A year later
Well, I did it. Against Missy's judgment, and mine as well, I married Brad. We've been married two months now, and I've been very happy with him, but im not IN love with him. I do love him, I wouldn't have married him otherwise, and I know he loves me, but I can't shake my feelings for Mulder. I sometimes cry myself to sleep at night, and Brad always asks me about it, I never give him a straight answer, I normally just change the subject. I can tell he doesn't like me being distant, but I can't tell him my reasons.
I've asked Missy to move to a different apartment, and she very adamantly said no, ok so maybe it's not that adamant of her to say no but of me to ask in the first place, she very efficiently pointed out to me that if I couldn't stand being around Mulder because of my feelings for him then I shouldn't have married Brad in the first place.
I hate it when she's right.
But Mulder had ever opportunity, even if he had came to me while Brad and I were engaged I would have broke it off. I can't get the look on his face when I left Missy's apartment that night out of my mind, and it drives me crazy.
I've ceased going to O'Brian's. Unless Missy tells me that Mulder's on a case. It's still her and my little place to go when our world's are upside down, but only if Mulder's not in town. If he is we go to a bar by Brian and my house, called McIntyre's. But it's not the same as O'Brian's.
O'Brian's is where we are right now. Brad--who recently became the AD when his uncle retired--is on a very important case dealing with a serial rapist. And I know not to be around when he's on a case that big, he gets so focused on it, so I retreat to Missy's and my little world of beer.
For old times sake I let her get drunk enough to sing Karaoke. And since Charity met us up here they agree immediately.
"Does he love me I want to know, how can I tell if he loves me so." Missy belts out.
"Is it in his eyes." Charity sings, softer, but just as horrible.
I--having had a few drinks myself--bolt out with laughter.
"Oh no, you'll be deceived." Missy sings, way off key.
"Is it in his smile." Charity sings back, her voice shrill.
"Oh no, that's make believe."
"How do you know if he loves you so, it's in his kiss."
"That's where it is."
I almost fell of my stool with laughter, and I looked over at the bartender, he was laughing just as hard.
"Is that your sister?" He asked.
"The redhead is."
"I haven't seen you two here in a while. How come you don't come anymore?"
To my dismay at that exact moment Mulder walked into the bar, I looked over at Missy and gave her a look that would kill, she smiled and went on singing.
"In his warm embrace?"
"Oh, no, that's just his arm." Charity replied.
I looked at them in horror before turning back to the bartender, trying desperately not to let Mulder know I had noticed him. "Well, I don't spend as much time with my sister as I use too, so we have less time to come here."
"Because you got married?"
"Yeah, how did you know?"
"That huge rock on your finger gave it away. So, who's the lucky man."
"Brad Turner."
"The AD?"
"Yeah."
"He's trying that case against Vickers, the rapist right? It's all over the news."
"Yeah, that's why im here with Missy. He's working, and when he gets involved with a case of this magnitude the rest of the world disappears. He doesn't even accept phone calls from his mother."
"That's understandable."
Missy and Charity came bouncing back to their stools, and to my horror Charity notices Mulder and starts to talk to him. Of course, she doesn't know that I love him, I made Missy swear never to say anything, to anyone. Not even mom.
"Vodka on the rocks please." I pleaded with the bartender.
Charity looked at me strangely, "vodka on the rocks? That's new for you Dana."
"You only live once right." I say nervously, then I look over at Missy. "That was horrible."
"Your fault, you let me get drunk."
"Yeah, yeah. I know, my fault. How are we going to get home?"
"Good question."
The bartender brings me my drink, "on the house. Tell your husband good luck on his case."
Oh dear, "thanks. I'll do that." I drink the whole thing in one gulp. Then I turn to Missy again, "maybe I should call a cab."
"Why not call Brad?"
"You know your cousin Charity, he's on a case."
"Oh yeah. People vs. Vickers. I heard about that one, I forgot he was working on it. Must be why Aunt Michelle is being a bitch. She hates when he's on cases."
I tried not to look at Mulder, but since Charity was sitting right next to him it was impossible. Our eyes locked for a moment before I made myself look away. I turned to Missy, "im staying at your place tonight. Im too far gone to go home."
"Ok. But Charity's staying too. It'll be crowded."
"I'll take the couch, you and Missy can share the bed. You are sisters."
"I'll go call a cab." I said taking the first escape I could find. Hoping, no praying, that Mulder wouldn't follow. But I don't have that sort of luck, or God has something against people who marry those they're not in love with.
"Scully…er…Dana."
"No, I asked you a long time ago, Scully. It doesn't change."
"But you have a last name now."
"But im still a Scully, blood wise. Is there something you wanted?"
"To talk. We haven't talked in a long time."
"I know, I've been really busy with work, and I hardly ever come over to Missy's anymore."
"Or your finally avoiding me."
"Why would I avoid you Mulder? You've been my best friend since I moved here."
"Im not sure, but remember Scully, I use to be one of the best profilers the FBI had, before I became Spooky Mulder from the basement."
"I haven't forgotten." I dialed the cab company's number and told them where to get us. "Im not avoiding you Mulder." I lied. "It's just things have gotten more--"
"Complicated."
"I was going to say stressful, but complicated works."
He nodded, then changed the subject seeing as we were both pretty uncomfortable, "I thought you said you'd never let her sing again."
"Who? Missy? Oh, well, I thought what the hey, it's been a while since we've come to O'Brian's, why not for old times sakes. Missy said you were on a case. How'd it go?"
"Oh, you know. Same old, same old."
"I'd like to hear about it."
"Only you would."
"Well, I break the mold. Always have."
"And that's why we are such good friends. Two odd balls."
I chuckled, "new partner yet?"
"Nope, not yet. Im doing pretty good alone though."
"Obviously, I haven't had to operate on you yet."
"Yeah, they never send me to Memorial for some reason. Usually its Georgetown Medical."
"Ah, I see. I thought you were avoiding me."
"I would never." He jokes.
Missy comes running up, "cabs here Dana. You want to come now, or stay here and talk?"
I looked at Mulder, not really wanting to leave but knowing that I really couldn't stay either, I would risk letting my little secret out. "Yeah Missy, im beat. I'll be there in a second, tell the guy to wait."
She nods understandingly and leaves.
"Im sorry we couldn't talk longer Mulder, I've got to go."
"I understand, I'll see you some other time then."
"Yeah, some other time."
~**~**~**~
4 months later:
Brad won his case, and now he's on another one. Mom and dad left from the house a little while ago, and he actually made a point to spend some time with us before going back to his work. I understand, it's his job, he loves it. I do the same thing with mine.
I see something out of the corner of my eye and look up to see my dad standing in front of me. "Ahab, what are you doing here? Where's mom?"
He opens his mouth and starts to say something but no words come out, it's all very strange. The phone rings and I move to pick it up, when I look back at where dad was standing he was gone. "Hello?"
"Dana…" mom's shaking voice said into the phone, "its mom."
"Mom…what's wrong?"
"It's your father…" The rest of the conversation was a blur.
~**~**~**~
Missy's apartment
I don't know why I didn't go to Brad, maybe because in my heart I knew he couldn't help me…only family could…and maybe Mulder…but that's irrelevant. I just left from the hospital, mom looked horrible, she'd been crying like crazy, and I had too, all of us had. I called Bill and Charlie, and from what I could hear they both cried as well, but they wouldn't say it outright.
Missy went to her apartment a little while ago, she left before I did, I told her to go. She looked worse than I did, and I told her I would take care of mom. She protested for a long time before she finally broke and agreed to go home, if I would come when I left mom. She said she would call Brad and let him know what had happened.
I just knocked on her door, only to find out it wasn't her door. It was Mulder's. Maybe I just wasn't paying attention, maybe it was some unconscious act, maybe it was because I could barley see through the tears, but I was pretty shocked when he answered the door. "Oh, im sorry Mulder. I didn't wake you did I? I knocked on the wrong door." I said through the tears.
"No, remember, insomniac. Scully, what's wrong? What happened?"
"My dad, he's…he died tonight."
He wrapped his arms around me, "Dana…im so sorry. Are you alright?"
"Not at the moment, but I will be…in time. Time heals all wounds right?"
"No it doesn't, time is a bitch that only makes things harder, trust me I know."
"That's really encouraging. Thanks a lot."
"I just don't want you thinking that things will get better with time, because it doesn't work out that way. It never really goes away…it just becomes a part of life. Im so sorry about your dad Dana, is there anything that I can do?"
"No, I just need to see Missy right now. Im sorry for knocking on your door, I didn't mean--"
He kissed my forehead, "don't be sorry Scully. Just go see your sister."
I smiled sadly at him, "yeah. Ok." I turned from the door and knocked on Missy's. She answered with a tear streaked face. I wrapped my arms around her and more tears came falling. We walked inside the apartment and I looked back at Mulder one more time before closing the door.
We talked of our memories of Ahab for hours before we fell asleep on her couch.
~**~**~**~
The funeral was almost to much to bear, and mom nearly fell apart when they started to play beyond the sea, I hate seeing her like this. After the funeral I told Brad to go on home and I stayed and talked to the dad, to the sea. After that I went to Missy's, I couldn't go home, it wouldn't comfort me. Being with Missy would though.
Before I knocked on her door the door to Mulder's apartment opened. He looked at me with a sad smile, "how was the funeral?"
"It was very nice, considering it was a funeral…what am I saying, I hated it…God, I miss my father so much."
"You want to talk?"
Although I knew better than to I agreed. We went into his apartment and sat of the sofa. "Wow, this place hasn't changed a bit."
"I imagine it never will."
"Well, it's good to know some things never change."
We got on the subject of my dad, talking about when I was younger, his work, every little memory that I had. And I finally got up the nerve to tell him what I saw, "Mulder I have to ask you something."
"Shoot."
"I know this is going to sound strange, especially coming from me. Well maybe it won't sound strange to you…with your line of work and all."
"Scully, just tell me."
"Before my mom called, and when I say before, I mean within 5 seconds of, I saw my dad. He was in our house, right before me. He was talking but I couldn't hear him. And when mom called I looked away and when I looked back he was gone."
"I don't know what to tell you that you'll believe."
"You think I saw his ghost."
"Yes I do."
"I don't believe in ghost though Mulder."
"Do you believe you saw him?"
"Yeah."
"Then that's all that matters."
~**~**~**~
23 months later
Missy and Mom haven't left my side for hours, I was surprised when mom said she was going to let them terminate the life support, but it does say that in my will. I was even more surprised to find out that the reason they didn't do it was Mulder. And that he was the one who basically saved my life.
The door opens and I expect to see Brad walk in, but its Mulder. He hands me some sort of gift, a tapped football game, how like him, and we talk for a second before he turns to leave.
"Mulder--" I call out, he turns and looks at me, "I had strength in your beliefs."
He comes back to the bed and takes something out of my pocket, then places it in my hand, it's my cross. I hadn't even noticed I wasn't still wearing it. He looks at me with the same look he gave me when he overheard me telling Missy of my engagement, and then walks out the door. I put the cross back on turn to Missy.
"What happened?"
"This man, Duane Barry, thought he was going to be up ducted by aliens and if he gave them somebody else they would leave him alone."
"So I was in the wrong place at the wrong time?"
"Yeah, and Mulder felt so bad about it, it was his job to keep Barry from hurting anybody, and then he goes and kidnaps the person he lo--er--his best friend."
Mom looks at Missy with her eyebrow raised then looks to me for a reaction to what Missy almost said. She's about to say something when Brad walks in, her and Missy leave the room.
"Hey hon, how are you feeling?"
"I've had better days, but im alive. That's what matters right?"
He takes my hand into his, "I was so worried Dana."
"Well, im back. Nothing to worry about anymore."
"I hope so."
I smiled halfheartedly and gave his hand a squeeze. I closed my eyes and was soon sleeping.
~**~**~**~
2 days later
I was sleeping when he came in, I only woke up because I felt somebody grab my hand. I opened my eyes, "what are you doing here? Visiting hours ended a long time ago."
"I've got connections. How are you doing?"
"Im fine."
"Although I don't believe that that's not really what I wanted to talk about. Do you remember anything?"
"No, nothing at all. Why?"
"You were missing for three months Scully, that's a long time to be gone."
I looked away, "I know. I wish I could remember something, but all I remember is seeing you and my sister, and a nurse that they tell me doesn't work here. It's strange."
"Don't try and push yourself to remember, it'll come in time. If not, you can always try hypnotic regression."
"I don't know Mulder, that's a bit of a stretch."
"It worked for me Scully."
I looked back at him, "I know Mulder, but, im not sure if I want to remember."
He didn't say anything, just sat there and looked at me for the longest time. And I didn't break the gaze either. Neither one of us actually spoke but our actions said so much. He was lightly rubbing my hand with his thumb and at that moment I actually felt that saying yes to Brad was the biggest mistake I could have made. I wanted to tell him how I felt but I knew that I couldn't leave Brad, I said yes to him im not going to ask for a divorce. When things got to real he kissed me on the cheek and then left. I missed him immediately.
I cried myself to sleep that night.
~**~**~**~
3 months later:
I can't believe it, just when I thought my life couldn't possibly get worse reality bites me in the ass, and my sister is lying in a coma, probably never to wake again. Why you might ask.
Me.
You see, I operated on a woman last spring, she didn't make it. Her husband found this as a reason to have a vendetta against me, a strong enough one to want to kill me. I don't know how he got into my house, but somehow he did. I wasn't home, and Missy had stopped by to surprise me on the anniversary of the day I moved to Georgetown. My sister was mistaken for me and now she lies in a hospital bed.
Because of me.
God I feel so horrible.
I didn't even realize where I was until I was sitting in his apartment.
"Scully, what's wrong?"
"Missy…she's in a coma."
"Oh, God, Scully. What happened?"
"She…she came to see me. He shot her."
"Who?"
"A patient of mine didn't make it through surgery, her husband wanted to get even. Somehow he got into my house, I wasn't home, neither was Brad. We'd gone out. She came over to surprise me, it's the anniversary of the day I moved here. He shot her, because there was bad blood between us. There was nothing I could've done for his wife, they're going to try and do surgery on Missy, her brain is swelling. God, what if she dies."
He pulls me into an embrace, "it'll be ok Scully."
"No…I don't think that it will."
Missy died during surgery the next day, the swelling in her brain was worse than they had thought. I was sitting in her room, in front of a newly made hospital bed. She was gone. Mulder came in and I told him what happened. He sat next to me and let me cry on his shoulder.
My sister's dead because of me.
~**~**~**~
8 months later:
It took me forever to fall asleep that night, I just couldn't get over the fact that that guy was dead. He was dead, but somehow he was standing in front of me. He'd tried to kill me. But what did he mean by 'you've got something I want?' I don't understand. It's strange that with all that I just went though I don't understand what he meant by I've got something he wants. Not the fact that this guy had died, twice.
Brad's not here now, he's working, and I don't think he'll even come to bed tonight.
I wake up coughing like crazy, and I move in bed, only to feel something wet on my face. I turn on a light and wipe the area under my nose where the feeling came from. Blood. I look at the bed and see a small stain on it.
Oh God, I understand now. Mulder was right, he needed cancer to live. I have something he needed, I have cancer.
~**~**~**~
14 months later:
He did it yet again, I was looking into the face of death, its icy fingers were gripping my wrist and pulling, and he brought me back. He's saved my life once more. This time from a battle with cancer…I don't know how he did it but he did. And I really wish he would come in here. But, somehow I don't think he's going to do that. Not while Brad is here.
I really thought I was going to die, and the horrible part about it was while I was fighting the cancer instead of writing letters to Brad I wrote them to Mulder, I'll never give them to him, but I wrote them no less.
I wish Missy was here, she would help me make sense of all of this. She always knew what I was thinking, she could always help me through things like this.
After everybody leaves--well, after I make them leave--Mulder comes in and sits next to my bed. My mind travels to just a few days before when he came into my room late one night and cried. Of course I didn't let him know that I heard him, I pretended that I was asleep, I told him about it in one of those letters he'll never read. He looks at me with the puppy dog look. "Hey."
"Hey."
"How you feeling?"
"Good, thanks to you."
"I couldn't let you die."
"You'll still believe that I was abducted by the government don't you?"
"How do you explain where I found your cure? How do you explain the chip, those women you met, the cancer? Everything you remembered."
"I don't want to explain it Mulder." I say tears running down my cheeks, "the fact is im scared as hell right know, and I can't believe it, I wouldn't be able to deal with it."
"Scully, you are the strongest person I know. Whenever I go off the deep end you help me back. You have to believe in what you remember."
"I want to believe…I just don't know if I can."
"I'll help you, 100%, I'll help you believe. The truth is Scully, you're the only person I have left, my fathers gone, my mother could care less, you're the only person I can turn to. I want to be the person that you turn to when you can't turn to Brad, or your mother."
"You already are."
~**~**~**~
2 months later
I've come here at least once a month since Missy died, Charity and I get smashed and sing Karaoke. It's our little tribute to Missy. A way of saying we love her. Tonight I don't think I'll sing Karaoke though. Im too drunk to even do that.
I order a vodka on the rocks, which I've only done once before, and Mulder comes in and sits next to me.
"It's the 5th isn't it?"
"Yep. 2 years to the day." I ask the bartender for another drink, he declines saying I've had too much.
"He's right. You're way to far gone to have another drink. Let me take you guys home."
Charity nods her head and Mulder takes us out to his car, I sit in the front and she sits in the back, he takes her home first and then starts to drive me home.
"No."
"What?"
"I can't be there. I can't be where she died, not today. Not today."
"Ok, you can crash at my place. I'll sleep on the couch."
"Don't be ridiculous, im so drunk I will be asleep before my head hit's the pillow. I won't even notice."
"No, I sleep on the couch most of the time anyway. You can take the bed, I'll be fine."
Not wanting to argue I agree. As much as it pains me to see where Missy use to live it would be just to much if I went home, and I think Brad knows I won't come home tonight, I think he knows I can't. I told him where I was going when I left last night, I stayed with mom before meeting Charity at O'Brian's for our monthly ritual. At 11:21pm on the 5th of every month we come and sing another song. Not much in the way of compensation, but it helps ease the pain to know she's probably laughing her ass off at us while we sing. We sound worse than when her and Charity would.
Mulder shows me into his apartment and leads me into his room, I crawl under the covers and he turns to leave. "Mulder, can you stay with me. At least until I fall asleep? Please?"
"Sure." He sits in a chair by the bed.
"I don't want you to be uncomfortable, you can stay on the bed until I fall asleep. I won't try anything, I promise. Im far to drunk for something like that."
He chuckles softly and lays on the bed next to me. With him next to me I fall into a restful sleep.
~**~**~**~
The next morning
I woke up with the worse hangover ever. I staggered out of the bed and into the living room, Mulder was sitting on the couch watching TV. "Hey, what time is it?"
"Close to 10."
"Really? Brad's probably worried. Do you know where my cell phone is?"
"Check you coat."
"That would be the plausible thing to do."
He laughed and I searched my pocket for my phone, I found it and called Brad to let him know that I was ok, I had just gotten pretty drunk the night before, and really didn't feel like being home. He understood, and I wondered that if I had told him I'd stayed at Mulder's he would've been as understanding. He already didn't like him because I spent a lot of my free time with him.
After I called him I sat next to Mulder on the couch, "thanks for letting me stay."
"You don't have to thank me. I was happy to let you stay, I understand how you feel. How's your headache?"
"Horrible. It'll go away though, they always do."
"You want me to take you home now?"
"Not at this exact moment. I'd like to stay and talk. You don't mind do you?"
"Of course not. What do you want to talk about?"
I stayed at his house talking until 8 o'clock that night. Needless to say, Brad wasn't to happy about it.
~**~**~**~
1 month later:
I don't know exactly why I came over, I hadn't seen him in awhile, maybe that was it. It was late, after 2 in the morning, but I knew he would be awake. I spent awhile looking at the door of apartment 43 before I finally knocked on his. And when he did he looked at my shivering, wet, form with worry. "Scully…what's wrong? It's pouring outside, why'd you come?"
"I wanted to talk."
"Come in." He placed his hand on the small of my back and led me into his room, pulled out a t-shirt and pair of sweatpants and told me to change into them, if not I would catch pneumonia, I should know that im a doctor.
I rolled my eyes at him and changed in his bathroom, when I came into the living room he handed me a cup of coffee.
"So, what is it you wanted to talk about?"
"I don't know. I just woke up and couldn't sleep."
"Where was Brad?"
I didn't want to talk to Brad you fool. Why do you think I never talk to Brad? Brad's always busy with his damn work. And Im not in love with Brad. Sure I love him, but im not 'in' love with him. "He was working on a case."
"Is he ever not?"
"Sometimes, for about 2 days, then he's on another case."
"Don't you ever get tired of him being on a case?"
"All the time, but I just come here. You're good company."
"Glad you think so."
"Mulder, on a serious note, have you ever wondered what would have happened if I hadn't married Brad? I mean, between you and I? Do you think we would've you know, dated."
"Guess we'll never know. You never really know what might have been."
"I know, but, if I hadn't married him. Would you have at least tried to get me to go on a date with you?"
"Yes I would've. Would you have gone on a date with me?"
"Yes."
"Do you love him?"
"Excuse me?"
"Brad, do you love him?"
"Yes."
Mulder looked away.
"But im not in love with him."
He looked back at me, and something flashed in his eyes. He moved closer to me, I knew what he was going to do but I made no move to stop what was inevitable. Then, his lips were on mine. I knew I shouldn't be doing what I was doing, but I couldn't stop myself. The kiss turned started small but I deepened it. I finally regained enough sense to push him off of me. "Im sorry. Im so sorry." I blurted out, "I shouldn't have done that. I can't do this."
"I kissed you."
"I kissed you back. I've got to go." I grabbed my clothes and purse and ran out the door, leaving Mulder dumbstruck.
~**~**~**~
I knocked on moms door for the third time, and she answers it tying her robe. "Dana. What is it?"
"Oh, mom. I did something bad, something very bad."
"Come in, tell me about it." She lead me into the living room and we sat down on the couch. I told her about what happened and when I was done she just looked at me.
"You should've told me you didn't love him."
"I know, but I do love Brad. Im just not in love with him, not like Mulder. It's different the way I feel about Mulder…I don't think I could live without him in my life, whereas I know that if I didn't have Brad I would go on. Oh, mom. What have I done?"
"Something that was bound to happen from the beginning, if you both had the same feelings."
"How will I ever face him again? Or Brad for that matter?"
"Well, honey, if you've been married to him and haven't been in love with him but with another man this whole time then not much will change around him. But I don't know what to tell you about being around Fox, maybe you can put it past you. Maybe it'll hang in the air forever."
"You're a comfort."
"Im just telling you the truth."
"I know mom, and the truth might just be too much to bear."
~**~**~**~
Well, I did it. Against Missy's judgment, and mine as well, I married Brad. We've been married two months now, and I've been very happy with him, but im not IN love with him. I do love him, I wouldn't have married him otherwise, and I know he loves me, but I can't shake my feelings for Mulder. I sometimes cry myself to sleep at night, and Brad always asks me about it, I never give him a straight answer, I normally just change the subject. I can tell he doesn't like me being distant, but I can't tell him my reasons.
I've asked Missy to move to a different apartment, and she very adamantly said no, ok so maybe it's not that adamant of her to say no but of me to ask in the first place, she very efficiently pointed out to me that if I couldn't stand being around Mulder because of my feelings for him then I shouldn't have married Brad in the first place.
I hate it when she's right.
But Mulder had ever opportunity, even if he had came to me while Brad and I were engaged I would have broke it off. I can't get the look on his face when I left Missy's apartment that night out of my mind, and it drives me crazy.
I've ceased going to O'Brian's. Unless Missy tells me that Mulder's on a case. It's still her and my little place to go when our world's are upside down, but only if Mulder's not in town. If he is we go to a bar by Brian and my house, called McIntyre's. But it's not the same as O'Brian's.
O'Brian's is where we are right now. Brad--who recently became the AD when his uncle retired--is on a very important case dealing with a serial rapist. And I know not to be around when he's on a case that big, he gets so focused on it, so I retreat to Missy's and my little world of beer.
For old times sake I let her get drunk enough to sing Karaoke. And since Charity met us up here they agree immediately.
"Does he love me I want to know, how can I tell if he loves me so." Missy belts out.
"Is it in his eyes." Charity sings, softer, but just as horrible.
I--having had a few drinks myself--bolt out with laughter.
"Oh no, you'll be deceived." Missy sings, way off key.
"Is it in his smile." Charity sings back, her voice shrill.
"Oh no, that's make believe."
"How do you know if he loves you so, it's in his kiss."
"That's where it is."
I almost fell of my stool with laughter, and I looked over at the bartender, he was laughing just as hard.
"Is that your sister?" He asked.
"The redhead is."
"I haven't seen you two here in a while. How come you don't come anymore?"
To my dismay at that exact moment Mulder walked into the bar, I looked over at Missy and gave her a look that would kill, she smiled and went on singing.
"In his warm embrace?"
"Oh, no, that's just his arm." Charity replied.
I looked at them in horror before turning back to the bartender, trying desperately not to let Mulder know I had noticed him. "Well, I don't spend as much time with my sister as I use too, so we have less time to come here."
"Because you got married?"
"Yeah, how did you know?"
"That huge rock on your finger gave it away. So, who's the lucky man."
"Brad Turner."
"The AD?"
"Yeah."
"He's trying that case against Vickers, the rapist right? It's all over the news."
"Yeah, that's why im here with Missy. He's working, and when he gets involved with a case of this magnitude the rest of the world disappears. He doesn't even accept phone calls from his mother."
"That's understandable."
Missy and Charity came bouncing back to their stools, and to my horror Charity notices Mulder and starts to talk to him. Of course, she doesn't know that I love him, I made Missy swear never to say anything, to anyone. Not even mom.
"Vodka on the rocks please." I pleaded with the bartender.
Charity looked at me strangely, "vodka on the rocks? That's new for you Dana."
"You only live once right." I say nervously, then I look over at Missy. "That was horrible."
"Your fault, you let me get drunk."
"Yeah, yeah. I know, my fault. How are we going to get home?"
"Good question."
The bartender brings me my drink, "on the house. Tell your husband good luck on his case."
Oh dear, "thanks. I'll do that." I drink the whole thing in one gulp. Then I turn to Missy again, "maybe I should call a cab."
"Why not call Brad?"
"You know your cousin Charity, he's on a case."
"Oh yeah. People vs. Vickers. I heard about that one, I forgot he was working on it. Must be why Aunt Michelle is being a bitch. She hates when he's on cases."
I tried not to look at Mulder, but since Charity was sitting right next to him it was impossible. Our eyes locked for a moment before I made myself look away. I turned to Missy, "im staying at your place tonight. Im too far gone to go home."
"Ok. But Charity's staying too. It'll be crowded."
"I'll take the couch, you and Missy can share the bed. You are sisters."
"I'll go call a cab." I said taking the first escape I could find. Hoping, no praying, that Mulder wouldn't follow. But I don't have that sort of luck, or God has something against people who marry those they're not in love with.
"Scully…er…Dana."
"No, I asked you a long time ago, Scully. It doesn't change."
"But you have a last name now."
"But im still a Scully, blood wise. Is there something you wanted?"
"To talk. We haven't talked in a long time."
"I know, I've been really busy with work, and I hardly ever come over to Missy's anymore."
"Or your finally avoiding me."
"Why would I avoid you Mulder? You've been my best friend since I moved here."
"Im not sure, but remember Scully, I use to be one of the best profilers the FBI had, before I became Spooky Mulder from the basement."
"I haven't forgotten." I dialed the cab company's number and told them where to get us. "Im not avoiding you Mulder." I lied. "It's just things have gotten more--"
"Complicated."
"I was going to say stressful, but complicated works."
He nodded, then changed the subject seeing as we were both pretty uncomfortable, "I thought you said you'd never let her sing again."
"Who? Missy? Oh, well, I thought what the hey, it's been a while since we've come to O'Brian's, why not for old times sakes. Missy said you were on a case. How'd it go?"
"Oh, you know. Same old, same old."
"I'd like to hear about it."
"Only you would."
"Well, I break the mold. Always have."
"And that's why we are such good friends. Two odd balls."
I chuckled, "new partner yet?"
"Nope, not yet. Im doing pretty good alone though."
"Obviously, I haven't had to operate on you yet."
"Yeah, they never send me to Memorial for some reason. Usually its Georgetown Medical."
"Ah, I see. I thought you were avoiding me."
"I would never." He jokes.
Missy comes running up, "cabs here Dana. You want to come now, or stay here and talk?"
I looked at Mulder, not really wanting to leave but knowing that I really couldn't stay either, I would risk letting my little secret out. "Yeah Missy, im beat. I'll be there in a second, tell the guy to wait."
She nods understandingly and leaves.
"Im sorry we couldn't talk longer Mulder, I've got to go."
"I understand, I'll see you some other time then."
"Yeah, some other time."
~**~**~**~
4 months later:
Brad won his case, and now he's on another one. Mom and dad left from the house a little while ago, and he actually made a point to spend some time with us before going back to his work. I understand, it's his job, he loves it. I do the same thing with mine.
I see something out of the corner of my eye and look up to see my dad standing in front of me. "Ahab, what are you doing here? Where's mom?"
He opens his mouth and starts to say something but no words come out, it's all very strange. The phone rings and I move to pick it up, when I look back at where dad was standing he was gone. "Hello?"
"Dana…" mom's shaking voice said into the phone, "its mom."
"Mom…what's wrong?"
"It's your father…" The rest of the conversation was a blur.
~**~**~**~
Missy's apartment
I don't know why I didn't go to Brad, maybe because in my heart I knew he couldn't help me…only family could…and maybe Mulder…but that's irrelevant. I just left from the hospital, mom looked horrible, she'd been crying like crazy, and I had too, all of us had. I called Bill and Charlie, and from what I could hear they both cried as well, but they wouldn't say it outright.
Missy went to her apartment a little while ago, she left before I did, I told her to go. She looked worse than I did, and I told her I would take care of mom. She protested for a long time before she finally broke and agreed to go home, if I would come when I left mom. She said she would call Brad and let him know what had happened.
I just knocked on her door, only to find out it wasn't her door. It was Mulder's. Maybe I just wasn't paying attention, maybe it was some unconscious act, maybe it was because I could barley see through the tears, but I was pretty shocked when he answered the door. "Oh, im sorry Mulder. I didn't wake you did I? I knocked on the wrong door." I said through the tears.
"No, remember, insomniac. Scully, what's wrong? What happened?"
"My dad, he's…he died tonight."
He wrapped his arms around me, "Dana…im so sorry. Are you alright?"
"Not at the moment, but I will be…in time. Time heals all wounds right?"
"No it doesn't, time is a bitch that only makes things harder, trust me I know."
"That's really encouraging. Thanks a lot."
"I just don't want you thinking that things will get better with time, because it doesn't work out that way. It never really goes away…it just becomes a part of life. Im so sorry about your dad Dana, is there anything that I can do?"
"No, I just need to see Missy right now. Im sorry for knocking on your door, I didn't mean--"
He kissed my forehead, "don't be sorry Scully. Just go see your sister."
I smiled sadly at him, "yeah. Ok." I turned from the door and knocked on Missy's. She answered with a tear streaked face. I wrapped my arms around her and more tears came falling. We walked inside the apartment and I looked back at Mulder one more time before closing the door.
We talked of our memories of Ahab for hours before we fell asleep on her couch.
~**~**~**~
The funeral was almost to much to bear, and mom nearly fell apart when they started to play beyond the sea, I hate seeing her like this. After the funeral I told Brad to go on home and I stayed and talked to the dad, to the sea. After that I went to Missy's, I couldn't go home, it wouldn't comfort me. Being with Missy would though.
Before I knocked on her door the door to Mulder's apartment opened. He looked at me with a sad smile, "how was the funeral?"
"It was very nice, considering it was a funeral…what am I saying, I hated it…God, I miss my father so much."
"You want to talk?"
Although I knew better than to I agreed. We went into his apartment and sat of the sofa. "Wow, this place hasn't changed a bit."
"I imagine it never will."
"Well, it's good to know some things never change."
We got on the subject of my dad, talking about when I was younger, his work, every little memory that I had. And I finally got up the nerve to tell him what I saw, "Mulder I have to ask you something."
"Shoot."
"I know this is going to sound strange, especially coming from me. Well maybe it won't sound strange to you…with your line of work and all."
"Scully, just tell me."
"Before my mom called, and when I say before, I mean within 5 seconds of, I saw my dad. He was in our house, right before me. He was talking but I couldn't hear him. And when mom called I looked away and when I looked back he was gone."
"I don't know what to tell you that you'll believe."
"You think I saw his ghost."
"Yes I do."
"I don't believe in ghost though Mulder."
"Do you believe you saw him?"
"Yeah."
"Then that's all that matters."
~**~**~**~
23 months later
Missy and Mom haven't left my side for hours, I was surprised when mom said she was going to let them terminate the life support, but it does say that in my will. I was even more surprised to find out that the reason they didn't do it was Mulder. And that he was the one who basically saved my life.
The door opens and I expect to see Brad walk in, but its Mulder. He hands me some sort of gift, a tapped football game, how like him, and we talk for a second before he turns to leave.
"Mulder--" I call out, he turns and looks at me, "I had strength in your beliefs."
He comes back to the bed and takes something out of my pocket, then places it in my hand, it's my cross. I hadn't even noticed I wasn't still wearing it. He looks at me with the same look he gave me when he overheard me telling Missy of my engagement, and then walks out the door. I put the cross back on turn to Missy.
"What happened?"
"This man, Duane Barry, thought he was going to be up ducted by aliens and if he gave them somebody else they would leave him alone."
"So I was in the wrong place at the wrong time?"
"Yeah, and Mulder felt so bad about it, it was his job to keep Barry from hurting anybody, and then he goes and kidnaps the person he lo--er--his best friend."
Mom looks at Missy with her eyebrow raised then looks to me for a reaction to what Missy almost said. She's about to say something when Brad walks in, her and Missy leave the room.
"Hey hon, how are you feeling?"
"I've had better days, but im alive. That's what matters right?"
He takes my hand into his, "I was so worried Dana."
"Well, im back. Nothing to worry about anymore."
"I hope so."
I smiled halfheartedly and gave his hand a squeeze. I closed my eyes and was soon sleeping.
~**~**~**~
2 days later
I was sleeping when he came in, I only woke up because I felt somebody grab my hand. I opened my eyes, "what are you doing here? Visiting hours ended a long time ago."
"I've got connections. How are you doing?"
"Im fine."
"Although I don't believe that that's not really what I wanted to talk about. Do you remember anything?"
"No, nothing at all. Why?"
"You were missing for three months Scully, that's a long time to be gone."
I looked away, "I know. I wish I could remember something, but all I remember is seeing you and my sister, and a nurse that they tell me doesn't work here. It's strange."
"Don't try and push yourself to remember, it'll come in time. If not, you can always try hypnotic regression."
"I don't know Mulder, that's a bit of a stretch."
"It worked for me Scully."
I looked back at him, "I know Mulder, but, im not sure if I want to remember."
He didn't say anything, just sat there and looked at me for the longest time. And I didn't break the gaze either. Neither one of us actually spoke but our actions said so much. He was lightly rubbing my hand with his thumb and at that moment I actually felt that saying yes to Brad was the biggest mistake I could have made. I wanted to tell him how I felt but I knew that I couldn't leave Brad, I said yes to him im not going to ask for a divorce. When things got to real he kissed me on the cheek and then left. I missed him immediately.
I cried myself to sleep that night.
~**~**~**~
3 months later:
I can't believe it, just when I thought my life couldn't possibly get worse reality bites me in the ass, and my sister is lying in a coma, probably never to wake again. Why you might ask.
Me.
You see, I operated on a woman last spring, she didn't make it. Her husband found this as a reason to have a vendetta against me, a strong enough one to want to kill me. I don't know how he got into my house, but somehow he did. I wasn't home, and Missy had stopped by to surprise me on the anniversary of the day I moved to Georgetown. My sister was mistaken for me and now she lies in a hospital bed.
Because of me.
God I feel so horrible.
I didn't even realize where I was until I was sitting in his apartment.
"Scully, what's wrong?"
"Missy…she's in a coma."
"Oh, God, Scully. What happened?"
"She…she came to see me. He shot her."
"Who?"
"A patient of mine didn't make it through surgery, her husband wanted to get even. Somehow he got into my house, I wasn't home, neither was Brad. We'd gone out. She came over to surprise me, it's the anniversary of the day I moved here. He shot her, because there was bad blood between us. There was nothing I could've done for his wife, they're going to try and do surgery on Missy, her brain is swelling. God, what if she dies."
He pulls me into an embrace, "it'll be ok Scully."
"No…I don't think that it will."
Missy died during surgery the next day, the swelling in her brain was worse than they had thought. I was sitting in her room, in front of a newly made hospital bed. She was gone. Mulder came in and I told him what happened. He sat next to me and let me cry on his shoulder.
My sister's dead because of me.
~**~**~**~
8 months later:
It took me forever to fall asleep that night, I just couldn't get over the fact that that guy was dead. He was dead, but somehow he was standing in front of me. He'd tried to kill me. But what did he mean by 'you've got something I want?' I don't understand. It's strange that with all that I just went though I don't understand what he meant by I've got something he wants. Not the fact that this guy had died, twice.
Brad's not here now, he's working, and I don't think he'll even come to bed tonight.
I wake up coughing like crazy, and I move in bed, only to feel something wet on my face. I turn on a light and wipe the area under my nose where the feeling came from. Blood. I look at the bed and see a small stain on it.
Oh God, I understand now. Mulder was right, he needed cancer to live. I have something he needed, I have cancer.
~**~**~**~
14 months later:
He did it yet again, I was looking into the face of death, its icy fingers were gripping my wrist and pulling, and he brought me back. He's saved my life once more. This time from a battle with cancer…I don't know how he did it but he did. And I really wish he would come in here. But, somehow I don't think he's going to do that. Not while Brad is here.
I really thought I was going to die, and the horrible part about it was while I was fighting the cancer instead of writing letters to Brad I wrote them to Mulder, I'll never give them to him, but I wrote them no less.
I wish Missy was here, she would help me make sense of all of this. She always knew what I was thinking, she could always help me through things like this.
After everybody leaves--well, after I make them leave--Mulder comes in and sits next to my bed. My mind travels to just a few days before when he came into my room late one night and cried. Of course I didn't let him know that I heard him, I pretended that I was asleep, I told him about it in one of those letters he'll never read. He looks at me with the puppy dog look. "Hey."
"Hey."
"How you feeling?"
"Good, thanks to you."
"I couldn't let you die."
"You'll still believe that I was abducted by the government don't you?"
"How do you explain where I found your cure? How do you explain the chip, those women you met, the cancer? Everything you remembered."
"I don't want to explain it Mulder." I say tears running down my cheeks, "the fact is im scared as hell right know, and I can't believe it, I wouldn't be able to deal with it."
"Scully, you are the strongest person I know. Whenever I go off the deep end you help me back. You have to believe in what you remember."
"I want to believe…I just don't know if I can."
"I'll help you, 100%, I'll help you believe. The truth is Scully, you're the only person I have left, my fathers gone, my mother could care less, you're the only person I can turn to. I want to be the person that you turn to when you can't turn to Brad, or your mother."
"You already are."
~**~**~**~
2 months later
I've come here at least once a month since Missy died, Charity and I get smashed and sing Karaoke. It's our little tribute to Missy. A way of saying we love her. Tonight I don't think I'll sing Karaoke though. Im too drunk to even do that.
I order a vodka on the rocks, which I've only done once before, and Mulder comes in and sits next to me.
"It's the 5th isn't it?"
"Yep. 2 years to the day." I ask the bartender for another drink, he declines saying I've had too much.
"He's right. You're way to far gone to have another drink. Let me take you guys home."
Charity nods her head and Mulder takes us out to his car, I sit in the front and she sits in the back, he takes her home first and then starts to drive me home.
"No."
"What?"
"I can't be there. I can't be where she died, not today. Not today."
"Ok, you can crash at my place. I'll sleep on the couch."
"Don't be ridiculous, im so drunk I will be asleep before my head hit's the pillow. I won't even notice."
"No, I sleep on the couch most of the time anyway. You can take the bed, I'll be fine."
Not wanting to argue I agree. As much as it pains me to see where Missy use to live it would be just to much if I went home, and I think Brad knows I won't come home tonight, I think he knows I can't. I told him where I was going when I left last night, I stayed with mom before meeting Charity at O'Brian's for our monthly ritual. At 11:21pm on the 5th of every month we come and sing another song. Not much in the way of compensation, but it helps ease the pain to know she's probably laughing her ass off at us while we sing. We sound worse than when her and Charity would.
Mulder shows me into his apartment and leads me into his room, I crawl under the covers and he turns to leave. "Mulder, can you stay with me. At least until I fall asleep? Please?"
"Sure." He sits in a chair by the bed.
"I don't want you to be uncomfortable, you can stay on the bed until I fall asleep. I won't try anything, I promise. Im far to drunk for something like that."
He chuckles softly and lays on the bed next to me. With him next to me I fall into a restful sleep.
~**~**~**~
The next morning
I woke up with the worse hangover ever. I staggered out of the bed and into the living room, Mulder was sitting on the couch watching TV. "Hey, what time is it?"
"Close to 10."
"Really? Brad's probably worried. Do you know where my cell phone is?"
"Check you coat."
"That would be the plausible thing to do."
He laughed and I searched my pocket for my phone, I found it and called Brad to let him know that I was ok, I had just gotten pretty drunk the night before, and really didn't feel like being home. He understood, and I wondered that if I had told him I'd stayed at Mulder's he would've been as understanding. He already didn't like him because I spent a lot of my free time with him.
After I called him I sat next to Mulder on the couch, "thanks for letting me stay."
"You don't have to thank me. I was happy to let you stay, I understand how you feel. How's your headache?"
"Horrible. It'll go away though, they always do."
"You want me to take you home now?"
"Not at this exact moment. I'd like to stay and talk. You don't mind do you?"
"Of course not. What do you want to talk about?"
I stayed at his house talking until 8 o'clock that night. Needless to say, Brad wasn't to happy about it.
~**~**~**~
1 month later:
I don't know exactly why I came over, I hadn't seen him in awhile, maybe that was it. It was late, after 2 in the morning, but I knew he would be awake. I spent awhile looking at the door of apartment 43 before I finally knocked on his. And when he did he looked at my shivering, wet, form with worry. "Scully…what's wrong? It's pouring outside, why'd you come?"
"I wanted to talk."
"Come in." He placed his hand on the small of my back and led me into his room, pulled out a t-shirt and pair of sweatpants and told me to change into them, if not I would catch pneumonia, I should know that im a doctor.
I rolled my eyes at him and changed in his bathroom, when I came into the living room he handed me a cup of coffee.
"So, what is it you wanted to talk about?"
"I don't know. I just woke up and couldn't sleep."
"Where was Brad?"
I didn't want to talk to Brad you fool. Why do you think I never talk to Brad? Brad's always busy with his damn work. And Im not in love with Brad. Sure I love him, but im not 'in' love with him. "He was working on a case."
"Is he ever not?"
"Sometimes, for about 2 days, then he's on another case."
"Don't you ever get tired of him being on a case?"
"All the time, but I just come here. You're good company."
"Glad you think so."
"Mulder, on a serious note, have you ever wondered what would have happened if I hadn't married Brad? I mean, between you and I? Do you think we would've you know, dated."
"Guess we'll never know. You never really know what might have been."
"I know, but, if I hadn't married him. Would you have at least tried to get me to go on a date with you?"
"Yes I would've. Would you have gone on a date with me?"
"Yes."
"Do you love him?"
"Excuse me?"
"Brad, do you love him?"
"Yes."
Mulder looked away.
"But im not in love with him."
He looked back at me, and something flashed in his eyes. He moved closer to me, I knew what he was going to do but I made no move to stop what was inevitable. Then, his lips were on mine. I knew I shouldn't be doing what I was doing, but I couldn't stop myself. The kiss turned started small but I deepened it. I finally regained enough sense to push him off of me. "Im sorry. Im so sorry." I blurted out, "I shouldn't have done that. I can't do this."
"I kissed you."
"I kissed you back. I've got to go." I grabbed my clothes and purse and ran out the door, leaving Mulder dumbstruck.
~**~**~**~
I knocked on moms door for the third time, and she answers it tying her robe. "Dana. What is it?"
"Oh, mom. I did something bad, something very bad."
"Come in, tell me about it." She lead me into the living room and we sat down on the couch. I told her about what happened and when I was done she just looked at me.
"You should've told me you didn't love him."
"I know, but I do love Brad. Im just not in love with him, not like Mulder. It's different the way I feel about Mulder…I don't think I could live without him in my life, whereas I know that if I didn't have Brad I would go on. Oh, mom. What have I done?"
"Something that was bound to happen from the beginning, if you both had the same feelings."
"How will I ever face him again? Or Brad for that matter?"
"Well, honey, if you've been married to him and haven't been in love with him but with another man this whole time then not much will change around him. But I don't know what to tell you about being around Fox, maybe you can put it past you. Maybe it'll hang in the air forever."
"You're a comfort."
"Im just telling you the truth."
"I know mom, and the truth might just be too much to bear."
~**~**~**~
