Acherontia Atropos Part 10
It's impossible to understand what I was thinking at that time.
The only reason I can remember anything is because while my main
self was cowering in the shower and whimpering like a lost three-
year-old, there was a tiny part of myself that was merely watching,
not caring about what was happening in the slightest. I've always
found that part of myself disturbing; it's the part of me that
lets me kill people and be able to sleep afterwards, or blow up
buildings and not think about how many people died. It was white,
neutral blankness that was the essence of nothing.
I didn't want to know what had happened to me. I wanted to erase
the last fifteen minutes of my life. My friends - no, I guess they
weren't my friends any more - had touched me, in ways that I never
wanted anyone to touch me.
And I had enjoyed it. God forgive me, on some deep, primal level,
I had been aroused by it.
I was dirty, and it wasn't dirt that the shower could wash away. I
wanted to hide where no one would ever see me, so that no one
would be able to see how dirty I was. I wanted to scrape the filth
off with my fingernails, only I couldn't seem to make my hands
unclench.
I don't know how long I sat beneath the freezing spray. It could
have been a minute, it could have been an hour, a day, a year. At
first, the cold water made my skin sting, given me pain that I
could cling to - it wasn't tainted by the touch of monsters. All
too soon everything went numb, and all I could do was shiver. I
shook so hard that I was having a tough time breathing; every now
and then my body jerked and I hit the back of my head against the
shower wall. My uniform was clinging to my body like a second skin
of ice. The cold reached down through my soul until I was afraid
that I would never be able to be warm again.
The monsters under the bed were real, and they could look just
like my classmates.
I couldn't do this.
The first thing I heard, other than the hiss of water, was someone
knocking on the bathroom door. By that time, I was too cold to
move, too cold to think. Too cold to care.
Whoever it was knocked again, louder. "Duo?" Quatre's voice was
muffled by the wood of the door. "Are you okay?"
Any other time, I would have laughed at the question, because it
was just too stupid. I wasn't sure if I was ever going to be okay
again.
I guess my lack of response worried Quatre, because he knocked
again, even more loudly. "Duo, can you hear me?" The knob rattled.
"Please open the door." Even if I'd felt like it, I don't think I
could have gotten up. I couldn't feel any more, which was almost
comforting. The knob rattled again, and the door creaked as Quatre
pushed against it experimentally. "Duo!" Quatre yelled. "Say
something!" Idly, I wondered why he sounded so upset. Maybe he
thought I was trying to kill myself again. I'd promised Wufei that
I wouldn't ever try again, no matter what. Quatre didn't have to
be worried.
I just needed to get away for a little while. That was all.
Something was happening beyond the bathroom door. Quatre yelled,
though I couldn't make out the words. After a moment, he fell
silent, and then someone pounded on the door. It was Heero. "Duo,
open the door." He sounded very angry, but there was something in
his voice that I couldn't really understand. In anyone else, I
would have said it was fear. But Heero Yuy didn't feel fear.
I tried to answer; no matter how upset I was, I didn't mean to
spread it around. And Heero sounded more than upset. Nothing would
come out of my mouth except soft gulping sounds. There was another
pause, another excited discussion, and then something slammed into
the door once, then again, harder. With a tortured crack, the lock
broke and the door was flung inwards, slamming solidly into the
wall and staying there. I wanted to wince; that would be a bitch
to fix.
Heero was through the doorway before the door had even hit the
wall. He ran right into the edge of the sink and grunted. Typical
Heero. Use a thermo-nuclear device to kill ants. He turned and
fixed me with the most intense, angry glare I'd ever seen from him.
I wanted to cower away, to apologize. His gaze flicked down for a
moment, checking the water for any traces of blood. Maybe Quatre
really did think that I would try to slit my wrists again.
"Duo?" Heero said. He moved forward, and Quatre squeezed into the
bathroom after him.
I lifted my head and tried to look at Heero. My hair was soaked,
and it hung in front of my eyes in a ragged, dripping curtain. I
couldn't stop shaking.
His eyes never leaving my face, Heero reached over me and turned
the shower off with a viscious jerk of his wrist. The caulking
around the handle cracked.
"Duo, are you alright?" Quatre asked.
I couldn't answer.
Heero didn't know quite what to do. For a long moment, he just
looked at me, like he would swallow me with his eyes. A hard chill
hit me, and my entire body convulsed, jerking my head back to
crack against the wall again. Until now, I hadn't really felt the
cold; I had just felt numb. Now the air hit me like a solid wall.
Heero roughly hauled me out of the shower, holding me tightly.
Quatre got out of his way and he carried me out into the room. I
tried to giggle; he seemed to be doing that an awful lot, lately.
It was starting to get ridiculous. All I could do was let out a
soft puff of air, though.
"Idiot." Heero growled. "He had the cold water on all the way."
Quatre came up beside him, his face pale and pinched with worry.
Without preamble, Heero dumped me on his bed and started to
unbutton my shirt. He had a difficult time with it; the material
of the shirt was soaked and didn't want to give. Quatre pulled off
my shoes and pants.
With a growl, Heero gave up and simply popped the buttons, sitting
me up so he could pull the ruined shirt off of me. Quatre snagged
my underwear - score one pair of ruined boxers. They picked me up
and quickly moved me over to my bed. Their hands felt like fire
against my skin. Heero muttered a really foul word and yanked my
blanket up over me. He pulled the extra blankets from under my bed
and piled those on top of me as well. They weren't doing much good.
Heero said another extremely foul word. My vision was starting to
dim, so I simply shut my eyes, and I felt the last few threads of
reality slipping hrough my fingers. I think the thing that
frightened me the most later was that I really didn't care. I just
wanted to escape.
I heard Quatre say, "He's not going to be able to warm up on his
own."
The pressure of the blankets lifted from me for a moment, and two
warm bodies slid into the bed, one on either side of me.
Suddenly, all the fear that I thought I had escaped from surged
back up. I heard Kaori whispering "We're always watching you..."
The tiny bit of uncaring peace that I had been clinging to was
torn away. Oh God...I couldn't breathe...
/No! Don't touch me!/
/No!/
I let out a strangled sob and tried to curl up into a little ball,
covering my face with my hands. Warm, strong arms wrapped around
me and pulled me tightly against someone's bare chest.
"It's okay, Duo." Quatre whispered. "It's just me and Heero. It's
okay. We're just trying to warm you up. It's okay. You're safe now.
It's okay..." He repeated the same soft words, over and over in a
calming litany. Heero and Quatre were my friends. No, more than
friends. More than family. They wouldn't hurt me. I buried my face
against Quatre's hot shoulder and started to cry like I would
never stop.
Two warm, calloused hands touched my back. I forced myself to
relax; it was Heero. He wouldn't let anyone hurt me. After a
moment, the hands slid around my waist and Heero was pressed up
against my back.
Neither he nor Quatre were wearing more than their underwear, and
I wasn't wearing anything at all, but for that moment it didn't
bother me one bit. This was clean. It was comfort.
Both of them were like steady flames on either side of me.
Quatre's heartbeat softly echoed in my ears. I drank of their
warmth until I couldn't hold any more, until I stopped shaking. I
fed their warmth into the profound chill that the vampires had put
into me and it slowly receded until it was nothing more than a
dull ache, though it wouldn't disappear entirely.
I don't know how long the two of them held me like that. I
sniffled loudly, sounding for all the world like a little kid.
Quatre's arms tightened around me for a moment and I glanced up.
He looked very tired. "Are you going to be okay now?"
I tried to laugh, and ended up choking. My voice was thick with
phlegm, my nose felt like it was going to explode, and my throat
was very, very sore. "I don't know." I said honestly. Some people
can cry without feeling like shit when they're done. That's
definitely not one of my talents. Thankfully, I could count the
number of times I'd cried on one hand - being a guy had its
benefits.
"What happened?" Quatre asked.
I clenched my hands until my fingernails bit into my palms.
"Vampires," I said. My voice didn't shake. Go me. Not that I
really had to put up any pretense of strength now, considering
that Quatre's shoulder was slick with my tears. It made me feel
better, though. "They were controlling Kaori and Mika and everyone.
I couldn't defend myself."
"Shit," Quatre said.
I managed a watery chuckle at that. I didn't get to hear Quatre
cuss too often.
Heero's voice was soft and dangerous. "What did they do?"
"Please don't ask." I shook my head. "Please don't make me think
about it." I wondered if I sounded as pathetic to them as I did in
my own ears.
Heero's arms tightened around my waist. "It's alright," he said.
I shook my head. "It's not okay." Despite my best efforts, tears
started stinging at my eyes again. "Goddamnit!" I scrubbed at my
eyes with a hand.
There was a soft knock on the door, after which it was immediately
opened. The person who had just come in let out a surprised cough.
I snorted thickly. That could only be one person
"Come in and shut the door, Wufei," Quatre said. I heard the door
shut, so I guess Wufei did as he was told for once. "Duo was
trying to freeze to death," Quatre continued, "we had to warm him
up."
I snorted again - or let's be honest - giggled at how perverted
that sounded. Oh God, this wasn't good. The way I was going,
pretty soon I'd start to laugh, and then I wouldn't be able to
stop, and then Mimura would show up with a strait jacket and a
hand cart to haul me away to the happy place where people
fingerpainted on the walls all day.
Wufei walked softly to the bed. I rolled my eyes up so I could see
him. "You look like hell, Duo," he observed. "And you're being
quiet." He was taut with anger, but I knew that it wasn't directed
at me. He sat down on the edge of the bed by my head, and for a
brief moment, he reached out and brushed my half dry hair back
with one hand.
I was a surprised a little--well, a lot. Best friend Wufei may
have been, but touchy-feely he wasn't. Just this once, it seemed
right. He radiated the same sort of warmth as Quatre and Heero.
The door opened again, and shut. It had to be Trowa. No one said
anything to him, and I felt Heero's arms stiffen. The bed shifted
down a little, as he sat down at the foot.
"Duo," Trowa said softly. "I'm sorry--"
"It's okay." I sniffled again and resisted the urge to wipe my
nose on the back of my hand. "I needed it. I was scared."
"Alright," was all he said.
It took too much energy to hold my head up. I gave up and rested
my cheek on Quatre's shoulder again. I wasn't shivering any more,
but little tremors kept running through me. I shut my eyes.
Wufei smoothed my hair back again, and then Quatre tilted my face
up. He kissed me on the forehead. Any other time, it would have
been weird. Instead, it was comforting. "It will be alright," he
said, very quietly.
I could still feel Quatre's lips pressed against my forehead. More
than friends. More than family. We belonged. All of us.
I let my eyes drift shut. I was so tired, so empty. I had to sleep.
But I wasn't afraid, not any more. They were there. Nothing could
hurt me.
* * *
As exhausted as I was, I didn't sleep well or long. I'd always
been a light sleeper--you couldn't survive on the street or as a
terrorist if you weren't, really. Normally, though, my brain acted
as a filter and I only woke up if I heard something suspicious.
This time every little sound made me struggle for wakefulness.
And the nightmares. Oh God...the nightmares. So much for dreams
not bothering me any more.
Every time I began to wake, though, someone was there, either
sitting by my bed or even laying next to me to reassure me that I
was safe and could go back to sleep. I knew Wufei took his turn,
because I once again woke to the sound of him quietly reading to
me in Chinese. Another time, I started to struggle into
wakefulness and I heard the comforting, even blur of words that
sounded like a prayer. The familiar sound calmed me.
I woke up for good when the world outside my window was just
starting to lighten. I didn't see sunrise very often, and when I
did, it was always from the wrong end. It wasn't a very welcome
sight. Some people say that things will always look better in the
morning. That's bullshit. I was just as scared as I had been when
I went to sleep. The only improvement was that I wasn't
freezing my ass off any more.
I shuddered and sat up quickly, rubbing my bare arms. I was
breathing heavily, like I'd been running or something, and beads
of sweat ran down my forehead. That last nightmare had certainly
been interesting. Like an instant replay of the fun and games
yesterday, but with Quatre and Trowa and Heero and Wufei instead
of the other students. Lovely.
I covered my mouth and manfully fought off the urge to retch.
Throwing up wasn't going to do anything for me other than make me
feel even more shitty, especially since I didn't have anything in
my stomach. No, what I really wanted was to take a shower and just
wash away all the dirt that yesterday had put there...those
hands...
Unfortunately, I knew that it wasn't filth I could just wash away.
I wasn't sure if I'd ever be clean again.
At that thought, I did retch. Immediately, there was a soft rustle
from the vicinity of Heero's bed and then a cool hand touched my
forehead. I closed my eyes as he wrapped his arm around my waist.
"Calm down," Heero murmured. "You're starting to hyperventilate
again."
I nodded and concentrated on my breathing. In and out. Slow and
steady. Focus in on the sound of your own heartbeat, and listen to
it until it slows down. Feel every individual muscle in your body
and make them all relax, one by one. The entire touchy-feely-one-
with-the-universe
routine that Wufei had taught me a couple months back was tedious,
boring, and just what I needed. It got my mind off of my
nightmares and washed away all my thoughts while I concentrated on
just controlling my own body. It took a while before I had
everything back to normal, though. I was having a hard time
concentrating.
Heero backed off as soon as I had everything under control again.
He handed me a cup of water and sat down on the wooden chair that
was still in its eternal place beside my bed. For a long moment, I
just stared into the water, like I thought I was going to find
answers or some kind of weird salvation in it. No such luck. I
took a cautious sip. The water was warm; I guess it'd been sitting
out for a while.
After I'd finished attempting to communicate with the spirit of
the glass of water, Heero spoke up. "Are you okay?."
I snorted and inhaled some of the water, then coughed it out.
After that little bit of excitement was over, I laughed. "Why does
everyone keep asking me that?" I asked through my giggles. They
sounded very unhealthy. My voice wasn't normally that high-pitched.
"The answer's pretty damn obvious, isn't it?"
"True," Heero said.
I made myself stop laughing by running through Wufei's touchy-
feely routine again. Hey, becoming one with the universe is harder
than it sounds. Really, though, it was a good exercise, and I
shouldn't have made fun of Wufei like that. Not that I was going
to stop. I finished the water off in a couple of gulps and then
let my hands drop to my lap, still holding the cup. I could feel a
little breeze where no breeze had gone before, and I adjusted the
blanket with one hand before I went back to holding the cup. Silly,
I know, considering only a few hours before I'd been wearing even
less than a blanket and crying like a baby. Dignity was dignity,
though. I only had a couple pathetic shreds left, but I was going
to hold on to those with a death grip.
The silence stretched out longer and longer between us. I slowly
turned the cup in my hands, concentrating on the smooth, clean
texture of the glass underneath my fingers. I could see the
distorted reflection of my hands on it.
Finally, I couldn't take it any longer and turned to look at Heero.
He was staring at me, completely frozen.
"What? Do I have something on my face?" I asked with a nervous
laugh. I wasn't quite sure what to do.
Heero reached out and grabbed my left wrist, pulling my arm toward
him. I jerked at the touch and had to put a lot of effort into not
pulling away. The occasions when Heero touched me were too rare to
waste as far as I was concerned, no matter how much they freaked
me out at the time.
He was staring down at my arm. "What are you looking at?" I asked,
then looked down, a little curious. My wrist looked delicate
against his hand. I was wiry rather than outright muscular like
Heero, so I'd always look like a peanut next to him. I had a
couple fading bruises and healing scrapes on the inside of my arm.
There were some old scars, too. Nothing interesting as far as I
could see. Nothing new.
It took a minute for me to realize what he found so fascinating.
One long, thin scar ran halfway up my lower arm, starting at my
wrist. It had faded now, but it was still pretty visible against
my skin; shiny white and puckered. "You haven't seen it before,
have you?" I asked quietly. When Heero had... come back... I'd
still been wearing bandages. I'd graduated straight to long
sleeved shirts and hadn't worn anything else since then. People
tended to get disconcerted when they saw my scars, especially when
they were still pretty pink and new, and hell, I'll admit, they
disconcerted me too.
He touched my arm with his other hand, and gently traced the line
of the scar with his fingertips. It tingled.
That, I couldn't quite handle. I pulled my wrist out of his grasp
as quickly as possible, and wonder of wonders, he let go.
He looked up at me. "You cut along the vein."
I nodded. "I try to do things right whenever the opportunity
presents itself."
That got the desired reaction from Heero. He snorted, and the
intensity in his eyes faded back to normal levels. "I... don't
remember," he said tonelessly.
"That's not surprising, considering you were doing a good cadaver
impression at the time." I shrugged. "Don't worry about it. You're
alive, I'm alive, so everything's okay." /I wish./
"Why?"
I knew what he meant, and I shrugged again. "I can't really say. I
wasn't exactly myself right then. Suicide normally ain't my style.
And I don't like to think about it too much now. You're here, so I
don't have to remember."
He shook his head. "Are you going to be alight?"
I hugged my knees to my chest, fighting off the cold that was
creeping up on me. "I don't know." I mumbled. I just wanted to
forget what had happened.
"Do you want to talk?"
The irony was a little much. Heero asking me to talk. God had such
a sense of humor. "No. I don't even want to think about it. Ever."
He didn't push the point. If I had been able to feel anything, I
would have been relieved. At that point in time, I just didn't
care. He shifted so he could dig around in his pocket. "I almost
forgot..." he said, then held a hand out. "Here."
I grinned. It felt good that I had something to grin about. "Thank
you!" I said, and grabbed the cross that was dangling from between
his fingers. I hadn't even really thought of it until now, but I
felt a small part of my anxiety go away. It was easy to slip the
chain over my head, and my braid
didn't even catch in it too badly. The cross settled against my
chest comfortably. It was warm from being in Heero's pocket.
"Thank you." I said again.
"I found it in the parking lot." He shrugged. "I thought you'd
need it. We're going to go hunting tonight."
I looked up, suddenly feeling cold. "What?" This wasn't happening.
No. Bad Heero.
"The mission is getting too intense. We need to finish it now."
Heero was certainly back to normal, like he hadn't been acting at
all strange a moment before. He had that fanatical 'man on a
mission' glint in his eye. I shook my head. "Count me out." Nuh uh.
No way in hell, you little son of a bitch.
You would have thought that I'd said the sky was green, the way he
looked at me. "What?"
"I said no. I couldn't stand up against what they sent after me
yesterday. There's no way I'm going to be effective against them.
I'm too scared." I said. That's me, Duo the logical. No, Duo the
freaked.
"They were playing head games with you." Heero shrugged.
I nodded in agreement. "They won." Surprise, surprise. Duo has
left the building.
Heero's eyebrows raised. "That's it?"
"Yeah, that's it. I'm scared, I'm sick, and I'm not playing any
more. I'm not going to be able to beat them." /So why should I
try?/
The eyebrows cranked up a notch higher. "That's not like you."
"I'm having a bad fucking week." I couldn't tell him the real
reason why I was so scared. I could still feel that vampire's
power dancing across my skin, and I remembered how good it felt. I
didn't want to get any close than that, because I might not be
able to say 'no' again. I just wanted to crawl into a little hole
and bury myself so that no one would ever find me again.
"Fine," Heero said.
"Fine?" I blinked. I'd been expecting more of an argument.
"Fine," he said again. "We'll leave you here, and Wufei as well in
case they come back." He stood up. I could tell that he was angry,
even though he was hiding it behind the usual cold Perfect Soldier
Mask. Not that I cared. No matter how pissy he got, I was not
doing this. Jesus himself could have come stepping out of my
closet, complete with angelic choir and asked me to do it as a
personal favor for him and the big daddy, and I would have happily
told him to spin on it without a second thought.
"You're still going against them?" Now I was shocked. I knew he
was suicidal, but... stupid?
"Yes." He said, looking at me coolly. "We can't fail." With that,
he quietly stormed out. Somehow managing to give the distinct
impression that he was slamming the door even though it shut
without a sound. I just watched him go, torn between fear and
anger. That had HURT.
I stayed in my room the rest of the day. Heero didn't come back.
* * *
Heero still hadn't come back when I went to sleep. He and Quatre
and Trowa were already out hunting, I guessed. For a long time, I
just lay in bed and stared at the ceiling and tried not to think
of all the things that could happen to them. They probably
wouldn't find the vampires, since we still didn't know where to
look. Yeah. Who was I trying to fool?
I rolled over and put my pillow over my head and tried not to
think at all. If anything happened, it would be my fault. Hell, if
anything DIDN'T happen, it would still be my fault. Guilt, anyone?
What kind of friend was I, that I would just turn my back at the
first sign of something bad? Maybe that was why everything I loved
always left me in the end. I was too weak to hold on to it.
Maybe I was getting punished for not having enough faith.
Ah... and there was the move from self-flagellation to depression.
I growled into the mattress and cut off that train of thought.
Damnit, I wasn't going to accomplish anything like that.
My back muscles started protesting loudly as I got tenser and
tenser while my thoughts ran around in an unhappy little circle.
Finally, I curled up in a little ball, cocooned myself in the
blankets and just let the world go on its merry way without me. I
lay there with my pillow still over my head until I fell into an
uneasy sleep.
I dreamed, again. I was at the edge of the forest, kneeling in the
bloody mud where Yan had been killed. His body was laying there,
pale in the moonlight. I could see a white glitter in the ruin
where his throat used to be. His spine. I got up to go back to the
dorms, but when I turned around, the school wasn't there. It was
the ruins of Maxwell Church. I could see the twisted bodies
wrapped around stone and wood and steel, littered with sharp glass
shards. There was blood everywhere. I could hear the flies buzzing
thickly, see them flying above the corpses in dense black clouds.
Some circled around me, then landed at my feet where blood was
dripping from my pants onto the ground. The started to drink it
off of the ragged stone.
I'd done this. It was mine. It was my home.
I was Death.
I walked through the ruins and looked over the destruction that I
had brought down. There was a child laying face down on what was
left of a wall with blood running out from under its--his--face. I
knew that if I turned him over, he wouldn't have a face, only a
huge bullet exit wound. Further
along, I could see a nun spread eagled on the ground. I'd been
through this old dream, half memory and half guilty vision, so
many times that I didn't even have to look at it any more to know
where each body was. I'd learned not to step in the dream blood a
long time ago; it was always tacky and would stick to my shoes,
and then the flies would all converge on me and
try to settle on my legs.
I stopped by the body of another little boy. He looked a lot like
Yan. His chest was riddled with tiny bullet entry wounds. I knew
that if I turned him over, he didn't have a back left. But his
face was still perfect and uninjured, only splattered with a
little blood. If you just looked at his face, you'd believe that
he would open his eyes at any moment, and smile at you, and ask
you why you were so upset. Shit.
Yan had looked like that.
Yan. Another person that I'd killed.
Yan.
Something was wrong, very wrong, out of kilter. I was smelling
something. It wasn't the thirsty coppery scent of freshly spilled
blood, but instead the gagging, clinging stench of flesh that was
just beginning to rot. It sat, sickly-sweet, on the back of my
tongue, making me want to retch. Dreams weren't supposed to smell
like anything, were they? It was perhaps the only blessing in
it...it wasn't as real because I couldn't smell the deaths.
The smell didn't belong in my dream!
I threw myself into wakefulness and sat up in bed, my hands
already feeling through the blankets and under my pillow, trying
to find my gun. When I realized that I'd left it under my bed, I
scrambled off the bed, away from the choking stench. My legs got
tangled in the blanket and I fell, making a grab for the curtain.
With numerous metallic popping sounds, it followed me,
ripping right off of the rings it was mounted on.
Suddenly, the room was flooded with pale, insane moonlight. My
searching hands found the shoulder rig under my bed and I pulled
it out, drawing the Browning and clicking off the safety in one
smooth motion. My world fell away until I was in the static, empty
white place where I stand whenever I'm about to kill, and I looked
calmly down the barrel of the gun...
The Browning dropped from my limp hands to the floor as I looked
into Yan's flat, dead eyes.
It's impossible to understand what I was thinking at that time.
The only reason I can remember anything is because while my main
self was cowering in the shower and whimpering like a lost three-
year-old, there was a tiny part of myself that was merely watching,
not caring about what was happening in the slightest. I've always
found that part of myself disturbing; it's the part of me that
lets me kill people and be able to sleep afterwards, or blow up
buildings and not think about how many people died. It was white,
neutral blankness that was the essence of nothing.
I didn't want to know what had happened to me. I wanted to erase
the last fifteen minutes of my life. My friends - no, I guess they
weren't my friends any more - had touched me, in ways that I never
wanted anyone to touch me.
And I had enjoyed it. God forgive me, on some deep, primal level,
I had been aroused by it.
I was dirty, and it wasn't dirt that the shower could wash away. I
wanted to hide where no one would ever see me, so that no one
would be able to see how dirty I was. I wanted to scrape the filth
off with my fingernails, only I couldn't seem to make my hands
unclench.
I don't know how long I sat beneath the freezing spray. It could
have been a minute, it could have been an hour, a day, a year. At
first, the cold water made my skin sting, given me pain that I
could cling to - it wasn't tainted by the touch of monsters. All
too soon everything went numb, and all I could do was shiver. I
shook so hard that I was having a tough time breathing; every now
and then my body jerked and I hit the back of my head against the
shower wall. My uniform was clinging to my body like a second skin
of ice. The cold reached down through my soul until I was afraid
that I would never be able to be warm again.
The monsters under the bed were real, and they could look just
like my classmates.
I couldn't do this.
The first thing I heard, other than the hiss of water, was someone
knocking on the bathroom door. By that time, I was too cold to
move, too cold to think. Too cold to care.
Whoever it was knocked again, louder. "Duo?" Quatre's voice was
muffled by the wood of the door. "Are you okay?"
Any other time, I would have laughed at the question, because it
was just too stupid. I wasn't sure if I was ever going to be okay
again.
I guess my lack of response worried Quatre, because he knocked
again, even more loudly. "Duo, can you hear me?" The knob rattled.
"Please open the door." Even if I'd felt like it, I don't think I
could have gotten up. I couldn't feel any more, which was almost
comforting. The knob rattled again, and the door creaked as Quatre
pushed against it experimentally. "Duo!" Quatre yelled. "Say
something!" Idly, I wondered why he sounded so upset. Maybe he
thought I was trying to kill myself again. I'd promised Wufei that
I wouldn't ever try again, no matter what. Quatre didn't have to
be worried.
I just needed to get away for a little while. That was all.
Something was happening beyond the bathroom door. Quatre yelled,
though I couldn't make out the words. After a moment, he fell
silent, and then someone pounded on the door. It was Heero. "Duo,
open the door." He sounded very angry, but there was something in
his voice that I couldn't really understand. In anyone else, I
would have said it was fear. But Heero Yuy didn't feel fear.
I tried to answer; no matter how upset I was, I didn't mean to
spread it around. And Heero sounded more than upset. Nothing would
come out of my mouth except soft gulping sounds. There was another
pause, another excited discussion, and then something slammed into
the door once, then again, harder. With a tortured crack, the lock
broke and the door was flung inwards, slamming solidly into the
wall and staying there. I wanted to wince; that would be a bitch
to fix.
Heero was through the doorway before the door had even hit the
wall. He ran right into the edge of the sink and grunted. Typical
Heero. Use a thermo-nuclear device to kill ants. He turned and
fixed me with the most intense, angry glare I'd ever seen from him.
I wanted to cower away, to apologize. His gaze flicked down for a
moment, checking the water for any traces of blood. Maybe Quatre
really did think that I would try to slit my wrists again.
"Duo?" Heero said. He moved forward, and Quatre squeezed into the
bathroom after him.
I lifted my head and tried to look at Heero. My hair was soaked,
and it hung in front of my eyes in a ragged, dripping curtain. I
couldn't stop shaking.
His eyes never leaving my face, Heero reached over me and turned
the shower off with a viscious jerk of his wrist. The caulking
around the handle cracked.
"Duo, are you alright?" Quatre asked.
I couldn't answer.
Heero didn't know quite what to do. For a long moment, he just
looked at me, like he would swallow me with his eyes. A hard chill
hit me, and my entire body convulsed, jerking my head back to
crack against the wall again. Until now, I hadn't really felt the
cold; I had just felt numb. Now the air hit me like a solid wall.
Heero roughly hauled me out of the shower, holding me tightly.
Quatre got out of his way and he carried me out into the room. I
tried to giggle; he seemed to be doing that an awful lot, lately.
It was starting to get ridiculous. All I could do was let out a
soft puff of air, though.
"Idiot." Heero growled. "He had the cold water on all the way."
Quatre came up beside him, his face pale and pinched with worry.
Without preamble, Heero dumped me on his bed and started to
unbutton my shirt. He had a difficult time with it; the material
of the shirt was soaked and didn't want to give. Quatre pulled off
my shoes and pants.
With a growl, Heero gave up and simply popped the buttons, sitting
me up so he could pull the ruined shirt off of me. Quatre snagged
my underwear - score one pair of ruined boxers. They picked me up
and quickly moved me over to my bed. Their hands felt like fire
against my skin. Heero muttered a really foul word and yanked my
blanket up over me. He pulled the extra blankets from under my bed
and piled those on top of me as well. They weren't doing much good.
Heero said another extremely foul word. My vision was starting to
dim, so I simply shut my eyes, and I felt the last few threads of
reality slipping hrough my fingers. I think the thing that
frightened me the most later was that I really didn't care. I just
wanted to escape.
I heard Quatre say, "He's not going to be able to warm up on his
own."
The pressure of the blankets lifted from me for a moment, and two
warm bodies slid into the bed, one on either side of me.
Suddenly, all the fear that I thought I had escaped from surged
back up. I heard Kaori whispering "We're always watching you..."
The tiny bit of uncaring peace that I had been clinging to was
torn away. Oh God...I couldn't breathe...
/No! Don't touch me!/
/No!/
I let out a strangled sob and tried to curl up into a little ball,
covering my face with my hands. Warm, strong arms wrapped around
me and pulled me tightly against someone's bare chest.
"It's okay, Duo." Quatre whispered. "It's just me and Heero. It's
okay. We're just trying to warm you up. It's okay. You're safe now.
It's okay..." He repeated the same soft words, over and over in a
calming litany. Heero and Quatre were my friends. No, more than
friends. More than family. They wouldn't hurt me. I buried my face
against Quatre's hot shoulder and started to cry like I would
never stop.
Two warm, calloused hands touched my back. I forced myself to
relax; it was Heero. He wouldn't let anyone hurt me. After a
moment, the hands slid around my waist and Heero was pressed up
against my back.
Neither he nor Quatre were wearing more than their underwear, and
I wasn't wearing anything at all, but for that moment it didn't
bother me one bit. This was clean. It was comfort.
Both of them were like steady flames on either side of me.
Quatre's heartbeat softly echoed in my ears. I drank of their
warmth until I couldn't hold any more, until I stopped shaking. I
fed their warmth into the profound chill that the vampires had put
into me and it slowly receded until it was nothing more than a
dull ache, though it wouldn't disappear entirely.
I don't know how long the two of them held me like that. I
sniffled loudly, sounding for all the world like a little kid.
Quatre's arms tightened around me for a moment and I glanced up.
He looked very tired. "Are you going to be okay now?"
I tried to laugh, and ended up choking. My voice was thick with
phlegm, my nose felt like it was going to explode, and my throat
was very, very sore. "I don't know." I said honestly. Some people
can cry without feeling like shit when they're done. That's
definitely not one of my talents. Thankfully, I could count the
number of times I'd cried on one hand - being a guy had its
benefits.
"What happened?" Quatre asked.
I clenched my hands until my fingernails bit into my palms.
"Vampires," I said. My voice didn't shake. Go me. Not that I
really had to put up any pretense of strength now, considering
that Quatre's shoulder was slick with my tears. It made me feel
better, though. "They were controlling Kaori and Mika and everyone.
I couldn't defend myself."
"Shit," Quatre said.
I managed a watery chuckle at that. I didn't get to hear Quatre
cuss too often.
Heero's voice was soft and dangerous. "What did they do?"
"Please don't ask." I shook my head. "Please don't make me think
about it." I wondered if I sounded as pathetic to them as I did in
my own ears.
Heero's arms tightened around my waist. "It's alright," he said.
I shook my head. "It's not okay." Despite my best efforts, tears
started stinging at my eyes again. "Goddamnit!" I scrubbed at my
eyes with a hand.
There was a soft knock on the door, after which it was immediately
opened. The person who had just come in let out a surprised cough.
I snorted thickly. That could only be one person
"Come in and shut the door, Wufei," Quatre said. I heard the door
shut, so I guess Wufei did as he was told for once. "Duo was
trying to freeze to death," Quatre continued, "we had to warm him
up."
I snorted again - or let's be honest - giggled at how perverted
that sounded. Oh God, this wasn't good. The way I was going,
pretty soon I'd start to laugh, and then I wouldn't be able to
stop, and then Mimura would show up with a strait jacket and a
hand cart to haul me away to the happy place where people
fingerpainted on the walls all day.
Wufei walked softly to the bed. I rolled my eyes up so I could see
him. "You look like hell, Duo," he observed. "And you're being
quiet." He was taut with anger, but I knew that it wasn't directed
at me. He sat down on the edge of the bed by my head, and for a
brief moment, he reached out and brushed my half dry hair back
with one hand.
I was a surprised a little--well, a lot. Best friend Wufei may
have been, but touchy-feely he wasn't. Just this once, it seemed
right. He radiated the same sort of warmth as Quatre and Heero.
The door opened again, and shut. It had to be Trowa. No one said
anything to him, and I felt Heero's arms stiffen. The bed shifted
down a little, as he sat down at the foot.
"Duo," Trowa said softly. "I'm sorry--"
"It's okay." I sniffled again and resisted the urge to wipe my
nose on the back of my hand. "I needed it. I was scared."
"Alright," was all he said.
It took too much energy to hold my head up. I gave up and rested
my cheek on Quatre's shoulder again. I wasn't shivering any more,
but little tremors kept running through me. I shut my eyes.
Wufei smoothed my hair back again, and then Quatre tilted my face
up. He kissed me on the forehead. Any other time, it would have
been weird. Instead, it was comforting. "It will be alright," he
said, very quietly.
I could still feel Quatre's lips pressed against my forehead. More
than friends. More than family. We belonged. All of us.
I let my eyes drift shut. I was so tired, so empty. I had to sleep.
But I wasn't afraid, not any more. They were there. Nothing could
hurt me.
* * *
As exhausted as I was, I didn't sleep well or long. I'd always
been a light sleeper--you couldn't survive on the street or as a
terrorist if you weren't, really. Normally, though, my brain acted
as a filter and I only woke up if I heard something suspicious.
This time every little sound made me struggle for wakefulness.
And the nightmares. Oh God...the nightmares. So much for dreams
not bothering me any more.
Every time I began to wake, though, someone was there, either
sitting by my bed or even laying next to me to reassure me that I
was safe and could go back to sleep. I knew Wufei took his turn,
because I once again woke to the sound of him quietly reading to
me in Chinese. Another time, I started to struggle into
wakefulness and I heard the comforting, even blur of words that
sounded like a prayer. The familiar sound calmed me.
I woke up for good when the world outside my window was just
starting to lighten. I didn't see sunrise very often, and when I
did, it was always from the wrong end. It wasn't a very welcome
sight. Some people say that things will always look better in the
morning. That's bullshit. I was just as scared as I had been when
I went to sleep. The only improvement was that I wasn't
freezing my ass off any more.
I shuddered and sat up quickly, rubbing my bare arms. I was
breathing heavily, like I'd been running or something, and beads
of sweat ran down my forehead. That last nightmare had certainly
been interesting. Like an instant replay of the fun and games
yesterday, but with Quatre and Trowa and Heero and Wufei instead
of the other students. Lovely.
I covered my mouth and manfully fought off the urge to retch.
Throwing up wasn't going to do anything for me other than make me
feel even more shitty, especially since I didn't have anything in
my stomach. No, what I really wanted was to take a shower and just
wash away all the dirt that yesterday had put there...those
hands...
Unfortunately, I knew that it wasn't filth I could just wash away.
I wasn't sure if I'd ever be clean again.
At that thought, I did retch. Immediately, there was a soft rustle
from the vicinity of Heero's bed and then a cool hand touched my
forehead. I closed my eyes as he wrapped his arm around my waist.
"Calm down," Heero murmured. "You're starting to hyperventilate
again."
I nodded and concentrated on my breathing. In and out. Slow and
steady. Focus in on the sound of your own heartbeat, and listen to
it until it slows down. Feel every individual muscle in your body
and make them all relax, one by one. The entire touchy-feely-one-
with-the-universe
routine that Wufei had taught me a couple months back was tedious,
boring, and just what I needed. It got my mind off of my
nightmares and washed away all my thoughts while I concentrated on
just controlling my own body. It took a while before I had
everything back to normal, though. I was having a hard time
concentrating.
Heero backed off as soon as I had everything under control again.
He handed me a cup of water and sat down on the wooden chair that
was still in its eternal place beside my bed. For a long moment, I
just stared into the water, like I thought I was going to find
answers or some kind of weird salvation in it. No such luck. I
took a cautious sip. The water was warm; I guess it'd been sitting
out for a while.
After I'd finished attempting to communicate with the spirit of
the glass of water, Heero spoke up. "Are you okay?."
I snorted and inhaled some of the water, then coughed it out.
After that little bit of excitement was over, I laughed. "Why does
everyone keep asking me that?" I asked through my giggles. They
sounded very unhealthy. My voice wasn't normally that high-pitched.
"The answer's pretty damn obvious, isn't it?"
"True," Heero said.
I made myself stop laughing by running through Wufei's touchy-
feely routine again. Hey, becoming one with the universe is harder
than it sounds. Really, though, it was a good exercise, and I
shouldn't have made fun of Wufei like that. Not that I was going
to stop. I finished the water off in a couple of gulps and then
let my hands drop to my lap, still holding the cup. I could feel a
little breeze where no breeze had gone before, and I adjusted the
blanket with one hand before I went back to holding the cup. Silly,
I know, considering only a few hours before I'd been wearing even
less than a blanket and crying like a baby. Dignity was dignity,
though. I only had a couple pathetic shreds left, but I was going
to hold on to those with a death grip.
The silence stretched out longer and longer between us. I slowly
turned the cup in my hands, concentrating on the smooth, clean
texture of the glass underneath my fingers. I could see the
distorted reflection of my hands on it.
Finally, I couldn't take it any longer and turned to look at Heero.
He was staring at me, completely frozen.
"What? Do I have something on my face?" I asked with a nervous
laugh. I wasn't quite sure what to do.
Heero reached out and grabbed my left wrist, pulling my arm toward
him. I jerked at the touch and had to put a lot of effort into not
pulling away. The occasions when Heero touched me were too rare to
waste as far as I was concerned, no matter how much they freaked
me out at the time.
He was staring down at my arm. "What are you looking at?" I asked,
then looked down, a little curious. My wrist looked delicate
against his hand. I was wiry rather than outright muscular like
Heero, so I'd always look like a peanut next to him. I had a
couple fading bruises and healing scrapes on the inside of my arm.
There were some old scars, too. Nothing interesting as far as I
could see. Nothing new.
It took a minute for me to realize what he found so fascinating.
One long, thin scar ran halfway up my lower arm, starting at my
wrist. It had faded now, but it was still pretty visible against
my skin; shiny white and puckered. "You haven't seen it before,
have you?" I asked quietly. When Heero had... come back... I'd
still been wearing bandages. I'd graduated straight to long
sleeved shirts and hadn't worn anything else since then. People
tended to get disconcerted when they saw my scars, especially when
they were still pretty pink and new, and hell, I'll admit, they
disconcerted me too.
He touched my arm with his other hand, and gently traced the line
of the scar with his fingertips. It tingled.
That, I couldn't quite handle. I pulled my wrist out of his grasp
as quickly as possible, and wonder of wonders, he let go.
He looked up at me. "You cut along the vein."
I nodded. "I try to do things right whenever the opportunity
presents itself."
That got the desired reaction from Heero. He snorted, and the
intensity in his eyes faded back to normal levels. "I... don't
remember," he said tonelessly.
"That's not surprising, considering you were doing a good cadaver
impression at the time." I shrugged. "Don't worry about it. You're
alive, I'm alive, so everything's okay." /I wish./
"Why?"
I knew what he meant, and I shrugged again. "I can't really say. I
wasn't exactly myself right then. Suicide normally ain't my style.
And I don't like to think about it too much now. You're here, so I
don't have to remember."
He shook his head. "Are you going to be alight?"
I hugged my knees to my chest, fighting off the cold that was
creeping up on me. "I don't know." I mumbled. I just wanted to
forget what had happened.
"Do you want to talk?"
The irony was a little much. Heero asking me to talk. God had such
a sense of humor. "No. I don't even want to think about it. Ever."
He didn't push the point. If I had been able to feel anything, I
would have been relieved. At that point in time, I just didn't
care. He shifted so he could dig around in his pocket. "I almost
forgot..." he said, then held a hand out. "Here."
I grinned. It felt good that I had something to grin about. "Thank
you!" I said, and grabbed the cross that was dangling from between
his fingers. I hadn't even really thought of it until now, but I
felt a small part of my anxiety go away. It was easy to slip the
chain over my head, and my braid
didn't even catch in it too badly. The cross settled against my
chest comfortably. It was warm from being in Heero's pocket.
"Thank you." I said again.
"I found it in the parking lot." He shrugged. "I thought you'd
need it. We're going to go hunting tonight."
I looked up, suddenly feeling cold. "What?" This wasn't happening.
No. Bad Heero.
"The mission is getting too intense. We need to finish it now."
Heero was certainly back to normal, like he hadn't been acting at
all strange a moment before. He had that fanatical 'man on a
mission' glint in his eye. I shook my head. "Count me out." Nuh uh.
No way in hell, you little son of a bitch.
You would have thought that I'd said the sky was green, the way he
looked at me. "What?"
"I said no. I couldn't stand up against what they sent after me
yesterday. There's no way I'm going to be effective against them.
I'm too scared." I said. That's me, Duo the logical. No, Duo the
freaked.
"They were playing head games with you." Heero shrugged.
I nodded in agreement. "They won." Surprise, surprise. Duo has
left the building.
Heero's eyebrows raised. "That's it?"
"Yeah, that's it. I'm scared, I'm sick, and I'm not playing any
more. I'm not going to be able to beat them." /So why should I
try?/
The eyebrows cranked up a notch higher. "That's not like you."
"I'm having a bad fucking week." I couldn't tell him the real
reason why I was so scared. I could still feel that vampire's
power dancing across my skin, and I remembered how good it felt. I
didn't want to get any close than that, because I might not be
able to say 'no' again. I just wanted to crawl into a little hole
and bury myself so that no one would ever find me again.
"Fine," Heero said.
"Fine?" I blinked. I'd been expecting more of an argument.
"Fine," he said again. "We'll leave you here, and Wufei as well in
case they come back." He stood up. I could tell that he was angry,
even though he was hiding it behind the usual cold Perfect Soldier
Mask. Not that I cared. No matter how pissy he got, I was not
doing this. Jesus himself could have come stepping out of my
closet, complete with angelic choir and asked me to do it as a
personal favor for him and the big daddy, and I would have happily
told him to spin on it without a second thought.
"You're still going against them?" Now I was shocked. I knew he
was suicidal, but... stupid?
"Yes." He said, looking at me coolly. "We can't fail." With that,
he quietly stormed out. Somehow managing to give the distinct
impression that he was slamming the door even though it shut
without a sound. I just watched him go, torn between fear and
anger. That had HURT.
I stayed in my room the rest of the day. Heero didn't come back.
* * *
Heero still hadn't come back when I went to sleep. He and Quatre
and Trowa were already out hunting, I guessed. For a long time, I
just lay in bed and stared at the ceiling and tried not to think
of all the things that could happen to them. They probably
wouldn't find the vampires, since we still didn't know where to
look. Yeah. Who was I trying to fool?
I rolled over and put my pillow over my head and tried not to
think at all. If anything happened, it would be my fault. Hell, if
anything DIDN'T happen, it would still be my fault. Guilt, anyone?
What kind of friend was I, that I would just turn my back at the
first sign of something bad? Maybe that was why everything I loved
always left me in the end. I was too weak to hold on to it.
Maybe I was getting punished for not having enough faith.
Ah... and there was the move from self-flagellation to depression.
I growled into the mattress and cut off that train of thought.
Damnit, I wasn't going to accomplish anything like that.
My back muscles started protesting loudly as I got tenser and
tenser while my thoughts ran around in an unhappy little circle.
Finally, I curled up in a little ball, cocooned myself in the
blankets and just let the world go on its merry way without me. I
lay there with my pillow still over my head until I fell into an
uneasy sleep.
I dreamed, again. I was at the edge of the forest, kneeling in the
bloody mud where Yan had been killed. His body was laying there,
pale in the moonlight. I could see a white glitter in the ruin
where his throat used to be. His spine. I got up to go back to the
dorms, but when I turned around, the school wasn't there. It was
the ruins of Maxwell Church. I could see the twisted bodies
wrapped around stone and wood and steel, littered with sharp glass
shards. There was blood everywhere. I could hear the flies buzzing
thickly, see them flying above the corpses in dense black clouds.
Some circled around me, then landed at my feet where blood was
dripping from my pants onto the ground. The started to drink it
off of the ragged stone.
I'd done this. It was mine. It was my home.
I was Death.
I walked through the ruins and looked over the destruction that I
had brought down. There was a child laying face down on what was
left of a wall with blood running out from under its--his--face. I
knew that if I turned him over, he wouldn't have a face, only a
huge bullet exit wound. Further
along, I could see a nun spread eagled on the ground. I'd been
through this old dream, half memory and half guilty vision, so
many times that I didn't even have to look at it any more to know
where each body was. I'd learned not to step in the dream blood a
long time ago; it was always tacky and would stick to my shoes,
and then the flies would all converge on me and
try to settle on my legs.
I stopped by the body of another little boy. He looked a lot like
Yan. His chest was riddled with tiny bullet entry wounds. I knew
that if I turned him over, he didn't have a back left. But his
face was still perfect and uninjured, only splattered with a
little blood. If you just looked at his face, you'd believe that
he would open his eyes at any moment, and smile at you, and ask
you why you were so upset. Shit.
Yan had looked like that.
Yan. Another person that I'd killed.
Yan.
Something was wrong, very wrong, out of kilter. I was smelling
something. It wasn't the thirsty coppery scent of freshly spilled
blood, but instead the gagging, clinging stench of flesh that was
just beginning to rot. It sat, sickly-sweet, on the back of my
tongue, making me want to retch. Dreams weren't supposed to smell
like anything, were they? It was perhaps the only blessing in
it...it wasn't as real because I couldn't smell the deaths.
The smell didn't belong in my dream!
I threw myself into wakefulness and sat up in bed, my hands
already feeling through the blankets and under my pillow, trying
to find my gun. When I realized that I'd left it under my bed, I
scrambled off the bed, away from the choking stench. My legs got
tangled in the blanket and I fell, making a grab for the curtain.
With numerous metallic popping sounds, it followed me,
ripping right off of the rings it was mounted on.
Suddenly, the room was flooded with pale, insane moonlight. My
searching hands found the shoulder rig under my bed and I pulled
it out, drawing the Browning and clicking off the safety in one
smooth motion. My world fell away until I was in the static, empty
white place where I stand whenever I'm about to kill, and I looked
calmly down the barrel of the gun...
The Browning dropped from my limp hands to the floor as I looked
into Yan's flat, dead eyes.
