"Run-Around Sue"

~or~

"Yet Another Shitty Matrix Song-Fic / Mary-Sue Pisstake"

by "ladydeakin"

(With Apologies to Dion and the Belmonts)

DISCLAIMER: I fully expect to have my fingers chopped off after writing this, because none of these characters belong to me. They all belong to their respective copyright holders. I don't want sued (or to be a sue, or to turn into a sue), but probably will be now.

Setting:

It's a dark and stormy night in the Matrix. The air has a feeling of malice, discontent, upset. Someone, somewhere is in trouble. As the camera pans over the street, with a greenish glow emitted from the streetlights, a flicker of blue neon catches the eye of the cinematographer and he zooms in on the building in question.

The building is the Blue Note Club. And it's karaoke night.

A black car pulls up outside, parking along the kerb. Morpheus, Trinity, Neo and Mary-Sue get out. Mary-Sue is the newest member of the Nebuchadnezzar. She's got long wavy blonde hair that cascades down her shoulders effortlessly, big brown eyes, a perfect, petite figure that is neatly packaged in a gorgeous flared black leather corset-dress. She speaks five languages, can hack into the Matrix effortlessly, and made the jump the first time. She's the long-lost half-sister of Mouse (God rest his rodent soul), and was recently freed from the Matrix because the Oracle told Neo that he would not be able to complete the prophecy because he needed help. Mary was the only one who would give him this help, but upon meeting her Neo fell madly in love with her, forgetting Trinity and embarking on a passionate affair with Mary. Needless to say, Trinity hates Mary. With a vengeance. Mary, of course, is oblivious to this.

* * *

MORPHEUS: "This is the place."

MARY-SUE: "Like, Neo, why are we, like, going to a karaoke night? Karaoke sucks!"

TRINITY mumbles something under her breath that sounds suspiciously like, "no more than you do on an average first date…"

NEO shoots TRINITY a dirty look, then says, "They have really good noodles."

MARY-SUE: "Ohmigod! I loOoOooOoOvE noodles! You're the best, Neo!" She stands on her tippy-toes and gives Neo a big wet sloppy kiss. TRINITY gags.

They all go inside and sit down. As they order, they listen to some appallingly bad covers. COMMANDER LOCKE is here and he is singing "Endless Love" to a bored NIOBE who is glancing in MORPHEUS' direction. THE TWINS are contemplating singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" at another table.

MORPHEUS: "It would seem this place has quite a reputation. All the best people have come for noodles."

NEO: "How did they find this place?"

MORPHEUS: "I showed them the door on a street-level map. They were the ones who walked through it."

NEO: "Oh," he says, pausing for a second to let that sink in. "Cool."

MARY-SUE: "Wow, Morphy, that's like, really deep!" MORPHEUS' eyes grow wide as he realises someone is rubbing their foot against his leg under the table. He hopes that it's NEO and not MARY.

TRINITY mumbles under her breath something that sounds like, "…about as deep as a kiddies' wading pool." She glances around and sees a lone figure at a table detached from all the others. He has his back to the rest of the crowd and is hunched over the table. He is dressed in a black suit, with impeccable auburn hair.

TRINITY can't quite make out who that reminds her of. She opens up her mouth to say something but sees NEO and MARY making out and decides to keep her mouth shut.

The waitress comes with their orders and sets them down. NEO and MARY are sharing a portion and have a "Lady and the Tramp" moment where they end up eating the same noodle and their lips touch. TRINITY has no appetite. MORPHEUS has excused himself to go talk to NIOBE and COMMANDER LOCKE.

TRINITY feels the hair on the back of her neck stand up. Out of the corner of her eye she sees someone take the stage. Turning to look, she feels frozen with fear when she recognizes who it is.

AGENT SMITH is standing on the stage. He has the microphone in one hand and a Kleenex in the other. His suit lapel has snot-stains on it. He is frowning more than usual.

AGENT SMITH: (Singing)

"Here's my story sad but true.

It's about a girl that I once knew.

She took my love than ran around.

With every single guy in town."

Three Smith-Clones (THE SMITHS) appear from seemingly nowhere to do the backing vocals. They snap their fingers and sway their shoulders in unison along with the music.

AGENT SMITH (singing):

"Ah I should have known it from the very start.

This girl will leave me with a broken heart.

Now listen people what I'm telling you.

A-keep away from-a run-around Sue."

MARY-SUE (upon seeing SMITH on stage): "Adrian!" she exclaims, jumping up from the table. NEO sees whose singing and his face falls.

NEO: (to MARY) "THAT is Adrian? Your ex-boyfriend?!?" MARY nods sheepishly. TRINITY is laughing her ass off to herself.

SMITH starts to get into it. THE SMITHS do hand gestures behind him

AGENT SMITH (singing):

"I miss her lips and the smile on her face.

The touch of her hair and this girl's warm embrace.

So if you don't wanna cry like I do.

A-keep away from-a run-around Sue."

NEO goes walking up towards the stage. SMITH sees him and MARY-SUE together and jumps down off of the stage, taking the mic with him. THE SMITHS stay on stage for the time being, still doing backing vocals.

SMITH gets right up in NEO's face. He directs the next lines to NEO.

AGENT SMITH (Singing):

"Ah she likes to travel around.

She'll love you but she'll put you down.

Mr. Anderson, let me put you wise." (Points towards MARY)

"Sue goes out with other guys."

"Here's the moral of the story from the guy who knows." (Points to self)

I fell in love and my love still grows.

Ask any fool that she ever knew, they'll say.

Keep away from-a run-around Sue.

THE SMITHS are still doing their backing vocals and gestures on stage.

MARY-SUE: (goes running up to SMITH and tries to put her arms around him) "Adrian… you know I still love you! Like, I'm just playing around! You know you're like, the only one for me!"

NEO (To MARY) "Is this true????"

SMITH shoots her a dirty look and delivers a punch that sends her flying across the room. NEO, having observed her little outburst in SMITH's direction, is thoroughly pissed off. He takes the mic from SMITH.

NEO (singing):

"She likes to travel around!

She'll love you but she'll put you down.

Now people let me put you wise.

Sue goes out with other guys."

SMITH joins NEO for a duet on the final bars.

SMITH and NEO (singing):

"Here's the moral of the story from the guys who know.

We fell in love and our love still grows.

Ask any fool that she ever knew, they'll say,

Keep away from-a run-around Sue."

THE SMITHS, NEO and SMITH all join in on the backing vocals.

MARY-SUE, like a woman possessed, crawls out of the heap of tables that she fell into and starts screaming her head off.

MARY-SUE: "But WHY??? I love you, Neo! Adrian! Come on! Please? Like, come on guys!" SMITH and NEO give her dirty looks and keep up with the backing outro vocals. By now the whole place is clapping and singing along. MARY goes from table to table looking for sympathy and finds none. She ends up in the middle of the room, stomping her foot on the floor, crying and howling about how unfair it is.

Out of nowhere, TRINITY appears, gun drawn. She puts it to MARY's head.

TRINITY: "Dodge this."

TRINITY fires, killing MARY with a single shot. The music stops and there is silence. Everyone starts applauding.

SMITH and NEO smile at each other, a moment of friendship passing between them.

SMITH: "Well done, Mr. Anderson."

NEO: "Thanks… Adrian."

SMITH growls and cracks his neck. He lamps NEO one in the face. THE SMITHS come down off of the stage and join in the ensuing bar brawl. Life is back to normal in the Matrix. For now.

Fin.