"Now, it's getting interesting," Jack said, picking up the bottle.
"Interesting? In what way?" Irina said, glaring at him as he took a drink. Then she shook her head. "Forget it. Your opinion is neither needed nor requested in this familial negotiation."
Jack spun to face her. "Excuse me? I'm being offered up like a.. bonus prize or a perk to the winner and so you'll have to excuse me for thinking that I might have---"
Katya interjected. "I do like a man who's polite. Remember, Irina, how Mother always said there was no substitute for a man who said please and thank you. Although..." her eyes went up and down Jack once again. "I have a feeling I'll be the one saying thank you. More than once, with any luck."
"I have not agreed to this at all!" Irina slammed her hand down on the couch. "So stop putting ...your cart before his horse, counting your orgasms before they are hatched and generally---"
"Excuse ME! Again!" Jack bellowed. "I'd like to be allowed to venture an opinion as to what slot I'd like to insert my tab!"
"Tab? Slot? I do not comprehend---" Katya said, confused.
"You have not spent enough time in the cultural wasteland of America to understand their native humor. Such as it is," Irina said derisively.
"Yeah, because all of those Russian jokes about Chernobyl and standing in line for toilet paper really bring down the house, Irina." Jack smirked. Irina debated about slapping him, that smirk was really annoying.
Katya laughed. At Irina's glare, she shrugged. "I thought that was amusing. And Russian comics do tend to---"
"I know that. That's not the point."
"What is the point?" Jack asked.
"I've forgotten," Irina muttered.
"Well, perhaps we should sit down and discuss this as if at least two of us are rational human beings," Katya suggested.
"I'm all for that!" Jack exclaimed happily as he looked out of the corner of his eye at his wife. This was good, she looked ready to explode. He was hoping he could transfer all of that heated emotion to something more useful. Although... perhaps he might want to keep the knife away from her for a little while. Sitting down on the couch he pulled her down next to him. He picked up the bottle of whiskey and took a drink straight from the neck. He had a feeling he was going to need it, he decided as he watched Irina cross her arms over her chest and begin idly kicking at the glass shards in front of her.
"Let us think," Katya began, stroking her chin, as she sat down in a chair. One without a slice from a glass shard. "Where to begin? Hmm. I believe it might be best, Irina, if - in the interests of time efficiency - you would give me a synopsis of Jack's preferences."
"You must be insane!" Irina called out. "I'm not telling you anything."
"Oh well. That is your choice, of course. Now, it won't bother me in the slightest to take my time - all night in fact - to deduce Jack's preferences. As you know, I am renowned for my abilities at thorough investigations.... Or you can just tell me. Your choice."
Jack coughed into his hand. "Do I get a vote?"
"No!" Irina and Katya said simultaneously.
Jack just stared back and forth from one sister to the other, wondering what was happening now and how he fit into this puzzle. Somehow he didn't think it had much, or very much, to do with his tab. Speaking of which, he needed another drink. He picked up the bottle, but Irina snatched it from him and took a long gulp. Wiping her mouth on the back of her hand, she handed it to him. He held it up to Katya, who shook her head.
"Irina..." She began. "This is not a social call. You have a debt to repay."
Jack looked at his wife. Holding up the bottle, he took a drink before noting, "The last time she said that a man ended up with sharp instruments in his hands. You might want to think before refusing. I'd hate to see any part of you damaged, but especially those... talented hands of yours." He picked up her hand and kissed it once again. "So be careful in your negotiations."
Irina stared at her sister. Then repeated, still incredulous, holding tightly onto her husband's hand, "You truly want me to repay you by giving you Jack for a night. You honestly expect that I will concede---"
"Yes. It is the family code, after all. And it seems a simple exchange to me, especially given the fact that since you are not with him regularly you certainly cannot be as... possessive as you are evincing tonight. Then there is the nature of that debt you owe me---"
"We do not need to examine the nature of that debt and--"
"Excuse me," Jack said, holding up his hand. "First of all, I'd like to know what kind of debt you might have incurred, Irina, that might necessitate your loaning me out like a weedwacker on a suburban Sunday morning. And further, I feel I should point out that I am not a... whore to be ...."
"Oh really, Jack?" Irina said snidely. "Just what were you doing in Panama?"
"Oh." That was a sore point with her. "So, maybe I should just shut up."
"Maybe you should. Let me handle the negotiations." Let me figure a way out of this mess, she thought, grabbing onto his arm and holding it tightly.
"Yes, let us begin. Again. But first this phrase... cart before the horse? These quaint Americanisms you have acquired."
"I meant... don't put your... orgasm before his dick!"
"Hmm. Have an issue with that, do you? Well, one of the benefits of being a woman is that a dick is not strictly necessary. Nice but... A hand can work wonders. To say nothing of a mouth and looking at Jack's mouth, I can imagine, but then again, I don't really need to imagine any more, do I---"
"You're not getting anywhere near his mouth even if I do agree to this! Hands... I would agree to one hand only and---."
"Fine. I'll take the left hand---"
"s***! You figured that out?" Irina groaned in frustration.
"That he's left handed? Sister, I told you before I notice details. So, yes I'll take the left hand since that has the most dexterity. But what will we do with the other hand? Oooh, I know..." Katya smirked and reaching into her other pocket pulled out a thin length of cording.
"Those pockets are astonishing," Jack said, staring in amazement. Then groaned when Irina slapped him hard on the arm.
"I notice, sister, that you smacked him on the left arm. Damaging the goods will not negate the contract terms. If he is unable to perform tonight as specified, I can always return. After all, I have no problem returning to visit your husband whenever the need requires it...."
"Not a problem, Katya," Jack said, wiggling the fingers on his left hand for them all to see. "I'm fully functional. I always am."
"I'm counting on that reliability, of course. I wonder how many times tonight---" Katya looked down and began counting on her fingers.
"I told you before not to count your orgasms before you have them! Keep this up and you will be counting your fingers to see if you still possess ten by the time you leave tonight, Kat!" Irina snarled and tried once again to lunge for her sister, who was still swinging that cording back and forth. "I'm going to wrap that cord around your neck and--- Ooopmph!" She exhaled when Jack hauled her back and plopping her on his lap, wrapped his arms around her and held on tightly. She wiggled around, muttering, "Let me go! Let me get her!"
"Oh, I believe that Jack is the one who will be - as you say - getting me tonight," Katya said calmly.
Jack smiled at Irina's shriek, then hid it. Wearing his best imitation of innocence - and it was a lucky break, he thought, that in his line of work that face was required infrequently, he said, "There is one way to settle this..."
"What?" The sisters asked together, turning identical looks of annoyance toward him.
"You could... share," Jack suggested, trying not to laugh.
"Ah." Katya nodded. "That is a possibility. That way, sister, you would not be... missing anything. Worrying your possessive---"
"You know, I was never enamored of sharing my toys when we were children," Irina warned, trying her best not to explode. There was a way out of this trap, surely, she thought. No one would fault her for breaking the family's code, would they? She sighed. Her mother would be very disappointed in her if she broke the honor code. But honestly, having to share her husband seemed a bit much. Would her mother have done that with Aunt Anya? Ew. Wait, she didn't want to think about that. "No... I didn't like it then when you borrowed my knives and chemistry kits so---"
"And that is logical, of course. We had so few toys. I have always regretted the fact that Elena and I accidentally destroyed your miniature thermonuclear bomb kit. Our apologies. But... Jack is a big man. A great deal of man... To share, is there not?"
Irina stared at her sister. Jack bent his head whispered in her ear, "You know I'll always love you best, don't you?" She nodded and relaxed. "And besides... I'm sure she can never match you in the bedroom, even if she's older, probably has more experience...."
Irina stiffened and pushed him away. He let her slide off of him to sit on the couch as she sputtered, "I know what you're doing... You, you, you... stupid... MAN."
Hmm, she was awfully cute when she did that, but he decided he wouldn't say that right now. Katya would have to visit more often. It was... enjoyable to watch Irina lose control. He'd rather she was losing control in the bedroom, or... that bar. He was still interested in the possibilities of the height of that bar....
"Men have their uses," Katya noted. "Speaking of which, let's get back to the negotiations. Or rather.... your helpful information on the...product in question. Tell me is the extended service warranty still in effect?"
Jack vowed that he would not laugh. He would not. No, his time would be better spent cataloguing the many shades of red his wife's face was turning. And imagining what kind of debt would necessitate this failure to just refuse the demand. Lord knew, she had no trouble refusing his demands, requests, that they see each other more frequently. Humphf, so she could suffer a little before he put his own foot down.
To his surprise, Irina suddenly slammed her hand down. Unfortunately missing the couch and hitting his thigh.
"Great, hon. I'll have a bruise there tomorrow."
"Oooh. That's a shame. I could---" Katya began, her eyes glinting with amusement as she watched her sister's face go from red to purple.
"This is over. Because it's not happening. I will not share. No." Irina shook her head. "Not negotiable."
Jack put the bottle to his lips and began to take a drink. Finally. He was starting to think it was Singapore---
Katya looked at her sister quizzically. "Since when are you so possessive? For twenty years he was free to go and come with anyone he so chose. As you know, courtesy of the surveillance you set on him for the last several years when you were planning your return....And you know he can handle two. Remember the tape from Singapore? That little trick we were talking about earlier that he did with---"
Jack spewed whiskey out of his mouth across the carpeting. Damn it! At least he had his own carpet shampooer these days. Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, he plunked the bottle down hard on the floor, then stood up. "Singapore!" he yelled. "Singapore.... You have a tape of that time I... No."
"Irina's an afficionado of the medium of videotaping. Didn't you know?"
"It's never come up before! At least that I know of. Irina... should I be having Marshall come in and do a scan for me each time you visit?"
"Don't be silly. I'd never tape myself in that sit..." Oops. Irina bit her lip. Damn Katya, she flustered her.
Watching Jack's face turn red now, Katya spoke up. "Jack, didn't it occur to you to wonder how she knew about the kiss? I certainly did not tell her."
"No. You didn't." Irina said it suspiciously. "You knew, however, that as usual, I had my surveillance crew on Jack, so that I would find it immediately with my video feed---"
"WHAT THE HELL does that mean? Your surveillance crew? 'As usual'?" Jack yelled, grabbing his wife's arm and pulling her up and around to look at him. "Is there a recorder in this house?"
"No! I just said I'd never tape myself! And ...You... You... Snitch! You're the snitch!" Irina exclaimed, pointing at her sister. "You've been waiting decades for this moment, haven't you? Ever since I told Mother you'd borrowed her thigh holster for your senior prom!"
"Revenge is sweet," Katya said, taking another sip of her drink and then licking her lips. "Very sweet indeed..." she added, looking Jack up and down, "If what I saw on that tape is true...."
"Irina! The tape... You want to explain---" Jack began, tugging on her arm.
"Oh. Did I forget to mention that I've been..." She bit her lip. Uh-oh. He was not looking very happy about this.
"She's been having you tailed for years... Or rather, should I say, she's been having your tail...tailed for years. She's been keeping tabs on you... Because she missed you so--"
"A birthday card might have been more appropriate!" Jack commented. "Valentine's Day... Our wedding anniversary. All moments for which Hallmark makes a card. Even if they don't make one that says, 'Gee, honey, you thought I was dead, but I'm not. Surprise.' That, that would have been better in a phone call or--- Irina, you had better be planning on playing that variation on the knife game tonight, because--"
"Jack. Forget about your little knife game for a moment. Focus." Katya said sharply. "So, you see, we know all about Singapore. And I must say, Jack, that I was certainly impressed that certain attributes are in proportion..."
"What the hell does that mean?" Irina asked, wishing this conversation had never begun. Although... that apology game was certainly enjoyable. She began to brighten. If she could only get rid of Katya---
Who was grinning as she looked at her brother-in-law and asked, "Yes. Proportion is a good thing. So...What size shoe do you wear?"
Glaring at his wife, then looking over at her sister, Jack answered, "You, Katya, just may be finding out." He looked back at Irina, raising an eyebrow, as he pointed out, "After all, wife, it appears that there are NO secrets in this family. Sharing seems to be an important family rule. Except for certain salient little details like... taping me in... Singapore! Singapore! I cannot believe you saw that---"
"I could not believe you did that! I was shocked---"
"I was... lonely." There, he was proud of himself. He had not ended that sentence with a question mark. Not, he sighed, that he thought she'd buy it, but... one had to make an effort.
"That wasn't lonely! That was degenerate!" Irina said, pulling her arms away from her husband's hands.
"Hey, I thought I was unmarried." Jack shrugged. Then smiling, he added, "Had I known I was being taped for the Derevko Theater department's home movie night I might have---"
"Well, I enjoyed it," Katya said, looking from her sister to Jack, as she picked up her drink and took a sip.
"You have always enjoyed degenerate sexual theater," Irina accused, still smarting over seeing that tape so long ago.
"What did you say?" Jack asked sharply. Then groaning, he muttered to himself, "Oh god, it must be genetic. I think I'll kill myself now... Where is that knife?"
"Jack, what's the matter?" Irina asked, seeing how white his face had gotten.
"Her ...boyfriend, when she was Julia." Jack mumbled the words. "That Simon... he said he and Julia.... he called it degenerate sexual theater."
"Ew!" Irina exclaimed. "Poor Jack..." she said sympathetically, patting his arm.
"Do not dwell on that horror," Katya advised, shuddering herself. "I cannot believe he said that to you, knowing you were Sydney's father---"
"I assume you killed him," Irina said flatly.
"Of course." Jack shrugged.
"Why?" Katya asked.
"Well aside from everything else, he was wearing the stupidest hat I've ever seen in my life."
"You killed him over headwear?" Katya asked.
Jack shrugged. "It offended my sartorial sensibilities."
"I'm not sure I understand---"
"Jack's very picky about clothing choices," Irina told her sister.
"True. His suits are lovely." Katya sighed. "Nice coats too."
"Yes. Lovely coats. Where do you buy those coats anyway, Jack?" Irina asked, then shrugged at her sister when he just stared at her without answering. She sighed, "He has these beautiful, soft turtlenecks--"
"Ah. Yes. Like the one I had to cut off you the other night," Katya noted. Irina opened her mouth, then closed it. "So, Jack has his issues with clothing. Oh, well, we all have our little peccadilloes," Katya agreed. "I for one cannot stand it when someone uses the wrong knife for the job."
"I agree." Irina nodded. "Do you remember the pop quizzes around the dinner table about proper knife etiquette?"
Jack shook his head. "Somehow I don't think the Derevko dinner discussions were about butter knives versus steak knives and when to use a shrimp fork."
"Of course not. Who does that? What use is that to anyone? Kat... Remember how Elena always had a hard time with the Bowie knife questions?"
"Yes." Katya nodded. "When she was little, she always thought Bowie was the rockstar David Bowie and---"
"Father became so aggravated that she was listening to that capitalist --- What did he call it?" Irina wrinkled up her nose as she tried to remember.
"Noise. And so he would assign her extra homework with... what was it again?"
"The poison database. Elena has always hated data entry work, so that was an effective punishment for failing the meal-time weapons quiz."
"Oh?" Jack asked. "What does Elena like?"
"Hands on work. Hmm." Katya smiled at her sister. "Elena has never met Jack either has she?"
"No!" Or so Irina was praying that was the truth "And she's not going to! We're not passing him around like.... like a bootleg copy of Victor Garber in Monkeys in the Attic." She glared at her sister who was wearing that very annoying, I-know-something-you-don't-know look.
Katya smiled and decided to change the subject. "Do you remember that time our contact used a stiletto when a wide flat blade would have been more efficient that time in Budapest?"
"It was Bucharest. And that was the last time he made that mistake. I cannot have incompetents in our employ."
"You were always the best at human resource deployment," Irina noted. "But Jack? Are you sure you got away with killing this Simon? Did you cover your- --" Irina broke off at the look of disdain on her husband's face. "Sorry."
"Oh? Is my opinion sought? Is it worth anything? Or...wait! I know, didn't you have your surveillance crew on me that night?"
"No, actually, I didn't and I'm worried now that you might have compromised- -"
"You insult me," Jack said in that tone that made everyone within hearing distance cringe. He looked down his nose and reminded her, "I've been in this business as long as you have, in case you've forgotten. And I'm still alive. So, of course no one recognized me. After all, I was wearing rimless glasses and my hair was flattened down."
"Oh, well then," Katya nodded. "A perfect disguise." True, it had fooled Elena.
"It worked for me," Jack said, still miffed. He wasn't an amateur. He had applied that beard in Kashmir quite well, thank you.
"Your glasses always work for me," Irina said softly into Jack's ear, hoping to soften him up. Well, perhaps she didn't want to soften him precisely. Not everywhere. But he was still wearing that little frown that made the frown line between his eyebrows more prominent. If Katya -- that, that SNITCH, weren't here, she'd be kissing that little spot and cajoling him out of his anger, but.. Damn it, she was still here!
"Wait. Costumes. Jack... " Katya asked, "Do you have costumes here? Because I could really enjoy---"
"You're not going to enjoy---"
"Do you like glasses, Katya?" Jack asked with every evidence of eagerness, as his wife stared at him incredulously. Then she sighed. This was payback. She waved him on resignedly as he continued, "Because Irina likes these round glasses I have that we use when we play this little game of head of the literature department and professor seeking tenure and--- Umphf!" Jack grinned as he exhaled after Irina's hard poke. It was looking more and more like he might be seeing that knife later on.
"Who is the professor and who is the head of the department? Oh wait, I know, whose head I would pick...." Katya trailed off, waiting.... Really, Irina was just as easy to push as when they'd been little girls doing their homework, practicing knife throws in the backyard. Her aim was still affected by her emotional state. Such a failing....
"We take TURNS!" Irina yelled, then wanted to slap herself. Why, why was she falling into this trap?
"That can work for me," Katya said complacently. "So... are we all agreed?"
"Interesting? In what way?" Irina said, glaring at him as he took a drink. Then she shook her head. "Forget it. Your opinion is neither needed nor requested in this familial negotiation."
Jack spun to face her. "Excuse me? I'm being offered up like a.. bonus prize or a perk to the winner and so you'll have to excuse me for thinking that I might have---"
Katya interjected. "I do like a man who's polite. Remember, Irina, how Mother always said there was no substitute for a man who said please and thank you. Although..." her eyes went up and down Jack once again. "I have a feeling I'll be the one saying thank you. More than once, with any luck."
"I have not agreed to this at all!" Irina slammed her hand down on the couch. "So stop putting ...your cart before his horse, counting your orgasms before they are hatched and generally---"
"Excuse ME! Again!" Jack bellowed. "I'd like to be allowed to venture an opinion as to what slot I'd like to insert my tab!"
"Tab? Slot? I do not comprehend---" Katya said, confused.
"You have not spent enough time in the cultural wasteland of America to understand their native humor. Such as it is," Irina said derisively.
"Yeah, because all of those Russian jokes about Chernobyl and standing in line for toilet paper really bring down the house, Irina." Jack smirked. Irina debated about slapping him, that smirk was really annoying.
Katya laughed. At Irina's glare, she shrugged. "I thought that was amusing. And Russian comics do tend to---"
"I know that. That's not the point."
"What is the point?" Jack asked.
"I've forgotten," Irina muttered.
"Well, perhaps we should sit down and discuss this as if at least two of us are rational human beings," Katya suggested.
"I'm all for that!" Jack exclaimed happily as he looked out of the corner of his eye at his wife. This was good, she looked ready to explode. He was hoping he could transfer all of that heated emotion to something more useful. Although... perhaps he might want to keep the knife away from her for a little while. Sitting down on the couch he pulled her down next to him. He picked up the bottle of whiskey and took a drink straight from the neck. He had a feeling he was going to need it, he decided as he watched Irina cross her arms over her chest and begin idly kicking at the glass shards in front of her.
"Let us think," Katya began, stroking her chin, as she sat down in a chair. One without a slice from a glass shard. "Where to begin? Hmm. I believe it might be best, Irina, if - in the interests of time efficiency - you would give me a synopsis of Jack's preferences."
"You must be insane!" Irina called out. "I'm not telling you anything."
"Oh well. That is your choice, of course. Now, it won't bother me in the slightest to take my time - all night in fact - to deduce Jack's preferences. As you know, I am renowned for my abilities at thorough investigations.... Or you can just tell me. Your choice."
Jack coughed into his hand. "Do I get a vote?"
"No!" Irina and Katya said simultaneously.
Jack just stared back and forth from one sister to the other, wondering what was happening now and how he fit into this puzzle. Somehow he didn't think it had much, or very much, to do with his tab. Speaking of which, he needed another drink. He picked up the bottle, but Irina snatched it from him and took a long gulp. Wiping her mouth on the back of her hand, she handed it to him. He held it up to Katya, who shook her head.
"Irina..." She began. "This is not a social call. You have a debt to repay."
Jack looked at his wife. Holding up the bottle, he took a drink before noting, "The last time she said that a man ended up with sharp instruments in his hands. You might want to think before refusing. I'd hate to see any part of you damaged, but especially those... talented hands of yours." He picked up her hand and kissed it once again. "So be careful in your negotiations."
Irina stared at her sister. Then repeated, still incredulous, holding tightly onto her husband's hand, "You truly want me to repay you by giving you Jack for a night. You honestly expect that I will concede---"
"Yes. It is the family code, after all. And it seems a simple exchange to me, especially given the fact that since you are not with him regularly you certainly cannot be as... possessive as you are evincing tonight. Then there is the nature of that debt you owe me---"
"We do not need to examine the nature of that debt and--"
"Excuse me," Jack said, holding up his hand. "First of all, I'd like to know what kind of debt you might have incurred, Irina, that might necessitate your loaning me out like a weedwacker on a suburban Sunday morning. And further, I feel I should point out that I am not a... whore to be ...."
"Oh really, Jack?" Irina said snidely. "Just what were you doing in Panama?"
"Oh." That was a sore point with her. "So, maybe I should just shut up."
"Maybe you should. Let me handle the negotiations." Let me figure a way out of this mess, she thought, grabbing onto his arm and holding it tightly.
"Yes, let us begin. Again. But first this phrase... cart before the horse? These quaint Americanisms you have acquired."
"I meant... don't put your... orgasm before his dick!"
"Hmm. Have an issue with that, do you? Well, one of the benefits of being a woman is that a dick is not strictly necessary. Nice but... A hand can work wonders. To say nothing of a mouth and looking at Jack's mouth, I can imagine, but then again, I don't really need to imagine any more, do I---"
"You're not getting anywhere near his mouth even if I do agree to this! Hands... I would agree to one hand only and---."
"Fine. I'll take the left hand---"
"s***! You figured that out?" Irina groaned in frustration.
"That he's left handed? Sister, I told you before I notice details. So, yes I'll take the left hand since that has the most dexterity. But what will we do with the other hand? Oooh, I know..." Katya smirked and reaching into her other pocket pulled out a thin length of cording.
"Those pockets are astonishing," Jack said, staring in amazement. Then groaned when Irina slapped him hard on the arm.
"I notice, sister, that you smacked him on the left arm. Damaging the goods will not negate the contract terms. If he is unable to perform tonight as specified, I can always return. After all, I have no problem returning to visit your husband whenever the need requires it...."
"Not a problem, Katya," Jack said, wiggling the fingers on his left hand for them all to see. "I'm fully functional. I always am."
"I'm counting on that reliability, of course. I wonder how many times tonight---" Katya looked down and began counting on her fingers.
"I told you before not to count your orgasms before you have them! Keep this up and you will be counting your fingers to see if you still possess ten by the time you leave tonight, Kat!" Irina snarled and tried once again to lunge for her sister, who was still swinging that cording back and forth. "I'm going to wrap that cord around your neck and--- Ooopmph!" She exhaled when Jack hauled her back and plopping her on his lap, wrapped his arms around her and held on tightly. She wiggled around, muttering, "Let me go! Let me get her!"
"Oh, I believe that Jack is the one who will be - as you say - getting me tonight," Katya said calmly.
Jack smiled at Irina's shriek, then hid it. Wearing his best imitation of innocence - and it was a lucky break, he thought, that in his line of work that face was required infrequently, he said, "There is one way to settle this..."
"What?" The sisters asked together, turning identical looks of annoyance toward him.
"You could... share," Jack suggested, trying not to laugh.
"Ah." Katya nodded. "That is a possibility. That way, sister, you would not be... missing anything. Worrying your possessive---"
"You know, I was never enamored of sharing my toys when we were children," Irina warned, trying her best not to explode. There was a way out of this trap, surely, she thought. No one would fault her for breaking the family's code, would they? She sighed. Her mother would be very disappointed in her if she broke the honor code. But honestly, having to share her husband seemed a bit much. Would her mother have done that with Aunt Anya? Ew. Wait, she didn't want to think about that. "No... I didn't like it then when you borrowed my knives and chemistry kits so---"
"And that is logical, of course. We had so few toys. I have always regretted the fact that Elena and I accidentally destroyed your miniature thermonuclear bomb kit. Our apologies. But... Jack is a big man. A great deal of man... To share, is there not?"
Irina stared at her sister. Jack bent his head whispered in her ear, "You know I'll always love you best, don't you?" She nodded and relaxed. "And besides... I'm sure she can never match you in the bedroom, even if she's older, probably has more experience...."
Irina stiffened and pushed him away. He let her slide off of him to sit on the couch as she sputtered, "I know what you're doing... You, you, you... stupid... MAN."
Hmm, she was awfully cute when she did that, but he decided he wouldn't say that right now. Katya would have to visit more often. It was... enjoyable to watch Irina lose control. He'd rather she was losing control in the bedroom, or... that bar. He was still interested in the possibilities of the height of that bar....
"Men have their uses," Katya noted. "Speaking of which, let's get back to the negotiations. Or rather.... your helpful information on the...product in question. Tell me is the extended service warranty still in effect?"
Jack vowed that he would not laugh. He would not. No, his time would be better spent cataloguing the many shades of red his wife's face was turning. And imagining what kind of debt would necessitate this failure to just refuse the demand. Lord knew, she had no trouble refusing his demands, requests, that they see each other more frequently. Humphf, so she could suffer a little before he put his own foot down.
To his surprise, Irina suddenly slammed her hand down. Unfortunately missing the couch and hitting his thigh.
"Great, hon. I'll have a bruise there tomorrow."
"Oooh. That's a shame. I could---" Katya began, her eyes glinting with amusement as she watched her sister's face go from red to purple.
"This is over. Because it's not happening. I will not share. No." Irina shook her head. "Not negotiable."
Jack put the bottle to his lips and began to take a drink. Finally. He was starting to think it was Singapore---
Katya looked at her sister quizzically. "Since when are you so possessive? For twenty years he was free to go and come with anyone he so chose. As you know, courtesy of the surveillance you set on him for the last several years when you were planning your return....And you know he can handle two. Remember the tape from Singapore? That little trick we were talking about earlier that he did with---"
Jack spewed whiskey out of his mouth across the carpeting. Damn it! At least he had his own carpet shampooer these days. Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, he plunked the bottle down hard on the floor, then stood up. "Singapore!" he yelled. "Singapore.... You have a tape of that time I... No."
"Irina's an afficionado of the medium of videotaping. Didn't you know?"
"It's never come up before! At least that I know of. Irina... should I be having Marshall come in and do a scan for me each time you visit?"
"Don't be silly. I'd never tape myself in that sit..." Oops. Irina bit her lip. Damn Katya, she flustered her.
Watching Jack's face turn red now, Katya spoke up. "Jack, didn't it occur to you to wonder how she knew about the kiss? I certainly did not tell her."
"No. You didn't." Irina said it suspiciously. "You knew, however, that as usual, I had my surveillance crew on Jack, so that I would find it immediately with my video feed---"
"WHAT THE HELL does that mean? Your surveillance crew? 'As usual'?" Jack yelled, grabbing his wife's arm and pulling her up and around to look at him. "Is there a recorder in this house?"
"No! I just said I'd never tape myself! And ...You... You... Snitch! You're the snitch!" Irina exclaimed, pointing at her sister. "You've been waiting decades for this moment, haven't you? Ever since I told Mother you'd borrowed her thigh holster for your senior prom!"
"Revenge is sweet," Katya said, taking another sip of her drink and then licking her lips. "Very sweet indeed..." she added, looking Jack up and down, "If what I saw on that tape is true...."
"Irina! The tape... You want to explain---" Jack began, tugging on her arm.
"Oh. Did I forget to mention that I've been..." She bit her lip. Uh-oh. He was not looking very happy about this.
"She's been having you tailed for years... Or rather, should I say, she's been having your tail...tailed for years. She's been keeping tabs on you... Because she missed you so--"
"A birthday card might have been more appropriate!" Jack commented. "Valentine's Day... Our wedding anniversary. All moments for which Hallmark makes a card. Even if they don't make one that says, 'Gee, honey, you thought I was dead, but I'm not. Surprise.' That, that would have been better in a phone call or--- Irina, you had better be planning on playing that variation on the knife game tonight, because--"
"Jack. Forget about your little knife game for a moment. Focus." Katya said sharply. "So, you see, we know all about Singapore. And I must say, Jack, that I was certainly impressed that certain attributes are in proportion..."
"What the hell does that mean?" Irina asked, wishing this conversation had never begun. Although... that apology game was certainly enjoyable. She began to brighten. If she could only get rid of Katya---
Who was grinning as she looked at her brother-in-law and asked, "Yes. Proportion is a good thing. So...What size shoe do you wear?"
Glaring at his wife, then looking over at her sister, Jack answered, "You, Katya, just may be finding out." He looked back at Irina, raising an eyebrow, as he pointed out, "After all, wife, it appears that there are NO secrets in this family. Sharing seems to be an important family rule. Except for certain salient little details like... taping me in... Singapore! Singapore! I cannot believe you saw that---"
"I could not believe you did that! I was shocked---"
"I was... lonely." There, he was proud of himself. He had not ended that sentence with a question mark. Not, he sighed, that he thought she'd buy it, but... one had to make an effort.
"That wasn't lonely! That was degenerate!" Irina said, pulling her arms away from her husband's hands.
"Hey, I thought I was unmarried." Jack shrugged. Then smiling, he added, "Had I known I was being taped for the Derevko Theater department's home movie night I might have---"
"Well, I enjoyed it," Katya said, looking from her sister to Jack, as she picked up her drink and took a sip.
"You have always enjoyed degenerate sexual theater," Irina accused, still smarting over seeing that tape so long ago.
"What did you say?" Jack asked sharply. Then groaning, he muttered to himself, "Oh god, it must be genetic. I think I'll kill myself now... Where is that knife?"
"Jack, what's the matter?" Irina asked, seeing how white his face had gotten.
"Her ...boyfriend, when she was Julia." Jack mumbled the words. "That Simon... he said he and Julia.... he called it degenerate sexual theater."
"Ew!" Irina exclaimed. "Poor Jack..." she said sympathetically, patting his arm.
"Do not dwell on that horror," Katya advised, shuddering herself. "I cannot believe he said that to you, knowing you were Sydney's father---"
"I assume you killed him," Irina said flatly.
"Of course." Jack shrugged.
"Why?" Katya asked.
"Well aside from everything else, he was wearing the stupidest hat I've ever seen in my life."
"You killed him over headwear?" Katya asked.
Jack shrugged. "It offended my sartorial sensibilities."
"I'm not sure I understand---"
"Jack's very picky about clothing choices," Irina told her sister.
"True. His suits are lovely." Katya sighed. "Nice coats too."
"Yes. Lovely coats. Where do you buy those coats anyway, Jack?" Irina asked, then shrugged at her sister when he just stared at her without answering. She sighed, "He has these beautiful, soft turtlenecks--"
"Ah. Yes. Like the one I had to cut off you the other night," Katya noted. Irina opened her mouth, then closed it. "So, Jack has his issues with clothing. Oh, well, we all have our little peccadilloes," Katya agreed. "I for one cannot stand it when someone uses the wrong knife for the job."
"I agree." Irina nodded. "Do you remember the pop quizzes around the dinner table about proper knife etiquette?"
Jack shook his head. "Somehow I don't think the Derevko dinner discussions were about butter knives versus steak knives and when to use a shrimp fork."
"Of course not. Who does that? What use is that to anyone? Kat... Remember how Elena always had a hard time with the Bowie knife questions?"
"Yes." Katya nodded. "When she was little, she always thought Bowie was the rockstar David Bowie and---"
"Father became so aggravated that she was listening to that capitalist --- What did he call it?" Irina wrinkled up her nose as she tried to remember.
"Noise. And so he would assign her extra homework with... what was it again?"
"The poison database. Elena has always hated data entry work, so that was an effective punishment for failing the meal-time weapons quiz."
"Oh?" Jack asked. "What does Elena like?"
"Hands on work. Hmm." Katya smiled at her sister. "Elena has never met Jack either has she?"
"No!" Or so Irina was praying that was the truth "And she's not going to! We're not passing him around like.... like a bootleg copy of Victor Garber in Monkeys in the Attic." She glared at her sister who was wearing that very annoying, I-know-something-you-don't-know look.
Katya smiled and decided to change the subject. "Do you remember that time our contact used a stiletto when a wide flat blade would have been more efficient that time in Budapest?"
"It was Bucharest. And that was the last time he made that mistake. I cannot have incompetents in our employ."
"You were always the best at human resource deployment," Irina noted. "But Jack? Are you sure you got away with killing this Simon? Did you cover your- --" Irina broke off at the look of disdain on her husband's face. "Sorry."
"Oh? Is my opinion sought? Is it worth anything? Or...wait! I know, didn't you have your surveillance crew on me that night?"
"No, actually, I didn't and I'm worried now that you might have compromised- -"
"You insult me," Jack said in that tone that made everyone within hearing distance cringe. He looked down his nose and reminded her, "I've been in this business as long as you have, in case you've forgotten. And I'm still alive. So, of course no one recognized me. After all, I was wearing rimless glasses and my hair was flattened down."
"Oh, well then," Katya nodded. "A perfect disguise." True, it had fooled Elena.
"It worked for me," Jack said, still miffed. He wasn't an amateur. He had applied that beard in Kashmir quite well, thank you.
"Your glasses always work for me," Irina said softly into Jack's ear, hoping to soften him up. Well, perhaps she didn't want to soften him precisely. Not everywhere. But he was still wearing that little frown that made the frown line between his eyebrows more prominent. If Katya -- that, that SNITCH, weren't here, she'd be kissing that little spot and cajoling him out of his anger, but.. Damn it, she was still here!
"Wait. Costumes. Jack... " Katya asked, "Do you have costumes here? Because I could really enjoy---"
"You're not going to enjoy---"
"Do you like glasses, Katya?" Jack asked with every evidence of eagerness, as his wife stared at him incredulously. Then she sighed. This was payback. She waved him on resignedly as he continued, "Because Irina likes these round glasses I have that we use when we play this little game of head of the literature department and professor seeking tenure and--- Umphf!" Jack grinned as he exhaled after Irina's hard poke. It was looking more and more like he might be seeing that knife later on.
"Who is the professor and who is the head of the department? Oh wait, I know, whose head I would pick...." Katya trailed off, waiting.... Really, Irina was just as easy to push as when they'd been little girls doing their homework, practicing knife throws in the backyard. Her aim was still affected by her emotional state. Such a failing....
"We take TURNS!" Irina yelled, then wanted to slap herself. Why, why was she falling into this trap?
"That can work for me," Katya said complacently. "So... are we all agreed?"