Well, s***. There went the notion of getting comfortable.
"You are dead meat!" She pulled back her hand.
"Honey, you really don't want my meat to be dead, now do you?" Jack asked cajolingly. Think quickly, man, think... Ah, channel Marshall. "Wouldn't you rather my meat be alive and pulsing, beating--- Well, since you're finally here I don't need to beat my meat, but if you'd like to take a stab- -- No, wait. You're knife is over there. And this is really more of a blunt instrument, after all. So that won't work. Unless you prefer a blunt instrument and I do believe you do..."
She blinked at him and rubbed her temple, where her head was suddenly pounding. "What the hell.... Where were we?"
"Dead meat," Katya said helpfully.
He smiled at his wife as her fist hit the pillow he had quickly pulled to cover his midsection. Thank god for quick reflexes, he thought as he felt the thud reverberate throughout his torso even with the pillow cushioning the blow. Looking at her, he smiled again, enjoying himself as he asked eagerly, "Are you going to use that strength for good instead of evil later? I'd be willing to---"
"Why did you kiss her back?" Irina asked, trying to pull the pillow away from him. Trying to ignore his offer, which threatened, once again, to make her smile. His ability to make her laugh in the middle of an argument had saved his life more times than she cared to remember.
He tugged back, debated about letting it go just to watch her fall on her butt. But no, the glass was behind her and he didn't want to spend the night picking glass out of her ass. He'd much rather find something else to do with her ass. He looked up and grinned, before realizing that might be a mistake as he said, "I was... curious." That was as good an explanation as any the writers might come up with.
"About what?" Irina snarled, finally wresting the pillow away from him. Then she looked at it quizzically. What the hell did she want with the pillow anyway? Where was her knife, she thought, as she patted down her leg. Oh, yeah. She had thrown it into the bedroom door. She winced, Jack was ticked about that. Maybe she'd just leave it there for now. Later, however.... She smiled, anticipating the fun, as always, of the knife game.
"Having fun thoughts?" Jack asked, grinning. "I was thinking about this pillow and using it to raise-"
"Jack." She began to smile in return, then looked away to gain composure. Then firming her lips she said sternly, "There will be no fun of any kind until you answer my question. About what were you curious? What did you want to know when you kissed my sister?"
"Not gonna let that go, are you?" He sighed. "I wanted to see -- in the interests of... scientific research of course---"
"Of course." Irina rolled her eyes and vowed she would not smile.
"Yes. You see, I wanted to ascertain if there were any other family resemblances than a smart mouth, an intriguing accent and a propensity for inflicting serious bodily damage with knives. I mean, what were you doing when you were kids when you should have been playing with an Easy Bake Oven? Playing with the Easy Head-Off Knife Kit? You know, in Canada we just played hockey. Good clean violent fun." Let's see if she'd get the tiniest bit distracted....
"But it's just a game, hockey. You don't get anything from it," Irina noted. "You need to gain something for your efforts from every---"
"Sometimes you just have to have fun, Irina. And besides, I learned some of my best moves in hockey." He sighed. She was still giving him a skeptical look. Well, that hadn't worked. Her tenacity, when not applied correctly, as in the bedroom or hopefully on the top of that bar, was becoming annoying. He sighed. "Honey, you're suspicious? I'm so surprised. But... Alright, the truth is... I kissed her back because she tasted, kissed like you. It must be genetic, you know---"
She looked at the pillow. Ah. That's what it was good for. She slammed him on the head with it.
He laughed. Laughed! Where was her knife! She ground her teeth as he continued, "So, I could pretend it was you if I closed my eyes - which I do when I'm kissing anyone, including of course, you. Only you! Generally speaking, that is ---"
"Jack!" She lifted the pillow again.
"I thought that was a good one," Jack sighed. With a swift movement, he snatched the pillow away from her. Sitting back, he put the pillow and his hands behind his head on the back cushions of the couch. "Oh well. Give me whatever punishment you want. I can handle it."
"Well, I can certainly dish it out, if you're not willing, Irina--" Katya said loudly and clearly.
"Jack..." Irina sighed, congratulating herself on ignoring her sister. Belatedly realizing that for some reason Katya was trying to push her buttons. She just had to ascertain the reason why. Katya always had a reason. She was never one to torture someone for no good reason. Well, not a family member, anyway. Then she sighed, it could be just for the fun of it. Katya was the big tease in the family. An overdeveloped sense of humor, their mother had once called it. Elena had called it annoying. Before throwing the smallest sister across the room. Throwing Jack across the room was sounding like an excellent idea too, she decided, as she watched him smile smugly at Katya. "Jack! I know what you're doing. So shut up. This is between me and my sister."
"But I'm starting to get the feeling that I'm in the middle of some... issue that will concern me---"
"And... you." Irina turned back to her sister. "Again. Explain what possessed you to kiss my husband. If you dare."
"My, I'm so nervous. What is next? Are you going to hit number one on your speed dial, call our mother and tell on me like you did when we were children?"
"Irina was a snitch?" Jack asked, surprised.
"Absolutely." Katya nodded. "Amazingly...snitch-like. 'Mommy! Mommy! Katya and Elena'---"
"Only in Russian." Jack nodded too. "You know Irina, I've had a hard day and at the rate we're going, it's unfortunately not going to get any harder. So do me a favor and amuse me. Imitate yourself and say that in Russian for me like when you were a little girl. Mommy.... Oh and make sure to use that whine that Katya put in her voice, if you don't mind a little direction...."
"Shut up. I don't care to amuse you at my expense---"
"Let me finish the story, if you won't let Jack tell you what he wants. Which, speaking woman to woman, seems like a mistake to me, but..." Katya shrugged. "Your loss. Now, where were we? Oh yes, your amazing snitch-like qualities. In fact----"
"You deserved it! You were supposed to be taking care of me ---"
"Oh but I did, that one time when it really counted. And that's why I'm here, you owe me, don't you?"
Irina stopped breathing for a second and Jack stared at her curiously as red flushed her face and she spoke rapidly. "One time. Perhaps. Most of the time you hardly protected me. Instead you'd do... I remember that time we were behind the warehouse ---"
"Doing what?" Jack asked curiously.
"Oh, looking for spent shell casings." Irina shrugged. "You know, regular children's playtime activities."
"Yeah. In hell. But do go on, I'm fascinated. What a charming bedtime story. Tell me more."
"We were behind the warehouse, which had this steep hill behind it. Covered with litter and broken glass--"
"Let me guess." Jack rolled his eyes. "Vodka bottle glass."
"What else? And she conned me into sliding down that hill on a piece of cardboard as if it were a toboggan in winter!" Irina glared at her sister.
Jack thought, hmm. So, Katya is, as we've seen tonight, good at manipulating her sister. He asked quickly, "Was Elena that good at conning you into dubious activities?"
"No. Just her. Katya can manipulate anyone and anything! Even---"
"That's an interesting tidbit to know about her. The ability to manipulate is a valuable one." Jack looked at Katya and nodded. She looked back at him and nodded very slightly, which Irina failed to notice as Jack continued, asking brightly, "Now, does that apply to individual... parts as well as the entire person?" Jack asked, grinning. Just what was she doing, what was the point of her manipulation of her sister this time. "Once again, I'm curious.... Scientific research and all...."
"Jack! You're just trying to annoy me."
"And it's working. I have to take these small pleasures since I'm clearly not getting any big ones anytime soon."
Irina counted to ten. In several languages. Then taking a deep breath she continued the story. "So. That slide down that hill. That's where I got that scar on my knee - you know the one."
"Yes, I do. I do believe I am acquainted with every scar on your body," Jack said, leering at his wife. "I'll kiss it later and make it feel better."
"So you will." Irina smiled. Then glaring at her sister, she added., "And I have another scar on my lower back from another time when she---"
"This is..." Katya yawned elaborately. "Quite boring. Child's play. Surely you are over your... insecurities from childhood."
"My what?"
"Insecurities. You remember - being so tall and skinny that no boy would look at you twice?"
Jack shook his head. "Soviet men must be blind then, Irina. I always thought you were beautiful." He had decided that as amusing as this had been, perhaps it was time to try and steer these proceedings to a halt. If he could. Maybe he was just along for the ride. He had a feeling that the collateral damage - to him - might be more than he wanted. He need to conserve his energy, after all. Irina would probably keep him up most of the night, but he had a busy day tomorrow after she skipped out, per usual, after he fell asleep. Valentine's Day was coming up and he was meeting a contact to order her a custom-made grenade launcher. He'd like to get to bed or whatever surface they might be sleeping on tonight, if they slept, sooner rather than later. Then looking over at his wife's tense face, he added softly as he took her hand and rubbed the center of her palm with his thumb, "Do you remember, what I told you on our wedding day? That you would always be the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, because once I saw you I never saw another woman?"
Irina smiled at her husband and began to relax again, when Katya spoke up. "Very nice, Jack. And ah yes, sister, I do recall you telling us how... facile Jack was with his words. Or was it - excuse me if I am confused. American English. All those nuances, shadings of meanings. Was it that Jack was good with his words or was it that Jack was good with his mouth?"
"Kat---"
"Oh well, it makes no difference. I.." She licked her lips, "Have reason to know he's quite good with both. Now. Now that he's kissed me back."
"Jack, explain to me again why---"
"Honey, I'm not going to get drawn into this argument. I'm just not."
"What--- Why not?"
"Irina.. My wife, my darling. I love you, but every day for almost ten years, we argued about... something. You like to argue. Arguing is a hobby of yours, one I have a faint inkling your sister also shares. And given how stubborn you are, you won't give up an argument even when it's in your best interests to just keep your mouth shut, like now.... Given that...given that she's goading you to argue with you, not me - I'm just taking cover. After all, I'm just an innocent bystander in this Derevko family drive by--- "
"That kiss did not feel entirely innocent to me," Katya said, licking her lips. "It felt---"
"Felt... what?" Irina hissed.
"Well... he does taste good--"
"He tastes what?" Irina exclaimed, moving in her sister's direction, then trying to twist away from Jack when he pulled her back to him.
"Good. G-O-O-D. Should I speak in Russian so that you can understand?"
"No. I get your point! I just don't understand... your point."
"My point..." Katya paused. "And I do have more than one, is that, as you know, because surely you've kissed him tonight---" She paused when Jack shook his head.
"Nope. Just got a knife to my throat when I came home. No kiss." He paused to pout. Then sighed, that usually worked, but she was being stubborn right now. Oh well. "And may I say, wife, that there is something seriously twisted---"
"Jack, I'm going to seriously twist your---"
"Please, don't." Katya urged. "What a waste when I haven't yet---"
"Jack! Will you help--"
"I'm neutral. Like Switzerland. She's your sister. Not mine. Because that would be truly seriously twisted."
Irina laughed and relaxed.
Jack smiled back at her. "And I'm also thinking that I'm glad Sydney was an only child if this is what sibling rivalry in this family is like. So... I might as well get comfortable. Wake me when it's over---"
"Wake you!" Irina said. "How can you sleep---"
"Oh, you may be right. You want to get me a drink?"
"Get you a what?" Irina asked indignantly, hands on her hips. "Do you think I'm a waitress or---"
"No, of course not. But when we were married, occasionally you actually gave me something..."
"I gave you... something nearly every night we were married for all those years, might I remind you? But at the rate you're going tonight, you'd be lucky to get two fingers of whiskey from me---"
"Would you be satisfied with just two fingers?" Jack asked, grinning.
"Well, I know I wouldn't..." Katya said as she approached Jack lying on the couch. "Here, Jack." She handed him a tumbler. "The way you like it, I believe."
"How did you know that?" Irina hissed, glaring at Jack. As if it were his fault, somehow. Somehow, he sighed, he supposed it was. It was always the man's fault, a lesson learned long ago during their marriage.
"I'm staying out of this," Jack said, sipping his drink.
"I know what he drinks because I pay attention. Details, remember those, details? When I came to Sydney's apartment the first night, he was reading Alice in Wonderland and drinking ---"
"Those details are not for you to notice about him." Irina swiped the glass from his hand and stomping across the room refilled it. He held out his hand, then dropped it when she drained it in one gulp. She filled it yet again and finally gave it to him. He drained it in one gulp. He had a feeling he was going to prefer being slightly drunk by the time this evening ended. Getting up, he went over to the bar and picked up the bottle. Hmm. Half full or half empty? What a stupid question. Shortly, it was going to be empty. He carried it back over to the couch and sat down as Katya continued speaking. Didn't she ever shut up? Irina didn't tell him enough, but this one... He sighed and poured himself two fingers. Nope, let's go for three.
"Oh really? Besides you are not always so careful with your own details."
"Such as?" Irina asked, standing next to the house, the pile of glass still between her and her sister.
"Keeping track of time, for one thing." Katya shrugged. "I told you to not rely on those Rambadli devices--"
"It's Rambald, Rambaldi, not Rambadli! How many times do I have to tell you?"
"How many times do I have to tell you that I'm not interested in bad science fiction?" Katya shrugged. "Why use Rambadli to tell time when a good Rolex or even a twenty dollar Timex or a calendar would do the trick. But if you don't know how to do a... trick, perhaps you need to refer to your old textbooks and notes from the academy. I believe our mother still has them in the attic. Want to give her a call?"
Irina lunged at her sister, stopped by Jack's arm on hers. "Honey..." Jack hissed, pulling her back toward him. Looking up at Katya, he said, "Excuse us?" Katya nodded and stepped back, moving to pour herself a drink from a different bottle.
"Good selection here, Jack. I do appreciate a man who is well...stocked."
Irina growled and Jack put a hand on her other arm as he asked, "Irina...did she always do this to you... push your buttons?"
"Yes! I was the smarter one, but she always knew how to play me, from the time we were little children---"
"She's doing that now, you realize. It's just sibling rivalry. Probably the oldest game in the world. Find out what she really wants, if it's anything other than to annoy you."
"I know that!"
"Then act on it. Don't you want her out of here? I know I do..." Jack whispered, running a finger down her arm. "Sooner rather than later." He picked up her hand and kissed it. "I made a drawer for you in my nightstand in the bedroom and filled it with all sorts of interesting toys and I've just been waiting -- so long, I might add -- for you to visit and open that drawer, so---"
Irina straightened and began speaking rapidly. "What are you doing here? Certainly you have better ways to spend your time than taunting me and ogling my husband."
"Would I?" Katya said calmly, sipping her own drink. "Seems as if it's time well spent to me. How about you?"
Jack looked up wondering if Irina's head was really going to explode. It certainly looked like it might. And that would be the kind of mess his carpet shampooer might not be capable of handling . He might have to call in professionals for that and that would violate his security protocols. He shuddered. That was unacceptable, but Irina had to deal with her sister on her own. Mrs. Derevko had told him that it was time Irina learned how to handle Katya. He had agreed. He squeezed Irina's hand in encouragement.
"Jack..." Irina looked at him imploringly.
"Switzerland. Cuckoo clocks, chocolate, untraceable bank accounts."
"Jack, I'll cuckoo you, I swear---"
"Just don't ruin my carpet with blood stains, that's all I ask." Jack picked up his drink, drained it, put the glass back down and flopped down on the couch. Turning over, his back to them, he added. "Let me know when the mayhem is over and I'll patch up whoever is still alive."
"And Arvin Sloane," Katya reminded them both. "In Switzerland. Surely, Jack that is not where you want to be."
"Arvin Sloane." Irina's lip curled. "He must die."
"I---" Jack began, starting to roll back over.
Irina spoke faster. "I call it!"
"I'll flip you for it," Jack offered.
"The last time you flipped me for something, I landed---"
"Tails down." He sighed happily as he reached out and patted her butt. "And a good time was had by all."
She stifled a grin. "Jack..."
"I'd be... up for flipping again. How about you?" Jack smiled. When Irina just smiled in return, he laid back down and turned over, sighing happily. Let's see. Knives. Flipping. And he had quite the assortment he had to show her in his drawer. No. Her drawer. No, maybe their drawer. Yes, they could share. But, then again, Irina had never been good about sharing... Hmm. He needed to think about this, he sighed, as he shifted around.
"Is he truly going to sleep?" Katya asked curiously.
Irina shrugged. "If he wants to, he can sleep through anything. As any of us can in this business. But you did not visit, uninvited I might add, to ask about my husband's sleeping patterns."
"Didn't I? But they might prove interesting. When he wakes up in the morning is he one of those men who's just... ready to face the day? Because being a morning person myself, I can appreciate that... readiness."
Irina clenched her fists. Reminded herself that they were not children anymore. She did not have to allow Katya to push her buttons. She was The Man, a feared and respected international crime leader, she was---
"You look upset, my sister. Is there anything troubling you?"
Ready to kill.
"What is troubling me is the purpose of your visit."
"Perhaps it is just a friendly visit on my family."
"And perhaps," Irina spat out derisively. "Osama bin Laden will be seen tomorrow cavorting at a Las Vegas casino with a showgirl under each arm. A bottle of Jim Bean at his elbow. Clean shaven and clean smelling."
"Stranger things have happened," Jack muttered. "Dead wives return from the dead. Mine. Sloane's. And then there's the whole molecular transponder business, which I always had trouble believing. To say nothing of Rambadli's--- Ouch!" Jack exclaimed when Irina smacked his butt. He grinned however when her hand lingered for a second or two longer than strictly necessary. "Don't like that example? How about when Sydney dove out of the hotel balcony from the eighteenth floor into a swimming pool of normal depth and didn't die."
"I thought it was the twenty-eighth floor," Katya said quizzically. "But I'm not good with numbers, remember."
"It doesn't matter. Jack, you've forgotten. Sydney can do anything."
"True. My error. I forgot that Project Christmas was really all about transforming children into Energizer Bunnies that keep going and going and going. To say nothing of the fact that when she leapt off of the balcony she didn't have the necklace on her anywhere, but later on she had it--"
"The continuity girl was on vacation, apparently," Katya nodded. "Or perhaps an extended coffee break. Union rules and all that."
Jack sat up and began to swing his feet around. "True. She and I often have coffee together when I disappear from an episode to make room for the triangle."
"If you two think you are distracting me you're not succeeding." Irina crossed her arms over her chest.
"But honey, the point of the triangle is to distract us from the fact of your absence."
"Are you saying the three-sided monster that was eating the show is all my fault?" Irina snarled. "Because I can assure you that---"
"No, no, that's not what I'm saying. I'd never say that. But... I do miss you, you know," Jack said softly.
"I miss you too," Irina said equally softly. Then turning to her sister, she demanded, "Kat, tell me now."
"Fine. I'm here because you owe me," Katya said firmly. "And I think you know how, why, and when. You just didn't know who."
"No. You cannot---"
"Family rules. The person to whom is owed the debt is the one who chooses the time, place and method of repayment."
"You cannot be serious!"
"I am completely serious. I choose Jack as my repayment."
Jack snapped to a full and upright sitting position.
"Now you pay attention?" Irina snarled at him.
"Now, it's getting interesting," Jack said, picking up the bottle.
"You are dead meat!" She pulled back her hand.
"Honey, you really don't want my meat to be dead, now do you?" Jack asked cajolingly. Think quickly, man, think... Ah, channel Marshall. "Wouldn't you rather my meat be alive and pulsing, beating--- Well, since you're finally here I don't need to beat my meat, but if you'd like to take a stab- -- No, wait. You're knife is over there. And this is really more of a blunt instrument, after all. So that won't work. Unless you prefer a blunt instrument and I do believe you do..."
She blinked at him and rubbed her temple, where her head was suddenly pounding. "What the hell.... Where were we?"
"Dead meat," Katya said helpfully.
He smiled at his wife as her fist hit the pillow he had quickly pulled to cover his midsection. Thank god for quick reflexes, he thought as he felt the thud reverberate throughout his torso even with the pillow cushioning the blow. Looking at her, he smiled again, enjoying himself as he asked eagerly, "Are you going to use that strength for good instead of evil later? I'd be willing to---"
"Why did you kiss her back?" Irina asked, trying to pull the pillow away from him. Trying to ignore his offer, which threatened, once again, to make her smile. His ability to make her laugh in the middle of an argument had saved his life more times than she cared to remember.
He tugged back, debated about letting it go just to watch her fall on her butt. But no, the glass was behind her and he didn't want to spend the night picking glass out of her ass. He'd much rather find something else to do with her ass. He looked up and grinned, before realizing that might be a mistake as he said, "I was... curious." That was as good an explanation as any the writers might come up with.
"About what?" Irina snarled, finally wresting the pillow away from him. Then she looked at it quizzically. What the hell did she want with the pillow anyway? Where was her knife, she thought, as she patted down her leg. Oh, yeah. She had thrown it into the bedroom door. She winced, Jack was ticked about that. Maybe she'd just leave it there for now. Later, however.... She smiled, anticipating the fun, as always, of the knife game.
"Having fun thoughts?" Jack asked, grinning. "I was thinking about this pillow and using it to raise-"
"Jack." She began to smile in return, then looked away to gain composure. Then firming her lips she said sternly, "There will be no fun of any kind until you answer my question. About what were you curious? What did you want to know when you kissed my sister?"
"Not gonna let that go, are you?" He sighed. "I wanted to see -- in the interests of... scientific research of course---"
"Of course." Irina rolled her eyes and vowed she would not smile.
"Yes. You see, I wanted to ascertain if there were any other family resemblances than a smart mouth, an intriguing accent and a propensity for inflicting serious bodily damage with knives. I mean, what were you doing when you were kids when you should have been playing with an Easy Bake Oven? Playing with the Easy Head-Off Knife Kit? You know, in Canada we just played hockey. Good clean violent fun." Let's see if she'd get the tiniest bit distracted....
"But it's just a game, hockey. You don't get anything from it," Irina noted. "You need to gain something for your efforts from every---"
"Sometimes you just have to have fun, Irina. And besides, I learned some of my best moves in hockey." He sighed. She was still giving him a skeptical look. Well, that hadn't worked. Her tenacity, when not applied correctly, as in the bedroom or hopefully on the top of that bar, was becoming annoying. He sighed. "Honey, you're suspicious? I'm so surprised. But... Alright, the truth is... I kissed her back because she tasted, kissed like you. It must be genetic, you know---"
She looked at the pillow. Ah. That's what it was good for. She slammed him on the head with it.
He laughed. Laughed! Where was her knife! She ground her teeth as he continued, "So, I could pretend it was you if I closed my eyes - which I do when I'm kissing anyone, including of course, you. Only you! Generally speaking, that is ---"
"Jack!" She lifted the pillow again.
"I thought that was a good one," Jack sighed. With a swift movement, he snatched the pillow away from her. Sitting back, he put the pillow and his hands behind his head on the back cushions of the couch. "Oh well. Give me whatever punishment you want. I can handle it."
"Well, I can certainly dish it out, if you're not willing, Irina--" Katya said loudly and clearly.
"Jack..." Irina sighed, congratulating herself on ignoring her sister. Belatedly realizing that for some reason Katya was trying to push her buttons. She just had to ascertain the reason why. Katya always had a reason. She was never one to torture someone for no good reason. Well, not a family member, anyway. Then she sighed, it could be just for the fun of it. Katya was the big tease in the family. An overdeveloped sense of humor, their mother had once called it. Elena had called it annoying. Before throwing the smallest sister across the room. Throwing Jack across the room was sounding like an excellent idea too, she decided, as she watched him smile smugly at Katya. "Jack! I know what you're doing. So shut up. This is between me and my sister."
"But I'm starting to get the feeling that I'm in the middle of some... issue that will concern me---"
"And... you." Irina turned back to her sister. "Again. Explain what possessed you to kiss my husband. If you dare."
"My, I'm so nervous. What is next? Are you going to hit number one on your speed dial, call our mother and tell on me like you did when we were children?"
"Irina was a snitch?" Jack asked, surprised.
"Absolutely." Katya nodded. "Amazingly...snitch-like. 'Mommy! Mommy! Katya and Elena'---"
"Only in Russian." Jack nodded too. "You know Irina, I've had a hard day and at the rate we're going, it's unfortunately not going to get any harder. So do me a favor and amuse me. Imitate yourself and say that in Russian for me like when you were a little girl. Mommy.... Oh and make sure to use that whine that Katya put in her voice, if you don't mind a little direction...."
"Shut up. I don't care to amuse you at my expense---"
"Let me finish the story, if you won't let Jack tell you what he wants. Which, speaking woman to woman, seems like a mistake to me, but..." Katya shrugged. "Your loss. Now, where were we? Oh yes, your amazing snitch-like qualities. In fact----"
"You deserved it! You were supposed to be taking care of me ---"
"Oh but I did, that one time when it really counted. And that's why I'm here, you owe me, don't you?"
Irina stopped breathing for a second and Jack stared at her curiously as red flushed her face and she spoke rapidly. "One time. Perhaps. Most of the time you hardly protected me. Instead you'd do... I remember that time we were behind the warehouse ---"
"Doing what?" Jack asked curiously.
"Oh, looking for spent shell casings." Irina shrugged. "You know, regular children's playtime activities."
"Yeah. In hell. But do go on, I'm fascinated. What a charming bedtime story. Tell me more."
"We were behind the warehouse, which had this steep hill behind it. Covered with litter and broken glass--"
"Let me guess." Jack rolled his eyes. "Vodka bottle glass."
"What else? And she conned me into sliding down that hill on a piece of cardboard as if it were a toboggan in winter!" Irina glared at her sister.
Jack thought, hmm. So, Katya is, as we've seen tonight, good at manipulating her sister. He asked quickly, "Was Elena that good at conning you into dubious activities?"
"No. Just her. Katya can manipulate anyone and anything! Even---"
"That's an interesting tidbit to know about her. The ability to manipulate is a valuable one." Jack looked at Katya and nodded. She looked back at him and nodded very slightly, which Irina failed to notice as Jack continued, asking brightly, "Now, does that apply to individual... parts as well as the entire person?" Jack asked, grinning. Just what was she doing, what was the point of her manipulation of her sister this time. "Once again, I'm curious.... Scientific research and all...."
"Jack! You're just trying to annoy me."
"And it's working. I have to take these small pleasures since I'm clearly not getting any big ones anytime soon."
Irina counted to ten. In several languages. Then taking a deep breath she continued the story. "So. That slide down that hill. That's where I got that scar on my knee - you know the one."
"Yes, I do. I do believe I am acquainted with every scar on your body," Jack said, leering at his wife. "I'll kiss it later and make it feel better."
"So you will." Irina smiled. Then glaring at her sister, she added., "And I have another scar on my lower back from another time when she---"
"This is..." Katya yawned elaborately. "Quite boring. Child's play. Surely you are over your... insecurities from childhood."
"My what?"
"Insecurities. You remember - being so tall and skinny that no boy would look at you twice?"
Jack shook his head. "Soviet men must be blind then, Irina. I always thought you were beautiful." He had decided that as amusing as this had been, perhaps it was time to try and steer these proceedings to a halt. If he could. Maybe he was just along for the ride. He had a feeling that the collateral damage - to him - might be more than he wanted. He need to conserve his energy, after all. Irina would probably keep him up most of the night, but he had a busy day tomorrow after she skipped out, per usual, after he fell asleep. Valentine's Day was coming up and he was meeting a contact to order her a custom-made grenade launcher. He'd like to get to bed or whatever surface they might be sleeping on tonight, if they slept, sooner rather than later. Then looking over at his wife's tense face, he added softly as he took her hand and rubbed the center of her palm with his thumb, "Do you remember, what I told you on our wedding day? That you would always be the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, because once I saw you I never saw another woman?"
Irina smiled at her husband and began to relax again, when Katya spoke up. "Very nice, Jack. And ah yes, sister, I do recall you telling us how... facile Jack was with his words. Or was it - excuse me if I am confused. American English. All those nuances, shadings of meanings. Was it that Jack was good with his words or was it that Jack was good with his mouth?"
"Kat---"
"Oh well, it makes no difference. I.." She licked her lips, "Have reason to know he's quite good with both. Now. Now that he's kissed me back."
"Jack, explain to me again why---"
"Honey, I'm not going to get drawn into this argument. I'm just not."
"What--- Why not?"
"Irina.. My wife, my darling. I love you, but every day for almost ten years, we argued about... something. You like to argue. Arguing is a hobby of yours, one I have a faint inkling your sister also shares. And given how stubborn you are, you won't give up an argument even when it's in your best interests to just keep your mouth shut, like now.... Given that...given that she's goading you to argue with you, not me - I'm just taking cover. After all, I'm just an innocent bystander in this Derevko family drive by--- "
"That kiss did not feel entirely innocent to me," Katya said, licking her lips. "It felt---"
"Felt... what?" Irina hissed.
"Well... he does taste good--"
"He tastes what?" Irina exclaimed, moving in her sister's direction, then trying to twist away from Jack when he pulled her back to him.
"Good. G-O-O-D. Should I speak in Russian so that you can understand?"
"No. I get your point! I just don't understand... your point."
"My point..." Katya paused. "And I do have more than one, is that, as you know, because surely you've kissed him tonight---" She paused when Jack shook his head.
"Nope. Just got a knife to my throat when I came home. No kiss." He paused to pout. Then sighed, that usually worked, but she was being stubborn right now. Oh well. "And may I say, wife, that there is something seriously twisted---"
"Jack, I'm going to seriously twist your---"
"Please, don't." Katya urged. "What a waste when I haven't yet---"
"Jack! Will you help--"
"I'm neutral. Like Switzerland. She's your sister. Not mine. Because that would be truly seriously twisted."
Irina laughed and relaxed.
Jack smiled back at her. "And I'm also thinking that I'm glad Sydney was an only child if this is what sibling rivalry in this family is like. So... I might as well get comfortable. Wake me when it's over---"
"Wake you!" Irina said. "How can you sleep---"
"Oh, you may be right. You want to get me a drink?"
"Get you a what?" Irina asked indignantly, hands on her hips. "Do you think I'm a waitress or---"
"No, of course not. But when we were married, occasionally you actually gave me something..."
"I gave you... something nearly every night we were married for all those years, might I remind you? But at the rate you're going tonight, you'd be lucky to get two fingers of whiskey from me---"
"Would you be satisfied with just two fingers?" Jack asked, grinning.
"Well, I know I wouldn't..." Katya said as she approached Jack lying on the couch. "Here, Jack." She handed him a tumbler. "The way you like it, I believe."
"How did you know that?" Irina hissed, glaring at Jack. As if it were his fault, somehow. Somehow, he sighed, he supposed it was. It was always the man's fault, a lesson learned long ago during their marriage.
"I'm staying out of this," Jack said, sipping his drink.
"I know what he drinks because I pay attention. Details, remember those, details? When I came to Sydney's apartment the first night, he was reading Alice in Wonderland and drinking ---"
"Those details are not for you to notice about him." Irina swiped the glass from his hand and stomping across the room refilled it. He held out his hand, then dropped it when she drained it in one gulp. She filled it yet again and finally gave it to him. He drained it in one gulp. He had a feeling he was going to prefer being slightly drunk by the time this evening ended. Getting up, he went over to the bar and picked up the bottle. Hmm. Half full or half empty? What a stupid question. Shortly, it was going to be empty. He carried it back over to the couch and sat down as Katya continued speaking. Didn't she ever shut up? Irina didn't tell him enough, but this one... He sighed and poured himself two fingers. Nope, let's go for three.
"Oh really? Besides you are not always so careful with your own details."
"Such as?" Irina asked, standing next to the house, the pile of glass still between her and her sister.
"Keeping track of time, for one thing." Katya shrugged. "I told you to not rely on those Rambadli devices--"
"It's Rambald, Rambaldi, not Rambadli! How many times do I have to tell you?"
"How many times do I have to tell you that I'm not interested in bad science fiction?" Katya shrugged. "Why use Rambadli to tell time when a good Rolex or even a twenty dollar Timex or a calendar would do the trick. But if you don't know how to do a... trick, perhaps you need to refer to your old textbooks and notes from the academy. I believe our mother still has them in the attic. Want to give her a call?"
Irina lunged at her sister, stopped by Jack's arm on hers. "Honey..." Jack hissed, pulling her back toward him. Looking up at Katya, he said, "Excuse us?" Katya nodded and stepped back, moving to pour herself a drink from a different bottle.
"Good selection here, Jack. I do appreciate a man who is well...stocked."
Irina growled and Jack put a hand on her other arm as he asked, "Irina...did she always do this to you... push your buttons?"
"Yes! I was the smarter one, but she always knew how to play me, from the time we were little children---"
"She's doing that now, you realize. It's just sibling rivalry. Probably the oldest game in the world. Find out what she really wants, if it's anything other than to annoy you."
"I know that!"
"Then act on it. Don't you want her out of here? I know I do..." Jack whispered, running a finger down her arm. "Sooner rather than later." He picked up her hand and kissed it. "I made a drawer for you in my nightstand in the bedroom and filled it with all sorts of interesting toys and I've just been waiting -- so long, I might add -- for you to visit and open that drawer, so---"
Irina straightened and began speaking rapidly. "What are you doing here? Certainly you have better ways to spend your time than taunting me and ogling my husband."
"Would I?" Katya said calmly, sipping her own drink. "Seems as if it's time well spent to me. How about you?"
Jack looked up wondering if Irina's head was really going to explode. It certainly looked like it might. And that would be the kind of mess his carpet shampooer might not be capable of handling . He might have to call in professionals for that and that would violate his security protocols. He shuddered. That was unacceptable, but Irina had to deal with her sister on her own. Mrs. Derevko had told him that it was time Irina learned how to handle Katya. He had agreed. He squeezed Irina's hand in encouragement.
"Jack..." Irina looked at him imploringly.
"Switzerland. Cuckoo clocks, chocolate, untraceable bank accounts."
"Jack, I'll cuckoo you, I swear---"
"Just don't ruin my carpet with blood stains, that's all I ask." Jack picked up his drink, drained it, put the glass back down and flopped down on the couch. Turning over, his back to them, he added. "Let me know when the mayhem is over and I'll patch up whoever is still alive."
"And Arvin Sloane," Katya reminded them both. "In Switzerland. Surely, Jack that is not where you want to be."
"Arvin Sloane." Irina's lip curled. "He must die."
"I---" Jack began, starting to roll back over.
Irina spoke faster. "I call it!"
"I'll flip you for it," Jack offered.
"The last time you flipped me for something, I landed---"
"Tails down." He sighed happily as he reached out and patted her butt. "And a good time was had by all."
She stifled a grin. "Jack..."
"I'd be... up for flipping again. How about you?" Jack smiled. When Irina just smiled in return, he laid back down and turned over, sighing happily. Let's see. Knives. Flipping. And he had quite the assortment he had to show her in his drawer. No. Her drawer. No, maybe their drawer. Yes, they could share. But, then again, Irina had never been good about sharing... Hmm. He needed to think about this, he sighed, as he shifted around.
"Is he truly going to sleep?" Katya asked curiously.
Irina shrugged. "If he wants to, he can sleep through anything. As any of us can in this business. But you did not visit, uninvited I might add, to ask about my husband's sleeping patterns."
"Didn't I? But they might prove interesting. When he wakes up in the morning is he one of those men who's just... ready to face the day? Because being a morning person myself, I can appreciate that... readiness."
Irina clenched her fists. Reminded herself that they were not children anymore. She did not have to allow Katya to push her buttons. She was The Man, a feared and respected international crime leader, she was---
"You look upset, my sister. Is there anything troubling you?"
Ready to kill.
"What is troubling me is the purpose of your visit."
"Perhaps it is just a friendly visit on my family."
"And perhaps," Irina spat out derisively. "Osama bin Laden will be seen tomorrow cavorting at a Las Vegas casino with a showgirl under each arm. A bottle of Jim Bean at his elbow. Clean shaven and clean smelling."
"Stranger things have happened," Jack muttered. "Dead wives return from the dead. Mine. Sloane's. And then there's the whole molecular transponder business, which I always had trouble believing. To say nothing of Rambadli's--- Ouch!" Jack exclaimed when Irina smacked his butt. He grinned however when her hand lingered for a second or two longer than strictly necessary. "Don't like that example? How about when Sydney dove out of the hotel balcony from the eighteenth floor into a swimming pool of normal depth and didn't die."
"I thought it was the twenty-eighth floor," Katya said quizzically. "But I'm not good with numbers, remember."
"It doesn't matter. Jack, you've forgotten. Sydney can do anything."
"True. My error. I forgot that Project Christmas was really all about transforming children into Energizer Bunnies that keep going and going and going. To say nothing of the fact that when she leapt off of the balcony she didn't have the necklace on her anywhere, but later on she had it--"
"The continuity girl was on vacation, apparently," Katya nodded. "Or perhaps an extended coffee break. Union rules and all that."
Jack sat up and began to swing his feet around. "True. She and I often have coffee together when I disappear from an episode to make room for the triangle."
"If you two think you are distracting me you're not succeeding." Irina crossed her arms over her chest.
"But honey, the point of the triangle is to distract us from the fact of your absence."
"Are you saying the three-sided monster that was eating the show is all my fault?" Irina snarled. "Because I can assure you that---"
"No, no, that's not what I'm saying. I'd never say that. But... I do miss you, you know," Jack said softly.
"I miss you too," Irina said equally softly. Then turning to her sister, she demanded, "Kat, tell me now."
"Fine. I'm here because you owe me," Katya said firmly. "And I think you know how, why, and when. You just didn't know who."
"No. You cannot---"
"Family rules. The person to whom is owed the debt is the one who chooses the time, place and method of repayment."
"You cannot be serious!"
"I am completely serious. I choose Jack as my repayment."
Jack snapped to a full and upright sitting position.
"Now you pay attention?" Irina snarled at him.
"Now, it's getting interesting," Jack said, picking up the bottle.