Disclaimer: Obviously we own nothing, otherwise why would we be here?
~AN/ We feel sorta guilty. We started this chapter a long time ago, but got sidetracked. We hope you'll enjoy it, but we're not making any promises.
Ch. 12 Colin Creevey, Ladies Man?
As usual our story starts with Harry, who is standing in front of a mirror trying desperately to cover up his new scar with some make-up he stole from Hermione's room. (seeing as how she's dead she isn't gonna be needing it any time soon.) Harry had taken it upon himself to raise Crookshanks. But even so, he was still desperately lonely. He was still giving Ron the silent treatment, although he was beginning to wonder why he hadn't seen him around. And of course he missed having Hermione follow him around like a dog. He still couldn't figure out Draco's odd behavior. During their Quidditch practice together, Draco shoved Harry off his broom, then proceeded to carry him to Madame Pomfrey to make sure he was alright. Upon hearing that Harry was going to be fine, he then began to brutally beat him with his broom, while telling Harry how relieved he was that he was going to be alright. Harry was so tired of being lonely be resorted to putting an ad in the Daily Prophet.
The ad read as follows:
Hi. I'm Harry Potter. Some of you have probably heard of me before. Well, actually all of you should have. You know, that studly 15 year old 'Boy-Who-Lived'. Anyway, I'm looking for a penpal. Requirements: must be uglier than me, and praise me non-stop. If you meet these requirements, you can qualify to be my new friend.
Your Handsome Hero, Harry
Less than 2 days after his ad ran, the letters started pouring in. Out of 4 letters he narrowed it down to 3 finalists. They were (dun, dun, dun) Mr. Weasley, a young girl named Herm-ernie Macmillan, and Moldevort. He was extremely interested in Herm-ernie who sent a picture. She had lots of curly brown hair. He was flipping through them in the Great Hall when he came across the picture again. Upon second glance, she looked awfully familiar.
"Hey Ernie! Have you got a sister named Herm-ernie Macmillan? She looks just like you except with long curly brown hair." Harry shouted to the Hufflepuff table.
"I don't know what you're talking about." Ernie said shoving a wig into a bag. "I'm an only child." Ernie said blushing.
"But she looks just like you. And you have the same last name!" Harry argued.
"I said no!" Ernie yelled while running out of the Great Hall in tears.
"That was odd. I can understand why he won't admit that's his sister. She's awfully ugly. Oh, hi Colin. Where'd you come from?" Harry asked as Colin Creevey sat down next to him.
"Harry, I don't know what it is, but the girls just can't seem to keep their hands off of me." Colin whined.
"I don't know what it is either, Colin." Harry said bitterly. "But I might take a few off your hands."
"That'd be great, Harry. You know, I'm beginning to think they're all just after me for my body." Colin said glancing nervously over his shoulder.
Suddenly a swarm of girls came running in wearing T-shirts with Colin's face on them.
"There he is!" Lavender Brown yelled, and they ran straight for Colin, until Harry stood up with a smirk on his face.
"Ladies, all of your dreams are about to come true. Harry Potter is available. No need to bow down before my greatness, yet that is." Harry began chuckling at his own joke.
"Uh, who are you again? Well, it's not important. Colin, you got away from us again. How'd you get untied?" Lavender grabbed his arm and attempted to drag him off again.
"Harry, help me!" Colin screamed as he was being dragged off.
"But, I'm Harry Potter! Girls are all over me like a cheap whore, like a Weasley over 2 Knuts!" Harry yelled. "Ouch! My nose!" Harry screamed after being thrown head first into the corner of the Gryffindor table.
"Lord, you're such a fool, Harry. Throwing yourself into tables like that. Someone might have been hurt." Draco said eyeing Harry's bloody nose with distaste.
"Here, clean yourself up. You look like a Weasley at a bargain bin blowout." Draco laughed while tossing a napkin to Harry. Draco began to walk off, and as he was leaving, threw a Cruciatus Curse Harry's way.
"Get up, Potter, and get out of my way." Snape barked at Harry, who was lying on the floor writhing in pain.
"But, sir-" Harry began.
"Nah, I don't want to hear it. Why are you so hard headed?" Snape yelled while seemingly reaching for his wand, but instead pulled out a shotgun. (That's a small tribute to the assistant principle at our high school. We call him lunchman. That's his favorite saying.)
"Please, sir-" Harry tried again.
"Potter, if you ever get in my was again, I'll shoot you like a wild Weasley and mount you on my wall." Snape said walking towards the teacher's table.
~Later In Harry's Dorm~
Harry was reading his newest letters from the 3 finalists. The letter from Herm-ernie was all about how much she loved Harry. The letter from Mr. Weasley was all about how much he loved Harry, and the letter from Moldevort was all about how much he hated Harry and wished for his painful demise.
"Oh no. I must convert this poor soul, poor like the Weasleys. Poor, ugly, trash, cheap, and used like the Weasleys. Anyway, if I do my civic duty by this misguided fellow, I'll be a hero again. And Colin won't have any girls, because then I'll have all the girls. Maybe I'll even get an Order of Merlin. Ah, it's good to be Harry Potter."
~Meanwhile~
Bet you've been wondering what's been happening with Percy this chapter. Actually, we know you probably haven't, but brace yourselves because here he is. Percy was in the (dun, dun, dun) library. After seeing Harry with his new letters in the Great Hall, he came up with his next not-so- brilliant, brilliant plan. Percy was to steal one of Harry's letters before it reached him, and put a new charm on it he had been researching. The burn- you-up charm. (Our own little invention.) As soon as Harry would open the letter, it'd burn his head off. And he had the perfect opportunity to capture Hedwig.
~Next Morning~
As predicted, Snape was out early the next morning using incoming owls as target practice.
"Hey Snape, I bet you can't hit that white one." Percy said from behind Snape.
"Oh really?" Snape questioned turning to look at Percy, and without even breaking eye contact with him, shot both of Hedwig's wings off.
"Get out of my sight Weasley, or you're next. Go back to the dumpster your family crawled out of." Snape threatened, putting the gun against Percy's nose.
"Yes sir, just let me retrieve that owl." Percy pleaded.
"You mean my owl. Though I'm sure no one in your family knows the meaning of the word 'my'. But, I'm in a generous mood, so I'll let you have him for your dinner. Fine feast, eh Weasley." Snape said tossing the bird in Percy's face. "Better than those rats your mother usually serves up." And with that Snape shot the rest of the owls flying around, and Percy ran off with Hedwig.
~Later At Breakfast~
Unfortunately, with Hedwig dead and all, Percy had to levitate it over to Harry.
Harry was just minding his own business, when Hedwig knocked him upside the head, shoving Harry face first into the porridge.
"What the hell? Oh, Hedwig, you have a letter for me." Just as Harry was about to take the letter, Colin and his crowd of girls came into the Great Hall. In a fit of jealousy, Harry threw Hedwig at Colin.
"Ouch. Harry, is this letter for me, really? If I had my camera, I'd take a picture!" He began to open the envelope, when the burn-you-up charm began to take effect and burned him up.
"Colin, you loser. Give me my mail. Damn it all, Colin, it's all burned up!" Harry shouted, while Colin was running around with his head on fire.
"Oh, he's so brave!" Parvati squealed.
"Help me, Harry!" Colin managed to scream.
"You owe me a letter, so you better stop running around like a Weasley with your head cut off!" Harry yelled.
Unfortunately, Colin would never return Harry's letter, because he was dead. To make matters worse, the crazed Fan Girls carted off Colin's body.
"Oh, hi Percy. Why do you look so upset? Did you see what Colin did to my letter? It really choked me up too." Harry said patting Percy on the shoulder. "He ran off with my girls too." Harry whined.
"Get your filthy hand off of me. Do I look like some kind of Weasley who is used to filth." Percy sneered.
"But Percy, you are a filthy Weasley." Harry began. "Now stop acting like a whining Weasley who has missed out on the Malfoy's garbage day, and cheer up." And with that, Harry left.
"Weasley, I gave you that bird to eat, not to play with. I'm taking it back, and I'm gonna stuff it like a Weasley who's just ate all the free samples at a grocery store." Snape said storming off with Hedwig.
"Damn!" Percy yelled and began to cry like a Weasley whose 30 year old hand- me-down robes finally disintegrated.
~AN/ Well, we actually started this chapter Aug. 11, but we've been really busy. That's the same day school started. Even as we're writing this we've got some nosy little bastard trying to read it. We call him Jim. Anyway, we don't really know what inspired all the Weasley bashing, it just felt right. Well, some sad news, depending on how you look at it anyway, the next chapter will probably be the last. Next Chapter, End of the Crappy Story. And we had a request to add Umbridge to a chapter. Well, we've been giving it some thought, and we've decide not to add her to this story, but we are playing around with the idea of a story just for her. We rather like the idea of making her life a living hell.
~AN/ We feel sorta guilty. We started this chapter a long time ago, but got sidetracked. We hope you'll enjoy it, but we're not making any promises.
Ch. 12 Colin Creevey, Ladies Man?
As usual our story starts with Harry, who is standing in front of a mirror trying desperately to cover up his new scar with some make-up he stole from Hermione's room. (seeing as how she's dead she isn't gonna be needing it any time soon.) Harry had taken it upon himself to raise Crookshanks. But even so, he was still desperately lonely. He was still giving Ron the silent treatment, although he was beginning to wonder why he hadn't seen him around. And of course he missed having Hermione follow him around like a dog. He still couldn't figure out Draco's odd behavior. During their Quidditch practice together, Draco shoved Harry off his broom, then proceeded to carry him to Madame Pomfrey to make sure he was alright. Upon hearing that Harry was going to be fine, he then began to brutally beat him with his broom, while telling Harry how relieved he was that he was going to be alright. Harry was so tired of being lonely be resorted to putting an ad in the Daily Prophet.
The ad read as follows:
Hi. I'm Harry Potter. Some of you have probably heard of me before. Well, actually all of you should have. You know, that studly 15 year old 'Boy-Who-Lived'. Anyway, I'm looking for a penpal. Requirements: must be uglier than me, and praise me non-stop. If you meet these requirements, you can qualify to be my new friend.
Your Handsome Hero, Harry
Less than 2 days after his ad ran, the letters started pouring in. Out of 4 letters he narrowed it down to 3 finalists. They were (dun, dun, dun) Mr. Weasley, a young girl named Herm-ernie Macmillan, and Moldevort. He was extremely interested in Herm-ernie who sent a picture. She had lots of curly brown hair. He was flipping through them in the Great Hall when he came across the picture again. Upon second glance, she looked awfully familiar.
"Hey Ernie! Have you got a sister named Herm-ernie Macmillan? She looks just like you except with long curly brown hair." Harry shouted to the Hufflepuff table.
"I don't know what you're talking about." Ernie said shoving a wig into a bag. "I'm an only child." Ernie said blushing.
"But she looks just like you. And you have the same last name!" Harry argued.
"I said no!" Ernie yelled while running out of the Great Hall in tears.
"That was odd. I can understand why he won't admit that's his sister. She's awfully ugly. Oh, hi Colin. Where'd you come from?" Harry asked as Colin Creevey sat down next to him.
"Harry, I don't know what it is, but the girls just can't seem to keep their hands off of me." Colin whined.
"I don't know what it is either, Colin." Harry said bitterly. "But I might take a few off your hands."
"That'd be great, Harry. You know, I'm beginning to think they're all just after me for my body." Colin said glancing nervously over his shoulder.
Suddenly a swarm of girls came running in wearing T-shirts with Colin's face on them.
"There he is!" Lavender Brown yelled, and they ran straight for Colin, until Harry stood up with a smirk on his face.
"Ladies, all of your dreams are about to come true. Harry Potter is available. No need to bow down before my greatness, yet that is." Harry began chuckling at his own joke.
"Uh, who are you again? Well, it's not important. Colin, you got away from us again. How'd you get untied?" Lavender grabbed his arm and attempted to drag him off again.
"Harry, help me!" Colin screamed as he was being dragged off.
"But, I'm Harry Potter! Girls are all over me like a cheap whore, like a Weasley over 2 Knuts!" Harry yelled. "Ouch! My nose!" Harry screamed after being thrown head first into the corner of the Gryffindor table.
"Lord, you're such a fool, Harry. Throwing yourself into tables like that. Someone might have been hurt." Draco said eyeing Harry's bloody nose with distaste.
"Here, clean yourself up. You look like a Weasley at a bargain bin blowout." Draco laughed while tossing a napkin to Harry. Draco began to walk off, and as he was leaving, threw a Cruciatus Curse Harry's way.
"Get up, Potter, and get out of my way." Snape barked at Harry, who was lying on the floor writhing in pain.
"But, sir-" Harry began.
"Nah, I don't want to hear it. Why are you so hard headed?" Snape yelled while seemingly reaching for his wand, but instead pulled out a shotgun. (That's a small tribute to the assistant principle at our high school. We call him lunchman. That's his favorite saying.)
"Please, sir-" Harry tried again.
"Potter, if you ever get in my was again, I'll shoot you like a wild Weasley and mount you on my wall." Snape said walking towards the teacher's table.
~Later In Harry's Dorm~
Harry was reading his newest letters from the 3 finalists. The letter from Herm-ernie was all about how much she loved Harry. The letter from Mr. Weasley was all about how much he loved Harry, and the letter from Moldevort was all about how much he hated Harry and wished for his painful demise.
"Oh no. I must convert this poor soul, poor like the Weasleys. Poor, ugly, trash, cheap, and used like the Weasleys. Anyway, if I do my civic duty by this misguided fellow, I'll be a hero again. And Colin won't have any girls, because then I'll have all the girls. Maybe I'll even get an Order of Merlin. Ah, it's good to be Harry Potter."
~Meanwhile~
Bet you've been wondering what's been happening with Percy this chapter. Actually, we know you probably haven't, but brace yourselves because here he is. Percy was in the (dun, dun, dun) library. After seeing Harry with his new letters in the Great Hall, he came up with his next not-so- brilliant, brilliant plan. Percy was to steal one of Harry's letters before it reached him, and put a new charm on it he had been researching. The burn- you-up charm. (Our own little invention.) As soon as Harry would open the letter, it'd burn his head off. And he had the perfect opportunity to capture Hedwig.
~Next Morning~
As predicted, Snape was out early the next morning using incoming owls as target practice.
"Hey Snape, I bet you can't hit that white one." Percy said from behind Snape.
"Oh really?" Snape questioned turning to look at Percy, and without even breaking eye contact with him, shot both of Hedwig's wings off.
"Get out of my sight Weasley, or you're next. Go back to the dumpster your family crawled out of." Snape threatened, putting the gun against Percy's nose.
"Yes sir, just let me retrieve that owl." Percy pleaded.
"You mean my owl. Though I'm sure no one in your family knows the meaning of the word 'my'. But, I'm in a generous mood, so I'll let you have him for your dinner. Fine feast, eh Weasley." Snape said tossing the bird in Percy's face. "Better than those rats your mother usually serves up." And with that Snape shot the rest of the owls flying around, and Percy ran off with Hedwig.
~Later At Breakfast~
Unfortunately, with Hedwig dead and all, Percy had to levitate it over to Harry.
Harry was just minding his own business, when Hedwig knocked him upside the head, shoving Harry face first into the porridge.
"What the hell? Oh, Hedwig, you have a letter for me." Just as Harry was about to take the letter, Colin and his crowd of girls came into the Great Hall. In a fit of jealousy, Harry threw Hedwig at Colin.
"Ouch. Harry, is this letter for me, really? If I had my camera, I'd take a picture!" He began to open the envelope, when the burn-you-up charm began to take effect and burned him up.
"Colin, you loser. Give me my mail. Damn it all, Colin, it's all burned up!" Harry shouted, while Colin was running around with his head on fire.
"Oh, he's so brave!" Parvati squealed.
"Help me, Harry!" Colin managed to scream.
"You owe me a letter, so you better stop running around like a Weasley with your head cut off!" Harry yelled.
Unfortunately, Colin would never return Harry's letter, because he was dead. To make matters worse, the crazed Fan Girls carted off Colin's body.
"Oh, hi Percy. Why do you look so upset? Did you see what Colin did to my letter? It really choked me up too." Harry said patting Percy on the shoulder. "He ran off with my girls too." Harry whined.
"Get your filthy hand off of me. Do I look like some kind of Weasley who is used to filth." Percy sneered.
"But Percy, you are a filthy Weasley." Harry began. "Now stop acting like a whining Weasley who has missed out on the Malfoy's garbage day, and cheer up." And with that, Harry left.
"Weasley, I gave you that bird to eat, not to play with. I'm taking it back, and I'm gonna stuff it like a Weasley who's just ate all the free samples at a grocery store." Snape said storming off with Hedwig.
"Damn!" Percy yelled and began to cry like a Weasley whose 30 year old hand- me-down robes finally disintegrated.
~AN/ Well, we actually started this chapter Aug. 11, but we've been really busy. That's the same day school started. Even as we're writing this we've got some nosy little bastard trying to read it. We call him Jim. Anyway, we don't really know what inspired all the Weasley bashing, it just felt right. Well, some sad news, depending on how you look at it anyway, the next chapter will probably be the last. Next Chapter, End of the Crappy Story. And we had a request to add Umbridge to a chapter. Well, we've been giving it some thought, and we've decide not to add her to this story, but we are playing around with the idea of a story just for her. We rather like the idea of making her life a living hell.
