Big Brother: All Under One Roof

By: MonkeyMan9

Prologue: Year of the Monkey

Twas' an evening in June, the Tower was not stirring; Not even Beastboy in cat form, especially without his uncessant purring.

But then a cry broke out!: "Titans! Go!"

And off they went, Raven, Starfire and Beastboy (among others, they were too slow!) and all.

It is here on the corner of Clarkson and Maine our story begins...

When the group assembled in the lonely street, they looked around; searching for any sign of evil-do'ers. The street was barren - Not a single living being (aside from the Titans) was here.

Beastboy groaned, and asked, "Are you guys sure this is the right place?".

Cyborg checked his readings and replied (though puzzled), "Yeah this is the right place.".

Though anxious for the imminent battle, they looked, yet again, for any trace of a villain.

In due time, the anxiety got to them. The frustration of having an emergency sans villain did not appease to them.

Even Raven, who is normally quiet and free of emotion, spoke angrily as she asked, "Are we going to fight something or not?".

Starfire added on this point by saying, "Yes- We are very frustrated by this Robin. Are you sure it wasn't an error?".

"I'm positive,", Robin replied, his eyes still darting around, "Like Cyborg said, everything's right except for-". He paused.

The Titans saw what he was looking at and found a peculiar looking man staring at a store window, his head tilted. Moving closer, they found the man had rather strange hair on the back of his hands.

Assuming this character was the enemy the computers detected, Robin grabbed him by the back of his collar and barked, "Who are you and what're you doing here?". The man turned around and found himself face to face with Robin.

With a straw still in his mouth and a cup in his left hand, he slurped the rest of the contents and said, "Drinkin' a soda. What does it look like?". He wiped his mouth with his sleeve, and then proceded to belch.

Comically, Beastboy waved his hand in the air and pinched his nose. "Dude! This guy reeks!". Though rude, he was right. Even Robin, who was caught in the line of fire, turned around and gagged.

Standing at around five-to six feet, he wore a long-sleeve red/black striped top with a brown jacket. On his eyes, he wore dark-tinted shades; and on his hands, there was a nice layer of manly hair. With brown boots and socks to match, he certainly didn't care for his colors in clothing.

Realizing his mistake, he laughed and apologized. "Eh... It's just bad indigestion.". He slicked back his greasy hair with the palm of his hand and asked, "So what is a group of superheroes like you doing in a trashy area like this?".

While Starfire was dumbfounded by the rude, gaseous expulsion, Robin said, "That's what we were wondering as well, because our radar picked up that there was some criminal activity down here. Did you happen to see one at all?".

Robin smirked at his last comment. The hairy man, on the other hand, lifted his head and looked at the darkened sky above. He stroked his chin and then snapped his fingers.

"Oh yeah, there was a bank robbery at... Uh, somewhere...". Robin proceded to grab him by the collar again.

"Where is the bank robbery?", Robin demanded, shaking the poor guy.

Once Robin stopped shaking him, he sighed and said, "It's on the East Side of town, I suppose.".

Robin nodded and told the group to move out.

When they left, the lone stranger just snickered and muttered, "This'll be great!".

~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Once at the (supposedly) robbed bank, the Titans split up and looked for any signs of robbery:

Doors were shut.

No windows were broken into.

The alarms were silent.

The bank employees were smiling and still saying, "How are you?" or "Good day!".

They had been fooled.

After all of the time had been wasted, they went back to west side of the city only to find the hairy man gone.

Starfire was furious. "He's such a Mellarious Ranvel-snarker! Horrible trickery!".

She began to pace as she began to mouth off foreign curses in her native tongue. Meanwhile, Raven was meditating in her own quiet thoughts as Robin and the other men discussed what to do next.

"Robin, we're not any closer to finding out who our criminal is or where he went.", Cyborg said.

"Yeah," Beastboy harped, just as annoyed as Starfire, "And after that performance that guy gave us, we're probably even farther behind in figuring out what happened to the radar!".

Robin was quiet during the talk, still reconsidering all that had happened as of recently.

Just before Starfire's mouth spouted flames, Robin cried, "I think I know who it is!...".

At that very moment, the man from earlier was sprinting towards them. He arrived, huffing, puffing and sweating as he did.

"You guys have gotta' got outta' here!,", the man exclaimed, "Some maniac's hurling cows with a catapault.".

Starfire paused, Raven opened an eye, and the three men were so dumbfounded by the seemingly inane statement, they would've laughed otherwise.

Starfire, now ticked, grabbed the man, held him in the air and shouted, "We've had enough of your pranks! You're worse than Beastboy!". Beastboy frowned.

"Then how do you explain that!?", he replied, pointing a finger at the sky behind him.

The Titans looked in the direction he was pointing at. Starfire dropped the man to the floor and gasped as she (and the others) saw the sight.

The distant mooing of cows were heard as they were being catapaulted into the air, twenty stories at least, as they made their ascent into the stratosphere.

Before you can say "Gotham City", the Titans were off to investigate!

~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~

They arrived on the scene, but not before a horrified look appeared on Beastboy's face. Like the man had said, cows were being shot off from a wooden catapault by a fat man in a cow costume.

Being the strangest villain they have met (up to now), he was garbed in a tight fitting cow costume (including a bulge in the nether regions that had Raven and Starfire both blushing and being disgusted over) that included a tail and an udder to boot.

Unaware of the Titans's presence, the bovine villain cackled to himself, "In a matter of moo-ments, I will have destroyed all of Jump City's buildings! Then I!, the Moo-velous Marvel, will become ruler of all! Soon, all will bow before me, sucking from the teat of mercy!". He soon uttered a gleefull, yet maniacal laughter afterwards.

Beastboy stepped fowarded and shouted, "Hey dude, I don't know what's wrong with you, but nobody just goes around flinging cows!".

The criminal turned around and placed his hands on his wide hips, his package bouncing in this spandex-like costume. Robin and the others cringed.

"The Teen Titans? No matter,", The Moo-velous Marvel said, closing his eyes and shrugging as he spoke, "My Annhi-moo-later will eradicate you all!".

The crazed felon then turned his catapault and loaded another cow in the launcher.

Once Robin said, "Titans! Go!", they were ready for the action.

Starfire began the attack by zooming high into the air and firing green bolts at the Moo-velous Marvel. He ducked, but was unaware of the follow-up from Raven.

With her eyes illuminated in a black aura, she waved her arms and shouted, "AZEROTH! METRION! ZINTHOS!". A cow from The Moo-velous Marvel's ammunition was lifted into the air, directly overhead his head and dropped. With a crash, the cow simply fell to the ground near the M-Marvel.

The villain angled his catapault and targeted Starfire.

"Eat white fury, you wench!". With a slam of his hand on the trigger, a cow was fired at the hovering girl above. She gasped and tried to fly away, but was no match for the Homing Cow. In one fell swoop, Starfire was downed by the bovine.

Mooing as he laughed, the Moo-velous Marvel turned his attention to Raven and Robin.

"If you two liked that, then you'll love the auto-fire on this thing!", Shouted the Moo-velous Marvel. With a twist of the teat, the catapault soon morphed into an autofire cannon with the ability to hold 5 cows at once.

In the meanwhile, Beastboy noticed Starfire's shriek for help. Apparently, the bull (yes, a bull) was filled with animal instict and... Began to mount Starfire.

"Dude, that is so not right.".

Unable to lift the bull off manually, Beastboy had no other choice than to lure it away. Transforming into a seductive cow, the bull moo'ed and pulled away from Starfire. Leaving Starfire (and her tattered clothes) on the ground, the bull then began to give chase after Beastboy.

Back to Raven and Robin, the crazed criminal had begun his assault of cows. The cows, launched in succession, zipped through the air like giant bullets.

Raven flew around and attempted to zap the cows when Robin warned her, "Remember, these are actual cows. I don't think Beastboy would like to see cows turned into mincemeat.". Raven agreed and joined Robin in simply evading the cows.

After several moments of cow-filled action, Cyborg arrived on the scene with several sewer plates.

"Hey cowbrains!", Cyborg shouted. The M-Marvel turned his head and looked at Cyborg. "Want some plates to go with those steaks?".

Cyborg flung his metallic disks at the M-Marvel, the latter ducking and screaming like a little girl.

With all of this action going on, the hairy man from before walked passively onto the scene and tapped the M-Marvel on the shoulder. Unable to get a response, he shouted, "Shut up everyone! I'm trying to talk here!".

With his voice deep and his appearance known, everyone stopped (including the bull) and looked at the hairy man in the jacket.

The man pulled out a tall can, which had the label "Fragrance Du Cow", from his pocket and sprayed the aerosol-like gas on the Moo-velous Marvel.

"I think you missed a spot".

The hairy man snickered as he walked away. Before anyone could get a peep in, the love-maddened Bull (including all the cows in the artillery) made a bee-line for M-Marvel.

In a strangely erotic (yet painful to see) combination of cowhide and hot, sweaty bovine action, the Moo-velous Marvel was shouting for help.

The Titans regrouped (with Beastboy in human form again) and looked at the strange fellow.

Still snickering, the hairy stranger wiped a gunk of cow semen of off Starfire's shoulder, commenting by saying, "You missed a spot as well, Star.". All of the Titans had their jaws to the floor and simply gawked at the man.

After a moment of desperate pleaing from the Moo-velous Marvel, Beastboy asked, "Uh, who are you and how do you know us?".

The man just shrugged and replied, "I've done my homework.".

The Titans were still not satisfied. Cyborg continued from Beastboy's interrogation by asking (again), "Who are you?".

"I'm not fond of telling people who I really am, but my friends call me "Monkey Man"."

After the introductions were given, Monkey Man stepped over to the raging orgy and drew the .50 Desert Eagle from his holster (his left pocket) and aimed it at the Moo-velous Marvel's head (the only visible part of him, that is).

"I can end your suffering by two ways, you sick freak- Either the Titans can send you downtown or I can just send you to Hell. It doesn't matter to me.", He said, giving the ultimatum.

"Anything! Anything!,", The sexually abused M-Marvel gasped under the furious pile of enraged cows, "Just get me out of here!".

Monkey Man nodded and pulled out a differently colored can that had the label "Cow-Off" and sprayed the pile with it. The cows immediately stopped and stood at attention, silent from their previous moo'ing.

The splooge-covered victim was helped up by Monkey Man, placing handcuffs on his wrists.

"Anything you say can and will be put against you...", Monkey Man began, reciting the five amendment as he pulled out his cellphone. He dailed the local police force and called for them immediately.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~

It was not long before the JCPD arrived. While the crazy psycho was put into the Asylum-mobile, Monkey Man was recieving thanks from the Titans.

"I apologize, Monkey Man,", Starfire began, "I should not have called you a Drancor-schnirk... Or a Warrym Tatsustrutter... Or anything else I have previously said. Please forgive me.". He nodded his head and smiled.

Turning to Robin, he asked, "Any other apologies to add to the bandwagon?".

Robin rubbed his head, and replied, "Uh... Thanks for everything?".

Beastboy, who was previously trying to get the nasty thoughts out of his head, suddenly was illuminated with a proposition.

"Dude! Why don't you stay at our place?", He asked.

As if a record had stopped, the Titans became silent. Quickly, they huddled together and discussed the issue.

"Him? In the Tower?", Raven inquired, "I think I'll pass...".

"Cmon Raven, we let Terra stay for awhile in the Tower! What can be so bad about this guy?", Beastboy said, remembering his fond memories of Terra.

"Do we really need to go through with refilling the year's-supply of food eaten in a single day again?", Cyborg asked, half-joking. Beastboy frowned.

"This man smells of garlic. Though I do appreciate his help, we cannot allow him in our home.", Starfire added, crossing her arms.

"I know, I know- This guy is a little strange, but Beastboy's right; we did this once, I think we can do it again", Robin said, ending the huddle.

He gestured towards Monkey Man and said, "Look at him- He probably doesn't even have a home to himself.".

Realizing that he was the center of attention, he opened his eyes wide and acted like a puppy- Whimpering in such a fashion in his own comical sense.

"So it's settled then?", Beastboy asked.

Starfire sighed, but agreed (along with the others). They all walked over to Monkey Man and asked, "You want to stay at our place?".

Trying to act surprised, he exclaimed, "Really? Moi? Are you foolin'?". He rubbed his head and then said flatly, "Sure, no prob.".

~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~

At the front of the door, Robin got out the keys when Monkey Man added (with a smirk):

"Oh yeah, I'm not house-broken yet, just in case you wanted to know.".

Robin sighed and thought to himself, "This is going to be a trip through Hell... I know it...".

Then, at last, he inserted the key into the hole and twisted it. Once the chambers of the lock were unlatched, the door was opened.

Here begins the non-sensical, insane, perverted, and all around mentally defunct adventures of Big Brother...

All Under One Roof...