Chapter 26: Back Again
Sirius was pacing. He didn't know what to do. After his conversation with Caighlynne his mind had been a flurry of activity. He had sworn never to speak of what he had heard, and in almost any other circumstances that would be more than enough to convince him not to. But this time, this time it involved Harry, and that changed everything. Sirius didn't think logically when it came to his godson, he trusted to his instincts, and wherever Harry was concerned, his first instincts were always protect. Now they were in conflict and Sirius didn't have a clue what to do. One half of him wanted to tell Harry, so he would understand, and his grief could be lessened, but another half of him knew he couldn't, he had sworn not to, and he refused to go back on his word.
"Aargh!" he cried desperately as he whacked his head off of the nearest wall.
He regretted that choice almost immediately, because now, as well as
conflicting instincts, he had a throbbing pain in his skull, and was seeing white
spots dancing in front of Harry's face. Harry? Sirius blinked furiously,
clearing his vision to ensure he really was seeing his godson before him, great;
I'm experiencing a moral dilemma, and he chooses now to get out of the slump
and haul himself out of his room. Sirius sighed and bit back a grin seeing
the utterly baffled expression marring Harry's features.
"I guess this means that you didn't have much luck?" asked Harry, the faint sign of hope Sirius had barely noticed now fading from his gaze,
"Well, no, not exactly" replied Sirius, as he considered how best to explain the situation without revealing anything.
"You either did or you didn't Sirius, there's no need to try and make this easier or anything" Harry replied scathingly,
"It's just…the situation is a lot more complicated than you think Harry. Caighlynne told me something. Something she didn't really have a right to tell me, but it changes everything."
"What are you talking about?" demanded Harry impatiently,
"Something happened to Ali in the past that made her react so badly to what happened. I can't tell you what though; it's up to her to do that if she wants. All I can say is give it time, and be patient with her. This is hard for her."
"Hard for her?" Are you kidding me? She's the one that refuses to talk to me, she's the one that won't let me explain, how do you figure it's hard for her?"
"I…I can't tell you. You'll have to ask her."
"How can I do that if she won't bloody talk to me?!" Harry yelled, suddenly furious, clenching his fists so tightly that his nails cut into his skin. "Sirius I never meant or wanted to fall for her like this, I knew it would end in disaster, but I did…and now she won't even look at me! What did I do so wrong?"
"Nothing. You did nothing wrong. Someone else did, in Ali's past, and she has to deal with that again."
"But what happened to her? Who hurt her? Sirius you have to tell me! This is what's stopping her from talking to me; I have a right to know!" Harry pleaded desperately, "You have to"
Sirius looked at the desperation on his godson's face and his heart almost broke, then he remembered Caighlynne's pain at telling him, and how upset Ali would be to find out that he knew, and he knew he could not tell. "I can't" he whispered, hating having to say that.
"More like you won't" spat Harry as he turned and fled back towards his room, leaving a shocked and pained Sirius in his wake.
Harry hadn't meant to get so wound up over the whole incident. In fact he wasn't even aware why the whole thing was getting to him so damn much. Sure he cared about Ali, and sure he wanted to be with her; he didn't want her mad at him, but still, something told him he was over-reacting slightly. He hadn't even tried to explain to her, not really. It was just the way she looked at him; he'd seen people look more fondly upon their own vomit. And that hurt. More than he had ever imagined possible.
Harry settled himself into a chair in his room and let his thoughts wander. He had been focussing on the pain, wallowing in self-pity. His anger at Sirius had derailed those feelings for the time being though, and for the first time in a while he was able to think clearly. He had to find a way to solve the problem.
He considered several options, most of which were all but impossible and even more improbable. In the end he decided on the simple approach; to send her a letter. The more he thought about it, the more he realised how stupid he had been. How could he expect Ali to forgive him or want to see him if he didn't make any effort at all. He grabbed a quill and some parchment, and got to writing.
When he finished writing the letter he felt like a weight had been lifted from him, and as he watched Hedwig fly off into the night he could feel the beginnings of hope bubbling in his stomach. It was only then that he realised just how much he'd missed it, how much he depended on hope from day to day, it was what made him get out of bed in the mornings, the hope that the day would be worth-while, and though it wasn't always, the hope remained, and got him up the next again morning, ready to do it all again. When Ali looked at him the way she had, she stole his hope, because now, all he ever hoped for was her.
Looking around his room he realised what a mess he had allowed it to get into over the past few days and just how much he had to get ready for tomorrow. For the realisation had only just hit him, that it was time to go back to school. Harry was glad of the seemingly never-ending task of packing, delighting in the fact that he had something to take his mind off of Ali, and the letter. It was late before he finished, and just as he was putting the last few items into his trunk, Sirius came in to say goodnight. Harry ignored him. He knew it wasn't Sirius fault that he couldn't tell, but that didn't stop him feeling mad at him. Harry turned and climbed into bed, Sirius' smile faded and he shrugged as he left the room. He could understand how Harry was feeling, he may not like it, but he could understand it, so he left Harry alone with his thoughts.
Upon arrival back at school, any hope Harry had felt was violently torn from him. Ali wasn't talking to anyone, and for that matter neither was Ginny. Harry felt withdrawn from the tense and awkward group and there were so few students left at the school that there was no reprieve. It seemed that the continued increase in dark activities had scared people, not that Harry could blame them for being scared; he was scared too, more than he'd ever been in his life. Just a few days ago he had made the mistake of asking Sirius about a murder he'd heard about. After hearing exactly what the Death Eaters had done, to five year old children no less, Harry was more terrified than he'd ever been before. And that was only the Death Eaters, Voldemort's minions, he must be much worse himself. Until now Harry counted the scariest experiences of his life the times he had met Voldemort, now though, the prospect scared him more than it ever had, for this time he knew what to expect, knew what Voldemort was capable of, and it was so much worse than he could have imagined in his worst nightmares.
Classes were the most bearable times for Harry, because Ali and Ginny were a year younger he didn't have to see them then and so the atmosphere was a lot less tense. Though things weren't exactly normal though, because there were so few students left the timetables had been changed and classes consisted of whole year groups rather than the usual one or two houses. It was nice, in a way, to get the opportunity to talk to students he never usually saw, but at the same time there was horrible feeling attached to that as he remembered why they were in that situation. Many families had gone into hiding, or were missing, or were dead, it was getting to the stage where no-one could tell the difference. It pained Harry to think of that, that there were families, possibly people he knew, who were dead and no-one even realised. Voldemort's attacks had increased steadily over the holidays, on both Muggles and magic folk alike. The killings were completely random, and never peaceful, Harry had been experiencing nightmares about them, and at first thought it was Voldemort in his mind again. That fear was put to rest by Professor Danson though, when she tried to access his mind several times when he was asleep- with Harry's permission, of course- and found she couldn't get in. They also discussed the dreams and as they weren't specifically from Voldemort's perspective, and not always particularly detailed, it was pretty safe to assume that they were just normal nightmares.
The first few weeks back at school passed in a similar fashion, the corridors were deadly quiet, classes awkward, and focussing on the self-defence aspects of the subject. The Defence Club run by Professor Danson was now on twice a week, on a Tuesday and Friday, as everyone felt the need for more practice. Almost all the students remaining at the school were now in the D.A. excluding the majority of Slytherins, though there were a few, from the younger years mostly. That was something they had changed about the D.A., they were now allowing students of any age to enter, feeling that they should pass on what knowledge they had to the younger students who had been all but defenceless. Harry was bonding with a few of the first years quite well as he had chosen to work with them, Ron and Hermione were working with the second years, and Ginny and Neville – who had become quite competent in Defence after all his extra practice at the D.A. – were working with the third years who still needed some additional coaching. The first years Harry was working with were the same ones they had spoken to on the train, and every day he was impressed with their courage and determination to succeed. They were an extremely close-knit group, especially for one spread across all four houses, and were extremely loyal to one another, not to mention helpful. If one of them understood something better than the others they would work together until they all had it down. Harry was in awe of their resolve, thinking back to his time in first year, he doubted he would have worked so hard to learn. The first years didn't even wait for D.A. meetings, they sought Harry out at meal times and in the evenings, and though they could be tiresome at times, Harry didn't really mind, after all they only wanted to be able to protect themselves, how could he refuse them that? And that was why one evening, just as he was finishing dinner, he found himself being dragged from the Great Hall towards the room of requirement by Sarah and Jamie, the Griffindor twins, closely followed by the other eight. They were all chattering furiously, telling him about their classes that day; he had become something like an older brother to them, and so he was most surprised when they all fell silent at once. Harry looked up, to see what had silenced them and felt the hatred bubble in his stomach when he saw Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle.
"What do we have here?" questioned Malfoy, feigning innocence, "Potter and his band of followers? Where are we off to, hmm? Off to play a nice game of snap?"
"Shut it Malfoy" responded Harry shortly, "and get out of the way"
"Don't think I will" Malfoy replied smirking, "just because some first year Griffindors hero worship you, don't think that means you're king of the castle"
The first years from other houses puffed their chests indignantly, and Alicia, a Slytherin replied coolly, "only two of us are Griffindors actually"
Malfoy looked mildly surprised, "what're the rest of you Hufflepuff's? I suppose, you'd have to be to want to follow him around"
"Actually, I'm a Slytherin" Alicia replied with a smirk that Harry found creepily like Malfoy's.
Malfoy looked a little shocked and most definitely disgusted, "traitor" he hissed unpleasantly,
"Rather that than a stupid mimic who hangs on my fathers every word like a pathetic lap dog" she shot back proudly, and Harry grinned in delight, and resisted the urge to pick her up and hug her.
The look of fury distorting Malfoy's features though was not good, and Harry instinctively pushed himself in front of the group protectively. Before Harry had a chance to react Malfoy had his wand and hissed something that sounded most vile, sending a curse straight for Harry, without the time to do anything to save himself Harry clenched his eyes shut, bracing himself, ready for whatever hit him. After a few seconds without feeling anything though he opened his eyes and was shocked with what he saw; Ali was lying on the floor in front of him with some blue flames licking at her body, the first years already throwing their cloaks onto her to snuff the flames. Harry had never felt so angry in all his life, not even close, the rage was consuming him and taking over his mind, and when he looked up and saw Malfoy smirking, that was enough to push him over the edge. Forgetting he had a wand, forgetting he was a wizard, and that there was even such a thing as magic he threw himself as Malfoy with an animalistic growl that was enough to send Crabbe and Goyle stumbling away fearfully down the corridor. Malfoy looked horrified and Harry took sadistic pleasure in witnessing that look. Just as Harry landed his first punch though he felt himself being pulled away, and fought with all his strength, which seemed to have almost doubled in his fury, to get away.
Sirius though, for that was who had caught him, was too strong and thrust Harry to the floor wand drawn, "Harry, you have to calm down," but Harry was already scrambling to his feet, Sirius pushed him back. "I mean it Harry calm down, or I'll have to restrain you". Harry had never seen Sirius look so menacing, except perhaps for the first time he met him, that night in the shrieking shack that seemed like a lifetime ago and it was that look that forced his anger back into his mind, safely out of the way.
"Sirius…I…I'm okay, but Ali…what about Ali…what did he do to her?"
Sirius hadn't even noticed the girl lying on the ground surrounded by first years, until Harry had mentioned her, and immediately made his way over to her, to check she was okay. When he got there though, what he saw was not good, she was unconscious, and badly hurt, it looked almost like, no…surely it couldn't be…not the flavious curse? But students wouldn't know that…would they? Then he remembered who was present, Malfoy…of course Malfoy would know.
"Harry" he began urgently, "you need to get her to the hospital wing, now"
Harry looked deeply concerned and increasingly panicked, "is it serious?"
Sirius considered his answer for a moment, but soon decided on the honest answer, "yes…Harry…that curse can be fatal…now go…I have to take him" he shot a disgusted look at Malfoy, "to Snape…or perhaps this is more deserving of Dumbledore"
A steely resolve settled behind Harry's eyes as he made his way over to Ali, staring at Malfoy the whole time, "You had better hope she lives Malfoy" he said quietly, and creepily calmly, "else I won't be held responsible for what I do to you"
Draco seemed to understand the serious of that statement for as Harry gathered Ali into his arms and made for the hospital wing at a run, Draco swallowed nervously, and for a brief uncharacteristic moment allowed the fear to show on his face. Sirius didn't even attempt to hide his displeasure at Malfoy's behaviour and dragged him by the edge of his cloak along the corridor, Malfoy at first, looked as though he was about to comment, but after a glance at Sirius' expression thought better of it and stayed silent.
The first years glanced nervously at one another, what to do now?
"Maybe we should just go back to our common rooms?" suggested Calum, a Ravenclaw.
"Probably for the best" replied Sarah, "maybe we should tell Harry's friends?" she asked her brother
"Yeah" he agreed softly, as they said their goodbyes and went their separate ways. "Sarah?" he asked as the approached the Griffindor portrait hole, "were you scared then?"
"yeah" she replied quietly, "but mostly for Malfoy…I think Harry was going to tear him apart"
Jamie nodded his agreement, and continued quietly into the common room. When they got there Sarah and Jamie looked for any of the sixth years, and were relieved to find Ron and Hermione sitting on the couch. They knew Ron and Hermione best of all the older students – other than Harry- as they were Harry's best friends, "Umm…Ron…Hermione?" Sarah began, and they turned around looking a little surprised to see her there.
"Hey Sarah" replied Ron, "Didn't you go to practice with Harry?"
"Well that's what we're here about" continued Jamie, "see, we met Malfoy on the way there and he tired to curse Harry but a girl…Ali I think her name is, got in the way and she got really hurt…Harry's taken her to the hospital wing, we thought you'd like to know"
Hermione and Ron exchanged concerned glances and quickly got to their feet, "thank-you, both" Hermione replied, "now sorry to dash off but we really have to go and check on Harry…could you two find Ginny and tell her please?"
"She's you're little sister isn't she?" Sarah asked Ron, looking slightly nervous at the prospect of finding another older student,
"Yeah that's her" Ron replied with a kind smile, "We'd be ever so grateful if you found her"
"Okay" replied Jamie with a smile.
"Good" muttered Hermione as her and Ron rushed towards the portrait hole.
Harry doubted he'd ever run so quickly in all his life. Even with Ali in his arms, he ran as though he had Voldemort on his heels. There was still no sign of life from her and her skin was blotchy and cracked from the flames. To say he was worried would an understatement, Sirius had said this could be fatal…fatal. If she died he'd never forgive himself, never. He wasn't worth her life. Though at the same time, somewhere, deep within his subconscious, he couldn't help but be slightly pleased; after all, she couldn't possibly hate him if she would risk her life to save his. He barely acknowledged this thought though, as his mind was consumed with the task of getting her to the hospital wing, and when he finally reached those old doors, he'd never been so glad to see them. He practically fell through them and onto a bed, arranging Ali as delicately as his exhausted limbs could manage, he was relieved to find Madame Pomfrey at his side within seconds, "Mister Potter! What are you doing?" she began indignantly, obviously displeased at the disturbance to her wing, but quickly changed her tune when she caught sight of Ali. "What on earth happened to her?"
"Malfoy…cursed her…" Harry panted, and he momentarily panicked as he tried to remember what Sirius had called the curse, "the flavius curse or something I think"
"The flavious curse?" Pomfrey exclaimed, more distressed than Harry had ever seen her, as she bustled off to the cupboard to get some supplies. She came back with armfuls of potions, ointments and bandages, and a grim look on her face. "Potter, out, now!" she barked, and just as Harry was about to protest she sent him such a look that dissuaded him and he sulked out of the ward, and attempted to make himself comfortable on the floor outside. If she thought for a second that he was returning to his dormitory without knowing Ali was okay she was very much mistaken.
After a few minutes of silent contemplation Ron and Hermione rounded the corner looking very concerned, "Harry!" Hermione exclaimed, "What happened? Is she okay? Why are you out here? What's going on?" Harry smiled faintly at the exasperated look Ron was shooting Hermione.
"Got into a fight with Malfoy, he tried to curse me, Ali got in the way, Sirius
interfered, which is probably for the best…I think I might've killed Malfoy
else, but…the curse…it can be fatal…so I ran all the way here and Madam Pomfrey
is treating her now…she sent me out of the way."
Ron nodded taking all of it in, but Hermione was staring at Harry looking worried, "you didn't mean that Harry did you? You would've killed Malfoy?"
Harry looked at Hermione gravely, "yes, and if she dies I still might"
Hermione looked back at Harry warily, she had known Harry and his temper for years now, but never had she seen such a calm, emotionless display from him, "But Harry! You can't…you just…you can't!"
"Why not Hermione? He obviously had no trouble doing the same thing to me or her!" Harry demanded,
"For exactly that reason! You'll be no better than him…"she trailed off, as though considering whether to say more or not, "no better than Voldemort"
Harry looked at her, and then at Ron, who seemed to be experiencing conflicting opinions. "You agree with me, don't you Ron? I mean, imagine he murdered Hermione? You'd want to kill him wouldn't you?" Harry almost pleaded the last part, begging Ron to agree, to make it okay that he felt this way.
At the mention of Hermione being dead Ron's face hardened and he nodded solemnly, "If she dies Harry, he's going to wish he killed himself instead by the time we're through with him"
Hermione looked at them both in a new light, she knew this war was changing them but she'd had no idea how much. She'd heard them say they'd kill Malfoy in the past, of course, but this time, this was different, for this time they actually meant it, and that terrified her. She hated this war, she didn't want to hurt anyone much less kill them, but this conversation made her think of what she'd do if Harry or Ron was killed, and she was disgusted to admit to herself, that she'd kill whoever did it, and she'd probably take pleasure in doing so. This revelation about herself astounded and confused her. She looked back at them both, "and I'd do the same for either of you" she said quietly, "but doesn't that scare you? The fact that you know you could kill someone?"
"Every time I realise its true" replied Harry honestly, and Ron nodded along solemnly. Hermione pushed herself between them, in their position on the floor, "You're the best friends I could ever ask for" she said honestly as she put an arm around each of their shoulders, "I just wanted to make sure you know that, you know, in case anything happens"
"Nothing's going to happen to you Hermione" replied Harry seriously,
"No," agreed Ron, "We won't let it"
She smiled warmly at them both, letting her head fall comfortably onto Ron's shoulder as she squeezed Harry's shoulder appreciatively. "You guys are the best" she said genuinely.
"We are, aren't we?" replied Ron pompously with a laugh, lightening the atmosphere. Hermione and Harry joined in the laughter, and only stopped when they saw Sirius, Remus and Caighlynne walking towards them giving them odd looks, after all, this was hardly the time to be laughing. Immediately the laughter ceased and the atmosphere reverted back to awkward and tense.
"How is she?" asked Caighlynne at once,
"We don't know" replied Harry, "she was unconscious when I left, but Madam Pomfrey made me leave right away, so anything could've happened since then"
Caighlynne nodded, and made her way into the hospital wing, almost reluctant to go in, she didn't want to think about what could've happened. When she opened the door though, she almost collided with Madam Pomfrey who was on her way out.
"Ah, I thought you might be here," she said to Harry, then addressing everyone continued, "Ali is going to be fine, she is asleep right now, but I've given her potions for the pain, and have applied salve to her burnt skin. You would all be better to go off to bed or something, as there is no way she will wake again tonight and I do not need people cluttering up my infirmary!"
Harry looked distraught, "could I not just see her? Just for a few minutes…I just…I need to know she's okay"
Madam Pomfrey's gaze softened slightly at Harry's obvious pain, after seeing so much of him over the years she had developed something of a soft spot for him, "Okay a few minutes, but that's all" she turned to Caighlynne, "I assume you'll want a few minutes with her too?" Caighlynne nodded and her and Harry made their way inside.
Harry leaned over Ali's still peaceful form, relieved to see she looked much better than she had, "Ali, I'm sorry, you shouldn't have done that. What if you'd died? I'm not worth that. When you wake up you have to promise me you'll never risk your life for mine again. I don't want you to die for me"
Caighlynne looked at him sharply, "Don't say that again Harry" she said quietly,
"What?" Harry asked baffled,
"Don't be so ungrateful, she was willing to die for you and all you can do is say how stupid she was"
"I…I didn't mean it like that…it's just…I'm not worth saving…I'm not worth her life" he replied
"Maybe not" continued Caighlynne, "but to her you are, so just….respect
that okay?" Caighlynne knew Harry hadn't meant anything by his comments, but
she was upset and anxious and she needed to expel that somehow, "Sorry Harry, I
didn't mean to be so harsh, just…"
"I know" said Harry, he looked down at Ali again, "I've missed you" he whispered and he leant in and kissed her forehead gently, "I'll see you soon", he smiled weakly at Caighlynne and headed out, leaving her alone with her niece.
When he got outside he discovered that Sirius had gone, but Ron and Hermione had waited for him, and Remus waited for Caighlynne.
"You okay Harry?" Remus asked gently,
"Yeah, I'm fine" Harry replied with a faint smile,
Remus smiled encouragingly back at him, "She'll be fine, you'll see, they're fighters her family"
Harry smiled, and turned to go back to the common room with Ron and Hermione, "thanks Remus, I'll see you soon"
"See you" Remus called after them as they set off.
"How is she?" asked Hermione
"She's looking a lot better" Harry replied with a smile, "should be awake tomorrow, so we can go and see her then"
"Good" Ron replied, "Hey…I wonder what happened to Ginny?"
"Oh yes…I completely forgot about her with all that's going on…maybe Sarah and Jamie couldn't find her?" Hermione pondered
"Most likely" Ron replied, "She has been keeping to herself a bit this term hasn't she?"
Back in the common room there was still no sign of Ginny and conversation had turned, as it always seemed to these days, to Voldemort.
"I just wish we knew how to stop him" said Harry,
"Me too" added Ron wistfully,
"Well" said Hermione, "I've been researching a bit, and I have some ideas…but I
don't know if any of them would work, I've actually been considering talking to
a teacher about it, but I don't know who…and I don't want to seem like an
idiot"
"You should talk to Professor Danson" replied Harry enthusiastically, "she's trying to develop a spell to defeat him, with Snape…but she's really nice, she'll listen to you"
"Really?" asked Hermione eagerly, "because I have some ideas based on spells and things I've read but I don't know enough about the implementation etc to really know how to apply that knowledge into a spell"
"If you're serious about these ideas then you should tell her. She's always really nice to me at Occlumency lessons and stuff, and she'd definitely take you seriously"
"I think I will" replied Hermione thoughtfully,
"Are you gonna tell us about these great ideas of yours then?" asked Ron, interestedly,
"Well," replied Hermione, looking a little embarrassed, "I'd rather know if they were any good first"
Ron looked at her sceptically, but conceded, "Okay, fine, but you better tell us sometime"
"I will" she promised.
And that was why after Defence Against the Dark Arts the next again day Hermione found herself waiting behind to talk to Professor Danson.
"Professor, could I have a word?"
"Of course Hermione, what can I do for you?"
"Well, it's...um…Harry told me how you're trying to find a way to defeat Voldemort…and well, I've been researching the subject and have some ideas…but obviously I don't know nearly enough about magic to know if they'd work or not, but well, I just thought maybe you'd go through them with me…see if any of them can help. I know I'm just a student and they probably won't be any good..."
"Now Hermione, don't sell yourself short, you are a very intelligent witch and I would be delighted to look over your ideas with you. Maybe someone else's perspective on the problem is all I need. Unfortunately now is not a good time, you have another class and I have to go and visit Ali. How about you come back on Tuesday, before Defence Club?" Danson asked
"That would be great. Thank-you for listening professor" Hermione replied,
"Not at all, I'll see you tomorrow then?"
"Yes, tomorrow" and Hermione made to stand up and leave. Little did they know however that this action was mirrored outside the door, as Malfoy, who had been listening intently to the conversation moved away before he was discovered. So the mudblood thought she knew how to defeat the Dark Lord? Father will be interested in this development, very interested…
Dearest Readers,
I'm back! 'Eventually!' I hear you complain, well yes it has been a while (my god, it's been almost a month!!) and for that I apologise. I've been caught up in revision for my prelims, and my friend's birthday is approaching and I've been planning for that. As well as a good deal of other stuff that I doubt you're interested in. Well, this is the latest chapter, I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing this, I don't know why I liked it so much…though I do love my little first years. I think they're going to have to be more involved in the story. Awww…they're just so damn cute…in my mind anyway!
Yeah, so, anyway…my reviewers, I love you all, thank you so much!
Thanks to; jbfritz, phoenix marauder, Anna L. Black, velith, Athenakitty, and Vicv – I know it's unlikely that JK would use swearing, but then again, I'm not her! And as for the chaser/seeker debate, I don't think it actually says anywhere in any of the books which James was…If it does, I'd much appreciate you telling me as it would end any confusion!
Oooh! Lookie! Lookie! I made it past the 100 000 words stage! Wohoo!
Oh, I'd like to wish you all a happy valentines day!
