A/N I was only going to include a few of the diary entries because it seems like that could be a whole different story but a few people requested more and I really like writing them so here are a few more. On that topic, I can't fit in more entries than what's in this chapter so I was thinking, would anyone be interested in a companion story of just diary entries? Reply here if you are.

Short chapter I know. Sorry. The next one will be longer.

Chapter 23

June 15th, 2004

You know, I've got to stop doing this, fooling myself into thinking that I can be happy. I was starting to believe I could have a happy family with Haley and our baby. Yea, stupid me. I saw my father today. He said a bunch of stuff about how I'm just like him and always have been, always will be. I told him I wasn't leaving Haley and he said I didn't have to leave to be a good dad. He reminded me that I think Lucas got the good end of the stick by not having him around and that I resent him for pushing me so hard. I told him to *&^% off and he left. At first, I chalked it up to him being well, him and trying once again to make me feel like crap but then I got to thinking about it. Let's face it, I haven't been the nicest guy. I was a jerk to Peyton pretty much the whole time we were going out. I did my best to make Lucas' life miserable. Heck, I even planned to use Haley to get to Luke. How could I have even considered that. Haley is the most caring, wonderful person I've ever met. I don't deserve her. She's way too good for me. Anyway, I haven't been able to stop thinking about the stuff my father said. I mean, what if he's right? What if I push my child so much he or she learns to hate and resent me. What if I get so bad Haley kicks me out like my mom kicked my dad out. I couldn't live with myself and I couldn't live without her. I don't know what to do.

June 16th 2004

Oh God, how did I get here. What am I doing? I have never felt lower than I do at this moment. I have to be the lowest form of life on Earth and I'm pretty sure I can name at least a few people who would agree with me. Haley and Lucas for example. I'm at my parents' beach house, hiding. I had a dream last night, well a nightmare. It was exactly like my father said, I was yelling at my child for not playing well. I sounded just like him too. When I woke up, I saw Haley sleeping next to me, the contour of her belly barely visible under the thin cover and I panicked. I wrote her a note, saying something heartless like I couldn't be a father. Then I left. First I went to the airport but the earliest flight I could get wasn't until the end of the week. I decided to stay here until my flight. I doubt anyone will find me here. Both Haley and Lucas will be to furious to look. I am such a horrible person. I can't stop picturing her face when she reads the note. She'll be so devastated and it will be my fault. I want to be there for her, to hold her, to tell her it will be all right but I can't. I just can't. My child deserves to have a good father, a father who's going to go to all the basketball games or dance recitals to be supportive, not overbearing. He or she deserves a dad who will make him or her feel loved and important, not small and useless. I can't be that father. They're better off without me. I know that, but it's killing me. I just.I can't imagine my life without Haley. She's everything that's good in me. Without her I have nothing, I am nothing.

When Nathan woke up the sun had barely begun to rise but he wasn't tired. At first he was worried when he looked beside him and didn't see Haley but then he saw her asleep in the chair. The position she was sleeping in looked very uncomfortable so he got out of bed and gently picked her up out of the chair and laid her back in the bed. She didn't even stir. He looked at the arm of the chair and noticed the journal laid open over it. He picked it up. It was open to the last entry.

June 19th

Haley hates me. I can't say that I blame her. I'd hate me too, I do hate myself for doing what I did to her. I may have thought I was being selfless but she's right, I should have included her in my problems. She's not speaking to me now and it scares me. Any other time we've fought I've been able to give her a cute stuffed bear or some flowers and she'd cry and then everything would be good. But this is a lot bigger than that. I can't just kiss it better and put a bandaid on it. I don't know what to do. I can't lose her. If I learned anything from my time alone at the beach house it's that.

"Nathan?" Haley mumbled.

"Yea?"

"Why aren't you in bed?"

"I was going to ask the same of you a few minutes ago but you were sound asleep. What were you doing sleeping in the chair. Am I that repulsive?"

She laughed. "Not usually no. I couldn't sleep so I thought I'd read your journal. It was enlightening."

Nathan gulped. "You read the part about me using you didn't you?"

"Yes but that wasn't very enlightening. Nathan, I was suspicious of your motives for wanting me as a tutor from the beginning. I was using you too remember, to make you get off Lucas' back. What was enlightening was how much you wanted the babies from the beginning."

"That was enlightening? You really think so little of me?" He was getting a little defensive.

"I didn't mean it like that. I always knew you wanted to be there for us but after reading all the stuff you said I think you were more sure about parenthood than I was in the beginning. That means a lot because I never wanted you to be with us because you thought you had to be. I wanted you to want to."

"I do. More than anything. Come here and let me show you." He pulled her to him.

He started to unbutton her shirt. "Nathan.." She laughed when they pulled up for air.

"What?"

"Nothing. I was just thinking that we haven't done this in a while, for all we spend almost every night together."

"I know. Let's make up for lost time."