Chapter 9:
"Finally," Katya nodded.
The sisters turned to stare at Jack, who stared back at them. "Let me understand this. This is my house and I'm being asked to leave? My own house? What kind of damage will you two do if I leave? I really don't want to come back and find it looking like the before of Junkyard Wars."
"Jack...You watch too much TLC." Irina said, forcing a smile, as she patted his arm.
"What else do I have to do with my time? It's not like my wife is here to play games with me in the evening. Would you rather I perused internet porn? Or fanfiction?"
"Oh my god, fanfiction? No! Not that! The smut about you that some people write is just shocking!"
"I didn't find it shocking, I found it inspirational..." Katya noted, licking her lips. "There was this one scene with a hot tub. But no... wait, the stairs, that was good too. And then again---"
"Where did you read that?" Jack asked. "I'm always looking for new ideas and ---"
"I have all the ideas you need!" Irina exclaimed. She took a deep breath. "Jack, I didn't mean for you to leave your house. Just the room. Why don't you go into the bedroom and wait for me there? This won't take long---"
"No. It won't. I'll see you shortly," Katya said, crossing her arms over her chest.
Behind Irina's back, Jack rolled his eyes and went into the bedroom, slamming the door, as they heard him mumble, "Women! Worse, Derevko women! What did I ever do...."
"Katya, explain yourself. I know you didn't really come here to sleep with my husband — And DON'T say you weren't planning on sleeping with him or that you haven't come yet---"
"Apparently she doesn't need to say it if you do!" Jack called out.
"Shut up!" both sisters yelled. Jack sighed.
"Katya, he's getting impatient. So, tell me quickly if you don't mind, I--- "
"Why did I really kiss Jack?"
"Yes."
"Three reasons. One, I admit. Curiosity. You spoke of him so much, for so long." Katya shrugged. "My curiosity was piqued. So shoot me."
"I prefer knives, remember?"
Katya yawned. "The second reason is obvious. He's Jack. Just look at him. Who wouldn't kiss him if they had the opportunity? Seriously?"
"Seriously, I know," Irina sighed. "And I suppose I made an error when I asked you to give him a kiss from me. But still, don't you have any loyalty or---" Irina grabbed her sister's arm.
Katya looked at it and ordered. "Release my arm. There is no point in a physical demonstration between us---"
"If you're going to get kinky like that, I'm leaving!" Jack called out, grinning from behind the door. This was definitely better than Queer Eye. Interactive entertainment usually was. Speaking of which, he'd better check that drawer....
"Shut up!" the sisters called out.
Katya continued, "As I was saying before your husband with a decidedly... odd sense of humor interrupted us, as always there is no point in a physical altercation between any of us sisters."
"I know," Irina nodded. "We all know each other's weaknesses too well."
"Yes. And I know your particular weakness, Irina."
"So do I!" Jack called out. "As I remember, it's been a while, but it involves a feather and... Hmm. Perhaps the White Christmas re-enactment isn't a bad idea? I wonder if that's available on Pay Per View tonight. For research purposes. How big were those fans? I bet I could find them on ebay."
"We should just ignore him," Irina suggested. "We just seem to encourage him."
Katya nodded. "Yes, let's return to the plot line here or it might disappear like Will Tippin's research into Project Christmas."
"Or like he did when he failed to pick up Francie thereby allowing Alison Doren to plug her in the head and send us down the yellow brick road to the molecular transponder?"
"Yes, like that. Inexplicably---"
"But... "Irina thought for a moment, and then brightened. "Perhaps this is all just a bad, technicolor dream..."
"Hmm. Sloane is almost short enough to be a munchkin. This bears more investigation." Katya admitted. "But here and now, we were talking about your weakness. Which is the third reason I kissed Jack."
"My...weakness led you to kiss Jack?"
"Simple cause and effect. I -- your sister -- kissed him and you're here."
"What?"
"You would not be able to withstand it if one of your sisters kissed him. So, I kissed him, as per the plan. And here you are in his house, less than twenty-four hours later, with a knife to his throat, which — if I'm not mistaken — in your relationship is a little bit of loving foreplay?"
"Yes, but..."
"Irina. Listen to me." Katya put her hands on Irina's shoulders. "You may be taller than me. You may be The Man. You may be CEO of our little crime cartel. But you are still my little sister. Elena's little sister. Mom's little girl. And... we were worried about you. So at our last staff meeting, which you missed, being off doing god knows what god knows where with god knows whom, we came up with a plan."
"What about Father?"
"Like all fathers, he's convinced you conceived his granddaughter through immaculate conception and had no part in creating our plan."
"I can take care of myself."
"But you don't have to. That's what family is for." Katya said it softly and touched her sister's cheek. "And can you take care of yourself?"
"Don't give me advice."
"Darling, that's what big sisters live to do. So. Some advice. We live to give advice and say 'I told you so'---"
"You may die to give that advice."
"Not in my house!" Jack said. "No blood on my carpet! My new carpet." He moaned.
Katya smiled. "Irina. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder. Stay away too long and your role in his life might be recast or you might be dead temporarily again and---"
"He would wait! He waited twenty years...."
"He kissed me back, Irina. Perhaps he was just lonely. Perhaps... he just enjoyed feeling a warm woman in his arms instead of a computer mouse or... something else...that as enjoyable as it might be for me to imagine, is not going to satisfy a man like that indefinitely. Do you want him to move on to a woman who's actually seen every once in a while? Is that what you want?" Irina looked down. "And look at the consequences of your absence for everyone! It's hideous. Horrible. Vile."
Irina winced. "The triangle? Lack of a discernable plot line?"
"Yes. And there's no real end in sight."
"I wouldn't say that. It's like a horse's ass to me."
"Speaking of a black hole---"
"In a triangular shape?"
"Yes! Only worse. Now we're expected to believe that Lauren's evil. We could stretch our credulity to believe in cloning and five hundred year old hearts, but this, this is too much. It was bad enough to believe that Vaughn would move on within nine months after Sydney died, that Kendall turned into an exposition fairy---"
"True!" Jack called out from the bedroom. "And that's my job! While I admit that Kendall has the ears of an elf, he's no exposition fairy, let me tell you and I resent the loss of screen time---"
"Jack?" Irina called back. When he didn't answer, she got up and went into his bedroom. "How much have you had to drink?"
"Not enough." Jack looked up from his perusal of the drawer in the nightstand. Irina smiled as she watched him take the cuffs out of his pocket and put them in the drawer.
Hmm. That reminded her. She walked toward him, peering to see the contents of the drawer. "Jack..."
"Are you coming soon?" He slammed the drawer and turned to her with a grin. "Or rather coming in soon? Because I hope it will be a while before you come... I'd like to take my time.. But wait, how much time do we have, because you're always in a hurry. You fly in and out so quickly, one would think you don't even exist anymore."
Irina bit her lip. Maybe Katya had a point. Damn it. Would she have to admit that? "Jack," she said softly as she began unbuttoning his shirt. "Just get relaxed. Why don't you change into one of those all-black outfits I like so much? And wear one of those tshirts and those silk boxers I bought for you---"
"Buy those at Walmart?" Katya called out.
"No. Internet."
"Oh? What site?"
"Victor's Secret."
"Don't you mean, Victoria's Secret?"
"No, that's for women. Katya... mind your own business for a moment." Irina rolled her eyes and then looking at her husband, smiled. "I love you, Jack. Have I told you that tonight?"
"No," he said, pulling her close. "I'm glad you're here. And actually, although I say this with fear and trepidation..." Irina rolled her eyes. "I like your sister. She's amusing."
"She thinks so. But I'll get rid of her soon. She.... just was trying to help. I think." Irina screwed her mouth up as she thought. "I should go---"
"Wait...." Jack reached out and grabbed her. Hauling her close he wrapped one arm around her waist and tangled the other in her hair. "Who knows how long this may really take? I need something to tide me over..." He said softly, just before his lips took hers.
"Jack...." Irina said long moments later. "You taste like.. whiskey and heat and...you."
After one last kiss and disentangling herself, Irina paused in the doorway. Shaking her head, she put one hand on the doorjamb before passing through and closing the door behind her.
Katya smiled at the look of bemusement on her sister's face. "I teased Jack that if he didn't realize you were a plant for the five years you were married---"
"It wasn't five years," Irina protested, but without any real heat, her mind still back in the bedroom with that particular kind of heat that was specific to her husband.
"I told him that your love must have been quite intoxicating. But... he's pretty intoxicating, isn't he?"
Irina glared at her sister halfheartedly. Then laughed. "Yes, you might say."
"I might say it was your lucky day when he was handed to you on a silver platter as your assignment."
"Here we go..."
"I'm calling in that debt for the good of everyone. You need to come back. You need to intervene. You need to save the world from the dreaded three- sided polyhedron."
"I will when---" Irina stopped talking as she ran through her Daytimer in her head. Hmm, maybe she could cut out a few meetings, delegate more, hire a third personal assistant. Maybe she could lure Sark back, he was always useful. And if she had more time... She looked up as her sister continued speaking.
"No. I'm calling in the debt now."
"But--"
"Do you want to call your mom, Katya?" Jack called out. "I still have her phone, I can easily hit number one on speed dial again and--"
"No! Not my mom!" Irina said shuddering. "I give in. It's your debt to collect and ..."
"Yes, it is. And I'm calling it in. So. You can tie up some loose ends, but don't take too long. As I was saying before, we now have the evil cow and then there was the swillage, which was just wrong and ---"
"You should see that drawer he made for me," Irina confided. "He does love me."
"Well, of course he does. I saw that knife he gave you for your birthday last year — the one custom made for your hand, specially weighted with your initials engraved in the hilt on the button that hid the poison repository. And the bulletproof glass in your Miata?" Katya lowered her voice to a soft whisper, "And I hear through the grapevine that your Valentine's gift this year is to die for---"
"What is it?" Irina whispered back eagerly.
"Custom-made grenade launcher." Katya sighed appreciatively.
"I've been wanting one of those forever." Irina said softly. Then in her normal voice, she added, "He does love me..."
"Of course he does. I mean, honestly. Knives, poison, bulletproof glass — if that doesn't say love, what does?"
"I know!" Irina said excitedly. "Wasn't that knife amazing? The best gift ever."
"What, are you twelve? My point is---"
"But... Katya. He didn't contact me for a long time---"
"He was in prison!"
"But it seems like he only contacts me when he wants something."
"Yes, like your presence. Like you."
"No." Irina sighed. "My contacts."
"Sister, first of all, did it ever occur to you that you could contact him?"
"It's the man's job to call the woman. Mother always said it makes you look...needy and hungry and you lose power if the woman does the calling."
"And you're not needy and hungry when it comes to Jack? Because if you aren't, I'll line up at his buffet line any day---"
"You need a slap---"
"You need a slap--"
"There will be NO furniture broken in my house!" Jack called out. "Irina, you promised."
"I'm speaking figuratively!" Katya told him. Turning back to her sister, she told her, "Think about it. Jack Bristow has contacts in every godforsaken hellhole in — how do the Americans say it — in the back of beyond. He doesn't need your contacts. Think about it. He had contacts in Nogales, telling him that Simon's associate had been captured there, before the CIA knew. You think he needs your contacts? Or does he just need you?"
"Well....Perhaps he blames me, though, because none of my contacts found Sydney in those two years."
"But, of course not! He would not hold you responsible for that. After all, the blond streaks she put in her hair constituted a completely impenetrable disguise."
"True! I never thought of that. Changing your hair color is almost as foolproof as Jack's rimless glasses or his repairman's uniform and a working class accent--"
"This is a freakin' nightmare!" Jack called out. "Move this along already before something other than my sinuses gets an infection from prolonged inflammation!"
Irina clamped a hand over her mouth to keep from laughing aloud. "He's funny, isn't he?" she asked her sister. Then shaking her head, she admitted, "It's been so long I think I've forgotten various aspects of his ---"
"I'll be glad to refresh your memory if you'd just get in here!" Jack said through the door. "Believe me, at this point, it won't take that long. And given the length of your usual visits, that's probably a good thing, right?"
Irina grimaced. "I have to say it, don't I?"
"No, of course not," Katya said. Irina sighed with relief. Then Katya smiled and added, "You don't have to say it because I will."
"Must you?" Irina asked, rolling her eyes.
"Of course, I must." Katya grinned and said in a sing song voice. "I was right and you were wrong."
"I thought you were going to say I told you so!" Jack commented.
Irina lifted her hand to her sister then dropped it. "I hate when you're right. But... I've been worrying needlessly, haven't I?"
"Yes. So, stay with him. At least through the day and night tomorrow. I can cover for you at the office."
"But he has work," Irina protested, but then shut up. If Jack could not come up with a good lie to cover his absence then she would... kiss Arvin Sloane. Ew. Jack had better come up with a good lie. Because kissing Arvin would be... Not even the secret to eternal life was worth that! Blech. At least as bad as Katya's garlicky Romanian.
Katya smiled as she suggested, "He can call in and say he's all... tied up. And if you're smart you'll make sure that's true."
"Wellll...." She had seen some of those items in the drawer and---
"I did give you those cuffs for a reason, Irina. You have no excuses. So... spend time with him. Or---"
"Or what? Is that a threat?" Irina smiled, inclining her head in the direction of the bedroom.
Katya nodded and smiled back. "No, a promise. Stay with him or I'll move in. And possession is nine-tenths of the law."
"I'd like to know what legal precedent covers this contingency!" Jack noted.
"Ah. Excellent point. Jack." Katya pointed to her sister with a glass shard she pulled out of the pile on the floor where the coffee table used to exist.
"Except for the fact that the Derevko siblings make their own laws," Irina called out.
Katya smiled. "Get the....point?" She asked and flung a glass shard into the cherry bedroom door. It stuck there, vibrating.
Jack yelled, "That had better NOT have been another glass shard in my door!"
Irina and Katya looked at each other and burst into a fit of giggles. Holding her arms out, Katya pulled her little sister close. "Take care of each other. I'll go tweeze the triangle to death."
"Don't you need my help?" Irina asked.
"Please, sister. I can handle the likes of Lauren Reed without breaking a sweat."
"Thank you. When will I see you again?"
"Besides the staff meeting Friday at 10am?"
"Yes. Oh and don't forget that Power Point Presentation on our next strategy for removing Arvin Sloane?"
"I won't." Katya remembered, "I should inform you that Elena's hard at work on replacing his Rambaldi immortality juice with regular tap water from Mexico."
"Now that's true suffering!" Jack said, leaning against the door. This sounded like it would be over soon. "Almost as bad as watching Lauren and Vaughn kiss."
"Ew. There went my dinner plans...." Katya groaned.
"Me too. Good thing the only thing I was truly planning on eating tonight was--"
"Irina!" Jack said laughing. "Didn't your mother ever teach you that it was rude to speak of dinner plans if you weren't planning on inviting your guest?"
"No. We were too busy having knife quizzes," Katya noted. "But if that is a rule of etiquette, why, of course, I'd be glad to stay for---"
"No dinner for you!" Irina said to her sister, smiling. "But... breakfast together soon?"
"Certainly. The Dennys' in Van Nuys? You always enjoyed their Grand Slam breakfast."
"True!" Jack said, opening the door from his bedroom cautiously. Frowning as he pulled the knife and glass shard out of the door, he added, "Irina's always been interested in sausages..."
"She has?"
"Sure, a large, cylindrical piece of meat---"
"Jack!" Irina giggled.
Katya elbowed here, "Ask him about---"
"Jack...." Irina began, biting her lip. "About Singagpore..."
"Don't you mean Singapore?" Jack responded, carefully putting down the knife and glass on the bar and measuring its width with his arms.
"No. I meant Singagpore. What...How... Two women?"
"Honey..." Jack turned around and began walking toward his wife. "Don't you know? It would take two women to begin to replace you."
Irina bit her lip.
Katya shook her head and touched her sister's arm. "Ooh. That was good, Irina. I would give him points for that attempt."
Irina stopped holding her smile in and nodded. "Yes, I suppose I need to give him points for that."
"And..." Jack continued, wrapping his arms around his wife and leaning down to nuzzle her neck. "No one, no one, no matter how many women, could ever replace you in my heart."
"I think my work here is done," Katya said with a smile. "I need to report in to Mother and Elena that our op worked quite well. They'll be waiting up, pins and toothpicks, is the phrase?"
"No. Pins and needles. Pins and needles. Toothpicks don't hurt as much as needles," Irina noted.
"Clearly you need a refresher class on basic torture techniques, Irina," Katya said, shaking her head.
Irina sighed. "That was always your area of expertise. And I suppose what you were doing, with your work with me, was just another form of torture?"
"What work was that, exactly?" Jack asked.
"Ah. We called it Operation Sibling Rivalry," Katya said, smiling.
Irina groaned. Shaking her head, she disentangled herself from her husband and began walking away. "Jack.... I'll wait for you in the bedroom---"
"I was hoping for the bar...." Jack said longingly.
"Later. I want to see my drawer."
"Oh, I almost forgot." Jack gave a slow smile. "Drawer it is."
"But... say goodbye to Katya. Show her to the door."
"What are you up to?" Jack asked, his eyes narrowed, but glittering with excitement.
"I'm not the one who will be getting up...." Irina said as she picked up the knife and glass shard from the bar and went into the bedroom. "I need to get ready."
Jack smiled at his wife's back and then turned to his sister-in-law. "I heard it all. And thank you."
"I can definitely say it was my pleasure..." Katya said, then smiled when a tinge of pink entered Jack's face. She could not resist adding as they walked toward the front door, "Oh, and Jack, you do realize that my codename is Black Sparrow, not Black Swallow?"
Jack gave a small smile as his eyes flickered to the side, "Oh. I realize. But one can always... hope. Can't one?"
"Jack, stop flirting with my sister to make me jealous and get in here!" Irina said laughingly.
Jack sighed. "Ah, duty calls. I must leave."
"Must you?" Katya asked, giving her sister a sidelong glance. She put her hand on Jack's shoulder and began to lean up. "This... is from Elena...." she began, pursing her lips. "Don't move..." she whispered. Then with a quick movement, she snatched from the air the knife that Irina had thrown in her direction.
"Here, Jack," Katya said, handing the knife to him. "I do believe it might be your turn to... wield the weapon, shall we say?"
"An interesting turn of phrase," Jack agreed. Turning to face his wife, who stood glaring at them from the doorway to the bedroom, he said over his shoulder, "Bye, Katya. And thank you again."
"You are most welcome. And sister? I'll see you in two days. Dennys, remember?"
"Two days?" Irina asked. "Why not tomorrow? I do like those Grand Slam breakfasts and---"
"Irina, if you can walk tomorrow morning, I'll be very disappointed in my brother-in-law."
"Finally," Katya nodded.
The sisters turned to stare at Jack, who stared back at them. "Let me understand this. This is my house and I'm being asked to leave? My own house? What kind of damage will you two do if I leave? I really don't want to come back and find it looking like the before of Junkyard Wars."
"Jack...You watch too much TLC." Irina said, forcing a smile, as she patted his arm.
"What else do I have to do with my time? It's not like my wife is here to play games with me in the evening. Would you rather I perused internet porn? Or fanfiction?"
"Oh my god, fanfiction? No! Not that! The smut about you that some people write is just shocking!"
"I didn't find it shocking, I found it inspirational..." Katya noted, licking her lips. "There was this one scene with a hot tub. But no... wait, the stairs, that was good too. And then again---"
"Where did you read that?" Jack asked. "I'm always looking for new ideas and ---"
"I have all the ideas you need!" Irina exclaimed. She took a deep breath. "Jack, I didn't mean for you to leave your house. Just the room. Why don't you go into the bedroom and wait for me there? This won't take long---"
"No. It won't. I'll see you shortly," Katya said, crossing her arms over her chest.
Behind Irina's back, Jack rolled his eyes and went into the bedroom, slamming the door, as they heard him mumble, "Women! Worse, Derevko women! What did I ever do...."
"Katya, explain yourself. I know you didn't really come here to sleep with my husband — And DON'T say you weren't planning on sleeping with him or that you haven't come yet---"
"Apparently she doesn't need to say it if you do!" Jack called out.
"Shut up!" both sisters yelled. Jack sighed.
"Katya, he's getting impatient. So, tell me quickly if you don't mind, I--- "
"Why did I really kiss Jack?"
"Yes."
"Three reasons. One, I admit. Curiosity. You spoke of him so much, for so long." Katya shrugged. "My curiosity was piqued. So shoot me."
"I prefer knives, remember?"
Katya yawned. "The second reason is obvious. He's Jack. Just look at him. Who wouldn't kiss him if they had the opportunity? Seriously?"
"Seriously, I know," Irina sighed. "And I suppose I made an error when I asked you to give him a kiss from me. But still, don't you have any loyalty or---" Irina grabbed her sister's arm.
Katya looked at it and ordered. "Release my arm. There is no point in a physical demonstration between us---"
"If you're going to get kinky like that, I'm leaving!" Jack called out, grinning from behind the door. This was definitely better than Queer Eye. Interactive entertainment usually was. Speaking of which, he'd better check that drawer....
"Shut up!" the sisters called out.
Katya continued, "As I was saying before your husband with a decidedly... odd sense of humor interrupted us, as always there is no point in a physical altercation between any of us sisters."
"I know," Irina nodded. "We all know each other's weaknesses too well."
"Yes. And I know your particular weakness, Irina."
"So do I!" Jack called out. "As I remember, it's been a while, but it involves a feather and... Hmm. Perhaps the White Christmas re-enactment isn't a bad idea? I wonder if that's available on Pay Per View tonight. For research purposes. How big were those fans? I bet I could find them on ebay."
"We should just ignore him," Irina suggested. "We just seem to encourage him."
Katya nodded. "Yes, let's return to the plot line here or it might disappear like Will Tippin's research into Project Christmas."
"Or like he did when he failed to pick up Francie thereby allowing Alison Doren to plug her in the head and send us down the yellow brick road to the molecular transponder?"
"Yes, like that. Inexplicably---"
"But... "Irina thought for a moment, and then brightened. "Perhaps this is all just a bad, technicolor dream..."
"Hmm. Sloane is almost short enough to be a munchkin. This bears more investigation." Katya admitted. "But here and now, we were talking about your weakness. Which is the third reason I kissed Jack."
"My...weakness led you to kiss Jack?"
"Simple cause and effect. I -- your sister -- kissed him and you're here."
"What?"
"You would not be able to withstand it if one of your sisters kissed him. So, I kissed him, as per the plan. And here you are in his house, less than twenty-four hours later, with a knife to his throat, which — if I'm not mistaken — in your relationship is a little bit of loving foreplay?"
"Yes, but..."
"Irina. Listen to me." Katya put her hands on Irina's shoulders. "You may be taller than me. You may be The Man. You may be CEO of our little crime cartel. But you are still my little sister. Elena's little sister. Mom's little girl. And... we were worried about you. So at our last staff meeting, which you missed, being off doing god knows what god knows where with god knows whom, we came up with a plan."
"What about Father?"
"Like all fathers, he's convinced you conceived his granddaughter through immaculate conception and had no part in creating our plan."
"I can take care of myself."
"But you don't have to. That's what family is for." Katya said it softly and touched her sister's cheek. "And can you take care of yourself?"
"Don't give me advice."
"Darling, that's what big sisters live to do. So. Some advice. We live to give advice and say 'I told you so'---"
"You may die to give that advice."
"Not in my house!" Jack said. "No blood on my carpet! My new carpet." He moaned.
Katya smiled. "Irina. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder. Stay away too long and your role in his life might be recast or you might be dead temporarily again and---"
"He would wait! He waited twenty years...."
"He kissed me back, Irina. Perhaps he was just lonely. Perhaps... he just enjoyed feeling a warm woman in his arms instead of a computer mouse or... something else...that as enjoyable as it might be for me to imagine, is not going to satisfy a man like that indefinitely. Do you want him to move on to a woman who's actually seen every once in a while? Is that what you want?" Irina looked down. "And look at the consequences of your absence for everyone! It's hideous. Horrible. Vile."
Irina winced. "The triangle? Lack of a discernable plot line?"
"Yes. And there's no real end in sight."
"I wouldn't say that. It's like a horse's ass to me."
"Speaking of a black hole---"
"In a triangular shape?"
"Yes! Only worse. Now we're expected to believe that Lauren's evil. We could stretch our credulity to believe in cloning and five hundred year old hearts, but this, this is too much. It was bad enough to believe that Vaughn would move on within nine months after Sydney died, that Kendall turned into an exposition fairy---"
"True!" Jack called out from the bedroom. "And that's my job! While I admit that Kendall has the ears of an elf, he's no exposition fairy, let me tell you and I resent the loss of screen time---"
"Jack?" Irina called back. When he didn't answer, she got up and went into his bedroom. "How much have you had to drink?"
"Not enough." Jack looked up from his perusal of the drawer in the nightstand. Irina smiled as she watched him take the cuffs out of his pocket and put them in the drawer.
Hmm. That reminded her. She walked toward him, peering to see the contents of the drawer. "Jack..."
"Are you coming soon?" He slammed the drawer and turned to her with a grin. "Or rather coming in soon? Because I hope it will be a while before you come... I'd like to take my time.. But wait, how much time do we have, because you're always in a hurry. You fly in and out so quickly, one would think you don't even exist anymore."
Irina bit her lip. Maybe Katya had a point. Damn it. Would she have to admit that? "Jack," she said softly as she began unbuttoning his shirt. "Just get relaxed. Why don't you change into one of those all-black outfits I like so much? And wear one of those tshirts and those silk boxers I bought for you---"
"Buy those at Walmart?" Katya called out.
"No. Internet."
"Oh? What site?"
"Victor's Secret."
"Don't you mean, Victoria's Secret?"
"No, that's for women. Katya... mind your own business for a moment." Irina rolled her eyes and then looking at her husband, smiled. "I love you, Jack. Have I told you that tonight?"
"No," he said, pulling her close. "I'm glad you're here. And actually, although I say this with fear and trepidation..." Irina rolled her eyes. "I like your sister. She's amusing."
"She thinks so. But I'll get rid of her soon. She.... just was trying to help. I think." Irina screwed her mouth up as she thought. "I should go---"
"Wait...." Jack reached out and grabbed her. Hauling her close he wrapped one arm around her waist and tangled the other in her hair. "Who knows how long this may really take? I need something to tide me over..." He said softly, just before his lips took hers.
"Jack...." Irina said long moments later. "You taste like.. whiskey and heat and...you."
After one last kiss and disentangling herself, Irina paused in the doorway. Shaking her head, she put one hand on the doorjamb before passing through and closing the door behind her.
Katya smiled at the look of bemusement on her sister's face. "I teased Jack that if he didn't realize you were a plant for the five years you were married---"
"It wasn't five years," Irina protested, but without any real heat, her mind still back in the bedroom with that particular kind of heat that was specific to her husband.
"I told him that your love must have been quite intoxicating. But... he's pretty intoxicating, isn't he?"
Irina glared at her sister halfheartedly. Then laughed. "Yes, you might say."
"I might say it was your lucky day when he was handed to you on a silver platter as your assignment."
"Here we go..."
"I'm calling in that debt for the good of everyone. You need to come back. You need to intervene. You need to save the world from the dreaded three- sided polyhedron."
"I will when---" Irina stopped talking as she ran through her Daytimer in her head. Hmm, maybe she could cut out a few meetings, delegate more, hire a third personal assistant. Maybe she could lure Sark back, he was always useful. And if she had more time... She looked up as her sister continued speaking.
"No. I'm calling in the debt now."
"But--"
"Do you want to call your mom, Katya?" Jack called out. "I still have her phone, I can easily hit number one on speed dial again and--"
"No! Not my mom!" Irina said shuddering. "I give in. It's your debt to collect and ..."
"Yes, it is. And I'm calling it in. So. You can tie up some loose ends, but don't take too long. As I was saying before, we now have the evil cow and then there was the swillage, which was just wrong and ---"
"You should see that drawer he made for me," Irina confided. "He does love me."
"Well, of course he does. I saw that knife he gave you for your birthday last year — the one custom made for your hand, specially weighted with your initials engraved in the hilt on the button that hid the poison repository. And the bulletproof glass in your Miata?" Katya lowered her voice to a soft whisper, "And I hear through the grapevine that your Valentine's gift this year is to die for---"
"What is it?" Irina whispered back eagerly.
"Custom-made grenade launcher." Katya sighed appreciatively.
"I've been wanting one of those forever." Irina said softly. Then in her normal voice, she added, "He does love me..."
"Of course he does. I mean, honestly. Knives, poison, bulletproof glass — if that doesn't say love, what does?"
"I know!" Irina said excitedly. "Wasn't that knife amazing? The best gift ever."
"What, are you twelve? My point is---"
"But... Katya. He didn't contact me for a long time---"
"He was in prison!"
"But it seems like he only contacts me when he wants something."
"Yes, like your presence. Like you."
"No." Irina sighed. "My contacts."
"Sister, first of all, did it ever occur to you that you could contact him?"
"It's the man's job to call the woman. Mother always said it makes you look...needy and hungry and you lose power if the woman does the calling."
"And you're not needy and hungry when it comes to Jack? Because if you aren't, I'll line up at his buffet line any day---"
"You need a slap---"
"You need a slap--"
"There will be NO furniture broken in my house!" Jack called out. "Irina, you promised."
"I'm speaking figuratively!" Katya told him. Turning back to her sister, she told her, "Think about it. Jack Bristow has contacts in every godforsaken hellhole in — how do the Americans say it — in the back of beyond. He doesn't need your contacts. Think about it. He had contacts in Nogales, telling him that Simon's associate had been captured there, before the CIA knew. You think he needs your contacts? Or does he just need you?"
"Well....Perhaps he blames me, though, because none of my contacts found Sydney in those two years."
"But, of course not! He would not hold you responsible for that. After all, the blond streaks she put in her hair constituted a completely impenetrable disguise."
"True! I never thought of that. Changing your hair color is almost as foolproof as Jack's rimless glasses or his repairman's uniform and a working class accent--"
"This is a freakin' nightmare!" Jack called out. "Move this along already before something other than my sinuses gets an infection from prolonged inflammation!"
Irina clamped a hand over her mouth to keep from laughing aloud. "He's funny, isn't he?" she asked her sister. Then shaking her head, she admitted, "It's been so long I think I've forgotten various aspects of his ---"
"I'll be glad to refresh your memory if you'd just get in here!" Jack said through the door. "Believe me, at this point, it won't take that long. And given the length of your usual visits, that's probably a good thing, right?"
Irina grimaced. "I have to say it, don't I?"
"No, of course not," Katya said. Irina sighed with relief. Then Katya smiled and added, "You don't have to say it because I will."
"Must you?" Irina asked, rolling her eyes.
"Of course, I must." Katya grinned and said in a sing song voice. "I was right and you were wrong."
"I thought you were going to say I told you so!" Jack commented.
Irina lifted her hand to her sister then dropped it. "I hate when you're right. But... I've been worrying needlessly, haven't I?"
"Yes. So, stay with him. At least through the day and night tomorrow. I can cover for you at the office."
"But he has work," Irina protested, but then shut up. If Jack could not come up with a good lie to cover his absence then she would... kiss Arvin Sloane. Ew. Jack had better come up with a good lie. Because kissing Arvin would be... Not even the secret to eternal life was worth that! Blech. At least as bad as Katya's garlicky Romanian.
Katya smiled as she suggested, "He can call in and say he's all... tied up. And if you're smart you'll make sure that's true."
"Wellll...." She had seen some of those items in the drawer and---
"I did give you those cuffs for a reason, Irina. You have no excuses. So... spend time with him. Or---"
"Or what? Is that a threat?" Irina smiled, inclining her head in the direction of the bedroom.
Katya nodded and smiled back. "No, a promise. Stay with him or I'll move in. And possession is nine-tenths of the law."
"I'd like to know what legal precedent covers this contingency!" Jack noted.
"Ah. Excellent point. Jack." Katya pointed to her sister with a glass shard she pulled out of the pile on the floor where the coffee table used to exist.
"Except for the fact that the Derevko siblings make their own laws," Irina called out.
Katya smiled. "Get the....point?" She asked and flung a glass shard into the cherry bedroom door. It stuck there, vibrating.
Jack yelled, "That had better NOT have been another glass shard in my door!"
Irina and Katya looked at each other and burst into a fit of giggles. Holding her arms out, Katya pulled her little sister close. "Take care of each other. I'll go tweeze the triangle to death."
"Don't you need my help?" Irina asked.
"Please, sister. I can handle the likes of Lauren Reed without breaking a sweat."
"Thank you. When will I see you again?"
"Besides the staff meeting Friday at 10am?"
"Yes. Oh and don't forget that Power Point Presentation on our next strategy for removing Arvin Sloane?"
"I won't." Katya remembered, "I should inform you that Elena's hard at work on replacing his Rambaldi immortality juice with regular tap water from Mexico."
"Now that's true suffering!" Jack said, leaning against the door. This sounded like it would be over soon. "Almost as bad as watching Lauren and Vaughn kiss."
"Ew. There went my dinner plans...." Katya groaned.
"Me too. Good thing the only thing I was truly planning on eating tonight was--"
"Irina!" Jack said laughing. "Didn't your mother ever teach you that it was rude to speak of dinner plans if you weren't planning on inviting your guest?"
"No. We were too busy having knife quizzes," Katya noted. "But if that is a rule of etiquette, why, of course, I'd be glad to stay for---"
"No dinner for you!" Irina said to her sister, smiling. "But... breakfast together soon?"
"Certainly. The Dennys' in Van Nuys? You always enjoyed their Grand Slam breakfast."
"True!" Jack said, opening the door from his bedroom cautiously. Frowning as he pulled the knife and glass shard out of the door, he added, "Irina's always been interested in sausages..."
"She has?"
"Sure, a large, cylindrical piece of meat---"
"Jack!" Irina giggled.
Katya elbowed here, "Ask him about---"
"Jack...." Irina began, biting her lip. "About Singagpore..."
"Don't you mean Singapore?" Jack responded, carefully putting down the knife and glass on the bar and measuring its width with his arms.
"No. I meant Singagpore. What...How... Two women?"
"Honey..." Jack turned around and began walking toward his wife. "Don't you know? It would take two women to begin to replace you."
Irina bit her lip.
Katya shook her head and touched her sister's arm. "Ooh. That was good, Irina. I would give him points for that attempt."
Irina stopped holding her smile in and nodded. "Yes, I suppose I need to give him points for that."
"And..." Jack continued, wrapping his arms around his wife and leaning down to nuzzle her neck. "No one, no one, no matter how many women, could ever replace you in my heart."
"I think my work here is done," Katya said with a smile. "I need to report in to Mother and Elena that our op worked quite well. They'll be waiting up, pins and toothpicks, is the phrase?"
"No. Pins and needles. Pins and needles. Toothpicks don't hurt as much as needles," Irina noted.
"Clearly you need a refresher class on basic torture techniques, Irina," Katya said, shaking her head.
Irina sighed. "That was always your area of expertise. And I suppose what you were doing, with your work with me, was just another form of torture?"
"What work was that, exactly?" Jack asked.
"Ah. We called it Operation Sibling Rivalry," Katya said, smiling.
Irina groaned. Shaking her head, she disentangled herself from her husband and began walking away. "Jack.... I'll wait for you in the bedroom---"
"I was hoping for the bar...." Jack said longingly.
"Later. I want to see my drawer."
"Oh, I almost forgot." Jack gave a slow smile. "Drawer it is."
"But... say goodbye to Katya. Show her to the door."
"What are you up to?" Jack asked, his eyes narrowed, but glittering with excitement.
"I'm not the one who will be getting up...." Irina said as she picked up the knife and glass shard from the bar and went into the bedroom. "I need to get ready."
Jack smiled at his wife's back and then turned to his sister-in-law. "I heard it all. And thank you."
"I can definitely say it was my pleasure..." Katya said, then smiled when a tinge of pink entered Jack's face. She could not resist adding as they walked toward the front door, "Oh, and Jack, you do realize that my codename is Black Sparrow, not Black Swallow?"
Jack gave a small smile as his eyes flickered to the side, "Oh. I realize. But one can always... hope. Can't one?"
"Jack, stop flirting with my sister to make me jealous and get in here!" Irina said laughingly.
Jack sighed. "Ah, duty calls. I must leave."
"Must you?" Katya asked, giving her sister a sidelong glance. She put her hand on Jack's shoulder and began to lean up. "This... is from Elena...." she began, pursing her lips. "Don't move..." she whispered. Then with a quick movement, she snatched from the air the knife that Irina had thrown in her direction.
"Here, Jack," Katya said, handing the knife to him. "I do believe it might be your turn to... wield the weapon, shall we say?"
"An interesting turn of phrase," Jack agreed. Turning to face his wife, who stood glaring at them from the doorway to the bedroom, he said over his shoulder, "Bye, Katya. And thank you again."
"You are most welcome. And sister? I'll see you in two days. Dennys, remember?"
"Two days?" Irina asked. "Why not tomorrow? I do like those Grand Slam breakfasts and---"
"Irina, if you can walk tomorrow morning, I'll be very disappointed in my brother-in-law."