Chapter Nineteen

Haley awoke with a smile on her face. She'd had a really great dream. She and Nathan were married and their daughter was five years old. It was her first day of school and Nathan was trying to talk her into going. They had a son too. He was two and looked just like Nathan. It was the life Haley was starting to believe they could have. The feeling didn't last. She turned over and saw a note where Nathan was supposed to be. She picked it up, wondering what romantic gesture he had in mind for her. She wasn't prepared for what it actually contained.

"No!" She brought her hand to her mouth and shook her head, tears already forming in her eyes. "No." She read it again, and again but the words refused to change. They still said that he was gone.

***

"Ugh." Lucas groaned when his phone rang, awakening him from a peaceful sleep. It was the weekend. Why was anyone calling him this early.

"Hello."

"Lu.u.cas." Haley sobbed on the other end.

Lucas was instantly awake. "Haley?! Haley what's wrong?"

She mumbled something unintelligible.

"Never mind. I'll be right over. Are you at home?"

"Ye.ye.yes."

Ten minutes later Lucas pulled up to Haley's house. He let himself in and took the stairs two at a time. He found Haley on her bed, crying hysterically. He was instantly at her side.

"Hales, Hales what's wrong."

"Na.Na.Na.than. He.he.he."

"Hales, you need to take a deep breath and tell me what happened. Slowly."

She handed him the note. He read it and slammed his fist into the bed. "That bastard. I could kill him!" He took Haley in his arms and rocked her back and forth. "It'll be okay. Everything's going to be okay."

Half an hour later Haley was a little calmer, well, at least Lucas could understand her. He brought a cup of tea up to her. "Here, drink this."

She took it from him. "Thanks."

"So now that you can speak in complete sentences again, do you want to tell me what happened?"

"That's just it, I don't know. He helped me out at the restaurant then we came back here because my parents are out of town. We were both really tired so we just told each other I love you and went to sleep. When I woke up he was gone. Looks like you were right Luke. He is just like Dan after all."

Lucas read the note again and shook his head. There was something off, not once did Nathan say he didn't want to be a father, just that he couldn't. He had the sense that there was more to it. "I don't know. Something doesn't seem right. He seemed to be looking forward to fatherhood when I saw him a few years ago."

"Guess he had us both fooled."

"Give me a minute okay. I'll be right back."

"Okay."

He left the room and pulled out his cell phone. "Peyton?"

"Luke? What's up?"

"Something's happened."

"What are you talking about, what happened?"

"Nathan's gone."

"What? What do you mean gone?"

"I mean gone, as in AWOL, as in left Haley a note saying he couldn't be a father."

"Oh no.Luke please tell me you didn't say I told you so."

"Of course not. That's the thing, I have a feeling there's more to this than meets the eye. I have to try and find Nathan. Any idea where he might go?"

"He used to go to his parents' beach house when he was upset or wanted to be alone. That's the only place I can think of."

"Okay. Can you come over here and stay with Haley? I don't want to leave her alone."

"Sure. Be right there."

Lucas met Peyton in the doorway and gave her a quick kiss. "She's upstairs. Sorry to rush out of here but I don't want to waste anytime.

"Of course. Go find him, and Luke?"

"Yeah?"

"Kick his ass for me."

"Believe me, I intend to."

***

Lucas arrived at the Scott beach house and sure enough, Nathan's car was parked out front.

"You better hope someone kidnapped you Nathan, because if not, I'm going to kill you." He muttered to himself as he opened the door.

"Nathan?" He called out.

"Go away." Came the cheerful reply.

"Not a chance."

Lucas walked out onto the deck and found Nathan sitting there, his head in his hands.

"Nathan, what are you doing here?"

"I was going to ask you the same thing. I don't recall inviting you in."

"I didn't ask. Answer my question."

"I couldn't get a flight until the end of the week. I'm waiting here until then."

"Where do you think you're going to go?"

"None of your business."

"You wanna tell me why my best friend is at home crying her eyes out while you're here, looking like something the cat dragged in?"

"I'm really not in the mood for a brotherly chat."

"I didn't have anything brotherly to say to you anyway. I was just going to kick your ass but figured I might as well let you explain yourself first."

"There's nothing to explain. I'm a jerk, just like you always thought."

"There's a part of me that would really like to believe that but I'm not buying it. A jerk wouldn't have offered to spend a Friday night baby- sitting. A jerk wouldn't carry a sonogram picture around in his wallet and how it to complete strangers. So tell me what's really going on."

"You wouldn't understand."

"Try me."

"Dan came to see me yesterday."

"Dan?"

"Yeah Dan, as in the devil himself. He told me there's not escaping his genes and that if I stick around I'll end up being as lousy a father as he was to me."

"Nathan that's a load of crap. He's just trying to get to you."

"No, he has a point. I mean, how can I know I won't be like him? I can't take the risk."

"So Nathan, if I ever have a child, do you think I should abandon it?"

"No! Of course not. That's crazy."

"But I have Dan's genes too. Doesn't that mean I'm also doomed to be a terrible father?"

"It's not the same."

"Sure it is. If DNA's what you're worried about then I might as well forget about fatherhood too."

"I never said that. You don't understand."

"Then explain it to me."

"Ever since I was a little kid my dad's been pushing me. I always knew nothing would ever be good enough but I kept trying to please him anyway. I envied you. I used to wish I could trade places with you so that I could be the one he pretended didn't exist."

"Dan's a lousy father. That's nothing new. What I want to know is why you're so freaked out all of a sudden."

"I was shooting hoops on the playground, thinking about how I couldn't wait to hold my son or daughter. Then Dan showed up and I got a good dose of reality. At first I shrugged it off, told myself he was just being Dan. I helped Haley out at the restaurant and went back to her place for the night. I didn't give Dan another thought."

"So what happened?"

"I had a dream. I was at my kid's soccer game. I wasn't happy with his performance so I yelled at him, made him practice instead of playing with his friends. You should have seen his face Luke. There was fear in his eyes. My own son was afraid of me. Just like I was always afraid of my father. That's how it will be if I stick around and I can't let that happen. My child is better off without me."

Lucas stared at Nathan and for the first time really realized just how badly Dan had messed him up. "If you really think that then you are an idiot. You aren't going to be the kind of father Dan was to you because you're not Dan."

"Not yet."

Lucas sighed, frustrated. Somehow he had to get through to Nathan, not just because of Haley but because he knew if his brother left, he'd soon regret it. "Okay Nathan, you think you got a glimpse into the future, well I'm going to give you another one. Imagine this Nathan, Haley's in labour, she's in pain and all she wants is for you to hold her hand but you're not there. Then, when her child, your child is laid in her arms, all she can think about is how much he or she looks like you and how she wishes you were there to share this amazing moment with her. It should be the happiest day of her life but it's not because you're not there. Fast-forward five years, your child comes home from school and says "Mommy, why don't I have a daddy?" Haley doesn't know what to say because she really doesn't understand it herself. If you leave Nathan, you're going to miss out on hearing your child's first words, teaching him or her to ride a bike or shoot a basketball. You're going to miss birthdays, Christmases, graduations, all those big moments. Not to mention the littler things like the first lost tooth and the first crush. Do you really want Dan to take all that away from you?"

"I wish I were stronger Luke. I really do but I'm not. I can't fight him. I've never been able to fight him."

"Maybe Haley was wrong about you after all. I thought you were a better man than that."

Nathan was silent. Lucas' words stung.

"Haley has a doctor's appointment tomorrow. I want you to seriously think about what you want until then. If you don't show up, I'll know I was right all along."

With those words he left Nathan alone to ponder whether he should risk being just like his father or lose Haley and their child forever.