and staying there. I wanted to wince; that would be a bitch

to fix.

Heero was through the doorway before the door had even hit the

wall. He ran right into the edge of the sink and grunted. Typical

Heero. Use a thermo-nuclear device to kill ants. He turned and

fixed me with the most intense, angry glare I'd ever seen from him.

I wanted to cower away, to apologize. His gaze flicked down for a

moment, checking the water for any traces of blood. Maybe Quatre

really did think that I would try to slit my wrists again.

"Duo?" Heero said. He moved forward, and Quatre squeezed into the

bathroom after him.

I lifted my head and tried to look at Heero. My hair was soaked,

and it hung in front of my eyes in a ragged, dripping curtain. I

couldn't stop shaking.

His eyes never leaving my face, Heero reached over me and turned

the shower off with a viscious jerk of his wrist. The caulking

around the handle cracked.

"Duo, are you alright?" Quatre asked.

I couldn't answer.

Heero didn't know quite what to do. For a long moment, he just

looked at me, like he would swallow me with his eyes. A hard chill

hit me, and my entire body convulsed, jerking my head back to

crack against the wall again. Until now, I hadn't really felt the

cold; I had just felt numb. Now the air hit me like a solid wall.

Heero roughly hauled me out of the shower, holding me tightly.

Quatre got out of his way and he carried me out into the room. I

tried to giggle; he seemed to be doing that an awful lot, lately.

It was starting to get ridiculous. All I could do was let out a

soft puff of air, though.

"Idiot." Heero growled. "He had the cold water on all the way."

Quatre came up beside him, his face pale and pinched with worry.

Without preamble, Heero dumped me on his bed and started to

unbutton my shirt. He had a difficult time with it; the material

of the shirt was soaked and didn't want to give. Quatre pulled off

my shoes and pants.

With a growl, Heero gave up and simply popped the buttons, sitting

me up so he could pull the ruined shirt off of me. Quatre snagged

my underwear - score one pair of ruined boxers. They picked me up

and quickly moved me over to my bed. Their hands felt like fire

against my skin. Heero muttered a really foul word and yanked my

blanket up over me. He pulled the extra blankets from under my bed

and piled those on top of me as well. They weren't doing much good.

Heero said another extremely foul word. My vision was starting to

dim, so I simply shut my eyes, and I felt the last few threads of

reality slipping hrough my fingers. I think the thing that

frightened me the most later was that I really didn't care. I just

wanted to escape.

I heard Quatre say, "He's not going to be able to warm up on his

own."

The pressure of the blankets lifted from me for a moment, and two

warm bodies slid into the bed, one on either side of me.

Suddenly, all the fear that I thought I had escaped from surged

back up. I heard Kaori whispering "We're always watching you..."

The tiny bit of uncaring peace that I had been clinging to was

torn away. Oh God...I couldn't breathe...

/No! Don't touch me!/

/No!/

I let out a strangled sob and tried to curl up into a little ball,

covering my face with my hands. Warm, strong arms wrapped around

me and pulled me tightly against someone's bare chest.

"It's okay, Duo." Quatre whispered. "It's just me and Heero. It's

okay. We're just trying to warm you up. It's okay. You're safe now.

It's okay..." He repeated the same soft words, over and over in a

calming litany. Heero and Quatre were my friends. No, more than

friends. More than family. They wouldn't hurt me. I buried my face

against Quatre's hot shoulder and started to cry like I would

never stop.

Two warm, calloused hands touched my back. I forced myself to

relax; it was Heero. He wouldn't let anyone hurt me. After a

moment, the hands slid around my waist and Heero was pressed up

against my back.

Neither he nor Quatre were wearing more than their underwear, and

I wasn't wearing anything at all, but for that moment it didn't

bother me one bit. This was clean. It was comfort.

Both of them were like steady flames on either side of me.

Quatre's heartbeat softly echoed in my ears. I drank of their

warmth until I couldn't hold any more, until I stopped shaking. I

fed their warmth into the profound chill that the vampires had put

into me and it slowly receded until it was nothing more than a

dull ache, though it wouldn't disappear entirely.

I don't know how long the two of them held me like that. I

sniffled loudly, sounding for all the world like a little kid.

Quatre's arms tightened around me for a moment and I glanced up.

He looked very tired. "Are you going to be okay now?"

I tried to laugh, and ended up choking. My voice was thick with

phlegm, my nose felt like it was going to explode, and my throat

was very, very sore. "I don't know." I said honestly. Some people

can cry without feeling like shit when they're done. That's

definitely not one of my talents. Thankfully, I could count the

number of times I'd cried on one hand - being a guy had its

benefits.

"What happened?" Quatre asked.

I clenched my hands until my fingernails bit into my palms.

"Vampires," I said. My voice didn't shake. Go me. Not that I

really had to put up any pretense of strength now, considering

that Quatre's shoulder was slick with my tears. It made me feel

better, though. "They were controlling Kaori and Mika and everyone.

I couldn't defend myself."

"Shit," Quatre said.

I managed a watery chuckle at that. I didn't get to hear Quatre

cuss too often.

Heero's voice was soft and dangerous. "What did they do?"

"Please don't ask." I shook my head. "Please don't make me think

about it." I wondered if I sounded as pathetic to them as I did in

my own ears.

Heero's arms tightened around my waist. "It's alright," he said.

I shook my head. "It's not okay." Despite my best efforts, tears

started stinging at my eyes again. "Goddamnit!" I scrubbed at my

eyes with a hand.

There was a soft knock on the door, after which it was immediately

opened. The person who had just come in let out a surprised cough.

I snorted thickly. That could only be one person

"Come in and shut the door, Wufei," Quatre said. I heard the door

shut, so I guess Wufei did as he was told for once. "Duo was

trying to freeze to death," Quatre continued, "we had to warm him

up."

I snorted again - or let's be honest - giggled at how perverted

that sounded. Oh God, this wasn't good. The way I was going,

pretty soon I'd start to laugh, and then I wouldn't be able to

stop, and then Mimura would show up with a strait jacket and a

hand cart to haul me away to the happy place where people

fingerpainted on the walls all day.

Wufei walked softly to the bed. I rolled my eyes up so I could see

him. "You look like hell, Duo," he observed. "And you're being

quiet." He was taut with anger, but I knew that it wasn't directed

at me. He sat down on the edge of the bed by my head, and for a

brief moment, he reached out and brushed my half dry hair back

with one hand.

I was a surprised a little--well, a lot. Best friend Wufei may

have been, but touchy-feely he wasn't. Just this once, it seemed

right. He radiated the same sort of warmth as Quatre and Heero.

The door opened again, and shut. It had to be Trowa. No one said

anything to him, and I felt Heero's arms stiffen. The bed shifted

down a little, as he sat down at the foot.

"Duo," Trowa said softly. "I'm sorry--"

"It's okay." I sniffled again and resisted the urge to wipe my

nose on the back of my hand. "I needed it. I was scared."

"Alright," was all he said.

It took too much energy to hold my head up. I gave up and rested

my cheek on Quatre's shoulder again. I wasn't shivering any more,

but little tremors kept running through me. I shut my eyes.

Wufei smoothed my hair back again, and then Quatre tilted my face

up. He kissed me on the forehead. Any other time, it would have

been weird. Instead, it was comforting. "It will be alright," he

said, very quietly.

I could still feel Quatre's lips pressed against my forehead. More

than friends. More than family. We belonged. All of us.

I let my eyes drift shut. I was so tired, so empty. I had to sleep.

But I wasn't afraid, not any more. They were there. Nothing could

hurt me.

* * *

As exhausted as I was, I didn't sleep well or long. I'd always

been a light sleeper--you couldn't survive on the street or as a

terrorist if you weren't, really. Normally, though, my brain acted

as a filter and I only woke up if I heard something suspicious.

This time every little sound made me struggle for wakefulness.

And the nightmares. Oh God...the nightmares. So much for dreams

not bothering me any more.

Every time I began to wake, though, someone was there, either

sitting by my bed or even laying next to me to reassure me that I

was safe and could go back to sleep. I knew Wufei took his turn,

because I once again woke to the sound of him quietly reading to

me in Chinese. Another time, I started to struggle into

wakefulness and I heard the comforting, even blur of words that

sounded like a prayer. The familiar sound calmed me.

I woke up for good when the world outside my window was just

starting to lighten. I didn't see sunrise very often, and when I

did, it was always from the wrong end. It wasn't a very welcome

sight. Some people say that things will always look better in the

morning. That's bullshit. I was just as scared as I had been when

I went to sleep. The only improvement was that I wasn't

freezing my ass off any more.

I shuddered and sat up quickly, rubbing my bare arms. I was

breathing heavily, like I'd been running or something, and beads

of sweat ran down my forehead. That last nightmare had certainly

been interesting. Like an instant replay of the fun and games

yesterday, but with Quatre and Trowa and Heero and Wufei instead

of the other students. Lovely.

I covered my mouth and manfully fought off the urge to retch.

Throwing up wasn't going to do anything for me other than make me

feel even more shitty, especially since I didn't have anything in

my stomach. No, what I really wanted was to take a shower and just

wash away all the dirt that yesterday had put there...those

hands...

Unfortunately, I knew that it wasn't filth I could just wash away.

I wasn't sure if I'd ever be clean again.

At that thought, I did retch. Immediately, there was a soft rustle

from the vicinity of Heero's bed and then a cool hand touched my

forehead. I closed my eyes as he wrapped his arm around my waist.

"Calm down," Heero murmured. "You're starting to hyperventilate

again."

I nodded and concentrated on my breathing. In and out. Slow and

steady. Focus in on the sound of your own heartbeat, and listen to

it until it slows down. Feel every individual muscle in your body

and make them all relax, one by one. The entire touchy-feely-one-

with-the-universe

routine that Wufei had taught me a couple months back was tedious,

boring, and just what I needed. It got my mind off of my

nightmares and washed away all my thoughts while I concentrated on

just controlling my own body. It took a while before I had

everything back to normal, though. I was having a hard time

concentrating.

Heero backed off as soon as I had everything under control again.

He handed me a cup of water and sat down on the wooden chair that

was still in its eternal place beside my bed. For a long moment, I

just stared into the water, like I thought I was going to find

answers or some kind of weird salvation in it. No such luck. I

took a cautious sip. The water was warm; I guess it'd been sitting

out for a while.

After I'd finished attempting to communicate with the spirit of

the glass of water, Heero spoke up. "Are you okay?."

I snorted and inhaled some of the water, then coughed it out.

After that little bit of excitement was over, I laughed. "Why does

everyone keep asking me that?" I asked through my giggles. They

sounded very unhealthy. My voice wasn't normally that high-pitched.

"The answer's pretty damn obvious, isn't it?"

"True," Heero said.

I made myself stop laughing by running through Wufei's touchy-

feely routine again. Hey, becoming one with the universe is harder

than it sounds. Really, though, it was a good exercise, and I

shouldn't have made fun of Wufei like that. Not that I was going

to stop. I finished the water off in a couple of gulps and then

let my hands drop to my lap, still holding the cup. I could feel a

little breeze where no breeze had gone before, and I adjusted the

blanket with one hand before I went back to holding the cup. Silly,

I know, considering only a few hours before I'd been wearing even

less than a blanket and crying like a baby. Dignity was dignity,

though. I only had a couple pathetic shreds left, but I was going

to hold on to those with a death grip.

The silence stretched out longer and longer between us. I slowly

turned the cup in my hands, concentrating on the smooth, clean

texture of the glass underneath my fingers. I could see the

distorted reflection of my hands on it.

Finally, I couldn't take it any longer and turned to look at Heero.

He was staring at me, completely frozen.

"What? Do I have something on my face?" I asked with a nervous

laugh. I wasn't quite sure what to do.

Heero reached out and grabbed my left wrist, pulling my arm toward

him. I jerked at the touch and had to put a lot of effort into not

pulling away. The occasions when Heero touched me were too rare to

waste as far as I was concerned, no matter how much they freaked

me out at the time.

He was staring down at my arm. "What are you looking at?" I asked,

then looked down, a little curious. My wrist looked delicate

against his hand. I was wiry rather than outright muscular like

Heero, so I'd always look like a peanut next to him. I had a

couple fading bruises and healing scrapes on the inside of my arm.

There were some old scars, too. Nothing interesting as far as I

could see. Nothing new.

It took a minute for me to realize what he found so fascinating.

One long, thin scar ran halfway up my lower arm, starting at my

wrist. It had faded now, but it was still pretty visible against

my skin; shiny white and puckered. "You haven't seen it before,

have you?" I asked quietly. When Heero had... come back... I'd

still been wearing bandages. I'd graduated straight to long

sleeved shirts and hadn't worn anything else since then. People

tended to get disconcerted when they saw my scars, especially when

they were still pretty pink and new, and hell, I'll admit, they

disconcerted me too.

He touched my arm with his other hand, and gently traced the line

of the scar with his fingertips. It tingled.

That, I couldn't quite handle. I pulled my wrist out of his grasp

as quickly as possible, and wonder of wonders, he let go.

He looked up at me. "You cut along the vein."

I nodded. "I try to do things right whenever the opportunity

presents itself."

That got the desired reaction from Heero. He snorted, and the

intensity in his eyes faded back to normal levels. "I... don't

remember," he said tonelessly.

"That's not surprising, considering you were doing a good cadaver

impression at the time." I shrugged. "Don't worry about it. You're

alive, I'm alive, so everything's okay." /I wish./

"Why?"

I knew what he meant, and I shrugged again. "I can't really say. I

wasn't exactly myself right then. Suicide normally ain't my style.

And I don't like to think about it too much now. You're here, so I

don't have to remember."

He shook his head. "Are you going to be alight?"

I hugged my knees to my chest, fighting off the cold that was

creeping up on me. "I don't know." I mumbled. I just wanted to

forget what had happened.

"Do you want to talk?"

The irony was a little much. Heero asking me to talk. God had such

a sense of humor. "No. I don't even want to think about it. Ever."

He didn't push the point. If I had been able to feel anything, I

would have been relieved. At that point in time, I just didn't

care. He shifted so he could dig around in his pocket. "I almost

forgot..." he said, then held a hand out. "Here."

I grinned. It felt good that I had something to grin about. "Thank

you!" I said, and grabbed the cross that was dangling from between

his fingers. I hadn't even really thought of it until now, but I

felt a small part of my anxiety go away. It was easy to slip the

chain over my head, and my braid

didn't even catch in it too badly. The cross settled against my

chest comfortably. It was warm from being in Heero's pocket.

"Thank you." I said again.

"I found it in the parking lot." He shrugged. "I thought you'd

need it. We're going to go hunting tonight."

I looked up, suddenly feeling cold. "What?" This wasn't happening.

No. Bad Heero.

"The mission is getting too intense. We need to finish it now."

Heero was certainly back to normal, like he hadn't been acting at

all strange a moment before. He had that fanatical 'man on a

mission' glint in his eye. I shook my head. "Count me out." Nuh uh.

No way in hell, you little son of a bitch.

You would have thought that I'd said the sky was green, the way he

looked at me. "What?"

"I said no. I couldn't stand up against what they sent after me

yesterday. There's no way I'm going to be effective against them.

I'm too scared." I said. That's me, Duo the logical. No, Duo the

freaked.

"They were playing head games with you." Heero shrugged.

I nodded in agreement. "They won." Surprise, surprise. Duo has

left the building.

Heero's eyebrows raised. "That's it?"

"Yeah, that's it. I'm scared, I'm sick, and I'm not playing any

more. I'm not going to be able to beat them." /So why should I

try?/

The eyebrows cranked up a notch higher. "That's not like you."

"I'm having a bad fucking week." I couldn't tell him the real

reason why I was so scared. I could still feel that vampire's

power dancing across my skin, and I remembered how good it felt. I

didn't want to get any close than that, because I might not be

able to say 'no' again. I just wanted to crawl into a little hole

and bury myself so that no one would ever find me again.

"Fine," Heero said.

"Fine?" I blinked. I'd been expecting more of an argument.

"Fine," he said again. "We'll leave you here, and Wufei as well in

case they come back." He stood up. I could tell that he was angry,

even though he was hiding it behind the usual cold Perfect Soldier

Mask. Not that I cared. No matter how pissy he got, I was not

doing this. Jesus himself could have come stepping out of my

closet, complete with angelic choir and asked me to do it as a

personal favor for him and the big daddy, and I would have happily

told him to spin on it without a second thought.

"You're still going against them?" Now I was shocked. I knew he

was suicidal, but... stupid?

"Yes." He said, looking at me coolly. "We can't fail." With that,

he quietly stormed out. Somehow managing to give the distinct

impression that he was slamming the door even though it shut

without a sound. I just watched him go, torn between fear and

anger. That had HURT.

I stayed in my room the rest of the day. Heero didn't come back.

* * *

Heero still hadn't come back when I went to sleep. He and Quatre

and Trowa were already out hunting, I guessed. For a long time, I

just lay in bed and stared at the ceiling and tried not to think

of all the things that could happen to them. They probably

wouldn't find the vampires, since we still didn't know where to

look. Yeah. Who was I trying to fool?

I rolled over and put my pillow over my head and tried not to

think at all. If anything happened, it would be my fault. Hell, if

anything DIDN'T happen, it would still be my fault. Guilt, anyone?

What kind of friend was I, that I would just turn my back at the

first sign of something bad? Maybe that was why everything I loved

always left me in the end. I was too weak to hold on to it.

Maybe I was getting punished for not having enough faith.

Ah... and there was the move from self-flagellation to depression.

I growled into the mattress and cut off that train of thought.

Damnit, I wasn't going to accomplish anything like that.

My back muscles started protesting loudly as I got tenser and

tenser while my thoughts ran around in an unhappy little circle.

Finally, I curled up in a little ball, cocooned myself in the

blankets and just let the world go on its merry way without me. I

lay there with my pillow still over my head until I fell into an

uneasy sleep.

I dreamed, again. I was at the edge of the forest, kneeling in the

bloody mud where Yan had been killed. His body was laying there,

pale in the moonlight. I could see a white glitter in the ruin

where his throat used to be. His spine. I got up to go back to the

dorms, but when I turned around, the school wasn't there. It was

the ruins of Maxwell Church. I could see the twisted bodies

wrapped around stone and wood and steel, littered with sharp glass

shards. There was blood everywhere. I could hear the flies buzzing

thickly, see them flying above the corpses in dense black clouds.

Some circled around me, then landed at my feet where blood was

dripping from my pants onto the ground. The started to drink it

off of the ragged stone.

I'd done this. It was mine. It was my home.

I was Death.

I walked through the ruins and looked over the destruction that I

had brought down. There was a child laying face down on what was

left of a wall with blood running out from under its--his--face. I

knew that if I turned him over, he wouldn't have a face, only a

huge bullet exit wound. Further

along, I could see a nun spread eagled on the ground. I'd been

through this old dream, half memory and half guilty vision, so

many times that I didn't even have to look at it any more to know

where each body was. I'd learned not to step in the dream blood a

long time ago; it was always tacky and would stick to my shoes,

and then the flies would all converge on me and

try to settle on my legs.

I stopped by the body of another little boy. He looked a lot like

Yan. His chest was riddled with tiny bullet entry wounds. I knew

that if I turned him over, he didn't have a back left. But his

face was still perfect and uninjured, only splattered with a

little blood. If you just looked at his face, you'd believe that

he would open his eyes at any moment, and smile at you, and ask

you why you were so upset. Shit.

Yan had looked like that.

Yan. Another person that I'd killed.

Yan.

Something was wrong, very wrong, out of kilter. I was smelling

something. It wasn't the thirsty coppery scent of freshly spilled

blood, but instead the gagging, clinging stench of flesh that was

just beginning to rot. It sat, sickly-sweet, on the back of my

tongue, making me want to retch. Dreams weren't supposed to smell

like anything, were they? It was perhaps the only blessing in

it...it wasn't as real because I couldn't smell the deaths.

The smell didn't belong in my dream!

I threw myself into wakefulness and sat up in bed, my hands

already feeling through the blankets and under my pillow, trying

to find my gun. When I realized that I'd left it under my bed, I

scrambled off the bed, away from the choking stench. My legs got

tangled in the blanket and I fell, making a grab for the curtain.

With numerous metallic popping sounds, it followed me,

ripping right off of the rings it was mounted on.

Suddenly, the room was flooded with pale, insane moonlight. My

searching hands found the shoulder rig under my bed and I pulled

it out, drawing the Browning and clicking off the safety in one

smooth motion. My world fell away until I was in the static, empty

white place where I stand whenever I'm about to kill, and I looked

calmly down the barrel of the gun...

The Browning dropped from my limp hands to the floor as I looked

into Yan's flat, dead eyes.