Chapter One: What Laws of Physics?

From our last episode, the Teen Titans had offered the mysterious jokester, Monkey Man, into their home. Though pessimistic about the whole situation, Robin agrees to let him in. Little did they know that they would be in the time for their lives...

It was a small room, but a room nonetheless. With a mere bed and a few shelves, he had to make do with what he had.

"I'm sorry, Monkeyman,", Robin said, rubbing the back of his neck, "We couldn't find any other rooms than this one.".

"What about the couch Terra slept on?", Monkey Man asked, still surveying the quaint room.

At this, Robin coughed and replied, "Uh... Well, we've got to use that.".

"Oh, ok... I was just wondering if there was any available room left.", Monkeyman said, ending the conversation. Once done with the idle chitchat, Robin left him to fashion the room in his own design. With only his backpack to his name, he didn't have much to place in the room.

He searched through his backpack and found that he indeed have only a few things. He pulled out the contents of the bag and dumped them on the floor. In his inventory, he had:

-A playboy pin-up of Morgan Webb

-Some lotion and towels

-A dartboard

-A Gameboy Advance SP (in his pocket)

-A football

-Some money (Approximately $163.23)

-4 cans of Gourmet Cat food (One was open, so it stank up the whole bag)

-An empty can of Red Bull

-Some Trojan Condoms

-Extra-duty Industrial Sized Super Perm-Hair Gel

-A fine-toothed comb

-An unopened bottle of Heinz Mustard.

-A toothbrush, some toothpaste, and a flannel for his face

At this meager supply, he decided that he should go shop for some more necessities such as porn magazines, cat food, Red Bull, and maybe a bottle of Vodka or two.

Once finished with his inventory inspection, he stashed them all in a small (all except for the bottle of mustard and a twenty dollar bill, those of which he put in a pocket), shadowed corner and left the room, closing the door behind himself.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Upon reaching the front door, he had only reached for the doorknob when he saw Starfire walking towards him.

"Monkey Man, I'm sorry for what I said earlier...", she said, looking towards the ground. She was kicking in the air for the little while she was talking to him.

"Don't sweat it.", Monkey Man replied. Something flickered in his oh-so dirty mind. He grinned from ear to ear, but assumed a normal smile as soon as Starfire started to look at his face.

"But on the other hand, we could call a truce. How about this bottle of Mustard?", said the wily Monkey Man, pulling out a familiar yellow bottle. Starfire was pleased.

"Oh yes! I feel that it was about time for a refreshment!", Starfire exclaimed, her eyes shining like the sun.

Quietly snickering to himself, he passed the bottle on to Starfire and awaited the results...

It was more than he expected, to say the least:

First, she slowly opened the cap of the long, smooth bottle with her tender fingers. Next, she popped the cap off, little globs of yellow splashing upon her face. She smiled joyously, and then began to chug the bottle.

In and out it went, in and out... Little trails of yellowy goodness began to trickle down her face (not that she cared). Her face clearly showed her pleasure, her eyes overwhelmed with heavenly feelings.

It wasn't long until the bottle exploded into a fine mess upon her face and shirt. Though surprised by the mess, she simply wiped it off and licked it off her fingers, savoring each and every succulent drop.

Unfortunately for Monkey Man, his plan was too much for even himself. He slowly backed out the door and made a run for it.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

"That plan was just too good!", He thought, "Not only did she take the bait, by I also solved the problem from earlier.".

He grinned ear to ear yet again and continued his sprint towards the drugstore closest to the Tower (once you reached the bottom of the hill, you would head left towards the street).

Arriving at the door, he beat his fist on the glass. The door was locked. At the desk was an old granny - Inept to everything the world required of her to do.

"Hey lady!", He shouted from the outside, "Move!".

The wrinkles on her face rippled as she turned her face and put a hand to her ear.

"What was that, little boy?", she called from the desk.

Monkey Man, who was getting very frustrated from this, shouted (even louder), "Open the damn door!".

Unable to hear his demands, she bent over and pulled out a horn. She placed it by her ear and asked (again), "What was that? I couldn't hear you.".

His face becoming red and his ears billowing steam, he gritted his teeth then boomed, "OPEN THE DAMN DOOR!".

The old lady nodded and made a slow pace for the door. As she was shuffling along, she replied, "Why didn't you say so?".

What seemed like forever, she made the distance in the longest time possible. She fumbled through her keys and then opened the door. Monkey Man fell to the floor once the door was opened.

With his face to the floor, he asked, "Why do you keep your store locked?".

She wheezed, but then replied, "It's 11 o' clock at night. Why would we be opened?".

In accordance to plot development, the author had sped up the time in the ratio of the old lady's walking speed; therefore, exaggerating time v.s. distance. Monkey Man looked behind himself and saw that time had indeed sped up.

He got back up to his feet and shook his fist in the air, crying out, "Curse you and your control over the space-time continuum!".

Unable to see what he was talking to, the old lady shrugged and then hobbled back to her desk. Although time didn't speed up, she still walked as slow as ever. After (what seemed like) an eternity, she managed to get back to her desk.

"So what can I do you for?", she asked nicely (like how an old lady should).

Monkey Man looked to both sides, wondering if anyone was eavesdropping, then said, "I'll have a King Sized pack of Trojan condoms, please.". The lady nodded and then bent over.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Once bent over, she reached for the tray of condoms. She asked, "So who are these for?".

Monkey Man grinned (even though the old lady couldn't see) and replied, "Oh... Just anyone that happens to meet me in a dark alleyway.".

She stood back up, laughing as she had the pack in her hand. She placed the large package down on the counter and asked, "Is that all, sir?".

"Yeah.", Monkey Man replied, pulling a twenty from his right pocket. Once he placed the bill on the counter, he picked up his package and then turned to leave for door.

"Have a nice day!", she said as the bell rung.

But before he left, he turned his head and said, "I wasn't kidding about that alleyway thing.".

After that, he left the pharmacy, the door closing behind him.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

"Maybe I could get a threesome with Starfire and Raven...", Monkey Man spoke in his thoughts, "Nah, it'd never work... Unless...". He paused in his devious thoughts when he heard a faint sound in the distant.

He looked upwards, but suddenly found himself on the ground next to where he was standing. He jumped just in the nick of time. A large anvil with the word "ACME" engraved on the sides had crashed into the sidewalk like a falling meteor. A wispy trail of smoke billowed up from the impact site.

Coughing and sputtering, he brought himself to his feet and dusted himself off.

"Only a few minor scratches. I should consider myself lucky.", He thought to himself as he picked up the King Sized package of condoms.

He was about to think none the wiser of the anvil when several more anvils landed with a big explosion near to where he was standing. Realizing this was the work of the author that he just pissed off, he screamed in fright and ran for his life.

The anvils came pouring down like rain, barely missing Monkey Man like bullets. It seemed like they were coming down in a metallic hailstorm. The nearby buildings and pedestrians were being laid siege to by the falling anvils.

As he neared the tower, the downpour became even fiercer. Dozens were packed together in one landing (one just nicking Monkey Man's back)! Just as he reached the door, a giant thundercloud of anvils loomed overhead.

He reached for the doorknob, but found that it was locked. He pounded on it furiously, crying out, "Help! Help!".

The Anvil-ulonimbus cloud of anvils caught on fire and was pulsating with electricity. It was nearing its breaking point.

"For the love of God, open the door!", Monkey Man cried out, twisting the doorknob in any direction possible.

His doom was near...

At last, the sounds of keys jingled and the chambers of the lock had opened. The door opened from within.

It was Starfire. She began to greet him, but had no chance to do so as he came barging in. In an instant, he closed the door and locked it. The shower of anvils had stopped as quickly as it began (or, at least, when the door was shut).

Breathing heavily, he dropped his package on the floor and stumbled to the floor. He turned himself over and sat on his buttocks when he saw Starfire picking up the box.

"Monkey Man?", She asked, inquiringly.

"Yeah?", Replied he, still out of breath.

"What are these - How do you Humans call them? - "Condoms"?".

Realizing that she had found his package, he got up and took them away from her.

"Go ask Robin.", He said, running off to his room in a hurry.

She shrugged, but then walked off to a different direction, calling for Robin and asking, "I have something to ask you!...".

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Once in his room, he locked the door behind him and drew in a great breath. Now feeling relaxed, he took off his shirt and began to undress. With the breeze in his legs and his body free of constriction, he jumped onto his bed and lay sprawled across it.

"Note to self-,", Monkey Man said aloud to himself, "Never. Ever. Piss off the author.".

It was a gift to him and him only. He was the only one that understood the course of his life and had the ability to speak to the "Powers That Be", aka "God".

It was an odd thought, but he knew that if this so-called "God" was affecting his life directly, then something was up. Something was garnering his attention.

"Something inside tells me I should go try out that Magic Snake idea... Therefore, I agree with myself."

He rolled over and pulled the covers over his naked body. The drone of the A/C was still humming over his bed as pictures of naked women danced in his head...

What adventures may the next day bring? Stay tuned to...

Teen Titans: Big Brother!

END OF CHAPTER ONE! -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Next time... On Teen Titans: Big Brother!:

"Feast upon the symbol of fertility! My... Hairy... CHEST!"

Yes fans! Monkey Man gets down and dirty in the second chapter! The Titans are trying to adapt to his perverted ways, but how many people can stand someone rubbing whipped cream on their hairy chest?

But what's this? Magic Snakes!? What sorcercery is this!?

Find out next time on Teen Titans: Big Brother!