Everything that goes awry starts out simple. For me, it started out with falling in love with Jade. Wouldn't I be the one that would fall for the most beautiful, charming, breathtaking girl that I'd ever met – and the one with the most cynical, angry outlook on life and the entire male gender as a whole. To sum all the shit up into one handful of words, she was everything that I wanted and hated at the same time, in the same moment. And that very thing made it incredibly difficult to distinguish whether I should stay with her or walk away.
Then again, Jade and I never had anything that could remotely fall into the category of a relationship. The girl took and took and never gave anything in return, and I endured it because I was too much of a lovesick moron to figure out what was going on. That tends to be the case with love, but Jade took things to a new level. She didn't believe in being anything less than the best.
To go into everything that happened over the course of the two years before my 'awakening' as it were would take longer than the rest of what happened, giving us a movie roughly as long as James Cameron's beloved Titanic, if not pushing to be a bit longer. And this is if the entire thing is modified for the silver screen. In books, no one cuts corners. So you're looking then at a volume about the size of Stephen King's The Stand. The unabridged version. So I'm not going to waste that much of your time. Instead, I'll condense.
Jade met me, Jade seduced me. I fell in love with Jade. Jade had another girlfriend, Amanda, and a past love, Charlotte, who suddenly came back into the picture, presenting a relatively nasty problem for Jade who couldn't make up her mind. Jade and I fought, Jade got back together with Charlotte while still dating Amanda, I walked away for a span of time. Emotions got the better of me, Jade and I patched things up, Jade was still dating both Charlotte and Amanda while professing feelings for me and seducing Sarah, who at the time was my best friend.
Sarah falls in love with Jade, Jade tells me that Sarah doesn't mean anything to her and only falls into the category of one of her fuck-them-and-leave-them girls, which can last anywhere from thirty minutes to twelve weeks, depending on Jade's attention span, which really isn't that great for the most part. In the meantime Jade and Amanda break up, Jade continues dating Charlotte, and begins dating Sarah. Of course neither Charlotte nor Sarah know about each other, each believing Jade is in love with them and them alone. Charlotte hated me because of what I felt for Jade, Sarah grew to hate me for the same reason. Jade promised both of them that she would never speak to me again.
'Never speaking to me again' lasted about ten minutes.
Jade and I started our own secret little affair of sorts, devoid of the romance at most times but filled with all of the secrecy. She confided in me the details of both relationships with Charlotte and Sarah because evidently she had no one else to go to, and I clenched my teeth because it killed me to hear the person I was in love with go on about being in love with two other people that weren't me.
This continued for quite some time, and still is to this present moment. Jade falls in and out of love with Charlotte and Sarah respectively, while still remaining in relationships with both of them, unwilling to let either go.
Where do I fit into this equation?
Somewhere along the line, Jade decided that I belonged to her. I'm not talking about a romantic sense, either. I'm referring to as a possession, more of a pet than a person, someone to be there whenever she wanted them and to be quiet and out of sight when she was otherwise occupied. I wasn't allowed to have a life of my own, by Jade's standards. I had to remain entirely tied to her, regardless of what was going on elsewhere. I knew by Jade's words that she and I would never be together as I wanted, but she wasn't willing to let her grip loosen on me so I could pursue a life of happiness without her. She wanted me directly at her side, without any breathing room whatsoever.
For awhile this was romantic. It lost its appeal when I realized just how much Jade cared.
She didn't.
Not at all. Jade couldn't care less about me, what happened to me, or what I was feeling. She only called to drop her worries on my back, or to tell me of which wonderful thing Charlotte or Sarah said last. When I needed her she wasn't there, when I wanted her I was told I was insane, and I realized how little love there was on her side of things. There wasn't any.
Now understand that I'm a very patient person. I'll give someone that I love the moon and stars and ask if they want the sun to go with them. Jade was that and then some. I moved Heaven and Earth alike for her, dropped whatever I was doing when she needed me, and basically did whatever she asked whenever she asked, without question. And we're talking about some messed up shit here. Shit that I'm not going to put down into text for fear it might get out to someone that doesn't need to read it.
Jade's going to be furious at me for writing this at all. At least I can soften the blow a bit.
Somewhere in the middle of all of this, Jade took it upon herself to tell me that she'd been lying to me for the past two years about loving or caring for me at all. She said she did care, but only said she loved me so it would hurt me more later on. Of course as she was saying this it wasn't out of hurt, but rather out of her attempt at repentance. Or so she said. You can't really trust a liar, you know. Ever. Once they've lied to you once, it's so easy for them to do it again. And Jade loved lying to me.
Of course that didn't stop me from being there for her. If anything I tolerated more than I had before, trying to make myself believe in what Jade was saying, that she did care and always had, that things just continually went wrong, that she never meant to hurt me. The typical bullshit that comes from caring too much about a person that really doesn't care about you. But of course you're too much in love to know that, right? You're too wrapped up in whatever you're feeling to realize you're feeling it alone – that whoever you're feeling it for really doesn't give a damn whether you breathe or die. Or if they do care, then it's only for their own sadistic pleasure. They don't care about you, only the pain that you're feeling.
In short, I was in the process of coming to the conclusion that Jade didn't care about me at all. And that wasn't something I wanted to think on for very long.
It took nights of crying, taking pills, cutting, and curling up in the laps of trusted friends before I realized what was really going on. And in fact it took one late night phone call from Jade herself to set me over the edge. The straw that finally broke my back. Thankfully, I'm not a camel.
What was said in the phone call doesn't really matter now. I'm leaving a lot of details out for respect to privacy (yes, I still have that for Jade, despite everything), but I'll just say that it was the end of my rope. Something inside of me snapped at the realization that Jade was leaving in May to fly to see Sarah when she'd been promising me for months that she'd be with me at the end of May.
Oops. Looks like I let the cat out of the bag. Oh, well.
At any rate, that was the end of the line for me. Something inside of me snapped, and I felt every little ounce of anger that had been brewing inside of me boil over.
And freeze.
The Phantom of the Opera had become a newfound addiction for me over the past few days, and one quote rang its way through my mind at that point.
"The tears I might have shed for your dark fate grow cold and turn to tears of hate."
Nothing ever fit as well as that did in that one moment. I near to felt nothing but hatred then, hatred for the girl that had made me love her, only to reveal to me that she never cared in the first place. She enjoyed telling me that, why shouldn't I believe it? It was about time that I realized something was wrong here, and it was time for me to do something about it.
I spent the rest of that night not sleeping, only staring at the ceiling of my dorm room in complete and utter insomnia. Anj was asleep across the room, and I envied her ability to tune things out in order to get rest. I was the type never able to put something out of my mind long enough to do anything beneficial for myself, thus why I spent that night and morning lost in thought of Jade fucking Sarah's brains out and enjoying every damned minute of it. More than once I was ill from the thought, physically ill, and fell out of bed in an attempt to make it to the bathroom before I was sick. Thankfully, I succeeded all of those times.
Morning came, and with that my realization as to what I had to do. Thus, why the introduction to this entire story said everything that it did. It was the only way that this entire spiel could make sense. Setting the stage, you know.
So I spent the time after writing the introduction to this tale sprawled on my back on my bed, again staring at the ceiling. Over and over I'd dissected this situation, trying to figure out ways around it, ways to stop Jade and Sarah from ever meeting, ways of trying to make Jade fall in love with me again, if she ever had been in the first place, ways to make myself into a femme fatale that couldn't be resisted. All of those insane dreams that everyone has at one point or another. And just like everyone else with those same thoughts, I was coming up with nothing. A big blank. I was a nineteen year-old college student with posters on my walls and Everlasting Gobstoppers next to my computer – what was I going to do about it?
It's frightening how the best ideas sound like the most insane. I'm not insane, I promise. Nor was I ever. In fact, I was probably among the most sane of my friends. I was the resident medic and psychologist, always the one that people went to with emotional problems or physical ailments. For cramps, I handed over Advil Migraine in the green gel-cap form. For emotional problems or issues of the heart I diagnosed a place on my bed and my Hello Kitty pillow pal that everyone loved to hug as well as my ever-present ear to listen to whatever was wrong. And I'd offer advice as best as I could, being supportive and everything that someone with a problem could want.
So you see, I'm really not a bad person. I'm probably one of the best people you'll ever meet. And no, I'm not flattering myself. I'm only telling what nearly everyone that's met me seems to believe. For some reason the world has the mental image that I'm a perfectly wonderful little angel, sent down from Heaven to make life easier on everyone whose life I touch.
I know, doesn't it just make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside?
There goes another one of my damned tangents again. Apologies, I'm sure. Now, back to my brilliant idea.
Really, it felt like pure genius. The simplicity of the idea didn't follow with the actions I wanted to take, though, and because of that I felt a moment of discouragement, wondering for a fleeting second if perhaps it wasn't really that good of an idea, if maybe I should just stop and let things take their natural course.
That notion lasted, literally, less than a second.
Jade had always told me she prided herself on having the utmost control over everything, being the puppet master (yes, she literally called herself that) pulling the strings of everyone that she knew, twisting and turning them to her will. And because of this, she envisioned herself the cause of everything that happened. It was all entirely Jade's game, and she loved admitting to that. It was the greatest thrill for her, controlling and then ruining the lives of other people.
But I doubt Jade took the time to realize that she was truly responsible for the consequences of all of her actions. That everything she did was in fact connected to her and everyone else involved, and as a result of that she was the reason for every single outcome that took place. Not just the ones that worked into her favor, but the unfavorable ones as well. Every single thing that she coordinated, she was responsible for. And every end result was created by her hand.
So therefore, by that reasoning, Jade will be responsible for everything that happens. I will have no guilt on my conscience, nor on my heart. Because I did not do what led up to all of this. No, it was entirely her doing. Maybe it was that thought that made me able to realize I could go through with the thoughts that had been coming to my mind. The mental images became far more vivid and vibrant, actually putting a smile on my face, and it was actually with that in mind that I sat up, crossing my legs to rest beneath me as I sat back on my heels.
It was all so clear.
I had to kill Jade.
Then again, Jade and I never had anything that could remotely fall into the category of a relationship. The girl took and took and never gave anything in return, and I endured it because I was too much of a lovesick moron to figure out what was going on. That tends to be the case with love, but Jade took things to a new level. She didn't believe in being anything less than the best.
To go into everything that happened over the course of the two years before my 'awakening' as it were would take longer than the rest of what happened, giving us a movie roughly as long as James Cameron's beloved Titanic, if not pushing to be a bit longer. And this is if the entire thing is modified for the silver screen. In books, no one cuts corners. So you're looking then at a volume about the size of Stephen King's The Stand. The unabridged version. So I'm not going to waste that much of your time. Instead, I'll condense.
Jade met me, Jade seduced me. I fell in love with Jade. Jade had another girlfriend, Amanda, and a past love, Charlotte, who suddenly came back into the picture, presenting a relatively nasty problem for Jade who couldn't make up her mind. Jade and I fought, Jade got back together with Charlotte while still dating Amanda, I walked away for a span of time. Emotions got the better of me, Jade and I patched things up, Jade was still dating both Charlotte and Amanda while professing feelings for me and seducing Sarah, who at the time was my best friend.
Sarah falls in love with Jade, Jade tells me that Sarah doesn't mean anything to her and only falls into the category of one of her fuck-them-and-leave-them girls, which can last anywhere from thirty minutes to twelve weeks, depending on Jade's attention span, which really isn't that great for the most part. In the meantime Jade and Amanda break up, Jade continues dating Charlotte, and begins dating Sarah. Of course neither Charlotte nor Sarah know about each other, each believing Jade is in love with them and them alone. Charlotte hated me because of what I felt for Jade, Sarah grew to hate me for the same reason. Jade promised both of them that she would never speak to me again.
'Never speaking to me again' lasted about ten minutes.
Jade and I started our own secret little affair of sorts, devoid of the romance at most times but filled with all of the secrecy. She confided in me the details of both relationships with Charlotte and Sarah because evidently she had no one else to go to, and I clenched my teeth because it killed me to hear the person I was in love with go on about being in love with two other people that weren't me.
This continued for quite some time, and still is to this present moment. Jade falls in and out of love with Charlotte and Sarah respectively, while still remaining in relationships with both of them, unwilling to let either go.
Where do I fit into this equation?
Somewhere along the line, Jade decided that I belonged to her. I'm not talking about a romantic sense, either. I'm referring to as a possession, more of a pet than a person, someone to be there whenever she wanted them and to be quiet and out of sight when she was otherwise occupied. I wasn't allowed to have a life of my own, by Jade's standards. I had to remain entirely tied to her, regardless of what was going on elsewhere. I knew by Jade's words that she and I would never be together as I wanted, but she wasn't willing to let her grip loosen on me so I could pursue a life of happiness without her. She wanted me directly at her side, without any breathing room whatsoever.
For awhile this was romantic. It lost its appeal when I realized just how much Jade cared.
She didn't.
Not at all. Jade couldn't care less about me, what happened to me, or what I was feeling. She only called to drop her worries on my back, or to tell me of which wonderful thing Charlotte or Sarah said last. When I needed her she wasn't there, when I wanted her I was told I was insane, and I realized how little love there was on her side of things. There wasn't any.
Now understand that I'm a very patient person. I'll give someone that I love the moon and stars and ask if they want the sun to go with them. Jade was that and then some. I moved Heaven and Earth alike for her, dropped whatever I was doing when she needed me, and basically did whatever she asked whenever she asked, without question. And we're talking about some messed up shit here. Shit that I'm not going to put down into text for fear it might get out to someone that doesn't need to read it.
Jade's going to be furious at me for writing this at all. At least I can soften the blow a bit.
Somewhere in the middle of all of this, Jade took it upon herself to tell me that she'd been lying to me for the past two years about loving or caring for me at all. She said she did care, but only said she loved me so it would hurt me more later on. Of course as she was saying this it wasn't out of hurt, but rather out of her attempt at repentance. Or so she said. You can't really trust a liar, you know. Ever. Once they've lied to you once, it's so easy for them to do it again. And Jade loved lying to me.
Of course that didn't stop me from being there for her. If anything I tolerated more than I had before, trying to make myself believe in what Jade was saying, that she did care and always had, that things just continually went wrong, that she never meant to hurt me. The typical bullshit that comes from caring too much about a person that really doesn't care about you. But of course you're too much in love to know that, right? You're too wrapped up in whatever you're feeling to realize you're feeling it alone – that whoever you're feeling it for really doesn't give a damn whether you breathe or die. Or if they do care, then it's only for their own sadistic pleasure. They don't care about you, only the pain that you're feeling.
In short, I was in the process of coming to the conclusion that Jade didn't care about me at all. And that wasn't something I wanted to think on for very long.
It took nights of crying, taking pills, cutting, and curling up in the laps of trusted friends before I realized what was really going on. And in fact it took one late night phone call from Jade herself to set me over the edge. The straw that finally broke my back. Thankfully, I'm not a camel.
What was said in the phone call doesn't really matter now. I'm leaving a lot of details out for respect to privacy (yes, I still have that for Jade, despite everything), but I'll just say that it was the end of my rope. Something inside of me snapped at the realization that Jade was leaving in May to fly to see Sarah when she'd been promising me for months that she'd be with me at the end of May.
Oops. Looks like I let the cat out of the bag. Oh, well.
At any rate, that was the end of the line for me. Something inside of me snapped, and I felt every little ounce of anger that had been brewing inside of me boil over.
And freeze.
The Phantom of the Opera had become a newfound addiction for me over the past few days, and one quote rang its way through my mind at that point.
"The tears I might have shed for your dark fate grow cold and turn to tears of hate."
Nothing ever fit as well as that did in that one moment. I near to felt nothing but hatred then, hatred for the girl that had made me love her, only to reveal to me that she never cared in the first place. She enjoyed telling me that, why shouldn't I believe it? It was about time that I realized something was wrong here, and it was time for me to do something about it.
I spent the rest of that night not sleeping, only staring at the ceiling of my dorm room in complete and utter insomnia. Anj was asleep across the room, and I envied her ability to tune things out in order to get rest. I was the type never able to put something out of my mind long enough to do anything beneficial for myself, thus why I spent that night and morning lost in thought of Jade fucking Sarah's brains out and enjoying every damned minute of it. More than once I was ill from the thought, physically ill, and fell out of bed in an attempt to make it to the bathroom before I was sick. Thankfully, I succeeded all of those times.
Morning came, and with that my realization as to what I had to do. Thus, why the introduction to this entire story said everything that it did. It was the only way that this entire spiel could make sense. Setting the stage, you know.
So I spent the time after writing the introduction to this tale sprawled on my back on my bed, again staring at the ceiling. Over and over I'd dissected this situation, trying to figure out ways around it, ways to stop Jade and Sarah from ever meeting, ways of trying to make Jade fall in love with me again, if she ever had been in the first place, ways to make myself into a femme fatale that couldn't be resisted. All of those insane dreams that everyone has at one point or another. And just like everyone else with those same thoughts, I was coming up with nothing. A big blank. I was a nineteen year-old college student with posters on my walls and Everlasting Gobstoppers next to my computer – what was I going to do about it?
It's frightening how the best ideas sound like the most insane. I'm not insane, I promise. Nor was I ever. In fact, I was probably among the most sane of my friends. I was the resident medic and psychologist, always the one that people went to with emotional problems or physical ailments. For cramps, I handed over Advil Migraine in the green gel-cap form. For emotional problems or issues of the heart I diagnosed a place on my bed and my Hello Kitty pillow pal that everyone loved to hug as well as my ever-present ear to listen to whatever was wrong. And I'd offer advice as best as I could, being supportive and everything that someone with a problem could want.
So you see, I'm really not a bad person. I'm probably one of the best people you'll ever meet. And no, I'm not flattering myself. I'm only telling what nearly everyone that's met me seems to believe. For some reason the world has the mental image that I'm a perfectly wonderful little angel, sent down from Heaven to make life easier on everyone whose life I touch.
I know, doesn't it just make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside?
There goes another one of my damned tangents again. Apologies, I'm sure. Now, back to my brilliant idea.
Really, it felt like pure genius. The simplicity of the idea didn't follow with the actions I wanted to take, though, and because of that I felt a moment of discouragement, wondering for a fleeting second if perhaps it wasn't really that good of an idea, if maybe I should just stop and let things take their natural course.
That notion lasted, literally, less than a second.
Jade had always told me she prided herself on having the utmost control over everything, being the puppet master (yes, she literally called herself that) pulling the strings of everyone that she knew, twisting and turning them to her will. And because of this, she envisioned herself the cause of everything that happened. It was all entirely Jade's game, and she loved admitting to that. It was the greatest thrill for her, controlling and then ruining the lives of other people.
But I doubt Jade took the time to realize that she was truly responsible for the consequences of all of her actions. That everything she did was in fact connected to her and everyone else involved, and as a result of that she was the reason for every single outcome that took place. Not just the ones that worked into her favor, but the unfavorable ones as well. Every single thing that she coordinated, she was responsible for. And every end result was created by her hand.
So therefore, by that reasoning, Jade will be responsible for everything that happens. I will have no guilt on my conscience, nor on my heart. Because I did not do what led up to all of this. No, it was entirely her doing. Maybe it was that thought that made me able to realize I could go through with the thoughts that had been coming to my mind. The mental images became far more vivid and vibrant, actually putting a smile on my face, and it was actually with that in mind that I sat up, crossing my legs to rest beneath me as I sat back on my heels.
It was all so clear.
I had to kill Jade.
