Author's Notes: We do not own any of the characters mention in this
paraody, cept for our delightful Hannah, the female "Gollum" and of course
Charles the effeminate dwarf.
This story is, and we must stress this to save being flamed, a humorous parody of Lord of the Rings! The story is AU and the characters are highly OOC!!
Anways enjoy this offering of slashiness and by all means, review! We love to hear what you think!
-Beatrix
Helm's Deep-The REAL story-Chapter One
-By Beatrix
The sky was dark as Legolas made his way through cracking fortress, searching in vain for anyone wanting companionship. It had been lonely for him – travelling through the wilderness. He was used to a couple of shags a week, from fair maidens with large bazookas and long legs. To put it in short, Legolas was gagging for it. The Elf's musings were interrupted by an unpleasant snort and the sound of a gasping Dwarf.
Thinking the Dwarf to be in trouble, the blonde beauty rounded a corner only to find Gimli cupping himself. Something inside Legolas snapped, and he stood for a few moments just watching the vertically challenged man rubbing his most private of body parts. It was time; he realised, to shag something other than an Orc. Tonight he would be feasting on Dwarf...
Legolas smiled as he felt the Dwarf struggle. He covered Gimli's mouth and thrust him against the wall of Helm's Deep. As the trumpets of war sounded out, Gimli felt a strange sort of peace settle within his frantically beating heart. A small smile made its way onto his face as Legolas knelt down, the Elf's mouth closing around his pulsating organ.
Haldir minced around the corner, his eyes widening when he was greeted with the sight of Legolas tasting Dwarf 'juice'.
"Well, well, well... What do we have here?" Haldir whispered seductively as he neared the pair.
"You naughty, naughty little boys." He murmured as he produced a long leather whip and brandished it with a sexy smile.
"Now you need to be punished." He licked his lips hungrily. Legolas reared up, his eyes wide and lips parted. His mouth glistened in moonlight from the activity he had partaken in with the Dwarf.
Legolas' voice trembled slightly – his master was home.
"Haldir... We, we were just..." Haldir raised a hand, silencing the younger Elf. "I can see perfectly well what you were doing." He grinned, feeling himself become excited. "And now it is time for my turn, I think."
The Dwarf's eyes grew as he considered the possibilities... Haldir and Legolas at the same time? With a whip...
"Well, I'm ready for anything. Just say the word. I can get my axe if you want." His deep voice rumbled out into the still air – trumpets long gone.
Legolas grinned cheekily, and the other two men knew that something far better than an axe had been thought of.
"Remember the trumpets?" He asked with an air of indifference. "Aye, of course." Gimli replied, not making an instant connection. "I can see what you're thinking, boy. Very good." Haldir said, anticipating the feel of a cold trumpet shoved up between his blushing cheeks.
Legolas nodded once and ran off into the night, leaving the two men alone for the moment.
"Tell me, Dwarf, have you ever had two love-muscles at once?" Haldir soothed out, wondering if the Dwarf would go for his next idea.
"Look, Elf, I've never had just one love-muscle. Never mind two of them." Gimli grumbled, suddenly unsure of himself.
"Then it's about time you did, little man." Haldir replied, rushing quickly at Gimli.
It was the second time that night that Gimli was up against the cold wall of Helm's Deep... and he thoroughly enjoyed it. By the time Legolas returned, trumpet in hand, the two men were leant against Helm's Deep, trying unsuccessfully to look as if they hadn't just been screwing each other.
"Everything alright here?" The younger Elf asked, wondering exactly what the two men had done to occupy themselves.
Author's Notes-Hope you all enjoyed the beginning of the REAL story of Helm's deep,more to come and please review!
-Beatrix
This story is, and we must stress this to save being flamed, a humorous parody of Lord of the Rings! The story is AU and the characters are highly OOC!!
Anways enjoy this offering of slashiness and by all means, review! We love to hear what you think!
-Beatrix
Helm's Deep-The REAL story-Chapter One
-By Beatrix
The sky was dark as Legolas made his way through cracking fortress, searching in vain for anyone wanting companionship. It had been lonely for him – travelling through the wilderness. He was used to a couple of shags a week, from fair maidens with large bazookas and long legs. To put it in short, Legolas was gagging for it. The Elf's musings were interrupted by an unpleasant snort and the sound of a gasping Dwarf.
Thinking the Dwarf to be in trouble, the blonde beauty rounded a corner only to find Gimli cupping himself. Something inside Legolas snapped, and he stood for a few moments just watching the vertically challenged man rubbing his most private of body parts. It was time; he realised, to shag something other than an Orc. Tonight he would be feasting on Dwarf...
Legolas smiled as he felt the Dwarf struggle. He covered Gimli's mouth and thrust him against the wall of Helm's Deep. As the trumpets of war sounded out, Gimli felt a strange sort of peace settle within his frantically beating heart. A small smile made its way onto his face as Legolas knelt down, the Elf's mouth closing around his pulsating organ.
Haldir minced around the corner, his eyes widening when he was greeted with the sight of Legolas tasting Dwarf 'juice'.
"Well, well, well... What do we have here?" Haldir whispered seductively as he neared the pair.
"You naughty, naughty little boys." He murmured as he produced a long leather whip and brandished it with a sexy smile.
"Now you need to be punished." He licked his lips hungrily. Legolas reared up, his eyes wide and lips parted. His mouth glistened in moonlight from the activity he had partaken in with the Dwarf.
Legolas' voice trembled slightly – his master was home.
"Haldir... We, we were just..." Haldir raised a hand, silencing the younger Elf. "I can see perfectly well what you were doing." He grinned, feeling himself become excited. "And now it is time for my turn, I think."
The Dwarf's eyes grew as he considered the possibilities... Haldir and Legolas at the same time? With a whip...
"Well, I'm ready for anything. Just say the word. I can get my axe if you want." His deep voice rumbled out into the still air – trumpets long gone.
Legolas grinned cheekily, and the other two men knew that something far better than an axe had been thought of.
"Remember the trumpets?" He asked with an air of indifference. "Aye, of course." Gimli replied, not making an instant connection. "I can see what you're thinking, boy. Very good." Haldir said, anticipating the feel of a cold trumpet shoved up between his blushing cheeks.
Legolas nodded once and ran off into the night, leaving the two men alone for the moment.
"Tell me, Dwarf, have you ever had two love-muscles at once?" Haldir soothed out, wondering if the Dwarf would go for his next idea.
"Look, Elf, I've never had just one love-muscle. Never mind two of them." Gimli grumbled, suddenly unsure of himself.
"Then it's about time you did, little man." Haldir replied, rushing quickly at Gimli.
It was the second time that night that Gimli was up against the cold wall of Helm's Deep... and he thoroughly enjoyed it. By the time Legolas returned, trumpet in hand, the two men were leant against Helm's Deep, trying unsuccessfully to look as if they hadn't just been screwing each other.
"Everything alright here?" The younger Elf asked, wondering exactly what the two men had done to occupy themselves.
Author's Notes-Hope you all enjoyed the beginning of the REAL story of Helm's deep,more to come and please review!
-Beatrix
