Authors note: Hiya how you all doin? Still with me? Or have we got frustrated with the boring fic and have moved on?? If your there give me a shout and let me know how all this is going!! Hehe, well im stuck, Really stuck, this is my attempt to get me out of the hole ive been diggin for myself, but it seems to have made it worse. DAMNIT!! See what you think.

here goes.

Chap 12

"Ow."

"Spike!"

"Ow"

"What are you trying to do!"

"Ow."

"Reopen your wound?"

"Ow."

"Stop it!"

"BLOODY HELL!."

I rush across the room to his side at the edge of the bed where he is attempting to put a shirt on but with little success.

"Why didn't you call me?" I reach forward, facing him and lift the shirt up around his back and help him slowly ease his arms into the sleeves of the tight black shirt.

"Thanks luv." His voice is gruff and instantly sends shivers up my spine.

It has been a week since he woke up and nothing has been mentioned about what I said. All I can hope is that he defiantly didn't hear me.

He looks up towards me and his gaze catches mine and for a split second I can't move, I am completely paralysed to the spot. How can he have such control over me?

I blink. Once. Twice.

And then realise the close proximity between the two of us. I can feel his hot breath on my shoulder and I am suddenly filled with the urge to kiss him.

But I won't.

No matter how hard I tell myself "Just kiss him, see what happens." I never will because I'm scared. Scared of what rejection feels like.

He coughs and suddenly my limbs are free once more and I find myself leaping up and making a hasty retreat to the door.

"Want a cup of tea?" I call over my shoulder.

"No pet, I'm fine with the one you made for me five minutes ago." I can hear the sarcasm in his voice and that just makes me speed up more.

******

How close can you get?

Just that innocent touch of her hands on my arms, her thigh rested against mine as she kneels on one knee in front of me is enough to send me over the edge.

If she had stayed that close to me any longer I don't know how long I could have lasted before pouncing on her there and then despite the pain it would have caused.

God I need a shower. A long, cold shower.

I yawn lazily wishing I had a better night sleep than I had had for the past few nights.

I keep dreaming.

And it's the same dream night after night after night.

The one that includes the Angel. The Angel that spoke to me, as I lay unconscious, as I lay practically dead in Buffy's room.

The one that told me she loves me.

What a hallucination that was!

The worse thing is that I keep believe the voice is Buffy's, that Buffy is talking to me, telling me her undying love.

But now I know it is just my head that's talking.

Bloody hell.

I am too obsessed.

******

Warm hands touch my arms and fire burns through my skin, racing through my veins like molten lava.

And I yet I shiver.

I shut my eyes and swallow hard as the hands are taken away and suddenly I feel deprived of everything good in this world.

Wish he would stop doing that.

I glare at his back as he limps past me towards the fridge but instantly my eyes soften as he glances towards me and smirks his familiar sarcastic smile.

That's when my knees go weak and I have to grip the work counter to stop myself falling to the ground.

"How's patrol? Everything quiet? No big nasties about to rip open this hellmouth?" He questions, while munching on some cornflakes.

"Same old, same old. Nothing major, just a couple of vamps here and there." I smile back.

"Wish I could be out there patrolling with you" Is that concern I see in his eyes?

"Well as soon as your healed I'm sure there'll be nothing stopping you."

"Aye."

I glance up at the clock. 10:00 AM.

"SHIT!" I gasp, grabbing my jacket from the back of the kitchen chair and tripping over the mat in the process. Stumbling, I manage to regain footing and start running towards the front door.

"What is it?" I hear Spike make a move to get up and he yelps in pain.

"Interview in 10 minutes!! You ok?" I holler over my shoulder.

"Yeah just go will you!"

******

She never told me she had an interview.

She never tells me anything anymore.

Mind you she never did tell me much back in good old sunny hell. How long ago that seems to be when really six months ago, she was saving me from myself, saving my soul.

I remember what it was like then. Yes there was a lot of shit going on what with Caleb and the First but she pulled through like she always did and never let her guard down. She remained strong even when the walls were crumbling in around her.

But she showed me the truth.

With just one look from her I knew she was dying inside. I knew she couldn't stand the pain anymore.

And the more her heart broke, the more my heart bled. Because there was shit all I could do about it. My mind casts back to that fateful day

"I love you." She says it so softly, my heart strings pull and for a moment I believe her. All I can feel is her hand in mine.

"No, you don't. But thanks for saying it." I know she doesn't mean it and when I push her away, she takes my heart with her.

Now that was months ago. So long in fact it seems like a dream, just a distant dream of a timeless nightmare that haunted both our sleeps. Yet still her words linger in my head. And still I wish they were real.

******

"Buffy Summers?"

"Yes?"

"Mrs Pinkle will see you now"

I rise from my seat, my folder clutched to my chest as I silently pray that this lovely woman will give me the job I so desperately need.

"Good morning." I smile and hold out my hand to Mrs Pinkle.

"Hello Buffy. Take a seat" She smiles warmly and I hope she's in a good mood.

"So Buffy, tell me about yourself?"

"Well I'm hardworking, full of energy and eager to please. I have a sister, Dawn, who has just turned 17 and I've been looking after her on my own since my mom died a few years back." We won't mention the councillors.

"Right well that sounds good. What makes you think that you are suited for the position here at Summersdown nursery?"

"Well eh, I like kids." This was the only job that offered me an interview. "I feel I need to pass on my learning to other children, give them opportunities that I could not have."

"Ok. And you're happy to work with toddlers?"

"Yes." I mean how hard could it be?

******

"How'd it go then?" I turn the TV off as she enters the room, eager to hear if my little slayer got her job.

My? Where did that come from? She ain't mine and never will be.

"Ok, surprisingly, considering I don't exactly have any qualifications."

"Good."

"And you? How are you coping?"

"Fine." How much does that hurt my pride?

BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

I pick up the phone beside me. "Hi."

"Uh, Hi, Spike? It's Willow, is Buffy around?"

"Get her for you now." And I pass the phone over, her fingers lingering on my hand for a split second, if only it was longer. "It's red."

"Hey Will!" A smile lightens her features. She should smile more often.

I sit and listen to the conversation a bit longer.

"No I can't come out, well not tonight anyway"

And why the hell not?

"I can't leave Spike can I?" She tries to say it quietly but she can't escape my vampiric hearing. "Yes you bloody can!" I shout from the sofa. "Red, she's coming out!" I continue to yell.

She glares at me but I can see the sparkle of excitement in her eyes.

******

Suddenly I am wishing I had stayed quiet.

I swallow slowly and try to peel my eyes away from the sight before me but I can't no matter how hard I try.

There she stands in a red halter dress that stops short well above the knee.

Oh. My. God.

This time I manage to shut my eyes. If I am reacting like this, me being a red blooded male, then how the hell are all the other guys going to react!

******

Just say it Spike, one little word, and I won't leave tonight.

Just say that you're in pain, or you don't want to be alone and I'll stay. Gladly.

But the more I pray for him to say something the more time passes by and he hasn't said a word.

"So bye then." I mutter.

"Bye."

I turn to leave but then go back. "Sure you don't need anything?"

"No, you go have fun." He has his back to me and seems a little stiff.

"Not hungry? Cause I could make you something before I go?"

"And ruin your pretty little dress? No go"

"What about company? You wont be lonely right cause - "

"BUFFY!"

"Ok Ok, I'm going."

And so I leave the house with only one thing on my mind.

The fact that I need to move on. I need to get Spike out of my head.

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