Noir
By spheeris1
Pairing: Utena/Anthy [others implied]
Warnings/notes: See 'Teaser' & 'Ichi'
~~~
Anthy was a child…millions of years ago…a little girl in her brown leather shoes, faded purple dress and the sight of daylight dying over the mountains.
Her brother used to ride his horse for hours, picking her up and letting her sit up front…to pass under the low hanging trees, the fresh green of weeping willows.
The sound of hooves into soft grass and the breeze and crickets hidden in the weeds…it shall be forever imprinted in her mind…
~
Shiori felt herself pulled further and further from Ohtori.
The gate shut with a clap of thunder and rain poured down.
It soaked her clothes, it matted down her hair, it covered her icy skin.
Where are we going? Is she taking me away…or to somewhere else…?
'Don't you want to see it? Freedom is over there…just a moment away…'
So, Shiori walked along…she let this girl that was barely more than nine tug her along, a phantom of who she could have been had she tried to have more to life than agony and bitterness…
'This is the beginning of the end, you know…one step and you will be more than free, we shall both be free again…'
And it was the edge of the world itself.
Nothing. Only the swirl of clouds and fog below.
And a great pool of midnight up above.
Too beautiful for me, Shiori thought. Too grand and fine for me, Shiori knew.
But the little girl just smiled and patted her hand, murmuring kind words like a mother might…
'Let us both do what we came here to do…'
'Into the unknown…' Shiori whispered before taking that final step, her foot briefly touching upon weightless matter…then plummeting downward in a blur of cold air.
~
It was 1940.
And the war had not yet destroyed London.
All the bricks of red would crack just from time, all the concrete sidewalks would be bedmates to drunken men--not gray platforms raised upward to meet the sky, to shatter under a rain of fire.
Mikage remembers very little from that time…I read it in a book, it isn't real…
A bird died outside his window when he was five.
And his heart forged a battle within.
One side ached for the loss, how sad that life could so easily end.
The other thought how weak the bird must be, thus it should die…to make way for the much stronger.
His mother died. A long, long time ago…I was alone with my mind forever...
It was 1940.
And Mikage thought about running away.
Far away from a place that could fall apart and from people who could perish and from a world gone mad.
Instead…he just found the same things somewhere else.
Ohtori.
And revolution.
Tokiko and Mamiya.
Some nights, he cradles a picture of them…of how they used to be…and if his soul had not been so broken, he thinks he could have loved them.
…our time has finally dawned…
~
'We understand each other now I think.' Mikage says.
And Anthy says nothing.
The early morning air is cool and crisp. Dew hangs heavily on her roses…it falls to the ground in silence…
'We both want to break this cycle. We both thought there was something here…something worth living for…but it is not here…not here…' Mikage goes on.
And Anthy lets him.
She came here to free the others.
She came here to free Utena.
And she wonders if freedom will let her go as well…
Mikage charges forward, never one to plan his attacks or to give one time to figure his moves out. Anthy fights back, like her life is worth gold…she fights back with every breath in her body.
'Why can't you see!?' Mikage screams out, slamming his blade down with more strength than Anthy gave him credit for.
'Death is the only way. For you…for Tenjou Utena…I can make this world stop spinning! I can make the stars fall from the sky! I can reinvent the past!'
Anthy swings out and lets the hilt crash into his jaw.
Mikage staggers back and feels blood gather in his mouth, coating his teeth.
But he does not stop.
He cannot stop.
This world drove him crazy once…never again…never again…never again…
~
Utena got up slowly from her coffin.
Her Prince was sitting outside and beckoned her closer.
He pointed to the distance…to a shining tower far away…
'What is it?' Utena asked in wonder.
And he just smiled, taking her hand and creating a map upon her palm.
Winding roads, each with name that seemed so familiar to her…
Touga.
Saionji.
Juri.
Shiori.
Miki.
Kozue.
Mikage.
Akio.
Anthy.
'Where do they lead?' Utena questioned once more.
And he pointed again to the tower in the distance.
Utena thought for a moment that maybe she knew this place…once upon a time…and something kept her there, kept her from her Prince…something made her want to be there more than here…
'But what could it be…?' Utena wondered aloud, her voice so soft.
Her Prince smiled gently and handed her a white rose, then a purple one.
~
Anthy tasted sweat on her lips.
It was not a bad taste. It was the taste of life.
…all life, all death, all of everything…
Mikage was trembling.
His fingers hurt, the grip on his sword was painfully tight…but not nearly enough physical pain to match the images dancing in his mind…
Tokiko's smile in the greenhouse…Mamiya's gentlemanly robe…white chalk on blackboards…an inferno of burning glass…a ring on his desk…a fast car…a black rose…
Anthy watched his eyes dull and thought this was her move, her chance, her only damn chance to end this…once and for all…to be free, to be free for the first time…
And so she ran, giving the last bit of her force into this sprint, blade raised high…and her rose fell off as she went…
White petals broke like china on the stone.
~
You both watch now.
You cannot look away…your heart is pounding like a drum and your fingers hold the edge of the bar like a life line…
The other you stops drinking, stops making wise-ass remarks, stops breathing entirely…
You hope for the best.
This is your love.
And no one knows what will happen if…if…
'I know you think…that I don't get it…but I do, I swear I do…' The other you says quietly.
But you can't answer.
You can't nod or try to understand or listen.
Because on the screen is your future - you reason for being alive…
~
She saw the birds first.
They flew overhead in a flutter of blue and yellow.
She could hear the flap of their wings…it was like the ripping of paper…
Then Anthy felt it.
A warm embrace from deep inside, then it slowly worked to the outside, caressing her skin and numbing her extremities.
For a second, Anthy saw Mikage--saw the wild look in his eyes, one of demented sadness--and then she let herself go.
She did not feel the ground against her back.
It could have been air.
She felt nothing.
Just her eyes, open and aware, watching the birds fly away…
~
It starts as a rumble at first. Too far away to be noticeable.
Then the glasses tremble, the screen turns to static.
The lights flicker.
The whole establishment begins to shake.
And the other you steps back slowly, sliding against the bar and to the wall.
The other you sits on the floor and covers their ears.
'Nonononononononononononononononono…………' You start off, tripping one denial after the other until your voice is no longer normal.
It is a roar. It is a yell. It is a wailing. It is the deafening terror of loss, a shrill and heartbroken banshee call.
And it tears the walls down.
The windows break open and the door splinters and all the lights go out.
Just like the eye of the storm…all becomes silent…and the other you slowly gets up, knowing with a gut full of dread that you are gone from this safe haven…
Gone to the world up above and the reality ahead.
~
Utena woke up from a long dream…and into her darkest nightmare.
She was once again at the dueling arena.
The sun had melted away the snow, the trees were returning to summer green at the speed of light. Birds sang in the sky.
And a beautiful rose of purple was in her hand, its petals falling down one…by…one…by…one…
Then it hit her.
It jabbed into her gut and twisted her insides, knotting her body up in a pain so deep and all-consuming that she fell to the ground…her knees getting scraped on the granite grooves…and then Utena looked ahead.
A purple rose, petals falling down…
'Anthy!!' She screamed out and it tore at her throat, the sound of misery--the reason for this excruciating agony that rendered Utena helpless.
So, she crawled.
Her nails chipped and her fingers bled.
Sweat ran down her forehead and burned into her eyes.
The world was so silent that only her heartbeat made a noise, thrumming in her ears like a rush of water.
…it's not too late, I'm not too late, please wake up, please stay with me, dear God, no…no…no…………
'Anthy…can you hear me? Please answer me…Anthy?' Utena wanted to scream and shake the girl, but it came out in a choked whisper.
Utena pushed long violet hair back and saw Anthy's eyes open, motionless and lifeless and dead.
'No…c'mon now, Anthy…wake up, please just…just hear me and come back to me…' Utena continued, pulling the body of her Princess closer, cradling it to her and rocking from side to side.
Anthy did not move.
'I am a doll, Utena-sama. I will do what you want me to. I am your flower.'
'No, not a doll…never a doll…you are free, Anthy…you can be whatever you want to be…' Utena murmured, gripping the girls still form tighter.
'I lied to you. I betrayed your trust and took advantage of your friendship. You should hate me.'
'I could never hate you…we both made mistakes, I know that now…I really do…I could no more hate you than hate myself…Please Anthy…just open your eyes and let me tell you…let me tell you…that I lov--'
But Utena froze slightly at the touch of a sharp point to the back of her neck.
A small chuckle wound its way to Utena's ears.
'Very moving. I know of these desperate feelings, I felt them once…a long time ago…but now, with you here, I can fix former mistakes. For good.' Mikage whispered brokenly.
Utena stared at Anthy's face then drifted her gaze downward, to the beautifully red bloom on the chest of her Princess.
How pretty the petals, spreading out…seeking more light, more warmth…just like its bearer…just like Anthy…
Utena let her tears fall, no use in stopping them.
And she bent forward, pressing her lips to the lips of her beloved--the only kiss they had ever shared as their true selves, without the past hanging onto them or the false lives created to shield them--one amazing moment of bliss…before the very end…of everything…
~
Anthy was singing as she walked.
And her brother walked with her, chiming in at certain moments…a perfect bass to her tenor…
It was so like their childhood that Anthy almost burst out into a fit of joyous laughter.
But no…this was not the past…it was different than before…
The sun too bright.
The air too hazy.
And she was older, much older. So was her brother.
No longer a little lithe Dios…but a man, full grown…
He smiled at her warmly.
'So you see.' He spoke.
'This is eternity.' Anthy smiled.
'A version of it anyway…you can do what you please here…'
Anthy ran ahead some, eager to breathe in the fresh and free air.
The strings had been cut.
No longer a marionette, no longer bound by a cruel fate.
She was free.
'It is all I wanted for you.' Her brother said softy, behind her suddenly.
Anthy spun around and laughed.
'And now I have it.'
But his smile did not reach his eyes, not truly. Anthy studied him and pulled his hand to her face.
'What do you see that makes you so sad?' She questioned.
'Your mind is free now, dearest sister. Free to think as you want…but you are also free to feel as you want…and your heart, it wants to be elsewhere.'
Anthy stepped back, fearful that she might be thrust back into that horrid world that held her for so long.
'I never want to see that place again! Never!' She shouted out but her brother caught her arm.
'Not that world, Anthy. The real world…the one filled with all the chances you did not get before…it is all yours to have and to enjoy…if you want. But you must let me know. You must tell me what you want to do--stay here with me or go back out to where another life awaits you…?'
~
Many times she had fought.
Even as a child--Utena was fighting.
Fighting to survive loss and fighting to overcome pain…until she realized that all she was fighting against was herself.
Some psychologists call it survivors guilt.
Why did she live and her parents die? Why could she not join them in the afterlife? Why must she go on living?
She fought to even take one step.
But, way back and years ago, it was that single step--of following Dios out of the coffin and to a little girl in shadow.
Utena understood Anthy.
They were so much alike…like Plato and his notion of soul-mates, a half of yourself is walking around Earth…your other half, the rest of your heart…and they are as miserable as you are.
Until you are whole once again.
Utena was unwittingly fighting for that, for her other half, for herself.
And in those days, she felt a sort of nobility--even when others tried to shatter it, even when she did not want to believe in it--it was there.
In Dios kissing away her tears.
In Anthy's wounded eyes.
In Utena's heart, beating deep within.
Only now…in this world, in this lifetime…all of Utena's nobility is fading.
Dios and his light cannot shine now, the sword feels all too right in her hand and Utena's eyes do not burn with the tears of being a weary savior…
They burn with malice.
~
Anthy walked away, silent in contemplation.
Go back…? To the 'real' world…?
She shook her head back and forth.
'There is nothing there my heart yearns for, brother. For so long…I have lived in Akio's world, lived in loneliness…if this is a version of eternity, then I want to stay here. With you.' Anthy smiled.
Dios would not let up though.
'Have you forgotten so quickly? Were you so eager to pass on from that life…that you have closed yourself off from all memory, all past emotions…?'
Anthy was starting to get upset and crossed her arms tightly.
'I remember pain. Lots and lots of pain. Nothing but pain…if that is the world, if that is all it offers to those of us who choose to live…I do not want it.'
And with that, she walked away.
Why did he say those things? What is his purpose?
'If I am free…why should I want to go back…?' Anthy asked aloud.
She sat down near the edge of a river, letting her feet dangle in the cool waters below. She laid back and shut her eyes.
It was peaceful here.
Quiet.
Perfect.
'It could use a little nightlife though, don't ya think?' A voice said from beside her and Anthy shot up, startled.
'Who are you?' she questioned, standing up and ready to bolt back to her brother.
'Just calm down…your brother sent me.' The person, who appeared to be a young woman…in a suit…, smiled.
'Who are you?' Anthy asked again, feeling a bit light-headed all of a sudden. She pressed her fingers to her forehead and tried to focus.
But the young woman's eyes…such a brilliant shade of blue…they were oddly distracting.
'I think your brother called me the, uh…what was it? Oh yea! 'The best way to remind Anthy of what her heart is trying to forget.''
Anthy swayed a bit and then felt faint, her eyes fluttering shut before she tipped backward.
Her last thought was of arms going around her and tugging her back up again.
~
…I am doing this for you…
Mikage repeated that over and over and over.
Sometimes in his own mind, sometimes out loud.
…I am changing the world for you…
But perhaps he was mistaken…it would not be the first time…
Who was he trying to save now?
Himself?
Or just the decrepit castle within his fading sanity?
Stone by stone, it began falling eons ago. And the poisonous vines took over, winding into every crevice of his mentality.
That was how Akio set up house so easily.
Mikage was ripe for domination.
…I will bring you back…
It was too late to bring Mikage back though. Much too late to save his soul or his mind or his heart.
Who was he bringing back?
A boy of sickness? A boy who was not real?
A girl he could have loved? A woman who cannot understand?
…I will stop time…
Could he really do that?
Turning back the clock, ripping the hours away…back to the moment he lit the fire and watched the building go up like it was made of matchsticks.
But to go even further back…his own time, when Mikage felt his world somehow shut down and become mechanical, to when he was an open wound--so very desperate to feel any emotion--and was but a broken toy, with strings much too simple to pull.
…I will be the one to get free…
And at what price this time?
What must be lost now to gain even a glance at freedom?
Mikage always knew, deep down, that his force was science.
His logic could outweigh any other weapon…then Akio stole his even that, said it was an illusion…
Mikage spent a lot of time in limbo till Ohtori pulled him back out again.
Pulled him up and spit him back out, to fend for himself in a land of make-believe.
This time, though, Mikage understood.
It went beyond logic. It went beyond science.
When you die, you finally understand…
…I can make all of you understand…
The others had to be gone. Insignificant players had to be eliminated.
Mind…And so he let his mortal soul go.
Body…And so Akio must perish.
Soul…And so Anthy must then die.
Heart…And so must Utena join them.
All of this done by Mikage. This unreal realm--finally shut down.
And the power that resides here--it would be his.
To bend, to shape, to create, to form.
He would be like a God.
…I would feel once more…
But Mikage has been known to make mistakes.
It would not be the first time.
In his mind, Utena was docile or weak or a princess. She was no longer a knight. She was never a Prince. The world had crushed her and turned her inside-out.
She was the heart of Ohtori.
And the heart is always the first to break.
…I could feel life again…
A mistake. They happen. Much too often, they happen to even the most thought out plan or orchestrated plot. You underestimate the enemy. You feel superior.
Akio did that and Akio failed.
…How could I have not seen this…?
~
When Anthy awoke, she was not alone.
That woman was there…and Anthy thought, if only for a second, that they knew each other…
'That's because we do, sweetheart.' The woman smiled at her and then Anthy noticed she was being held. A little too closely.
Anthy pushed away and was not stopped.
'What are you talking about?'
The woman smiled and Anthy felt that dizzy feeling once more. She shut her eyes tightly and tried to force the feeling away.
'I am talking about you and I. I mean…well, there is a lot of us going around at the moment…but, at the end of the day, it is just you and me, Princess.' And the woman winked at her, her smile definitely of a…flirtatious nature.
Anthy stared at her. It was true--something inside was telling her that she did in fact know this woman…with blue eyes, with a sincere smile…
'Take off your hat.' Anthy whispered. The woman removed the fedora and long pink hair flowed out, spilling onto the woman's shoulders.
'You're…you're…' Anthy felt like the ground was spinning. Or she was spinning. She could not really tell anymore.
'It's on the tip of that beautiful tongue…say it and remember me…' The woman whispered to Anthy.
~
It wasn't that Utena could not stop.
She did not want to stop.
She wanted to cause anguish and agony.
She wanted, for the first and only time, to take someone's life.
And so she dueled like that.
This man…who invaded her dreams and urged her to sleep the sleep of the dead…he had taken the one thing she needed to live.
He had killed Anthy.
And so Utena would kill him.
Even revenge would not purge her of this fury though…it ran too deep and ran too strongly…it was engulfing her, it was becoming her.
Dios had felt like a burst of white-hot heat, a slow melting into the veins--a surge of pure power that faded at the dancing of opponents rose petals.
…he must pay, he must die…
But fury felt like a rising wave that never crashed, it was fire sparked by gasoline, it was a blind red rage…
Her arms never grew tired and her eyes never wavered.
Even when Mikage would connect his blade to her very body, Utena did not feel it.
She felt nothing but hate.
At Akio…your twisted brain created this place…
At the Student Council…your selfishness wounded her…
At Mikage…your megalomania drove the last sword into her…
And at herself, in the dress of a pathetic princess…you failed her, once again…
Utena would not stop, even as she had knocked his sword to the ground with a clatter and had him pinned to the wall of the arena.
She brought her sword up…the one Anthy had taken up to fight with while Utena drifted, her own heart-sword…and raised it above her head.
Then something stopped her.
Something hot was running down her face and blurring her vision…it took a moment for her to realize that she was crying.
Mikage did not move. He stayed against the sharp edge of the wall. But his mouth seemed to open without his consent and his voice wandered out.
'Why do you stop? This is your chance…to have it all…' He murmured.
Even death did not provide all answers.
Mikage had wanted to feel again. Mikage had wanted his heart back, like some kind of Tin Man who had foolishly thrown it away.
But Utena was crying, silent tears poured out of her eyes and made her cheeks wet. And she was looking at him…but not really…the fierce energy she had possessed mere seconds ago was slowly ebbing away.
Mikage watched her lower the sword and drop it to the ground.
And it broke apart. The blade cracked into pieces and dissolved like water, the hilt glimmered and then dimmed until it was no more.
Mikage looked at her once more, at her wide eyes shining with more sorrow than even he thought possible in a mortal…especially one who battles here…
'Why did you stop?' He asked again, to try and understand the final piece to this story. Whatever he had envisioned, it was not to be. This was the end of all things, the end of Ohtori, the end of the fantasy.
And he wanted to know what stayed her hand.
'Dios.' She whispered haltingly.
~
'It was my fault, in the end…'
'It was no one's fault. No one is to blame. You were all here, trying to live again or trying to find peace of mind…all choices made were of a free will.'
'But she is gone…she is dead…!'
'The world is big enough for those that want to find each other, Utena. The ones who went back…they will find this out all on their own, like it is supposed to be. And so will you…'
'I…don't see how…I don't want to live if she is gone…'
'Trust me. Trust yourself to make the right decisions. That is all it is to be a Prince you know…you just have to believe…'
~
It was 1940.
Mikage was five.
This time, though…he cried as the bird fell, as its wings cracked on impact to the window. This time…Mikage sobbed like a child.
'Why am I seeing this?' Mikage asked the man opposite him, who looked vaguely like Akio…sort of like Mamiya…but not, not the same at all.
'You wanted it back. I give it to you.'
And Mikage put his hand over his chest, feeling for the first time in so very long--his heart…and it was pounding…it was beating out staccato rhythms…
And he cried.
For the first time in a long time.
And this man held him close, stroked his hair, hummed in his ear.
'What will happen to me now…?' Mikage whispered.
'Eternity.'
~
The alarm went off and Utena reached out from beneath the blankets to slap at the snooze button.
A few more minutes wouldn't kill the world, now would it?
Instead, though, she hit the radio button and crappy morning deejays blared out.
'Geez…' she groaned, sitting up and stretching with a yawn.
She had not gotten in late. Nor did she go on some alcoholic bender.
Utena was just really tired this morning.
She didn't want to chug down the five or so cups of coffee to make it to the office, file some really boring cases and stare out the window at the downtown traffic.
But the phone rang and she answered it.
'Yo…' Utena mumbled, stumbling to her bathroom.
'Your ten o' clock is here, Utena.' Her secretary said. Utena could see the blue-haired girls smirk from here.
Utena gurgled some mouthwash and spit it out quickly.
'Tell them I am late then.'
'Fine. But I don't know how you can get many more cases being this lazy…' Then click. Utena tossed the phone to the bed and rummaged around her closet. All her cheap suits were brown. She should really think of getting some other colors someday…
And once dressed, Utena left her apartment, locking the door behind her.
Her car was in the parking garage…but she ignored it.
She decided to walk.
The day was crisp and the sun was bright and the sky was blue.
And for someone who was so damn tired, now she felt full of energy.
'They call it a skip to your step…' her inner voice chided. Utena comically frowned to herself.
Hell, she was acting as if she had gotten lucky or something!
But no perfume on the pillows, no woman in her bed…so it wasn't that…Utena was not really sure what it was…
So busy musing over her unexpected happy mood, Utena bumped into someone and sent their briefcase skidding out onto the sidewalk.
'It helps to look where you are going.' A woman deadpanned to Utena and the detective was ready to retort back…but the woman's face froze her for some reason.
A few seconds ticked by before Utena got her bearings back.
'Same could apply for you.'
The woman watched her close for a brief moment then shrugged lightly.
'I guess you are right. Sorry.' She said, picking her briefcase up and shaking her almost orange-colored curls out of her face before walking past Utena and further down the sidewalk.
Utena gazed after her, wondering if she had seen the woman around a club or something…maybe in a magazine…
Soon she was walking once more and reached her office. Her secretary smiled sarcastically as Utena walked in the door.
'All here and in one piece…I am impressed.'
And again, Utena felt an odd pause come over her…seeing this thin girl in her early twenties, sky blue hair in that sort of punk style, cherry red lipstick…before blinking several times to break out of the feeling.
'Take a picture. It'll last longer.' The secretary laughed before going back to the desk, picking up the latest issue of Cosmo.
'What is wrong with you…?' The inner voice questioned and Utena really had no clue. For a detective, she was feeling real dense today.
'Is the, uh, ten o' clock still here?' Utena asked, already turning the knob to her office door.
'Yep. She waited.' The secretary murmured.
So, Utena went in and started off with an apology to the woman's back.
'Real sorry about no being here on time. Another case I am involved in was keeping me…did my secretary offer you coffee, Miss…?'
'Himemiya. And yes she did, but I declined. Not too keen on the stuff actually.'
Utena smiled to herself as she fixed her first cup of liquid gold for the day.
'I can't go without it myself. But now, enough chit-chat, Miss Himemiya…what can I do for you?' And Utena sat down, seeing the woman's face for the first time.
And she felt the odd feeling again, the one she had felt all day…it was even a bit more pronounced this time…like a nagging and annoying jab to her ribs, like someone tapping her shoulder and saying, "is this a dream or what, buddy?"…
Utena let the feeling go and smiled her most charming smile, the one that said 'you-know-you-wanna-trust-me-baby doll' and leaned back in her chair.
The woman smiled at her and ever so slightly raised one eyebrow before starting in on her current plight that required the services of a P.I.
But Utena only half listened.
She was thinking that before this case was over, she and Miss Himemiya might get to know each other a little better…
~~~
THE END
