The Bayville Siryn

SCENE: THE ROAD OUTSIDE AN ALLEYWAY.

Four leather clad women jump out of a dirty brown jeep. They immediately run to the entrance of the alley, two on each side, and wait quietly.

Jean: Kitty, run through the wall and scout ahead, I'll fly overhead. You two wait here till we need to mix it up.

Kitty: Like... I'm on it!

As Jean silently takes off and flies in the darkness above the alley, Kitty slips into the wall and makes her way down to the other end of the alley. The two figures by the alley entrance lean against the wall and whisper to each other.

Amara: She so thinks she's the boss of me. She's not.

Rogue: I could absorb her like *that!* Then we'd see who's the boss!

Amara: At least I get to wear the outfit. That almost makes up for it.

Rogue: Speak for yerself, I look like an' eighties reject.

Amara: Well that's true. Man, what's taking so long?

As if on cue Kitty appears out of the wall.

Kitty: Get ready! They're, like, coming this way! Like, now!

Rogue: Alright! Places, quick.

Kitty phases through a dumpster and peeks out from under the lid, while Rogue and Amara crouch on the road. There's a sound of feet walking slowly down the litter strewn path and then tense in readiness. Suddenly behind them the lights on the jeep flash on and a loud horn honks out a tune: La Cucharacha.

Boom Boom: LA CUCHARACHA! LA CUCHARACHA! A DA DA DA DA DA DA DA!

Kitty screams in shock and falls through the dumpster and onto the group of men walking down the path. There's a shriek from above and Jean falls out of the air, landing in Kitty's recently vacated dumpser a few seconds later.

Kitty: LIKE OH MY GOD!

Boom Boom: BOOM BOOM! BOMBING IN! OH YEAH!

Rogue: Christ...

Boom Boom places a small bomb on the car door and flips down her black shades as it explodes off. She jumps out and poses under a street light, before running to Amara and high five-ing her.

Boom Boom: Hey! It's my girl Amara!

Amara: Hello Tabitha. Now's not a good time for us to be friends for no reason. You just ruined the mission.

Boom Boom: Then it's time fo' a little bada bing, BADA BOOM!

She lifts her hands up to reveal a load of shining bombs. With a shout she throws them at the men in the alley and leaps at Amara, pinning her to the ground and shielding her from the blast. Kitty phases through the ground as the alleyway detonates. The group of men are catapulted up in the blast and disapear into the air, never to be seen again. The dumpster begins to shake and then bursts, as Jean makes her way out. She stalks past Boom Boom and gets into the car, putting on her belt and crossing her arms while pouting. Amara and Rogue raise their eyebrows but get inside silently, while Boom Boom dances on the spot for a second before getting into the drivers seat.

Amara: What about Kitty?

Rogue: She'll turn up somewhere.

Boom Boom: Let's go back and scare the toll-booth guy some more!

The car screeches into gear and speeds off down the road, Boom Boom hammering out a tune on the horn. Amara reaches into her pocket and pulls out a flier, quickly throwing it towards the alleyway. It flutters over and lands on the carnage that used to be an alley. Up above it all on the edge of an apartment building a loud whining sound starts and quickly gets closer to the ground, nearby windows shattering with its descent. A woman lands on the ground and the whining stops. There's a gulping sound and a large burp, following by an empty Guiness bottle shattering against the wall. A hand reaches out and grabs the leaflet.

Leaflet: Crime free since the Bayville Sirens destroyed this area!

Woman: Thieving bastards! There's only room for one Siryn in Bayville!

She screams loudly and takes off quickly, the windscreen of a car shattering as she disapears into the night. Meanwhile, Iceman is strapped to a chair in a top secret miliarty installation...

Iceman: I'll never tell!

Fury: Tell me or I'll melt you!

Iceman: I'll tell, I'll tell!

Fury: Pussy...

Iceman: Don't call me a pussy! Or I'll freeze your poncy eye-path right off your face! What are you? A pirate?

Fury: Quiet you! Get the blow torch!

A squad of soliders run in carrying a blow torch and start assembling it on the ground. Once done they all kneel and start blowing on it. Fury walks over and kicks them out the way. He levels the big blow torch at Iceman and adjusts his eye-patch.

Fury: Last chance, ice boy.

Iceman: *Shriek!*

Fury: Is that your final answer?

Iceman: Oh, a pop culture reference, how droll.

Fury: Welcome to puddlesville!

Iceman: IT WAS PAUL! Scot's friend! That's all I know.

Fury: Your cooperation has been most helpful.

Iceman: Let me go!

Fury: Fine. But don't even think about telling anyone what you've seen here.

Iceman: I will-

Fury: Do you want to get out?

Iceman: -not. I will not. You cut me off, bitch.

Fury: Quiet you!

He walks away from the flame thrower and over to Iceman, where he reaches under his chair.

Iceman: Hey, dude, despite my look and voice I don't go in for that man on man action stuff.

Fury: Good for you.

Fury flicks a switch and stands back as Iceman's chair takes off and blasts way through the ceiling. With a satisfied smile he dusts off his hands and walks towards the command centre, pulling an dictaphone out of his pocket as he goes.

Fury: Note to self; Paul is involved, just as we suspected. Plan B is going into action as of now. Edit. Make that as of after lunch. Edit. Make that as of after lunch and after I've picked up my dry cleaning.

Meanwhile, a few miles to the left and a few metres underground, Kitty is phasing fast through the ground.

Kitty: LIKE OH MY GOD!

She eventually phases out of the earth and lands in the sewers. With a shiver she begins walking towards a pool of light, hoping it's an open manhole cover.

Kitty: I like totally hope I can get out of here soon. This place is like soo icksome. And I'm going to miss 90210 repeats! Like oh my god!

She runs faster, splashing through (and ignoring) alligators and used condoms, till she comes to a stop. With a confused look on her face she stares up at the assumed manhole cover, only to see its a spotlight. Suddenly a load more spotlights pop on, illuminating the large sewer... thingy place. Kitty shields her eyes and cringes as multiple bass thuds of subwoofers turning on echo out, followed by a harsh sound of feedback.

Spyke: Yo dudes! Wasssssssup?!?!

Morlocks: Wassssup?!?!

Kitty: Like oh my god, even I know that saying is so last year.

Facade: DOWN IN FRONT!

Kitty: Oh my god, that's like so totally rude.

Scaleface: WE WANT AVRIL! WE WANT AVRIL!

Spyke: Before I introduce the most hardcore sk8er punk goddess of them all I have a little announcement.

Scaleface: AVRIL! AVRIL!

Spyke: There's some bad moo-juice going around. So keep away from the moo-juice.

Cybelle immediately screams and melts her carton of milk, while a man by the exit hastily shuts his stall and runs away shouting;

Guy Spear: There's no Pow-R8 in the milk! Who says there was? I don't even know what Pow-R8 is! Aiiii...

Spyke: And now... AVRIL LAVIGNE!

Avril: I AM A SK8ER BOI... UH, HE WAS A SK8ER BOI, ROCKIN' ON MTB, UH, MTV!

Kitty screams and dives for the safety of an alligator's jaws while Avril screeches out her 'funky harcore punk rock'. The alligator spits Kitty out and plunges under the murky surface while a hoarde of rats flee down the tunnels, squeaking in terror in a frantic bid to get away from the heinous voice. Suddenly the lights dim down and the subwoofers power down. Kitty squints up towards the stage and watches as an eye patched figure leaps acrobatically onto the stage and delivers a hard kick under Avril's jaw. The 'singer' flies off the stage and lands with a splash next to Kitty. Avril holds back tears and pulls a note out of her pocket. She hands it to Kitty with a tearful look in her eyes.

Avril: Give that to Ray. Please. It's important.

Kitty: Um. Ok? I'm gonna go... over there now.

She runs towards a conveniently placed ladder and scrambles to the surface as Callisto restores order to the sewers. Once on the street she flags down a taxi to take her back to the institute. Inside the Professor's office a heated debate is going on between the strange woman from earlier and the Professor.

Prof X: Listen, Siryn, I'm sure we can work this out without resorting to... legal action. To be frank your claim is a little... ridiculous.

Siryn: What the hell? It's blatant copywright infringement! Siryn/Siren, the Bayville Siryn/the Bayville Sirens! It doesn't take a genius to work it out, Charles!

Prof X: Since when did you start calling yourself the Bayville Siryn?

Siryn: I don't! I'm just... drunk! And SHUT UP! THAT'S WHY!

Siryn burps loudly and accidentally causes a sonic wave to shatter the Professor's wallscreen, you know, the one cleverly disguised as a picture? With a drunken sob she downs the last of her Guiness and smashes the can into her head. Immediately she cries out in pain, causing the Professor's coffee mug and Piggy bank (labeled: RICH UNCLE'S FUNDING: KEEP OUT, ESPECIALLY YOU SCOTT!) to crack and explode.

Prof X: You are drunk and already feeling dizzy. You want to go to sleep. You want to go to sleep... and put your purse on the table, and write down your credit card details. Then you want to go to sleep. SCOTT! Come to my study, at once and take this drunken Irishwoman away. Will the Bayville Siren's please come to my office. Now.

Rogue decides to hide in her room while Jean and Amara sigh and make their way to the Professor's office, wondering where Boom Boom and Kitty were. When inside the Professor steeples his hands and stares at them.

Prof X: I see you are the only Siren's who are prepared to turn up and face the consequences of your actions.

He gestures at the drunken, unconscious Siryn and shakes his head disaprovingly.

Amara: No we aren't.

Jean. We just wanted to see what a Bayville Siren is.

Amara: They're cool whoever they are.

Jean: Totally. Girl power!

Amara: Hi-5, girlfriend!

They hi-5 and then turn to face the Professor again, their eyes narrowing.

Jean: So you see we're not.

Prof X: I know you're lying, I can read minds!

Jean: No you can't.

Prof X: I can so!

Amara: Prove it!

Prof X: Fine!

The Professor's hands go to his temples and he grunts with exertion while looking at Amara.

Prof X: You're thinking about the money you got from S.H.I.E.L.D the other day.

Amara: No I'm not...

Prof X: Yes you are!

Amara: Prove it!

He steeples and unsteeples his fingers for a second and then puts his wheelchair into reverse. As he exits the room he sends a steely glare towards Jean and Amara.

Prof X: I'll get you girls one day, and your little dog too!

Wolfsbane scampers out from behind a random door and whimpers at Jean's feet.

Wolfsbane: *whine*

Next time on X-Men: Devolution:

Uh. Use your imagination. Picture snow plows and Wolverine growing and stuff. Yeah. I'll try and write it faster than this one.