Hello! Bet you're wondering where we've been. Well, probably not, so we won't go into details. Well, fifth book is out. Since it lays all rumors to rest, we pretty much have nothing to make fun of anymore. But we're going to anyway. Did anyone notice when Ginny fell down the stairs? If only she'd died like in our version. Well, Sirius is dead, and we hadn't planned on killing him at all. That sorta throws a wrench into our story. In fact the whole book was a wrench to our story. Except for Ron. We were right about him. He was even more pathetic than we could have hoped for. And Percy. What can we say about Percy? Well he's not the Death Eater we hoped for, but we still think he has potential. Don't get us wrong, we're not Percy fans or anything. It just amuses us to mess with him. Alright, enough of our rambling, on with the story.

Ch. 11 A Change of Heart, but Not Really

Let's skip to somewhere near the end of the year. Many people have died since the Yule Ball, but none important enough to mention. Harry and Ron were deeply upset by the loss of their dear friend, Hermione. It took all of five minutes for them to recover. They sometimes thought of her. When their homework began to pile up and they had no notes to copy. (As little as we care about Granger, we know what it's like to have stupid people try to copy your homework all the time. It's so damn annoying.) Needless to say, Harry and Ron were on the verge of failing. In fact, if they failed just one of their exams, they would have to be held back a year. We find our not-so-heroic heroes in the (dun, dun, dun) library. Harry, who now is without a girlfriend, is writing down a few possible candidates (who are still alive).

"No, no, no! They just aren't good enough for me! Ron, go scare some pretty girls so they'll come to me to be rescued from your extreme ugliness. Well, don't just stare at me, get going! But give me five minutes, I have to make sure I look all heroic when they come." Harry said while flexing. As a result, his bulging "Quidditch" muscles popped open his shirt.

"Hey Potter, I've had a change of heart. We're going to be best friends, you piece of shit."

"What? Who dares to insult the Great Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived-" Harry began but was cut off by Draco.

"Yeah, the Boy Who Lived to Annoy Me. Anyway buddy, drag your bony ass out of here so we can go play Quidditch." Draco said while putting an arm around Harry's shoulders, or so it seemed. At the last minute he decided to knock him to the ground instead.

"You seem to have tripped buddy, let me help you up, Potty." Draco offered Harry his hand to help him up. Help him into his fist, which effectively broke his glasses in two.

"Potter you damn klutz! Watch where you're going. You could have hurt yourself. Well, kill ya, I mean see ya later buddy." And with that Draco sauntered off. Just then the girls that Ron had been scaring ran up to Harry who had a bloody nose and was groping blindly for his glasses.

"Eww. Harry, you look hideous, almost as bad as Ron." And with that the girls walked off leaving Harry crumpled up on the floor.

"This is your heroic look?" Ron questioned.

"Don't look at me. No one must see me now!" Harry wailed while curling up into a ball and crying. When he broke into "Big Boys Don't Cry" Ron left to head back to the dormitory. Without his leader to show him the way, Ron ended up getting lost.

~Meanwhile~

Percy, who had been watching the whole library scene, began his next plot to kill Potter.

"Oh Harry, I saw the whole thing. You look terrible. Let me take you to my office to fix you up."

"Percy, you're a real friend." Harry said allowing himself to be lead away by Percy.

Alright, this is a really bad plan on Percy's behalf. He has a room covered in mirrors waiting for Harry downstairs. He's hoping Harry will see his reflection, be devastated by his grotesque appearance and kill himself, or otherwise have a heart attack. Of course, this won't work anyway because Harry can't see. Percy really is losing his touch. (From reading the first chapter of this story you may have been lead to believe Harry had contacts, just disregard that, otherwise this chapter doesn't work at all and we don't feel like starting over.)

~Meanwhile~

Ron, still lost, snuck into a room. The same room filled with (dun, dun, dun) mirrors. For the time being it was completely dark, he couldn't see a thing.

~The other Meanwhile~

Percy and Harry had just rounded the corner of the corridor as Ron closed the door. Of course only Ron would be stupid enough to stay in the room once he saw that it was completely dark.

"Here, Harry, just go in this door and I'll be there in a minute." Percy said while showing Harry the door.

"I don't know what I'd do without a great friend like you Percy, I love you man." Harry cried while pulling Percy into a hug.

After throwing up, Percy shoved Harry into the room and locked the door behind him.

"Why's it so dark in here? Harry Potter Super Lumos! (that's our own little spell)" Harry yelled while striking an amazing pose.

Light suddenly filled the room. Though Harry still couldn't see, at least it wasn't dark any more.

"Harry, is that you mate? Look at all these portraits of this hideous guy. He looks like that Grint that Hagrid showed us in class that time. Oh my God, he's doing everything I do! He's alive! Help me Harry!" Ron suddenly started to claw at his own eyes with one hand, and with the other started throwing curses at the "Grint". Well, being that the "Grint" was actually a mirror, the curses were reflected back. Ron, who couldn't see by this point, was hit by the giant mass of mixed curses and died. We won't bore you with all the gruesome details. Harry was so full of self pity that he hadn't even noticed Ron was in the room. Percy, hearing the cries of pain, swung open the door to see Harry wandering aimlessly around the room and Ron dead on the floor. Harry tripped over Ron and fell over into a mirror, cutting his forehead. Harry's new scar was in the shape of the Dark Mark.

Suddenly he remembers he has an extra pair of glasses in his pocket. He puts them on and stares at his reflection in the broken mirror.

"Oh God! My beautiful face. Oh, wait, that's Ron's reflection. Here's mine. Oh, not another scar. This is your fault!" Harry kicked Ron in the foot and began to pout.

"Damn, damn, damn, damn!!!! Why won't you die?! I hate you!" Percy yelled.

Of course Harry heard none of this, he was looking at himself again.

"You always were jealous of my looks weren't you Ron? We're not friends anymore. I hope you die!" Harry yelled, and ran out of the room.

~The Next Day~

Harry was still waiting for Ron to come crawling back, when he literally ran into Draco on the stairs.

"Potter, you fool! You're gonna get yourself killed one day, God willing. You've got to learn to be more careful little buddy. Come on! I've got to kick your talented ass at Quidditch." Draco said while dragging Harry out to the pitch.

~AN/ End ch. 11. Well, do you think it was worth the wait? If you haven't abandoned us that is. About the glasses, we'd forgotten we said he no longer wore them in ch. one, and we didn't catch our mistake until we were beyond the point that we actually cared. That was a pitiful effort from Percy wasn't it? For those who didn't catch it, the title was referring to Draco's odd behavior. Trust us, there is a method to our madness, most of the time anyway. Also, "Grint" refers to Rupert Grint, who plays Ron. He's the reason we really hate Ron. Anyway, it might be around mid-August before we get to update again. Ch. 12, Colin Creevey, Ladies Man?

P.S. The scar was originally going to be in the shape of Texas, but the Dark Mark just seemed right somehow. Thanks!