(CHRISTMAS SPECIAL)

Carolyn: (grinning happily) Hello ladies and germs, and welcome to 'The Legend Begins' special holiday episode.

Cronos: Carolyn's having an episode right now.

(All laugh)

Carolyn: Very funny wiseass. This is Cronos; he's a character in the story that hasn't appeared yet. In fact, he won't make an official appearance for quiet a few chapters.

Cronos: But I'm still the main character, right?

Carolyn: You and me are BOTH the main character sweetie.

Cronos: BOOYA!

(Sam walks out of kitchen)

Sam: YO CAROLYN! WE'RE OUT OF CRANBERRIES!

Carolyn: Oh! Good timing Sam! (grabs his arm) Come on and let me introduce you to the readers!

Sam: (whining) But I don't wanna!

Alex: (walks into room) You're a man, so start acting like it!

Carolyn: ALEX! Great! I can introduce both of you! (drags him over to her, Cronos, and Sam)

Alex: I knew I should've accepted that invitation to Ozzy Osborne's Christmas party…

Carolyn: Should've but didn't. Anyway, ladies and gentleman, this is Sam. He's a close friend of mine, and will be appearing in a few chapters. He's also Katie's love interest.

Sam: Speaking of which, Katie and me were cooking dinner together, I gotta go back and help her. (runs out)

Alex: Moron. I bet they're just planning to make-out.

Carolyn: And this is Alex. He's not going to appear in the story for a LONG time. But it'll be worth the wait. And by the way, he's Caitlin's love interest.

Alex: (slyly) So try to control yourselves ladies, I'm taken.

Cronos: He also goes by the name of 'Major Lieutenant Dickhead'.

Carolyn: BURN!

Alex: Why you little… (starts to roll up sleeve but Caitlin skips in and stops him).

Caitlin: Alex sweetie… I need some help hanging up the lights outside.

Alex: Let me guess. You want me to do every bit of work for you?

(Caitlin gives him the bambi eyes)

Alex: (sighs) Fine. I'll do it. (glares at Cronos) You got lucky. (he and Caitlin walk out)

Cronos: Bring it on Little Lord Sissy! I can take you! Ya pansy!

Carolyn: Cronos…

Cronos: Oh fine, I'll shut up.

Carolyn: (To reader) Christmas is my favorite holiday! I'm always in a cheerful mood as it approaches! I felt especially giving today, so I thought I'd give you loyal readers a hilarious Christmas party chapter to enjoy this holiday season!

Cronos: (rolls eyes) You stole half the jokes from the Ozzy Osbourne Christmas Party.

Carolyn: Hey, if he didn't want me to steal his jokes, he shouldn't say (bleep) so much.

Cronos: You're so cute when you curse…

Carolyn: That's why I do it so often. Anyway, enjoy the (bleep)-ing chapter!

Cronos: Stop swearing. It's starting to annoy me now.

Carolyn: Fine. You use the excessive curse words.

Cronos: ALL (bleep) RIGHT!

Twelve Days of Christmas: (The Legend Begins Version)

Cronos: (singing) On the 1st day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a partridge in a pear tree!

Carolyn: On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, 2 kegs of beer!

Cronos: Who wrote that?!

Katie: On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 3 six-packs!

Carolyn: 2 kegs of beer!

Cronos: Carolyn, I did NOT give you 2 kegs and you know it!

Tom: On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, 4 I.O.Us!

Katie: 3 six-packs!

Carolyn: 2 kegs of beer!

Cronos: And a partridge in a pear tree!

Alex: On the 5th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, (loudly, deeply and dramatically) FIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVEEEEE GOOOOOOLDEN RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGGGGS!

Tom: (super fast to make up for time) 4 I.O.Us!

Katie: (super fast to make up for time) 3 six-packs!

Carolyn: (super fast to make up for time) 2 kegs of beer!

Cronos: AW SHUT THE (bleep) UP!

Sam: On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…SOME GEESE!

Alex: (slightly less dramatic) FIVE GOLDEN RINGS!

Tom: 4 I.O.Us!

Katie: 3 six-packs!

Carolyn: 2 kegs of beer!

Cronos: (annoyed) Partridge in a pear tree…

Caitlin: On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, 7 stoners smoking.

Sam: 6 stupid geese.

Alex: FIVE GOLDEN RINGS!

Tom: 4 I.O.Us!

Katie: 3 six-packs!

Carolyn: 2 kegs of beer!

Cronos: This is getting ridiculous…

Lauren: On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, 8 hobos drinking!

Caitlin: 7 stoners smoking!

Sam: 6 dumb geese!

Alex: FIVE GOLDEN RINGS!

Tom: 4 I.O.Us!

Katie: 3 six-packs!

Carolyn: 2 kegs of beer!

Cronos: I'm the only one singing the original song!

Sloth: On the 9th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, 9 cans of Pepsi!

Lauren: 8 hobos drinking!

Caitlin: 7 stoners smoking!

Sam: 6 dumb geese!

Alex: FIVE GOLDEN RINGS!

Tom: 4 I.O.Us!

Katie: 3 six-packs!

Carolyn: 2 kegs of beer!

Cronos: I refuse to sing!

Fyora: On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, 10 'Cirque Du Freak' books!

Sloth: 9 cans of Pepsi.

Lauren: 8 hobos drinking!

Caitlin: 7 stoners smoking!

Sam: 6 dumb geese!

Alex: FIVE GOLDEN RINGS!

Tom: 4 I.O.Us!

Katie: 3 six-packs!

Carolyn: 2 kegs of beer!

Cronos: This is such bull-(bleep)

Jhudora: On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, 11 Rob Zombie albums!

Fyora: 10 'Cirque Du Freak' books.

Sloth: 9 cans of Pepsi.

Lauren: 8 hobos drinking!

Caitlin: 7 stoners smoking!

Sam: 6 dumb geese!

Alex: FIVE GOLDEN RINGS!

Tom: 4 I.O.Us!

Katie: 3 six-packs!

Carolyn: 2 kegs of beer!

Cronos: I can't believe I haven't killed myself!

Jack Sparrow: (pops out of nowhere) On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, 12 rum-filled barrels! (holds out empty barrel) Please loves?

Jhudora: 11 Rob Zombie albums!

Fyora: 10 'Cirque Du Freak' books!

Sloth: 9 cans of Pepsi!

Lauren: 8 hobos drinking!

Caitlin: 7 stoners smoking!

Sam: 6 lame-ass geese!

Alex: FIVE GOLDEN RINGS!

Tom: 4 I.O.Us!

Katie: 3 six-packs!

Carolyn: 2 kegs of beer!

Cronos: That's it! I refuse to be a part of this nonsense! I'm leaving! (gets up to leave but Carolyn points a gun at his head. He puts on a fake smile and finishes the song) AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

(A little while later in the living room. Carolyn and Cronos are sitting on the couch leaning towards each other about to kiss)

Carolyn: (notices readers) Oh hi! Did you guys enjoy the song? After we recorded it, Jack Sparrow threw a rum party! Then we took him to the docks and threw him in the water so the crew of 'The Black Pearl' can pick him up!

Cronos: But Carolyn…


Carolyn: What?

Cronos: We were about to kiss!

Carolyn: Oh, for the love of- (grabs Cronos by the face and kisses him hotly) There! That oughta hold ya!

Cronos: (eyes wide with shock and mouth hanging open in amazement) Whoa…

Carolyn: Anyway! Me and Cronos here have done everything we can to make it seem Christmassy.

Cronos: (holds out a plate of roasted chestnuts) We even roasted chestnuts on an open fire! (picks up a chestnut and takes a bite, but immediately spits it back out) IT TASTES LIKE (bleep)-ING SHIT!

Carolyn: Well ho-ho-ho to you too dumbass. Let's go check on Katie and Sam.

(They get up and walk into the kitchen. Katie and Sam are making-out…so what else is new?)

Carolyn: OH MY GOD!

(Katie and Sam stop and notice Carolyn and Cronos)

Cronos: I'M BLIND!

Katie: (blushing) Oh…hi guys.

Carolyn: No wonder Cronos swears so much, you're scaring the shit out of him!

Cronos: I'VE BEEN SCARRED FOR LIFE! (starts bawling like a baby and hugs Carolyn)

Carolyn: (patting him reassuringly on the back) Yes, yes… I know… Find your happy place…

Sam: Oh calm down! It's not like we let dinner burn!

Katie: (points at perfectly normal food) See? It's fine!

Cronos: (stops crying) Well thank goodness for small miracles. Come Carolyn, let's go, for the air in this room has been befouled!

(they leave the room. Katie and Sam resume make-out session)

(As they walk into the room the front door flies open and Jack Sparrow and the crew of 'The Black Pearl' walk in)

Jack: Merry Christmas! Now let's drink!

Carolyn: Jack?! What the hell are you doing here?!

Jack: Well love, I told my crew about the rum party we threw and we all decided to spend Christmas with you guys! Savvy?

Carolyn: No it is NOT savvy! We don't have enough food for all you people!

Katie: (from the kitchen) Um…Carolyn? Sam and me accidentally made ten times as much food as we were supposed to! Sorry…

Jack: (grins triumphantly)

Carolyn: Damn it all!

Will Turner: (steps forward) I told you this was a bad idea Jack! Now let's go, we're inconveniencing them!

Carolyn: (jaw drops open as she starts to drool) WILL TURNER?! (she's a huge Orlando Bloom fan)

Will: Yes…

Carolyn: (grabs Will in a huge bear hug) YOU CAN STAY AS LONG AS HE STAYS!

Jack: Deal! It seems like the lass has taking a liking to you Will!

Will: But…But I have a girlfriend!

Jack: What Liz doesn't know won't hurt her. (holds up a barrel of rum) Now let's drink!

(crew cheers)

Will: (still being hugged by Carolyn) Can't…breathe…

Cronos: (muttering) Damn it! Why did HE have to show up?

(cuts to a scene with Cronos talking to Sam)

Cronos: …So you see pal, the art of me dropping subtle hints about what I want for Christmas to Carolyn is really hard work.

Sam: What do you mean?

Cronos: I have to do it just so subtlety, you see, Carolyn's a smart girl, she'll figure it out.

(Will runs into the kitchen gasping for breath)

Will: I…cannot…take this! All those girls grabbing onto me like leeches! If Elizabeth saw me like this, she'd kill me!

Cronos: I feel like killing you! You waltzed right in with your drunk pirate buddies and grabbed my love interest's affection right in front of me!

Will: It was Jack's idea, not mine.

Sam: Didn't he listen when you complained?

Will: They all beat the crud out of me, until I caved in.

Cronos: (sarcastically) Gee, poor pretty-boy! Ever since Carolyn saw the 'Lord of the Rings' saga, she's been nuts about you!

Sam: By the way Cronos, I left a book here the last time I came over. Can I have it back?

Cronos: Oh, sure. It's in the room…well it's the one with the computer.

Sam: (walks into the next room…where the computer is) SWEET MERCIFUL MOTHER MARY MOSES'S MANAICAL MONKEY OF MOETOWN!!!!! WHAT THE HANK HILL DID YOU DO TO THIS ROOM????

(Cronos and Will run into the room. Cronos has sprayed in black spray-paint all over the walls: "GIVE ME PS2 GIVE ME PS2 GIVE ME PS2 GIVE ME PS2 GIVE ME PS2 GIVE ME PS2 GIVE ME PS2 GIVE ME PS2 GIVE ME PS2 GIVE ME PS2"

Cronos: Nice, huh?

Sam: What was with that smart girl crap then?

Cronos: Oh, Care's smart, I just want to make sure! I either want a PS2 or a Gamecube! Those systems ROCK!

Will: What about XBOX?

Cronos: …(whispers to Sam) What's an XBOX?

(Carolyn screams from the living room where everyone is drinking)

Carolyn: AH! GET HIM AWAY FROM ME! LEGGO!

(Cronos, Sam, and Will run into the living room. Jack had started groping Carolyn. She is now standing with Jack holding onto her ankle, while she's trying to get him off)

Carolyn: LET GO YOU SICKO!

Jack: (smoothly) Aw come on love…

Carolyn: And another thing! I want you to stop calling me that!

Will: (pulls Jack off) KNOCK IT OFF! YOU'RE DRUNK!

Jack: Aw come on! They don't make 'em like HER in the Caribbean!

Carolyn: THAT'S NO REASON TO START FEELING ME UP!

Jack: It's not a reason NOT to start feeling you up!

Cronos: (hugging Carolyn) You creep! She's only 14! And you're like…what, 40-something?

Jack: Actually I'm only a little over 20.

Sam: But Johnny Depp is way older!

Jack: Johnny who?

Cronos: He's the actor who plays you in 'Pirates of the Caribbean'. I guess you must be the REAL Jack Sparrow…well that's just frickin' great.

(Door opens. Alex and Caitlin walk in followed by an Englishman wearing glasses and really dweeby clothes)

Alex: Guys, this is my old friend-

All: AUSTIN POWERS?!

Carolyn: What is he doing here-

Austin: Oh! Cronos! (walks up and shakes Crono's hand) Good to see you again pal!

Carolyn: (to Cronos) YOU KNOW AUSTIN POWERS?!

Cronos: Uh-huh. Austin, this is my friend/love-interest, Carolyn. SO HANDS OFF!

Austin: (shakes Carolyn's hand) Nice to meet you. Cronos told me about you.

Carolyn: How do you know my friends?

Austin: Cronos and Alex were both at my knighting ceremony. (grins) Hey Cronos! Tell me that joke about Dr. Evil again!

Cronos: Well okay! So Dr. Evil blows up the world with a super-nuke or something. He and Mini-Me are driving around making sure that everything is destroyed. Then they see this hobo sitting on a bench laughing his ass off. They stop the car and ask what's so funny. And the hobo replies: 'I farted and the whole world blew up!'

Austin: (chuckles) Hehe! I never tire of that!

Katie: (walks out of kitchen reapplying lip gloss) Okay guys! Dinner's read- (stops when she sees Jack, Will, BPC ('Black Pearl Crew') and Austin). HOLY HAND-GRENADE! REAL LIFE PIRATES! (runs up and starts poking Jack) Touchy-feely…

Jack: Could you please not do that?

(later at the dinner table. Everyone is seated and about to eat)

Caitlin: (staring at Austin and the pirates) This is the weirdest Christmas party I've ever been to…

Cronos: Eh, I've seen weirder. (everyone stares at him)

Katie: (still poking Jack) This is the best Christmas party I've ever been to! How often do I get to poke a real-life pirate?!

Jack: Stop doing that, or I'll have to ask you politely again!

Katie: Never!

Carolyn: That's it! Next year I am GOING to a Christmas party instead of hosting one!

Jack: But love! You throw the best rum parties!

Carolyn: That's exactly why I'm not hosting one next year. So if you set foot in my house again after tonight, you can guess where MY foot's gonna be!

Sam: Carolyn, you should be thankful that you had such a turnout!

Carolyn: I guess so… Well, I am thankful to be spending Christmas with my friends (nods towards friends), these drunk pirates (nods towards Jack and the BPC), an English spy (nods towards Austin), and my best buddy in the whole wide universe and the hottest actor on the planet, (nods towards Will who is tied up in chair).

Will: How can I be your best buddy?! No one's even told me your name yet!!

Carolyn: Quiet you! (grins and turns to address the reader) Merry Christmas from all of us!

Cronos: Now (bleep) off!

(all laugh)

Cronos: (addressing the reader) Now (bleep) off everyone.

Merry Christmas and a happy healthy New Year!

-Carolyn