Disclaimer: Not mine. I'm not worth suing.
Author: Catgurl83
Title: Shocking News (6\?) Chapter title: Feelings
Feedback: Much loved. It really does help me think. My e-mail address is catgurl83@yahoo.com
Rating: G
Author's notes: I just started a 7th Heaven fan fiction group at Yahoo groups. My fanfics will be posted there first. Others are welcome to post there too. There will also be polls and eventually chats. The address is http:\\groups.yahoo.com\group\7th__heaven_group.
The web site I used for medical info is mentioned in A \ N for chap 2. Oh, and fair warning, this is an emotional chapter.
Thanks to Kimberly for beta reading this for me!
**********
Ruthie's POV
I began chemo today. It is exhausting. I feel absolutely awful.
If I feel this bad now, how am I going to feel when they do radiation, too? They'll do radiation once a bone marrow donor is found. I guess they have to make me really sick in order to make me better. I hope a bone marrow match is found soon. I don't know how much more of this I can take.
Everyone is acting so different. Simon and the twins still haven't come to see me. I think they are scared to be around me. I don't blame them; they don't know what they'll find when they come here.
Mom and Dad spend a lot of time here. They both act so cheerful, almost as if I'm not sick. They won't let me talk about dying. It is like they think that if I mention it, it will come true.
Lucy on the other hand acts like she really wants me to talk about it. She pushes me to tell her how I'm feeling. I just can't. There is no way I could put all of my feelings and thoughts into words. And if I could, they wouldn't understand. No one would understand unless they'd been through this.
Kevin comes with Lucy sometimes but he doesn't say much. Sometimes he'll bring a game and play with me. I wish the others would do that. It is so much easier to just play checkers and ignore everything that is going on.
Matt and Sarah know how bad this is. They don't say so but I know that they know. Matt always reads my chart and then he gets this far off look in his eyes for a while. Sarah tries to cheer me up by telling me stories about Charlie. I try to smile and act interested but it is difficult. It is hard to concentrate on anything but how sick I am.
The Colonel and Ruth don't know what to say or how to act. They want to help me but they don't know how. They are always really uncomfortable when they come here. And they never stay long.
Amazingly, Mary is taking this the best of anyone in the family. She seems so much more mature then before. She is taking care of the twins most of the time now. She comes to see me everyday and makes Mom and Dad leave for a little while. She doesn't push me to talk but I know that if I want to she'll listen.
I know that all of them got tested to see if they are matches, as did Aunt Julie, Uncle Hank, Chandler, and Roxanne. We are all hoping and praying that we find out the results soon and that one of them is a match for me.
I don't know what will happen if none of them is a match for me. I know that there is a national registry but so many people go to them for a match each year and so many of those people end up disappointed. Even if they do find you a match, it can take months. I don't have months. If I don't get a bone marrow donor soon, I'll die.
I know that I am spiritually ready to die but death still scares me. There is so much that we don't know about it. Would it be quick? Or would it take forever? Would it hurt? Would I know what was happening? Or would all awareness fade until I was just a shell and then stopped breathing?
I'm worried about what would happen to my family if I died. It would devastate them all. I think Lucy would get through it with Kevin's love and support. Sarah would help Matt in the same way. Mary would be fine. But Simon.
Simon worries me. He has already withdrawn so much. He would probably withdraw even more if I died. If he bottled up all of his feelings inside of him, his pain would fester and grow. He could make himself really sick, emotionally.
Would the twins remember me? How much would they remember? Would they worry that they would get sick too? If I died would they be even more confused then, I'm sure, they already are?
I worry about my Dad a lot. He pulled back from the church and his beliefs when he got so sick with his heart. Thank God he eventually came to his senses. But if I died would that happen again? Would he blame God?
My death would hurt my Mom. It would destroy her but I think that she would eventually bounce back because she is a mother. As a mother she loves all of her children. Her love for the twins would make her get better because they would need her.
On a sudden impulse, I grab a stack of paper from the table by my bed. I find a pen and start writing.
Dear Daddy,
If you are reading this, I am gone. I really don't know why I am
writing this. I guess it is because there are some things I need
to say to you. I can't say those things to you when you come see
me in the hospital because you don't want to listen. I'm just
hoping that you read this.
First, let me say how much I love you. I love you and Mom so much.
I hated watching you watch me die. I hated watching how much it
hurt you.
We have always been so close. I've always felt like I could tell
you anything. Until I got sick, that is. I know you didn't mean to
shut me out. You were just trying to block some of the pain.
But now I have to tell you. Even now, writing this letter, I'm
pretty sure I'm going to die. I've known that since I was
diagnosed. I want to live but I know what my chances are. I know
what you are all trying to keep me from finding out.
I know that my death will be hard on you. It will be hard on all
of you. But I want you to stay strong. There are two things I want
you to do for me. These are the last two things I'll ever ask you
to do.
I want you to take care of the twins. You were an awesome father
to me. I don't want you to allow your pain to keep you from being
as good with the twins. They are especially going to need you
while they deal with my death.
The other thing I want you to do for me is rely on God. Don't
allow this to drive a wedge between you and Him. You need Him. We
all need Him, even people that don't think they do.
Thank you Daddy. For everything.
I love you,
Ruthie.
Ruthie felt the tears fall as she carefully folded the letter and tucked it into the top drawer of the stand next to her.
Dear Matt,
You were probably surprised when you found out about these
letters. I had to write them. I don't know why. I just did.
I want you to know what a great big brother you were and are. I
know that all of us complained at times, especially Mary and Lucy
but all of us loved you for being so bossy and protective. We
realized that that was just your way of showing how much you love
us.
I was very happy for you when you married Sarah. She is awesome.
We all think so now. I know that some of the others were kind of
reluctant at first because she is Jewish but as they got to know
her their reluctance fled. We all love her now.
Give Charlie a kiss for me and tell her that Aunt Ruthie loved her
and will be watching out for her from Heaven.
I love you,
Ruthie
Ruthie put that letter with the other one.
Dear Mary,
I know you aren't shocked like the others are as you read this.
You are the only one that knew about these letters. I want to
thank you again for agreeing to take these and hand them out when
and if I died. (I haven't talked to you yet as I am writing this,
but I know you'll agree.)
I want to thank you for helping us all so much. I didn't expect
it, and I know Mom and Dad didn't either. But you realized how
much we'd all need you during the months that I was sick.
Mom and Dad are really going to need you now, too. This is going
to be so tough for them, for all of you. You are all going to need
each other so much now.
I wish I wasn't going to die but I know how much chance there is
that I will. I know that I am so sick that even if a marrow donor
is found I might reject the marrow. If someone from the family is
my marrow donor and I die after I get the marrow make sure they
know it isn't their fault and that I don't blame them.
Thank you Mary. I love you.
Ruthie
Ruthie added the letter to the growing pile.
Dear Mom,
I know how hard it will be for you to read this. But please read
it for me.
I want you to know that I love you Mommy. I haven't called you
that in years but for some reason, it seems right that I call you
that now. I have to call you that now.
Thank you for being so strong when I was so sick. I know how hard
it was for you. Some times I could see the unshed tears in your
eyes. I know how much you needed to cry but you knew it would
upset me so you held the tears back. Thank you.
You were and are a wonderful mother. I don't think I could have
had a better mother. I was always so grateful for you when I'd see
some of the kids Dad helped, with their dysfunctional families.
I love you Mommy,
Ruthie
Ruthie's whole face was soaked in tears now.
Dear Lucy,
I am writing to say goodbye. I guess it is just easier to write
then to say it in person and listen to you argue.
You have always been a good sister to me. I know you will be a
great minister. You care about everyone and everything. You are an
awesome person Luce.
I know that I probably hurt your feelings when I refused to talk
to you, but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't talk to anybody; it
was just too painful. Besides, I knew how much it hurt all of you
when I'd talk about dying. I didn't want to hurt any of you more
then you were already going to be hurt when I died.
Take care of Mom and Dad for me.
I love you,
Ruthie
Ruthie took a deep, calming breath before starting her next letter.
Dear Simon,
As I write this, I don't know if I ever got a chance to see you
before I died. I hope so. I need to be able to tell you how much I
loved you and that you were a great older brother. I was always so
much closer to you then to the others. You were always wonderful
with me. You never lost patience, even when I'd be a pesky kid
following you around.
I know how upset you were when I told you how sick I was. I didn't
want to hurt you but I had no choice. I had to tell you what was
going on with me.
I know that you thought, and might still think, that withdrawing
from everyone will make it easier. That pushing out the pain will
make it go away. It won't. It will just make it grow to
unmanageable proportions. Don't let that happen. You don't have to
talk to Mom, Dad, or Lucy if you don't want to, but please talk to
someone.
As my last request to you, I am asking you to please let someone
help you.
I love you so much Simon,
Ruthie
Ruthie put the letter away and started her last letter.
Dear Sam and David,
I know that you don't understand this. I don't really understand
it myself. But I'll try to explain it to you.
Sometimes something bad happens. All bad things have a reason for
happening though. We just don't always know the reason. I don't
know why this happened but I know that there was a reason. I'll
probably never know the reason but you two might eventually find
out.
I don't want you to be scared for me. I am in a better place now.
I am looking down on you. It is okay to cry but don't cry too
much. Just remember that I can't hurt anymore now.
If you have any questions, you can ask Mom or Dad. They really are
good parents. They know the answers to most things, or they know
how to find the answers.
I love you both so much. I really wanted you to be born. I didn't
want to be the youngest child. I always loved helping take care of
you.
Be good for me.
Ruthie
She put the last letter away and viscously swiped at the tears on her face. "Why did this have to hurt so much?" she wondered.
Author: Catgurl83
Title: Shocking News (6\?) Chapter title: Feelings
Feedback: Much loved. It really does help me think. My e-mail address is catgurl83@yahoo.com
Rating: G
Author's notes: I just started a 7th Heaven fan fiction group at Yahoo groups. My fanfics will be posted there first. Others are welcome to post there too. There will also be polls and eventually chats. The address is http:\\groups.yahoo.com\group\7th__heaven_group.
The web site I used for medical info is mentioned in A \ N for chap 2. Oh, and fair warning, this is an emotional chapter.
Thanks to Kimberly for beta reading this for me!
**********
Ruthie's POV
I began chemo today. It is exhausting. I feel absolutely awful.
If I feel this bad now, how am I going to feel when they do radiation, too? They'll do radiation once a bone marrow donor is found. I guess they have to make me really sick in order to make me better. I hope a bone marrow match is found soon. I don't know how much more of this I can take.
Everyone is acting so different. Simon and the twins still haven't come to see me. I think they are scared to be around me. I don't blame them; they don't know what they'll find when they come here.
Mom and Dad spend a lot of time here. They both act so cheerful, almost as if I'm not sick. They won't let me talk about dying. It is like they think that if I mention it, it will come true.
Lucy on the other hand acts like she really wants me to talk about it. She pushes me to tell her how I'm feeling. I just can't. There is no way I could put all of my feelings and thoughts into words. And if I could, they wouldn't understand. No one would understand unless they'd been through this.
Kevin comes with Lucy sometimes but he doesn't say much. Sometimes he'll bring a game and play with me. I wish the others would do that. It is so much easier to just play checkers and ignore everything that is going on.
Matt and Sarah know how bad this is. They don't say so but I know that they know. Matt always reads my chart and then he gets this far off look in his eyes for a while. Sarah tries to cheer me up by telling me stories about Charlie. I try to smile and act interested but it is difficult. It is hard to concentrate on anything but how sick I am.
The Colonel and Ruth don't know what to say or how to act. They want to help me but they don't know how. They are always really uncomfortable when they come here. And they never stay long.
Amazingly, Mary is taking this the best of anyone in the family. She seems so much more mature then before. She is taking care of the twins most of the time now. She comes to see me everyday and makes Mom and Dad leave for a little while. She doesn't push me to talk but I know that if I want to she'll listen.
I know that all of them got tested to see if they are matches, as did Aunt Julie, Uncle Hank, Chandler, and Roxanne. We are all hoping and praying that we find out the results soon and that one of them is a match for me.
I don't know what will happen if none of them is a match for me. I know that there is a national registry but so many people go to them for a match each year and so many of those people end up disappointed. Even if they do find you a match, it can take months. I don't have months. If I don't get a bone marrow donor soon, I'll die.
I know that I am spiritually ready to die but death still scares me. There is so much that we don't know about it. Would it be quick? Or would it take forever? Would it hurt? Would I know what was happening? Or would all awareness fade until I was just a shell and then stopped breathing?
I'm worried about what would happen to my family if I died. It would devastate them all. I think Lucy would get through it with Kevin's love and support. Sarah would help Matt in the same way. Mary would be fine. But Simon.
Simon worries me. He has already withdrawn so much. He would probably withdraw even more if I died. If he bottled up all of his feelings inside of him, his pain would fester and grow. He could make himself really sick, emotionally.
Would the twins remember me? How much would they remember? Would they worry that they would get sick too? If I died would they be even more confused then, I'm sure, they already are?
I worry about my Dad a lot. He pulled back from the church and his beliefs when he got so sick with his heart. Thank God he eventually came to his senses. But if I died would that happen again? Would he blame God?
My death would hurt my Mom. It would destroy her but I think that she would eventually bounce back because she is a mother. As a mother she loves all of her children. Her love for the twins would make her get better because they would need her.
On a sudden impulse, I grab a stack of paper from the table by my bed. I find a pen and start writing.
Dear Daddy,
If you are reading this, I am gone. I really don't know why I am
writing this. I guess it is because there are some things I need
to say to you. I can't say those things to you when you come see
me in the hospital because you don't want to listen. I'm just
hoping that you read this.
First, let me say how much I love you. I love you and Mom so much.
I hated watching you watch me die. I hated watching how much it
hurt you.
We have always been so close. I've always felt like I could tell
you anything. Until I got sick, that is. I know you didn't mean to
shut me out. You were just trying to block some of the pain.
But now I have to tell you. Even now, writing this letter, I'm
pretty sure I'm going to die. I've known that since I was
diagnosed. I want to live but I know what my chances are. I know
what you are all trying to keep me from finding out.
I know that my death will be hard on you. It will be hard on all
of you. But I want you to stay strong. There are two things I want
you to do for me. These are the last two things I'll ever ask you
to do.
I want you to take care of the twins. You were an awesome father
to me. I don't want you to allow your pain to keep you from being
as good with the twins. They are especially going to need you
while they deal with my death.
The other thing I want you to do for me is rely on God. Don't
allow this to drive a wedge between you and Him. You need Him. We
all need Him, even people that don't think they do.
Thank you Daddy. For everything.
I love you,
Ruthie.
Ruthie felt the tears fall as she carefully folded the letter and tucked it into the top drawer of the stand next to her.
Dear Matt,
You were probably surprised when you found out about these
letters. I had to write them. I don't know why. I just did.
I want you to know what a great big brother you were and are. I
know that all of us complained at times, especially Mary and Lucy
but all of us loved you for being so bossy and protective. We
realized that that was just your way of showing how much you love
us.
I was very happy for you when you married Sarah. She is awesome.
We all think so now. I know that some of the others were kind of
reluctant at first because she is Jewish but as they got to know
her their reluctance fled. We all love her now.
Give Charlie a kiss for me and tell her that Aunt Ruthie loved her
and will be watching out for her from Heaven.
I love you,
Ruthie
Ruthie put that letter with the other one.
Dear Mary,
I know you aren't shocked like the others are as you read this.
You are the only one that knew about these letters. I want to
thank you again for agreeing to take these and hand them out when
and if I died. (I haven't talked to you yet as I am writing this,
but I know you'll agree.)
I want to thank you for helping us all so much. I didn't expect
it, and I know Mom and Dad didn't either. But you realized how
much we'd all need you during the months that I was sick.
Mom and Dad are really going to need you now, too. This is going
to be so tough for them, for all of you. You are all going to need
each other so much now.
I wish I wasn't going to die but I know how much chance there is
that I will. I know that I am so sick that even if a marrow donor
is found I might reject the marrow. If someone from the family is
my marrow donor and I die after I get the marrow make sure they
know it isn't their fault and that I don't blame them.
Thank you Mary. I love you.
Ruthie
Ruthie added the letter to the growing pile.
Dear Mom,
I know how hard it will be for you to read this. But please read
it for me.
I want you to know that I love you Mommy. I haven't called you
that in years but for some reason, it seems right that I call you
that now. I have to call you that now.
Thank you for being so strong when I was so sick. I know how hard
it was for you. Some times I could see the unshed tears in your
eyes. I know how much you needed to cry but you knew it would
upset me so you held the tears back. Thank you.
You were and are a wonderful mother. I don't think I could have
had a better mother. I was always so grateful for you when I'd see
some of the kids Dad helped, with their dysfunctional families.
I love you Mommy,
Ruthie
Ruthie's whole face was soaked in tears now.
Dear Lucy,
I am writing to say goodbye. I guess it is just easier to write
then to say it in person and listen to you argue.
You have always been a good sister to me. I know you will be a
great minister. You care about everyone and everything. You are an
awesome person Luce.
I know that I probably hurt your feelings when I refused to talk
to you, but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't talk to anybody; it
was just too painful. Besides, I knew how much it hurt all of you
when I'd talk about dying. I didn't want to hurt any of you more
then you were already going to be hurt when I died.
Take care of Mom and Dad for me.
I love you,
Ruthie
Ruthie took a deep, calming breath before starting her next letter.
Dear Simon,
As I write this, I don't know if I ever got a chance to see you
before I died. I hope so. I need to be able to tell you how much I
loved you and that you were a great older brother. I was always so
much closer to you then to the others. You were always wonderful
with me. You never lost patience, even when I'd be a pesky kid
following you around.
I know how upset you were when I told you how sick I was. I didn't
want to hurt you but I had no choice. I had to tell you what was
going on with me.
I know that you thought, and might still think, that withdrawing
from everyone will make it easier. That pushing out the pain will
make it go away. It won't. It will just make it grow to
unmanageable proportions. Don't let that happen. You don't have to
talk to Mom, Dad, or Lucy if you don't want to, but please talk to
someone.
As my last request to you, I am asking you to please let someone
help you.
I love you so much Simon,
Ruthie
Ruthie put the letter away and started her last letter.
Dear Sam and David,
I know that you don't understand this. I don't really understand
it myself. But I'll try to explain it to you.
Sometimes something bad happens. All bad things have a reason for
happening though. We just don't always know the reason. I don't
know why this happened but I know that there was a reason. I'll
probably never know the reason but you two might eventually find
out.
I don't want you to be scared for me. I am in a better place now.
I am looking down on you. It is okay to cry but don't cry too
much. Just remember that I can't hurt anymore now.
If you have any questions, you can ask Mom or Dad. They really are
good parents. They know the answers to most things, or they know
how to find the answers.
I love you both so much. I really wanted you to be born. I didn't
want to be the youngest child. I always loved helping take care of
you.
Be good for me.
Ruthie
She put the last letter away and viscously swiped at the tears on her face. "Why did this have to hurt so much?" she wondered.
