ONCE AGAIN WE START WITH THE NEW RECRUITS TRAINING ON THAT PATCH OF GRASS.

Amara: I don't get it Scott.

Cyclops: What now?

Amara: If this is a school... with kids in... why was there a self destruct mechanism built into the mansion?

Cyclops: Because... uh. The Professor. Um.

Amara: And why are there missiles and lasers built into everything?

Cyclops: Because... uh. The Professor. Um.

Amara: You realise that if we're attacked the attacker is usually so powerful the weapons do absolutely nothing?

Cyclops: Because... uh. The Professor. Um.

Amara: And half the time the weapons turn on us.

Cyclops: Because... uh. The Professor. Um.

Amara: Idiot! Ray? You know what to do.

Beserker: I'm gonna fry this turkey!

Ray shouts and levels both hands at Scott. Twin blasts of electricity shoot out and blast Scott towards the mansion. A few seconds later there's a sound of smashing glass and screaming.

Multiple: Yay! I'm the youngest! And Scott's gone!

Sunspot: But what do we do now? There aren't any instructors.

Amara glances at him and gets her flame on. She narrows her eyes and readies a ball of lava in the palm of her hand.

Amara: Like you even have to ask.

Jubilee: Incoming!

Wolfsbane: Hooooooooooooooooowl!

Beserker: I'm gonna fry your asses!

Cannonball: ...

Amara throws the lava at Sunspot as he punches Multiple, who clones himself and falls into Ray, who trips and blasts Wolfsbane, who jumps at Jubilee's throat, who shoots fireworks at Cannonball, who takes off, right the middle of the new recruits, knocking them all over. They lie on the floor, panting, as the scene shifts to Jean's bedroom. A charred and slightly smoking Scott is lying on the floor, his head resting on a shattered wardrobe door. Jean is sitting on her bed, screaming loudly and trying to telekinetically throw stuff at him.

Jean: Ahhhhh, AHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Hnnnngh!

Cyclops: I... *bzzzzzt*... ow

A pillow slowly floats off the bed and bumps repeatedly into his back. Jean is grimacing and waving her hands around violently. Scott pulls himself off the floor and staggers over to jean. He sits down and tries to casually lounge on it. He smooths down his still smoking hair and clears his throat.

Cyclops: Jean, sweetie, honey, I've got something to ask you.

Jean: What is it, Scott?

Cyclops: Well... we've been going out for ages. And before that there was all the will we-won't we sexual tension...

Jean: Yes, and?

Cyclops: Well... the tensions still there. And...

Jean: You were wondering when we'd get to release it?

Cyclops! Yes!

Jean: We can't, Scott.

Cyclops: But Jean, baby, honey, sweetie, why can't we... do it?

Just at that moment Kitty walks through the wall, holding a clipboard.

Kitty: Like, could you guys, like, help me with some, like, homework? Like?

Jean: Thats why, visor boy.

Cyclops: Damn you, Kitty!

Kitty: Like oh my god!

She throws the clipboard at Scott as he gets up and walks menacingly towards her. She runs through the wall, screaming, as Scott follows. He watches her disapear and runs after her... and straight into the wall. Jean sighs as he falls unconscious on the floor. Meanwhile in a room down the hall and a flight of stairs Kitty is still running. She arrives in the large hangar where all the X-Vehicles are stored. Kitty slips through the door Scott's red convertable and starts it up. She drives through the hangar door and through the gate, heading to an unknown destination.

Kitty: Oh yeeeeah! Wooo hooo!

As the dust of her departure clears the fountain statue starts to click and then rises up, the angel transformed into a gun-toting killing machine. It's head swivels around, a strange red glow coming from within its eye sockets. After a few seconds it sights the new recruits, still fighting on the lawn and scans them.

Angel statue: Moving target sighted. Destroy without considering it may be one of the many children who live here. DESTROY!

It takes off from the base of the fountain and heads towards them, the rocket boosters powering it forwards. The guns begin to fire and in a blaze of whitelight thescene switches to the Professor's study. He's sitting in front of a big mirror, practicing his evil laugh and hand steepling.

Prof X: MWAH HA HA H- oh, hello, how long have you been standing there?

Pietro: Justgothereman,likeyeah,youpeoplearesoooslow.

Prof X: Quicksilver! What did you just say?

Pietro: Isaid: justgothereman,likeyeah,youpeoplearesoooslow.

Prof X: Again, slower this time.

Pietro: Just. got. here. man, like. yeah, you. people. are. so. slow.

Prof X: Is that it? You came in to tell me that us "people" are so slow?

Pietro sighs and flamboyantly waves his arms around before prancing around the Professor's desk. He stops and puts one hand on his hip before speaking in a deliberately slow manner.

Pietro: I've got a message from Mystique.

Prof X: Mystique. Grrr. Bad lady. But she wears leather quite well.

Pietro: She says; I'M GOING TO KILL YOU X-FOOLS! AND YOU'RE BALD DADDY TOO! Ps, love and kisses to Rogue and Kurt. OR I'LL KILL YOU ALL! RAR!

Prof X: Aww, that was sweet. The Rogue and Kurt bit I mean.

Pietro: Yeah, what-e-va. Buh-bye!

He disapears in a white streaky flash and zips out of the institute, past the angel statue fighting the new recruits, over the gate and straight towards theBrotherhood's boarding house. Scott's convertible is parked halfway through a tree and Kitty is standing in front of it talking to Lance.

Kitty: So I was all like... like oh my god! And Scott was all like you know, like?

Lance: Rock on!

Kitty: Whatever, Lance.

Lance: Hey Kitty, I'm gonna rock your world!

Kitty: Like oh my god!

Lance's eyes roll back in his head till the whites show and he stamps on the ground. A small wave bulges across the grass and sends Kitty flying into the air.Lance runs forwards to catch her... but unfortunately Kitty phases through his outstretched arms and disapears into the ground. Lance throws himself onto the grass and claws at it, screaming loudly.

Lance: Kitty! Come back! YOU ROCK MY SOCKS!

Inside the boarding house Pietro is hiding inside the closet while Toad is hopping around after Wanda.

Toad: C'mon, Wanda, baby, I got the bling bling, fo shizzle, yo!

Wanda: Insect!

She waves her hand at him and he's suddenly surrounded by a strange purplish light. Wanda gestures upwards and sends Toad flying into the ceiling.

Toad: Dayum! Why you trippin' girl? I gots the bling, the ladies like the bling! Dayum! Cuddlebumps!

Wanda: MAGGOT!

She waves her hands again and sends him back up towards the ceiling. This time he carries on moving and crashes through the mouldy plaster. A few seconds later there's an angry shout and the sound of crashing.

Blob: STOP LAUGHING AT ME! Raaaaugh!

Toad: Oh man! I wasn't laughin', brother. Chill, yo. What's with these people trippin' on me, y'all?

Blob: You're laughing at me! So annnngry! RAUGH!

The ceiling cracks and Toad falls throught he hole, closely followed by Blob, who lands on top of Toad. Toad's eyes bulge outwards on impact and his tongue flies out, along with his breath and a large splurge of Toady goo spit stuff. It hits Wanda in the face and temporaliy blinds her. She throws her arms up in panic and bits of the boarding house begins to blow up and move around. Suddenly the door is kicked in and Mystique appears, her face livid.

Mystique: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY HOUSE? No harm done, eh? Just material things. THAT I PAID FOR WITH MY OWN HARD EARNED CASH YOU IDIOTIC INSECTS! I'LL MAKE YOU ALL PAY! RAR! Anyone fancy a cup of tea? I'll put the kettle on. AND TIP THE BOILING WATER INTO YOUR EMPTY SKULLS, INGRATES! Or just use a mug like normal people.

She wanders off into the kitchen while carnage ensues in the living room.

* * *

Next time on "X-Men: Devolution":

Prof X: No, no. Oh nooooo! They can't have all run out! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

* * *

Amara: Right, that's IT, just you and me, Drake, outside on the tennis courts!

Iceman: Eep!

* * *

Angel statue: DESTROY!

* * *

Cyclops: X-Jet to base, X-Jet to base. We require immediate assistance.

Prof X: Get out of my spare wheelchair, Scott. It's not a toy.